Thursday, May 02, 2013

The Three Urinal Paradox

Warning - this is guy humor.  All complaints from women will be ignored.

Because of the average amount of traffic that goes into the average men's bathroom in a public place, more often than not you will find three urinals.

HOWEVER

ONE of those urinals will be placed lower on the wall, obviously for young boys who cannot yet reach the adult male urinals (though a really good arching technique will work).  This results in the traditional set up of the "3 Urinal Bathroom"

























There is, however, a design flaw in the 3 Urinal Bathroom.

If you walk in and ALL THREE urinals are available, which one do you choose?

100% of the time you will choose the one on the far left.

Why?

Because you are too manly to use the little boy's urinal and you don't want to be in the middle urinal in that it would force you to potentially stand next to another guy (and therefore be potentially construed as gay).  This leaves the left urinal as the most "manly" choice.

However, while this may absolve you of the decision, it presents the classical "Three Urinal Paradox" to the second man.  And every man in the world will at one point in their lives BE THAT SECOND MAN.

Since you have occupied the far left urinal, the second man gets a choice:

Be gay or

Be a little boy.

If he takes the middle urinal, he's obvious flaming gay.

But if he takes the far right urinal, he's obviously not a real man and is a little boy (maybe even a pedophile).

There is no third option, thus resulting in the paradox.

So men of the Capposphere, which one do you choose if the far left is occupied.

I know my answer.

68 comments:

Elijah said...

False dilemma! Use a stall!

Justin said...

Share the far left one.

Paul, Dammit! said...

The sink?

There's always the toilet, too, and the guy who preferentially heads for the pooporium stall to pee. Someone who opts out of the competition and chooses to pee in the toilet isn't just gay, he's obviously got a micropenis.

Anonymous said...

I look on the ground and see where the puddles of pee are. The pee free urinal is the one I go for.

Anonymous said...

I ALWAYS choose the one on the right 'cause I HATE the feeling of porcelain touching the monster's head.

;-)

Dr. Coyote said...

I'll take the one on the right. The lower height gives more hang room for my enormous wang.

Go on, ask a hard question.

CoffeeCrazed said...

I use the "little boys'" urinary because, well frankly, I need the room.

Stingray said...

Wouldn't you just go and use the toilet in the stall?

Matt said...

They are also for disabled people. I think if I were in a wheelchair, I would just use the stall, but regulations are regulations.

That dilemma isn't really a dilemma at all for me though, because standing next to another guy in the bathroom is a thousand times worse than using the low urinal.

Anonymous said...

The three urinal paradox was originally designed by an architect who had a very troubled youth.

This architect, who will remain unnamed to protect his fragile ego, was the third of three sons. Whenever the eldest was provided the keys to the father's pick up truck, the future architect was forced to sit in the middle. He still carries the scars to this day...

"Right nut!" the eldest proclaimed. The middle brother would shout "Left nut!" in response. Both would turn to the future architect and laugh hysterically then shout in unison...

"Dick in the middle!"

The architect hated the middle child the most because he always went along... never leaving the right nut brother dangling alone. This is why he designed the lower commode to be on the passenger side. In memory of his most hated brother.

newrebeluniv said...

The proper answer is in better bathroom design. If all the urinals are set at the lower hieght, they are all usable by everyone and do not convey the idea that one is "for children". Full length urianals and urinals that are the whole wall with a trough along the base accomplish this.

Similarly, Dividers reduce the feeling of "standing next to someone" or "being gay".

The proper choice is for the second guy to pick a stall.
That's what I do.
--Hale

Reprobus said...

Option #3: the shitter. leave the door open. piss on the seat.

Anonymous said...

Use the toilet stall, solves all potential problems and dilemmas.

kick6 said...

I go with the little boy option, and just hamsterbate that I have a really long peen that needs the additional distance to the floor so it doens't dunk in the water.


Yea.

Joe Bar said...

I wash my hands.

Anonymous said...

Cappy, I always, ALWAYS choose the low 'boys' urinal, whether I am first or second into the men's room. Using the lowest urinal is the ONLY way to NOT dip my Johnson in that c-c-c-c-old water in the bottom of the urinal, not to mention dragging it over those acidic, abrasive deodorizer pucks that often lurk down there.

