Entrant #3 for Captain Capitalism's 2009 Annual Chart Contest

From Qeej


He couldn't find a relationship between RGDP growth and the marginal tax rate for millionaires.

Oh, but he forgot to do something. Does anybody see what he failed to do?

Remember YOU TOO can enter the Captain's annual chart contest.

Just e-mail your charts to CAPTcapitalism@yahoo.com

Super happy fun prizes await!!!!

The Captain's Carbon Emissions

I am not bragging, I'm just making a record so that if anybody is so anally-rententive enough to calculate the carbon emissions on this they may be able to calculate how many leftist, brainwashed, nutjobs I countered in terms of carbon emissions. On this Anti-Earth Day I;

Drove 132 miles in an 8 cylinder car that gets 17 MPG.

Smoked 2 cigars.

Burned 4 2x4's of 3 foot lengths of painted wood.

Burned 5 plastic bags

Burned 1 styrofoam container

Burned 4 plastic bottles

Grilled 4 steaks and 4 brats with CHARCOAL

Ran the shower for 20 minutes pointlessly

Ran the heat at 80 degrees with an outside temp of 37 degrees

Mowed the lawn (1400 ft squared) though there was no grass.

Used 1/2 of a can of spray paint to initialize the bonfire.

I don't know what that translates into in terms of carbon emission, but I'm sure I've countered 100,000 dumbasses "turning off their lights" in terms of "saving the planet."

Anti-Earth Day

Remember today is Anti-Earth Day.

Undo all the work the pyscho crazies have been doing to "save" the environment.

I have already pointlessly driven over 50 miles today and plan a bonfire of treated wood, magazine paper and plastics (if I can find any).

Remember to flush multiple times and perhaps heat up your house with the shower running.

Smoke a lot, and if you don't smoke, make up for it in taking beautiful Saturday afternoon drives.

Oh, and fire up those grills!!!!

South Park Margaritaville

This is what I like about economics. It is so simple it can be explained by a cartoon. You will watch these cartoons. You will also BUY THE BOOK as it goes into slightly more detail than the cartoons.

Go After the People, Not the Banks

I made a post a while ago about the revolving doors here at the banks in Minnesota. How one person (true story) ran a bank into the ground with such bad commercial lending, ended up becoming the CHIEF CREDIT OFFCIER of a bank just down the road.

Another “president” was heralded for her “great” tenure at a local bank here in Minnesota as she left for greener pastures at a bank out east, only to find out the bank she left was left in shambles after reckless and galactically stupid lending practices.

The stories go on and on.

However, this brings up a very important point if we are ever to improve our financial system and stop another such debacle from happening again. The regulators have to go after the people who did this, not the banks.

I don’t know of one bank in Minnesota that hasn’t purged itself of its senior and executive management in the past 3 years. The problem is they just replaced their incredibly shitty (I only use the crass term as it is the only term that conveys the true shittiness of their managerial ability) management team, with other shitty management teams from other shitty banks.

The consequences can reliably be predicted to be, of course, shitty.

Since we’re not targeting the problem (the people who caused this), but rather the entities or shells they used to cause this economic crisis (the banks), the problem will continue and there will be no genuine justice.

I asked an insider in the regulatory world who shall remain nameless if they authorities were going after the people or the banks and s/he said, unfortunately they’re going after the banks, not the people.

Grand. The OTS, the NCUA, the OCC and the FDIC are not targeting the cancerous scumbags who are corrupting the system, but the vehicles or legal entities they infect. It seems banks will be forever in perpetuity, shitty.

University of Delaware

Never attend it. Never even move to Delaware, never hire somebody from there. What a worthless and pathetic waste of resources.

Part I


Part II


ht

Switzerland Really Isn't a Sovereign Nation

Because you know, they're not like a real country like Germany or the US. I mean, those Swiss are like terrorists and should be arrested for operating within their own laws should they dare set foot in socialist nations like Germany the US.

I don't know about you guys, but this is reason enough to not buy German or French goods, CERTAINLY reason enough not to set up shop in those countries.

Counter-Earth Hour

As you guys all know I suggested environmentalists whackos start paying me to NOT pollute the environment. And as a means by which to give these nutjobs the proverbial finger suggested we hold a celebration of sorts where we pollute as much as possible.

