"I Have a Boyfriend in the UK"

The swing dance renaissance of the late 90’s brought out the best of my generation and provided us with arguably the best times we were ever going to have in our lives. Men were dressing in suits and women were dressing in dresses. People cared about what they looked like, not in a slutty, going-to-the-meat market sort of way, but more in a “how close can I get to look like Cary Gran/Audrey Hepburn” sort of way. It often reminded me of a theory I had that if the architecture in a city looked better then the people would be happier as it gave them something visually pleasing to look at. And the way the masses dressed I theorized would be no different and thus if the people would dress better then the masses would be happier. But if there was one thing to look at in the entire swing dance scene and something that would certainly make the men happier as it would be visually pleasing to look at, one had to go no further than the illustrious and moxified Jennifer Fondulac.

Jennifer Fondulac was every guy’s dream come true. She was a short, petite redhead whose specialty was not just fashion, but retro fashion. She would regale the men in the swing scene with beautiful 1950’s dresses, heels that were so classy they would put most of the Fredrick’s of Hollywood line to shame, and that classic 1950’s style of hair and make up. She was a naughty June Cleaver with a masters degree and her own company. She was, in the simplest terms, heavenly.

Fortunately for me I was one of the best swing dancers which invariably meant I got to not only dance with this heavenly creature, but I got to know her as well. She invited me over to a couple parties and soon, after enough conversation, she invited me out for a ride on her little moped. Sure enough, I showed up, and there she was on her vintage Vespa, pigtails coming out of her helmet and all. She took me for a joy ride through St. Paul and I dared to think that maybe, just maybe I should ask her out.

Of course in retrospect I was well within my rights to ask her out. We had danced, we were roughly on par with one another in terms of looks. Same intelligence level and she had invited me to not just parties, but now a one on one outing where she was giving me a ride on her moped. And so with great confidence that I was soon to be courting this hot red-headed number I asked her on a date. To which she responded,

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend.”

I was shocked. Never before in the past 4 months of me knowing her had I seen nor heard of a boyfriend. And given she had a passion for dancing, I figured he must have been on the swing dance scene as well. Completely confused as to his whereabouts I said,

“You have a boyfriend? Well where the hell has he been? I’ve never seen you with a guy before.”

And then the jaw-dropping moment came that would knock Jennifer from a heavenly, naughty, June Cleaver with red hair and a moped to just another childish, middle-schoolish girl,

“Well he lives in the UK.”

A face that can only be described as the Shrek-Donkey face when they see the Doluc welcome song took to my face.

Here was NOT a 13 year old child, but a 25 year old “woman” who “had a boyfriend in the UK.” I thought women left this childish crap back in middle school.

Now the reason I bring this up is that not only do I need to establish a historical record of what I had gone through during my twenties so you all know why your beloved Captain came out the way he did, and not only have I heard of this excuse being used more and more by older and older girls/women and therefore find it necessary to discuss it, but there are no doubt millions of young, middle school/high school boys where it is a ritual that they have to tolerate this vapid crap and are left even more confused than they already were (which was already an unacceptable amount of confusion anyway). Ergo let me explain;

1. That’s precisely what the “I have a boyfriend in Chile/UK/Russia” line is; vapid crap. There is no line or logic to it. If you get this excuse it’s because the girl doesn’t really want to have a boyfriend, but just likes to have the “status” of having a boyfriend.

2. I don’t know if it’s because girls are afraid of intimacy or what the specific reason is why girls resort to this, but you can see the inanity of it regardless when you ask the natural follow up question of “how often do you see him?” This is the logical question in that half, if not 90% of the point of having a boy/girlfriend is the kissings and the snugglings and (presuming you’re old enough) the sexings. The inanity is proved when they almost always say, “every 6 months he flies over for 2 weeks, but (are you ready for the eye-roller?) WE E-MAIL EVERY NIGHT," as if that has now validated this pointless relationship. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it is key to understand you don’t have to concern yourself with making heads or tails of it. All you have to do is realize that you ARE dealing with a little girl and is probably somebody you don’t want to go out with anyway.