Of course, less well-endowed 'men' wouldn't know about this situation ... now you do.

You're welcome.

Davers6

ARoss said...

Well it all depends on if there are dividers/barriers between the urinals. hahaha

Anonymous said...

I always take the lower one b'cuz it hangs low dawg.

Phil Galt said...

The choice is obvious. If all three are empty, the first urinal user can safely take the middle one. He is now saying he is comfortable enough to whiz any-damn-where he pleases, while at the same time relieving the the next guy of an uncomfortable choice.

PS...they just finished the new bathrooms it one mega-corp gig I have do not work. They can pay re remodel them, but not stock them with toilet paper or insure the new environmental friendly urinals don't back up.

Jose Romero said...

I will use the stall!

Jose Romero said...

I will use the stall instead.

Anonymous said...

The short one is for handicapable people. I use the one on the far right and I will be childlike and other abled. Or hold it. Or use the sink. Sometimes these places have a drain in the floor, use that.

Anonymous said...

Heck, I ALWAYS take the urinal on the right. Gives more room for dangle.

Life's a bitch when you're hung like a horse.

Anonymous said...

Three guys take a piss off a bridge.

Water cold.

Deep, too.

Sand on the bottom.

Matthew Walker said...

What Would the Nuge Do?

Easy: "When in doubt, I'll whip it out."

Nuge said it, I believe it, that settles it.

Bob said...

A real man like me would walk up to the first guy, grab him by the neck, move him out of the way mid piss - making a mess in the process and take his urinal! ;)

Anonymous said...

Pee in the sink.

John Apostate said...

As second pisser on the scene (SPOTS) I chose the middle, just so I can say "Nice watch".

Matt said...

Bathrooms without dividers between the urinals ought to be banned.

Greg said...

Maybe they should put the boy's urinal in the middle.

So typically the ones on the end will be used.

Rev Righteous said...

You skip the urinal and take the stall

lelnet said...

Middle. Because otherwise I'd be peeing on the wall.

'Cause, you know, I'm not exactly worried about folks thinking I'm gay, just because I stood next to some other dude in the loo. But using a urinal so low down that I have to squat to use it, just to _avoid_ standing next to some other dude in the loo? Yeah, that would feel like "methinks she doth protest too much" overcompensation.

Doug said...

No no no. It's wasted analyzing. Can you imagine Clint Eastwood or John Wayne wondering which urinal he should piss in? No, you just fucking go up to it, respecting the fact that 98% of guys aren't gay and that pissing is something done every day by every guy. There's no shame whatsoever.

Anonymous said...

False dichotomy. Leave and come back later, or use a stall.

I know this question already; there's a highly similar scenario outlined in a video on the matter.

robins111 said...

The stall, then when in there, make sure you fart..

Jason said...

The guy who said it was a design flaw was almost right. The solution is to mandate these urinals nationwide: http://www.whatirealized.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/IMG00061-20110604-1024-1024x768.jpg

Alexander said...

I believe Galt has the right of it. As choosing any of three will inevitably create an impossible dilemma for the second gentlemen, the right thing to do is take the middle stall and 'force' the next man to use a stall.

The stall door should be left open though, so that none can accuse you of peeing sitting down.

Anonymous said...

Go to the ladies and piss on the seat and the floor.

Anonymous said...

Real men don't give a single fuck about what another man will think about them. Just choose any one.

Bill said...

Old naval custom: use a sink. We all love high-arcing technique anyway.

In fact, if the urinals are clogged, unserviced or full of butts and gum wrappers, I go for the sink.

Vicomte said...

Handicap stall FTW.

My disability is complete lack of empathy.

Southern Man said...

A fine lesson in what to post on your blog if you want lots of comments.

Aeoli Pera said...

I use the one on the left. If the man protests, I challenge him to a gentlemanly pee duel. I have my dignity to think of.

LS said...

"So men of the Capposphere, which one do you choose if the far left is occupied."

Depends™.

Will Brown said...

Reject the false parameters of the arbitrary choice offered; always pick the one on the right as part of your life-long training program to develop further growth into it. :)

Tom said...

Would the trough-style urinal at your classier dive bar be more manly to use or would it suffer from Communist overtones?

jdkchem said...