Well it turns out via SDA (click and scroll down, you'll see several postings) already such a celebration is planned AND it is coming up March 28th.

Now understand the purpose of the counter rally is to not only counter what minuscule and pointless amount of energy these hypocrites save, but to outdo them and make it worse for the environment. Not because we don't like the environment, but we want to show them their arrogance and conceitedness in daring to lecture the normal people of this society about the "ills" of global warming will be counter productive.

Thus, instead of their paltry, pathetic hour, we will engage in carbon spewing behavior for the entire day, and night if necessary.

Now I know what you're asking; "Captain, what can I do to help shut these losers up and make them think twice about joining a pathetic crusade just because it makes them feel good and gives them their jollies because they get to tell other people what to do?"

Well I figured why not look up what the "10 best things to do for the environment" was and then do the opposite!

1. Run lots and lots of water. Water is cheap and so you should flush your toilet several times. Matter of fact if you can parcel out your bathroom going into multiple trips that will increase the number of flushes you have to use. You can help increase water usage by drinking lots of water. This not only consumes it, but forces you to flush more times.

2. DRIVE A LOT. The Captain fully intends on getting his 8 cylinder car and driving pointlessly to Hutchinson while smoking not one, but TWO cigars. Also, don't combine errands. Make a separate trip for each errand and maybe take a nice detour. See, driving actually IS fun and is calm and relaxing. I personally find enjoyment just driving around listening to jazz or talk radio. You should do the same and treat yourself to a nice quiet, LONG drive. Better yet, if you don't have to drive, go out and drive around during rush hour. Help clog the interstates more than they already are by needlessly making your presence there.

3. The #3 on their list is to bike/cycle/walk. Forget that, see #2.

4. Do not recycle. Throw everything away. Make sure paper and bottles (with the caps on so they don't compress, but rather stay inflated taking up more volume) are thrown out. Keep aluminum. That you can actually make money on. If you can't throw it away, burn it. The downside of this is it doesn't help fill land fills, but it does emit carbon.

5. Composting. HEY instead of having the garbage in the landfill, have it in a stinky pile in your back yard. Instead, I suggest doing what #4 recommends and throwing everything away, UNLESS you have extra chemicals and cleaners you need to get rid of. Pour that on the ground where you're not planting anything or using. Preferably around the perimeter of the house as that will keep critters and weeds away.

6. Change lightbulbs. Well, if you have to change lightbulbs, they better burn out. Make sure you keep all your lights on. Matter of fact if changing lightbulbs is good for the environment, then you should break out the ole Christmas lights and fire those babies up. Remember, if they burn out, you get to replace them. And replacing bulbs is good for the environment.

7. Run the furnace AND air conditioner full blast. SDA has the rights to this one, as they call it a "match" to see which one wins. This is kind of expensive however, so you can easily unnecessarily heat up your house by burning wood in a fireplace or just having a bonfire outside. Make sure to use gasoline to get her started.

8. They recommend increasing the pressure in your tires. I recommend just going to the air pump and running it non-stop so the air compressor works overtime. That consumes electricity and that helps destroy the planet.

9. #9 on their list is driving again. Notice a hatred for the car here? This time they want you to drive REALLY slow. Ef that. That's for neo-pansified-Americans who drive Priuses and find members of the opposite sex based on the mileage their car gets. Go out and hit the interstate. Don't speed, but just hit the interstate and go 5 over the limit as that will not get you a ticket, but increase the amount of emissions you're emitting. If you can find one, attach a parachute to the back of your car for better draft.

10. Run all your appliances and lights at the same time. The great thing about video games is they have a pause function. You can leave all the electronics on, get a burger (via car), come back and watch the beautifully paused screen as you eat your burger and throw out/burn the garbage.

Now these were just the opposite of the best things you could do for the environment. I'd like to add a couple;

1. Aerosol cans. I don't use them, but they sure are fun to burn like a torch. Reminisce about your childhood youth and buy a can of deodorant and have a torch fest.

2. Bonfires. You can burn pretty much everything and you should. Plastic, painted wood, treated wood. You'd be amazed how much junk you can clean out of your house if you have a good ole fashioned bonfire. Just make sure you don't breathe in the smoke.