3. I can understand younger girls (such as middle school or even freshmen in high school) doing this in that they are LITTLE GIRLS and prone to playing with Barbie Dolls and make-believe and living in lala land. But good lord and all that is Godiva Chocolates and fat wiener dogs, women who ARE IN THEIR 20’s???????? Now as I said before, this was quite some time ago when I ran into the 25 year old, but I’m hearing this as a more common event.

Thus, for all the Cappy Cap women out there, could some of you please explain to me what the heck is going on? In the meantime could we all make it a law or something this excuse is never used upon graduating from the 8th grade?

The Bubble Society

Understand that Americans, forever eschewing hard work and increases in efficiency and productivity, have become progressively more and more reliant upon bubbles to help sustain their standards of living. The Dotcom bubble was one such perfect example where it triggered such economic (albeit unsustainable) economic growth that social security was (foolishly) projected to have a surplus and the federal budget was actually running a surplus. Or the housing bubble where people relied on increasing home values to magically afford them a new SUV without any additional increase in work.

But the biggest bubble, and one that has yet to deflate fully, is the retirement bubble. Yes, tens of billions of dollars flooding religiously and regularly every month into the stock market because the federal government has just magically decided that stocks and mutual funds are now the defacto retirement vehicle for the masses. And with tax benefits granted via the 401k/IRA/403b and other plans, how can you not throw your money into the stock market?

Regardless, this behavior engrains in the American psychology that rising asset prices HAS to occur simply because we've invested so much in it. That Barack Obama CANNOT fail because we've put our hearts and souls into it. Or (on the other side of the political isle) America CANNOT fail because it's America and Americans are great because Sean Hannity told me so, tee-hee, I want an SUV and a rich husband, tee-hee! It is a religious belief rather than a calculated financial investment that drives market sentiment and thus why you have this;



Oh, yeah, THAT'S reassuring;

"America is still getting sucky, we're just getting suckier at a slightly less sucky rate."

And how does the market respond to this?

Up 2% I last saw today.

Oh yeah, like the market just isn't looking for ANY reason for prices to go up.

C-R-I-P-E-S

How to Stimulate the Economy #324

Much of the solution to get the US economy growing again involves destroying bottlenecks that keep or hold back production.

For example if we were allowed to get rid of children that disrupt class and thereby lessen the quality of education for the remaining 80%, imagine what levels of learning those kids could learn?

Instead of having "commuter lanes" that nobody uses or light rail systems that benefit the minority, why not build 12 lane highways so people can not only get to work on time, but spend more time with family, less time on the road, and if you are a true environmentalist, burn less fossil fuels as they zip quickly along.

We could even shoot the majority of bankers and mortgage brokers that caused the economic crisis we're in. Imagine a functional and accurate financial system that assesses risk and return precisely and allocates resources accordingly (not to mention the additional honesty we'd receive from bankers as "The Great Banker Purge of 2009" is fresh in their memories).

But of all the many bottlenecks we could destroy there is one that would cause immense economic growth;

The grocery store lane.

You see right now in Minnesota you get a 50/50 chance of having a self-check out lane at most grocery stores. Those 50% WITHOUT self-check out lanes are the culprits in holding back our economic recovery. Yes, I, along with many-a-bachelor have availed ourselves of this great time saving device. We save the grocery store money in that they needn't hire labor to check us out. And with the time saved, it gives us all that much more time to contribute to GDP and lead this nation out of recession.

But oh, there are those grocery stores that insist on holding us hostage, waiting behind Tilly and her $173.45 worth of groceries, keeping us from our heroic economic calling of contributing to GDP. Oh no, we're not allowed out of the slow grocery store lane. No, we have to suffer looking over worthless rags/magazines about Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt interspersed between the trashy romance novels. Only to be condemned to a lengthier sentence as Tilly pulls out her coupons.

Yes, Tilly saved $1.02.

But it cost the economy $3,506 in lost labor and production.

Ergo, when I am king, I shall mandate that all stores have self-check out lines so that the movers and shakers and true GDP-producers may pay for their wares, get out of the store and get on with their lives, while Tilly and her coupon cutters can hold each other up.

Wolfram Alpha

Will somebody please explain what the big deal is about this thing? I tried looking up a couple things and don't really get the purpose of it aside from another means by which to order and structure information.