Roscoe don't dip in the tub unless the water be hot. We goes for the Johnny Wad Holmes model on da right!

If you be using da one on da left you be da beta-male AKA crypto-homo ya dig?

Anonymous said...

You're overthinking this, Cap'n.

If you really have to go, you really have to go, and all other people's problems be damned.

The bigger issue here is how you behave while at whatever urinal you're using. It's not the time to start a conversation with the person(s) next to you... that's a sign of shenanigans.

Then again, I can remember men's rooms which had a long floor-length trough for everyone to piss in, no partitions whatsoever... this was before gay was "cool", so the emphasis on partitions could be a societal evolution.

Anonymous said...

Middle. those squat ones splash pee on my shoes

Aaron said...

I arc it in the middle one from the door.

Anonymous said...

pee on top of the right hand urinal and laugh and laugh and laugh like a free young boy

Anonymous said...

When I walk in, the guy using my urinal should have the sense to leave whether he's done or not.

Bob said...

The post and the comments are hilarious. Linked here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2013/05/decisions-decisions.html

Anonymous said...

I use the lower urinal, because it makes for better target practice (can I hit a specific hole in the grate).

To be honest, I've never thought about it being unmanly to use the "child's" urinal.

Anonymous said...

my numerous bathroom scuffles can be attributed to my preference for simply pissing on the leg of the so-called "man" on the left.

Ten Mile Island said...

As a confident heterosexual, I don't see the problem.
.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's for dwarfs, not little boys since the same setup is found in locations where kids are not allowed, such as casinos.

Scott said...

I use the lower one. Easier to flush with bottom of shoe in order to not have to touch the handle, FTW!

Anonymous said...

I'm a midget at 5'6", so I just take the small one.

Anonymous said...

I have to explain that the toilet shown in the picture is a Minnesota toilet per MN handicapped regulatory standards.

You go over to So Dak or Wisconsin and they typically have the ones that reach all the way down to the floor, which mean men and boys, handicapped or not can use 'em.

The picture is evidence of a state government that has no respect for or awareness of the cost businesses had to spend in retooling their toilets to meet their unique government mandates.

I'd pick either on the ends and if there are are more, the farthest away of any in use. Just a wee bit shy (pun intended.)

Walt said...

If you are that concerned about the appearance of lack of manliness, you could just pee in the sink, or pee in the back pocket of the guy at the left urinal.

Walt said...

If concerned about the appearance of unmanliness, one could just pee in the sink, or in extreme cases, pee in the back pocket of the guy standing at the left urinal

Eric Mueller said...

By way of default, I always grab the one on the left. If that's taken, I grab the one on the right, mumbling some comment or other about "needing the extra distance anyway".

I do not trust men who default to the middle. I don't understand what thought process causes a man to think "Gee, the next guy who comes in HAS to stand next to me!" When I walk in a men's room, and there's one man standing at the middle urinal (which is far too common at work for my tastes), I'll just go in the stall.

Anonymous said...

fuck this I pee in the sink.... saves time when washing hands

gandalf23 said...

I always take the right urinal because my pistol is on my right hip and I don't want anyone seeing it. or grabbing it.

Anonymous said...

I always thought it was weird how guys have to urinate in front of each other while females get private stalls for both pissing and shitting.

I think these bathrooms were designed by pervy old gay men and child molesters.

Hopefully men are telling their young sons to pee in the private shitting stalls as well. Away from the wandering gaze of other males. Not a few who might have ill intentions.

Anonymous said...

"There's always the toilet, too, and the guy who preferentially heads for the pooporium stall to pee. Someone who opts out of the competition and chooses to pee in the toilet isn't just gay, he's obviously got a micropenis. "

Right! Because not wanting other men to check out your junk is somehow "gay".

Suuuuuuuuuure....

SewerDweller said...

Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick, so many pussies.

The answer, ~Ladies~, is 'who gives a fuck?'

Go in, piss, wash your hands, and get on with life. If you're so insecure about your manhood that the thought of standing next to another man taking a piss terrifies you, you're probably not a man, so why the fuck aren't you using the ladies room?

Relax and piss, sissy. The Man next to you is not going to mistake you for a girl, and bend you over the sink, no matter how hard you fantasize about it.

... wow, I'm a real asshole before coffee.