3. Cigars. I know what you're saying, "how much damage could a single petty cigar possibly cause the environment?" Well how much GOOD can driving 55 instead of 60 do for the environment. You have to understand, it's all symbolism over substance. Be just as hypocritical as they are and have that symbolic cigar. Besides, leftists hate cigar smokers.

4. Grill out with charcoal. Gas is good as you're still emitting carbon, but what is better than eating the meat of poor little helpless animals over sizzling coals? Make sure to use a LOT of lighter fluid. Matter of fact, better get two bottles.

5. LAUNDRY DAY! Might as well do it today. Make sure you use that dryer.

6. Go out on a date. While everybody is in the dark, holding a candle light vigil for the environment, grab your girl/guy, go to town and enjoy life. Lord knows these people don't and never will.

Entrant #2 to the Captain's 2009 Annual Chart Competition

From Mr. Martin;


A good chronology of the stock market and Obama's action, does not however include this latest sucker's rally.

Pepe Le Pew, Foghorn Leghorn and East Indians

East Indians do not account for even a slight percentage of the population of Minnesota, yet they are here and they do exist. And the reason I know this is because a disproportionate amount of them attend my dance classes, for which I am certainly grateful.

However, in my dance classes I often use anecdotes or references to Looney Tunes, which they (among the Gen y generation) have no freaking clue what I'm talking about.

And this is a travesty.

How one can go throughout life without knowing who Pepe Le Pew is or Foghorn Leghorn is, is unacceptable. It's like going through life without eating ice cream.

Thus, for my East Indian and Gen Y students, as well as those looking for a bit of a pick me up in these harsh economics times, I present to you Foghorn Leghorn and Pepe Le Pew. Enjoy:

"PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YA BOY!!!"

Foghorn Leghorn - Henhouse Henery 1949 @ Yahoo! Video

Heh heh. I have been called Pepe many times by many femme fatales;

Tax "Cooperation"

This should scare you.


And the reason this should scare you is that what ultimately guarantees your freedom, what ultimately forces the socialists and leftists of the world to spend within their means, what ultimately keeps governments from stealing everything you own is that there are...

OTHER GOVERNMENTS.

In other words the productive people can just decide to move, or even more easily, invest in other countries.

You tax us at 40% corporate tax rate? Well we'll move.

You want to take 50% of GDP to bribe the lazy masses into voting for you so you can have life long employment at the express of the integrity and future of the country? We'll invest elsewhere.

And now those good ol "developed western nations" are doing nothing short of forming a cartel to normalize and standardize tax rates. I don't care about the military, if this happens you will have effectively a one world government and no natural forces of competition to force these countries to spend within their means.

This does however bring up an interesting development I've noticed. Countries like China and Russian, for god's sake, are going to be the ones who are more free than the "free world." Russia already has a flat tax, China has a corporate tax of only 20%.

Any industrious individual would be wise to sow some seeds in these countries.

And any industrious country would be wise to tell the OECD and this tax cartel of nations to ef off.

Ask Obama

A reader requested that I post this here and is typically the case I usually try to make my readers happy. Apparently Obama will answer any questions you have if you just send them in over the internet.

The problem is, aside from the obvious volume Obama will receive will make it impossible to answer all questions, is that like any other politician he will choose the ones that are easiest to answer or the ones politically favorable towards him. You could ask a simple question;

"Why should I work if you're making everything for free?"

or

"I'm young, I voted for you, and now you've essentially made me an indentured slave with all this future debt."

But he won't answer it.

Though I wish all of you the best of luck.

Jesus-Freaking-H

Christ.

I finally found a unique and identifying term for these "millennials."

"The Obama Generation."

Dancing Etiquette for Married Women

I got a multi-tiered question that in order to respond fully requires a post in itself.

The question was what was the proper etiquette for married women who want to dance but their husbands don't want to.

In general, albeit dancing is ensconced in a very general environment that would lead towards dating, dancing itself is not an action of flirting or romance. In other words it can be totally platonic and just a fun activity no different than playing volleyball. Of course it certainly has the potential to lead towards some kind of romance, but if Joe Schmoe asks Jane Schmoe at bar x to dance (ballroom) then yeah, they guy might have an interest, but he isn't proposing marriage.