Princesses

No wonder my generation is having troubles dating.

That being said, I can only imagine the dating hell young boys today are going to have to battle through when they are older. These girls literally are brought up to think they're princesses.

Sheesh!

Obama Beta

Ah, California. A spoiled state filled with spoiled people who think money grows on trees and you can have the government pay for everything while crippling the productive citizens with taxes, regulation and psychotic environmental standards. AND nothing bad will happen. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving group of people.

Understand though, California is nothing more than a beta trial version of Obama 1.0, which will roll out for the nation in a couple years.

In the meantime, how much you want to bet the children of California are going to ask states with more responsible people to bail them out with a federal hand out?

What an overrated state, simply (and this is how simple it is) because of the weather.

Because American Youth are Stupid

My conservative, libertarian and other capitalists friends still seem unable at times to come to grips with how precisely Barack Obama got elected. And while I try to explain to them that the American public is more interested in American Idol or "how the Twins are doing" than they are things like the federal budget, constitutional law, etc., they still don't seem to understand, that yes, a critical mass of the population is hopelessly ignorant and it is a hopeless situation. However, permit me if you will a chart that will explain a particular group of people who are particularly responsible for electing Barack Obama and are particularly stupid;

Young Americans.

Young (latin for - idiots who are too young to know what they're talking about and should not be able to vote until they're 35) Americans voted in droves for Barack Obama. Why they did this can be summarized why they voted for Stevie or whoever it was that won the latest round of American Idol. It was a popularity contest. Nobody bothered to look at his projected spending. Nobody bothered to see whether there was enough money to pay for his promises. Nobody held him up to any kind of standard or rigor that should have been applied to the president of the United States. And the reason why is that's "lame man. Why do you have to kill our good time? Why do you have to be such a downer, man? Who cares about economics and finance and the budget. Can't you just be for hope and change? Besides he's cool. Did you see his pecks? Geez, you're such a nerd!"

The problem is their ignorance has finally caught up with them. For while the Baby Boomers will it seems die before they have to pay the piper, Gen X and Gen Y will not. And all they've done in voting for "hope and change" is essentially indebt themselves further to the tune of several trillion dollars (I'm just saying "several" trillion because it's going to be more than three, but less than 60...I hope) In other words, no Gen X'er who voted for Obama looked at the chart below which shows how much additional federal debt has been added each year per person and shows they quite frankly, just got totally screwed;


It's frankly appalling that the government has burdened everybody (or projected to burden them) with more debt than we ever did in the history of the US. Not even in WWII when there was a crisis of genuinely epic proportions did we burden the American public so. And FDR indebted Americans NOWHERE NEAR THE AMOUNT TODAY (I adjusted for inflation). This is simply just idiots voting themselves bread and circuses who are too damn stupid to realize they've essentially turned themselves and their children into slaves to afford these things.

Now if you really want to do something funny today, print off the chart above and then show it to a young Obama supporter and watch them hem and haw and then DISMISS IT AS IRRELEVANT or "I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THOSE FIGURES" simply because they are too damn ignorant (or too damn ashamed) to realize they should have buyer's remorse. They will literally adhere to their ideology when you've just shown them they've swallowed, hook line and sinker indentured servitude. That is the definition of stupid.

The Captain's Wares

Tis time for the monthly shameless plugging of the Captain's wares.

Yes, the Captain's wares. It puts food on his table, pays the mortgage and helps him pay taxes to the beloved Obama!

Take a class on personal financial management

Learn how to invest in stocks

Buy his awesome book

Buy his "I contribute to GDP" apparel (and impress the opposite sex at the same time)

Or take a dance class (or buy his instructional dance dvd's if you happen to not be conveniently located in Minneapolis)

Go, do it now! Quick!

And the Winner Is....

Tom, with his simple, yet humorous chart showing pirates killed by presidents;


Tom, e-mail me at CAPTcapitalism@yahoo.com and claim your prizes!

Who the Ef Needs 10,000 Nukes???

OK, look, I'm all for nuclear weapons. But geez, what is the possible earthly reason for having 10,000 of them?

