The Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan

I love truth.  It's such a wonderful thing.  It makes you sane, helps you make better, more effective decisions and it irks all the right people.  But what I really love about truth is how some people seem to have a huge problem with it.  How they'll desperately try to ignore it, rationalize it away, or just plain deny it as if they had a choice.

"The sky is blue."

"No it's not."

"Communism and socialism has failed."

"No it hasn't."

"Children need fathers."

"No they don't - sexist!"

I take great entertainment value in watching people lie to themselves as day after day, night after night, the real world delivers anything from minor cuts to crushing blows to their fragile "reality" and how they desperately scramble to find some some kind of explanation, ANY explanation or rationalization why they're still right, and the real world is wrong.

Now we could go on for hours about the many and varied people who choose to ignore reality and mock them mercilessly:

-Liberal arts majors who voted for Obama, joined the OWS movement and still can't understand why they don't have jobs.

-All the aging women who KNEW they could "have it all," with mocking boys in their youth to boot, who sing in chorus "Where have all the good men gone."

-The union members of now bankrupt cities and municipalities who won't be getting everythign they were promised in terms of pension, because, well, the money just plain ain't there.

But today I'm going to talk to you about something that affects all of us, is very important, and only the smart people will realize what I say is deadly serious and very much real, while the delusionals of the world caught up in American Idol or how thin Michelle Obama's arms are, will be aghast at what I have to say and will no doubt pull from the inventory of "ist" names to call me.

The Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan.

"What is the Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan" you ask?

Well, it's a very simple plan.

Instead of socking away $400 a month into your IRA or 401k, spending hours of your life managing it, spending thousands of dollars on various managerial and advisory fees, only to have the government either outright confiscate it or inflate it away you instead spend the small nominal fee of...

33 cents.

Why 33 cents?

Because 33 cents is the price of a single 45 caliber bullet.  And with that bullet you can permanently retire yourself.

Now a lot of people will be shocked with such a statement.  How dare I suggest euthanasia (which, when I was younger thought was "youth in Asia" and had NO idea what people were all up in arms about) as a viable retirement plan.  But, if you're so open minded (as I know many of you liberals claim to be) perhaps you can read on and realize that The Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan is probably a much better plan than your 401k.

First, consider the fact that the VAST majority of people are just plain not saving up enough for retirement.  In the consulting I do, I have a never-ending line of 58 year old people coming up to me and saying,

"I'm 58 and just finished paying off my 4th child's doctorate in French Literature.  I have a house that's underwater, and I'd like to start planning for retirement.  I'd like to retire at 62.  What should I invest in?"

I tell them the politically correct thing (you'll have to work till you're 80), and then they go to Edward Jones or Charles Schwab to see if they can find somebody to lie to them (remember what I told you about how distasteful truth was to some people?)

And forget old people, young people don't stand much of a chance either.  With no employment prospects, $50,000 in student debts, and an unemployment rate of 8%, even if they wanted to save for retirement they can't.  They need all of their money NOW to simply make ends meet.  And (to add further mockery to this stupid retirement system we have) even if they did have the money, what?  They're going to invest in an overpriced stock market with a P/E of 24 because TRILLIONS of dollars of baby boomer money has flooded the market, making it a bad deal to begin with?

Regardless of the reasons why, most people will PLAIN NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR RETIREMENT and THEY NEVER WILL.  So why bother saving up in the first place?

Second, don't think Big Daddy government is going to come and bail you out.  I don't know if you've noticed this whole Greece thing going on, but no matter what previous generations of Greeks promised themselves in terms of retirement or medical benefits, if the money ain't there (guess what!)

IT AIN'T THERE!  (curse you evil truth!!!!)

Did you see any of the articles about how the hospitals are running short on vital drugs?  Funny how that works given the government "decreed" they were "entitled" to all that free health care.  Let me let you in on another little tidbit of "uncomfortable truth."  If there's no money in it for the private sector to create those drugs (say like you regulate or tax pharmaceuticals to death), then it don't matter what who promised who what - there ain't no drugs and you're going to die no matter what you were promised.