This is arguably one of the largest complaints men have when women are sitting on the edge of their seats, bouncing up and down to a great salsa or swing band at the edge of the dance floor and then when somebody comes up and asks them to dance, they giggle and laugh and point at their friends and tell them "no, you dance with him!" "No! *giggle, giggle* YOU dance with him!"

It isn't a proposal of marriage.

It isn't a sexual proposition.

It isn't even asking if he could buy you a drink because that would cost money.

He's asking for a dance, so married or not, it's pretty safe.

Now that being said, I cannot think of a more adroit and classy way to meet a girl besides dancing. So naturally most men will approach dancing as primarily a means to have fun, but a close second to meet a girl.

This is where the married women have to do one simple thing;

Wear your wedding ring.

A slightly skilled dancer will even have the savvy to feel that large hunk of rock on your left hand, saving you the embarrassment of asking you out. So as long as you're married and have that ring, you're not going to run into any trouble, at least on the ballroom scene.

Now where married women run into trouble is when THEY TAKE OFF THE RING or play a game some female friends of mine called "Testing Our Market Value."

To simplify things (a lot) women want attention, men want sex. And whereas it's socially poo-pooed to go out and just ask for sex, to get attention is perfectly acceptable. This creates a conundrum, especially for married women who are not getting enough love or attention back at home. They some how feel the need to go out and doll themselves up and "test their market value" and get attention, ie- sit at a bar and see how many men buy them drinks as they're all dolled up and *oops* did they happen to "forget" to wear their wedding ring?

No doubt there are enough veteran males in my readership who could regale you with tales of going to a club/bar/party, meeting a really nice gal WITHOUT A RING and only after spending 4 hours getting to know this one girl, finding out she was married. This is not only deceitful, but it's disrespectful as the woman has not only led the guy on, but wasted his time which he might as otherwise used to meet an available (and might I add, more secure) woman.

This happens more often than you might think and to a severity of more than you might imagine.

The Captain had one experience where a drop dead gorgeous woman was dancing with him with long sleeve gloves (couldn't tell if she was married). I asked her if there was a ring under the gloves and she said yes - ergo "thanks for the dance, no harm done."

On the other extreme was the drop dead gorgeous redheaded economist he met in his dance class and dated for about 2 months. As you can imagine after two months, several dates, her having red hair AND being an economist, the young Captain was smitten. That was of course until we were salsa dancing late one night and whilst on the dance floor the poor ole Captain's hand got lacerated by huge chunk of diamond he hadn't noticed her wearing before. After changing his dance grip he had the shocking realization that she was married this entire time and just forgot to take her ring off.

Regardless the whole point is whether it's an hour or two months, don't be a tease. If you want to dance, go out and dance and wear your wedding ring. I find nothing wrong with dressing up a little fancy. But if you're going to slut yourself up and take off the ring and "test your market value" and lead a guy on so you can get your fill of attention-jollies at his expense, that's where women start to earn a bad reputation and make men long for the likes of Sophia Loren or Audrey Hepburn, or at least join the marriage strike.

Entrant #1 to Captain Capitalism's 2009 Annual Chart Competition

From Mr. Penner;


A good visual showing the basic cause of inflated housing prices and homeownership was historically low interest rates.

REMEMBER

You too can enter the annual chart contest and win

a signed book from the Captain
a signed photo of the Captain (that one was thrown in there for the ladies ;)
an instructional dance video (starring the Captain)
and 10 whole US dollars (the currency about to catch leprosy)

E-mail your charts to CAPTcapitalism@yahoo.com!

State of Play

I am a blogger.

And in admitting that I fully accept the connotations and stereotypes that come with it, much of which is similar to admitting you play Dungeons and Dragons.

In other words I fully admit that being a blogger is not "cool" but rather "nerdy."

That being a blogger is not going to impress women, but most likely deter them (I tried using it as a pick up line at a bar once, it was hilarious, you should try it just to see the girls' looks on their faces).

That in being a blogger people will roll their eyes and dismiss me as some kind of living-at-home-at-the-age-of-40 freak.

But at least when I admit this, at least I am being intellectually honest, if not sane about the social standing of a blogger.