Ramirez Strikes Again

I think he has got to be the best political cartoonist ever;

Another Reason Not to Buy the Economist

I caught a lot of flak for daring to make a post about the merits of NOT having children and opting to lead a childless life. Of course this begat a bunch of hate-mail from people who seem to think that I, along with others, have no independence nor right to make our own decisions and by our mere existence are mandated to breed and bring children into this world (whether we want them or not or are able to bring them up or not).

And so to irk these nazis further I've decided to post another chart from The Economist which, once again, seems to betray its namesake in that it didn't adjust for certain simple economic factors. This chart shows the median income of (essentially) married people versus single children. They cite the incomes of people with a spouse and two children versus that of a single person. They then herald this "amazing" discovery that single people do not make as much as married and child-full people.



And that natural question I ask;

"Did you adjust for this income on a per capita basis?"

I didn't think so.

Latest Broadcast

Hi All,

Here's the latest broadcast;



Some of my better work actually. Feel free to listen whilst you go and do your daily chores on Sunday. Actually you won't regret it.

Cigarettes, Lottery Ticket, Pay by Check

I am often asked, "Captain, what would you do if you were president to get us out of this mess?"

And of the many things I'd recommend including eliminating corporate taxes, phasing out medicare and social security and welfare, as well as banning government finances of 2-year degrees and all liberal arts degrees, there is one that would come first and foremost;

Assassinating all people who insist on getting ahead of me in line at the gas station who then;

Ask for a pack of cigarettes
Who then debate what kind of cigarettes they want and talk through their thought process
Oh, guess what. They don't have menthols. Do you want another?
Hmmm...let me see. How about filtered?
The process restarts then, and inevitably a cancer stick of choice is chosen.
And upon finally getting those cigarettes, without fail, they buy at least one lottery ticket.
But not without first going through the same tortuously slow process of picking a type of cigarette.
Sure enough a stick that will kill them and a piece of paper that will impoverish them further is chosen. And how do these people pay for it?

With a check.

Of course by this time a line of 40 people has formed behind these people and we've all missed whatever previous engagement we had. And the economy has tanked an additional 6.2% GDP because these people are the plaque that clogs the arteries of America's economy. But that's alright, society accommodates for these people because it's more important to inconvenience the masses and tank the economy and grind all progress to a halt than to let the rest of us get on with our lives.

In any case, just sharing that with you guys that this would be my first act as president.

The Penny Budget

I remember teaching at a 2 year business college where the kids were so damn stupid they didn't know the difference between a million vs a billion vs a trillion. I then had to spend a day explaining the concept of moving a decimal three places. So hopefully this simple (yet brilliant) analogy will penetrate the thick skulls of all the 20 something children who voted for Obama because he was "cool."


Brought to you by The Deets! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE DEETS!!!!

If You Paid Half as Much Attention to Government as You Did Sports

I am old.

Or at least that is what I am told by the 20 somethings who tend bar at my favorite watering hole in my favorite town.

I am old.

I am also reliably informed that I am nerdy.

Never mind that I'm quite dashing. Never mind that I can dance the night away with any femme fatale I want. Never mind that I have probably had more than my fair share of dates with the local lovelies.

No, I'm a nerd.

And the reason I'm a nerd is that when I walk into my favorite bar, it is a 100% guarantee that the "game" is on. And it is also a 100% guarantee that all the 20 something staff, either on or off duty are watching the game. And when I walk into the bar and ask, "So is that team with the blue jersey's going to try to hit the ball with the wood stick harder than the team with the red jerseys are?"

"Boy, I sure hope he runs fast around that diamond in the dirt they placed for him there."

"Ooo! Look, one set of guys on skates are trying to hit the black disc into a net while A SEPARATE GROUP OF GUYS try to do the same, but to the other net! What chaos will ensue?"

"Wow! I hope the guys in the gray throw the orange sphere into the circle more than the guys in the purple do!"

It is a practical guarantee I am lectured, "Dude, you're such a nerd! Don't you know who that is! That's JOE MAUER!"

I then sarcastically point to the idiot in the bar wearing a Joe Mauer jersey with "MAUER" on the back and say, "Well wait, how can Joe Mauer be on the TV swinging the wooden stick when he's sitting at the bar."