Third, let's put a very positive spin on this (and I am not exaggerating or being facetious).  Realize the majority of your expenses you incur (or more likely, the taxpayer incurs) in terms of your living and health care expenses come in the last 6 months of your life.  The premise of The Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan is that you would us the 45 caliber bullet to off yourself before then, saving society hundreds of thousands of dollars NOT TO MENTION saving you the 6 most miserable months of your life.  Now macroeconomic benefits aside (like  no government debt, booming economic growth, improved health care through innovation, and yes, dare I say it, longer life expectancies, but don't let this concept confuse you), there is a huge advantage to this - the fact you don't have to save up for retirement in the first place if you're willing to work as long as you can and participate in The Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan when the time comes.  That money can instead be spent on the years of your life WHEN YOU CAN ENJOY IT!

I remember, VERY CLEARLY, trying to save money into a IRA when I was making $23,000, commuting 120 miles every day for work and living downtown.  Now I'm cheap, but my life had NO FRILLS.

Once I realized that having lifelong employment in America like a 1960's Japanese Keiretsu was laughably impossible, I forgave myself of the responsibility to "do the right thing" and invest in a 401k.  For the first time in my life I "let go," went out, got drunk, tried sushi, stay at hotels (as opposed to sleeping in my car at a wayside) went on trips and enjoyed life.  The other option was to continue to live in poverty, have no fun, and have what meager savings I had stored up in a 401k confiscated in "2020 National Wealth Redistribution Financial Solvency Patriotism Act."

The single best thing about The Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan is you get to enjoy the ONE life you're given on this planet and don't have to worry about spending the resources to extend your life when you can't enjoy it.

Fourth, you will not be a burden on society.  I know hippies who never studied economics love to sit there and yell from their Depends,

"I contributed to the system and I deserve my government benefits!!!"

epically failing to realize they voted in things like "The Great Society" and other programs that blew away the money they "socked away" for retirement, and now literally demand future generations to become their slaves.

You don't have to become such ignorant hypocrites.  You can live your life, contribute as long as you can, and the second you realize you might become a parasite upon society, take yourself out.  I know that sounds harsh (because we've all been told to ignore the 600 Pound Reality Gorilla in the room), but it IS altruistic.  Certainly more altruistic in demanding and voting that OTHER people pay for the charities you wanted them too over your live and then voting to have other people take care of you.

Finally (and here's that damn truth and reality getting in the way of things again), you really don't have a choice.  Bar some spectacular economic growth and a true revolution of the economy, the money and resources plain isn't going to be there to make good on all the promises pot smoking commies back in the 50's, 60's and 70's made to themselves, future generations, all humans in the world, not to mention, pay back the debts we've currently accrued.  This once again revisits our buddies in Greece who are "entitled" to "Zymorgopentothol (tm)," but the fine men and women were taxed so much to death at Zymorgopentothol, Inc, they decided no longer to supply Greece with that life-saving drug.  You will have to make the choice to continue living in a desperate, painful state, or ending it mercifully (and cost-effectively) yourself.  I do not wish to be so pessimistic, cynical or macabre, but I'm not.  I'm really not.  That's going to be the REALITY for a lot of people.  And if you don't believe me, or think I'm just engaging in sensationalism how about for once YOU do the leg work and look up the finances of social security, medicare, medicaid, the federal government and general economic statistics of the US?  YOU run projections, make calculations and theorize and predict where the economy will go.  YOU prove me wrong and tell me where the magical money is going to come from to pay for everything everyone promised themselves.

Because again, I thoroughly enjoy and anticipate the crazy rationalizations, excuses and explanations delusional people come up with so they can keep believing in Lala-Land.  And until I execute my own Smith and Wesson Retirement Plan, one of the main forms of entertainment I'll have (in addition to hiking mountains, smoking cigars, playing video games, riding motorcycles and working as little as I can) is watching you fans of socialism, communism and "free" health care blow trillions of your own dollars on private retirement programs that will not only be confiscated later, but never compare to my 33 cent program.

And you wouldn't want to deprive me of that entertainment, would you?