The same cannot be said for members of the press, particularly the main stream media. And the reason why I say this is the seemingly limitless number of movies where the "press" is made out to be some kind of hero. What triggered my memory of this observation was when I saw the preview below for the movie "State of Play" where the "heroic" reporter is about to uncover some grandiose conspiracy;

'State of Play' Theatrical Trailer @ Yahoo! Video

Let's be blunt about this. This nothing more than people in media and the press day dreaming about their existence and (pardon the vulgarity of the term, but it's the most appropriate term I can find) masturbating about their profession. Their profession is so boring and unfulfilling that they have to make up stories to make themselves feel like their profession is somehow on par with Jack Bauer or soldiers or doctors or cops. And instead of just doing their job and reporting the news, no they have to "change society" or "save the world" or "stop some major corruption" or something epic and saga like, and State of Play is one such tale from Mr. Roger's Imagination Land.

Now there have been movies like this before. Nixon/Frost. All the President's Men. Erin Brochovich. No doubt many of you could name more because I just can't bother going to see them, but the theme is the same:

"nerds uncover plot WITH EVIL MEN IN GUNS CHASING AFTER THEM AND THE JOURNALIST MAGICALLY SAVES THE WORLD!!!! YEA FOR US!!!!"

At least with Nixon/Frost and Brochovic they were based in reality and real journalists.

But the likes of "State of Play?" Come on.

Finally, there is just one hilarious aspect of State of Play. I think it's Meryl Streep in there and she says, "the newspaper can't help you."

NEWSPAPER?

Did you say "PAPER?"

You mean to suggest TODAY, 2009, newsPAPERS have some kind of pull?

Now you KNOW this is a work of fiction.

The dinosaurs known as newspapers are dying out if you haven't noticed and have nowhere near the pull or power they once did. Additionally with them rolling over on their back for Barack Obama, good lord, and now this movie is to have us believe a dying industry has STANDARDS too?

I'd rather watch Pravda-propaganda circa 1950.

No, seriously, if hollywood wanted to make a realistic movie or the modern day incarnation of "All the President's Men" then they should do a movie about Powerline and Little Green Footballs for busting Dan Rather.

In the meantime enjoy playing make-believe.

Can't Find a Job? Get a Husband

You see we're prohibited in the developed world from saying women seek out men with money.

It's politically incorrect.

We're prohibited in the developed world to point to the countless marriages where the wife has her degree in community service, works 15 hours a week at the local charity, brings in $10,000, but spends $50,000 per year because her engineering husband makes $80,000, because that would imply she isn't an independent woman.

It's politically incorrect.

We're prohibited, if not lectured in the developed world if we dare suggest marriage is not in a bachelor's best interest and being single forever is actually a pretty good life, especially for the bachelor.

It's politically incorrect AND non-conformatory.

But jeezus-h-hosephats-cripes, "The recession is on, I can't make as much money as I want. So now I'm looking for a husband?"

I am so not moving nor investing in Japan.

Remember, it is cheaper to lease than to buy.

The Captain's Really Quick Week In Review Re-"Cap"

As some of you may have noticed, I am a little lackluster in the posts. This is due to this time of year being tax season and dance season which consumes the majority of my time. Ergo, allow me to give you the insight, wit and criticism of the important issues of today before the weekend starts and I have to go back to the grind to (sigh) teach single ladies how to dance;

1. This slamming on Obama making a joke about the special olympics? I'm sorry, everybody should shut the hell up and leave him alone. I will not tolerate hypocrisy in this ideology. If we want to be able to talk freely in this nation and banish politically correct speech, then the first thing we on the capitalist side of the force must do is allow those on the communist side of the force those same freedoms of speech. I heard it on talk radio and all you middle aged women who have no lives, no purpose and no point in your existence who call into talk radio and FEIGN indignation against Barack Obama cutting an innocent joke should shut the hell up. I am NO supporter of Barack Obama, but what I hold in higher regard is principle and how dare you criticize him for something as innocent as that while you bitch and moan in the same breathe about being suffocated by politically correct speech on our end. This is what separates us from them, intellectual honesty. Learn it, adhere to it, or go join the other side Arianna Huffington.