Of course the larger intellectual point is lost on these twenty somethings, but that's just the point.

Watching sports is stupid.

Playing them, well now that's fun. There's a purpose in that. You get exercise, you get to play and have fun, there's also good ole fashioned competition. But to sit there and buy a $60 jersey and pin your happiness and hopes on one group of guys with white jerseys throwing the ball further than the other group of guys in the blue jerseys is bordering insane.

But here is an interesting thought, and one I cannot claim I concocted for I heard it on the Michael Medved show,

"What if people paid half the amount of attention to government than they do sports?"

Well I'll tell you what would happen, the country would not be in recession right now. Matter of fact, it may never be in recession again. For you see this is a democracy (anybody e-mailing me about this being a republic will be summarily ignored) and if the masses are ignorant and stupid, then the government is also going to be ignorant and stupid. Conversely if the masses are informed and educated, then the government would implement sound and effective laws and policies and standards of living would easily reach $250,000 income per capita.

However, this is not the case. People much rather watch a pointless score of how many times a rubber disc was shot across the ice and into another team's net than they would calculate the government deficit as a percent of GDP. People would much rather in a twisted (or perhaps complete lack of) logic apply relevancy of a football team's performance to their own personal lives than the tax rate they pay. People would much rather pin their success and happiness on the outcome of a basketball game than they would taking stewardship in this democracy, informing themselves about the issues, and in their citizenship duty vote in a competent government that would make effective decisions that would improve the lot of society.

In short, people would rather talk about Joe Mauer's batting average (which does not affect their lives in the slightest) than the medicare crisis (which most certainly will.)

Now, normally one would chalk this up to economics being "boring" and what "nerd" would want to talk about economics? However this moldy, boring study of economics seems to be getting a little bit more play and relevancy. As more and more people are being laid off and more and more of the dads of the 20 somethings are losing their jobs, now the kiddies are starting to realize there is the potential, though remote, that they might actually have to save some of their check to pay for rent instead of blowing it on booze in that there is the remote possibility daddy will not pay it for them (as daddy just recently was foreclosed upon or lost his job). Or that the tips are not coming in as much as the bar is only half as full as it used to be and people are tipping half as much.

Now of course we're a long way from 20 somethings putting as much effort into studying the federal budget as much as they do their fantasy football picks, but soon the desperation of the economy will more or less compel them to set the Iphonepoddiamondblue/blackberry down and maybe think or at least ponder, "Gee, how am I going to pay for my Crackberry Bill?"

Of course, this is the just the first step in a long and tortuous journey of discovering the truth. Of course it is already too late as these 20 somethings like Prager and Medved will inevitably become "Me too" conservatives only after they've pissed their lives away voting for people to destroy their futures, because this process takes 10 years to undo all the brainwashing. But at least it's a start and maybe some day...some day...these 20 somethings, albeit 40 somethings by the time they realize it, will come around. Of course, by that time it will be too late, but at least they'll understand why the country collapsed.

Because we all cared more about whether Brett Favre was going to play for the Vikings versus whether Obama was bankrupting the nation by bailing out inept and incompetent corporations.

Now go buy those dumb ass big styrafoam hands with the "#1" on it and wear your jerseys and "support your team" while the rest of the country dies because of a lack of real men.

Why I Had a Vasectomy

It angers me or at least annoys me when, presumably I am a free man and am allowed to live my life as I choose, I get lectured or this visceral, almost instinctive response from people when I tell them I had a vasectomy.

"WHAT!? Are you crazy? Why would you do that!"

"Well what's wrong with you? Why don't you want kids?

Some go so far as to even call it "selfish" that I don't want to endure the 18 year pain and agony that is known as a child.

But despite the obvious benefits to never having children, these benefits do not seem so obvious to the masses. And therefore as a benefit to the masses (not to mention to get these pro-children zealots off my ass) I have decided to explain, in detail why I decided not to have children so you may see there is actual rhyme and reason to such a decision and that you may really want to seriously think about it yourself.

First off there is the cost of a child. Forget it. Depending on the figures you use, a kid can run anywhere from $200,000 on the cheap to $500,000 on the average. I made a post once about the ROI of a vasectomy and basically you don't have to worry about paying for your retirement if you don't have kids. Amortized over 18 years (22 if you pay for college) you get an annualized rate of return (or technically savings) of around 47%. But forget investing it in the stock market, just think about the opportunity costs of that $500,000. A house, a boat, a car. All bought and paid for if you just refuse to have children. And if you think about that house, boat and car, isn't that why you're already an indentured slave anyway? What if you already had your house paid off by the age of 40? Retirement wouldn't be such a worry now would it? So I don't want to hear about people saying, "it's only money and you can't hug money." No, but I sure can hug a boat or a Pontiac Solstice.

Second is the issue of time. Time is empirically and economically the same thing as money, but that assumes you can choose to work. You don't have a choice when it comes to children. You have to allocate time to them. So when you are done working for 10 hours with a 2 hour commute, guess what, that kid is still going to need attention. You essentially have not only committed your personal financial resources, you've really and literally have committed yourself to becoming a slave for 18 years. And guess what? Every time you have another one, the sentence is renewed. Sorry, I get one shot at this life and it isn't going to be baby sitting a child, or multiple children. It's going to be doing what I want to do. And no that isn't being "selfish."

The reason it isn't being selfish is (third) the fact I know I would be a bad father. In knowing I don't want to have children, I spare any would be children from what would be guaranteed to be a horrible upbringing. THIS IS INFINITELY MORE COMPASSIONATE THAN SOMEBODY WHO HAS A CHILD, FINDS THE CHILD INCONVENIENT AND THEN SENDS IT TO DAY CARE OR HIRES A NANNY TO TAKE CARE OF IT. This is INFINITELY MORE COMPASSIONATE THAN THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE TODAY WHO HAVE CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY "WANT A CHILD" JUST LIKE THEY "WANT AN SUV" OR A "EUROPEAN TRIP." AND THIS IS CERTAINLY INFINITELY MORE COMPASSIONATE AND CARRYING THAN HAVING A CHILD TO COLLECT ANOTHER WELFARE CHECK ALA OCTOMOM. Call me selfish all you want, I at least care enough about children to know that unless I would be home with them or my wife would, then I shouldn't even bring them into this world.

Fourth, along the same lines of caring enough about a child to not have one is the issue of slavery. Oh sure slavery is illegal, but I'm sorry, have you seen the entitlement spending commitments this country has burdened future generations with? That $1.4 trillion deficit the government ran? Yeah, that's just a mere fraction of the estimated $10 trillion in new debt future generations will be saddled with by the "compassionate and caring" socialists in the government. And social security and medicare? You see the commitments on those programs? What worsens it is that I adamantly refuse to have my child grow up to become anything but a productive member of society, which only guarantees he'll be a battery or host for future parasites whose parents were not so adamant about instilling an honorable work ethic, if not brainwashed them that the "man" was out to get them and they were disadvantaged and poor and were entitled to sit on their asses and achieve nothing while, essentially making my child a slave for them. Forget it. Again, my unborn child does not deserve that and will never have to face that.

Fifth, I see this more and more in Minnesota. The legal risks of having children. You can't spank them, you can't discipline them no matter how much of a beating they need. No they need "time outs." They need "stern words." I can see it now. I will be prohibited from effectively disciplining my child which will result in a mini-Kim Jong Ill dictator who, with the help of the public schools brainwashing him, will turn me in for false charges of child abuse or (give it 10 years) failing to recycle. I'll be as effective as the UN.

Finally, and this is what I don't get, is the lifestyle. What is so damn wrong with wanting to have a lifestyle of no children? Look, 6 billion people on the planet and 50 billion before them have done what we've always done and that is;

have children.

Well yipdeefreakingding.

Having children is NOT a new experience. It's NOT unique. And if people would stop and think about it for one genuine second and ask "Hey, I only get one shot at this life. What do I want to achieve?" I think more and more people would start to realize they are finite and get only one shot at this life and would start to agree more and more with me. I'm about to take a month long vacation. I get to sleep in till 10 AM everyday. I get to keep my house in whatever order I want. I get to go fossil hunting and shan't leave this planet until I go dustdevil chasing in Australia. I get to salsa dance every night. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want and even at this early age have already achieved and lived more than most people twice my age.