2. In a related note; YES congress should tax AIG and any other bailout recipient at a 90% tax rate for their bonuses. You see, again, we get back to this intellectual honesty. There is a parallel here between the war against corporate corruption and the war against terrorism. We (on the RIGHT side of the force) complained when there was petty complaints about torture, lack of due process, and rights being granted to what were essentially terrorists. We saw these evil people for who they were, and realized that the law has to be bent, if not broken to deal with these terrorists. How many of you complained because leftists were complaining about Ackbar's cell phone being traced because he was calling Afghanistan before every terrorist attack? Well it's the same thing here people. Treat these corporate exectuive schmucks and parasites as the enemy. And here is Obama and the (god, I can't believe I'm standing up for these people) Democrat congress saying, "OH yeah, AIG??? Well F%CK YOU! We're taking it anyway!"

It's the ballsy leadership we need.

Criticize Obama for destroying the economy with unfinanceable bailouts.

Criticize Obama for basically making slavery legal again by enslaving our children to pay for a lazy parental generation.

Criticize Obama for being a pathetic, preppy, wanna be, mama's boy who isn't a real man and never paid his way through college.

But for cripes sake, when he targets aggressively the assholes who got us into this economic crisis, don't be so intellectually dishonest and bitch about procedure just like the left did about the treatment of terrorists at Gitmo.

3. Just finished teaching a dance class at a local high school. I told the kids to partner up. There are three young guys standing by themselves and 6 extra girls. Guess what happens!

The 6 girls partner up with EACH OTHER and leave the three guys by themselves.

Now I don't have children, but it seems to me I'd be an infinitely better parent than most out there. Whoever you parents are that bring up your daughter to the point they'd rather dance with one another and not the honorable young man who had the courage to attend a dance class should be ashamed because you failed.

Let me tell you what is the most insulting and pathetic behavior of young women today; when a MAN asks you to dance and you not only turn him down BUT THEN DANCE WITH A FEMALE FRIEND. Now I could forgive this if you were genuinely homosexual, and that's fine, but when it's nothing more than sophomoric, childish, girly behavior because you're too god damned insecure to interact with the opposite sex because your parents failed to bring you up right, then this behavior will ensure you're 40, single, beleaguered with cats as children-subsitutes, and wondering why you don't have children yet and why no man will date you.

I think it's high time fathers quit being the Ray Romano's of the world, man up, stand up to their wives, start drawing lines in the sand, and hold daily lessons in manhood with their daughters and teach them the proper etiquette of how to interact with men when they get older. That's you're GD fathers for. To teach your daughters how to interact with MEN.

But, of course, you don't have to listen to me. But you will have to listen to your daughter complain when she's 39, has passed up on 17 grand and wonderful men who would have made great son-in-laws, and cries and cries and cries about why "Sex in the City" didn't turn out to be a reality for her, and then you will say, "oh, why oh why, didn't I listen to the Captain on this one? Despite being so young, he was so wise."

Thus concludes my super fast analysis of this week's newsworthy events.

Your mission for this weekend;

Fathers - have the father daughter talk. The real one. Not the "ponies and princesses" one.

Mothers - Let the fathers do this so that your daughter may actually meet a real and nice man and bring you a couple grandkids.

Men - Go buy your DAME some flowers and ice cream or something and while you're at it write her a poem, not matter how goofy, they like the effort. Start with the phrase "Your kisses are sweeter than beer" and go from there.

Women - Go put on something sexy before your man comes home, fix him up a martini and light him up a cigar. Don't give me your complaints, just do it, I'm trying to help you.

Children - Play video games and watch Saturday morning cartoons (even though they suck compared to the Bugs Bunny cartoons we had back in the 80's). Then get off your lazy asses and go play outside.

Eveyrbody- buy the damn book already. Geez, I got to put table of food guys. I know,you can procrastinate and put it off till later, but you've been doing that for 8 months. What makes you think you're going to actually pull the trigger? Do it now already!

The Captain has spoken.

The Debt Star

HAR!!!

Can You Say, "Capital Flight?"

Today's term boys and girls is "capital flight."

You see, when a government treats corporations and companies like an abused wive or whipping boy, those companies have a tendency to want to leave. So if you tax them at, oh I don't know, 40% and villify them, like, oh, I don't know, THE OIL INDUSTRY, they will simply leave.

Say it with me now; C-A-P-I-T-A-L F-L-I-G-H-T