And the reason why is that children, no matter how lovely or loved, still handicap your ability to go and live this life as contrasted if you were without them.

Now I know people do have children and do genuinely love them and do genuinely appreciate them and would have it no other way. But for god's sake, can society at least accept or acknowledge there are damn good reasons NOT to have children? Can society at least respect another individual's wish not to have a child? And for the love of all that is chocolates and ice cream can you people with "baby-rabies" that find it your place to lecture others about not having children back off? Besides which, we all know why you insist everybody have children just like you.

Misery loves company.

POST POST - To the ignorant people who do not understand the vasectomy procedure, I am not a eunuch. Look it up and get informed. For those regular Cappy Cap readers you have no idea how many comments I've deleted simply because morons think I'm running around without...um...'the boys." I apologize for having to explain this simple anatomical lesson.

POST POST POST - If you think this was insightful, buy my book. My bachelor pad ways needs financing. Tumblers of scotch don't pay for themselves you know!

Recession Medicine #3

Enjoy the Unemploy

I, like many of my friends, have decided to "go Galt" which means we make just enough to survive and that's it. Many thanks to Barack Obama and the socialists in the congress (and understand I use the term "socialist" not in the pejorative sense, but in the literal sense) I got hit with a walloping tax bill that force myself to ask "is this even worth it to have a day time job if I make enough on my own to pay the bills and afford the occasional meal out?"

The answer is no. And the reason the answer is no is because you can't tax free time. Ergo, why commit to a full time job when over half my income will be confiscated between state, federal and local authorities? It doesn't pay to work, unless the pay somehow overcompensates for the taxes.

Now I will admit that I have the benefit of having alternative sources of income which permit me to do this, but with more and more of my friends becoming unemployed, I think it's high time for a lesson not to so much assuage the guilt of perhaps being unemployed, but to make those of you out there who are unemployed realize that there is a real benefit to this and that you should not be so depressed. And that benefit is free time.

Now look, you're going to find a job in the future and that job will be "kind" enough to grant you 2-3 weeks paid vacation. You work there for 10 years (heh, because you know how corporate loyalty is nowadays) and you might work your way up to 4 weeks vacation. But never will you be granted 2 months or 3 months vacation. That is how you must look at unemployment; a SUPER long vacation.

Yes, I know you don't have income coming in. Yes, I know times may be tough. But unless you have children and a family to feed, unemployment is frankly and literally your BEST and ONLY opportunity to have some real fun in life.

For example my beloved Babe of Capitalism was unfortunately laid off. She was depressed, but with severance and unemployment, should be able to make it 5 months without any real hardship. Now aside from my boyish charming humor and amazing kissing skils, to make her happy I decided we should avail ourselves of this (maybe) twice in a lifetime opportunity and take a 6 week vacation out in the Black Hills and Badlands. And if you think about it, seriously, when else would we have such an opportunity?

You go anywhere for 2 weeks and you're rushed. You can't sit, you can't relax, you have to go go go go go. "See Europe in a 2 weeks!"

Well that would result in a blur now wouldn't it?

No, see Europe in 6 weeks. See Glacier National Park in 3 weeks and then go to the Grand Tetons for another 3. See the Caribbean over the course of a long slow 2 months. That is how you should vacation.

And unless you know of a better time to take a good, thorough vacation than a 3 month spate of unemployment, I just don't see life presenting another such opportunity.

Ergo, beloved work-lorn people of the laid off classes, do not worry or fret or even waste another calorie of energy concerning yourselves with finding a job. One, it's not in your control and all you can do is apply. But, two, more importantly is to take advantage of this rare opportunity to really go and do what you want. You will probably not have another chance.

Flowers and Puppies and Ice Cream and Priuses and Santa Claus and Social Security and Leprechauns!

If you believe this,

Then you were probably stupid enough to believe in "hope and change."

The chances of 3.5% growth is a FRACTION of Jennifer Aniston showing up at my doorstep with a batch of chocolate chip cookies.