Wednesday, December 02, 2009
God Bless the Aussies
The Australian Dollar should rally at least 20% over it's western pro-global warming counterparts who actually sign onto any cap and trade.
Why Your Tuition is So High
C R I P E S
You can also file this under;
"Why your child will come back to live with you after they graduate from college."
"Why the Chinese will inevitably dominate over the US."
"Why social security and medicare will go unfunded as nobody is producing anything of real worth in this country."
"Why you are unemployed or flipping burgers with your bachelors degree in music."
You can also file this under;
"Why your child will come back to live with you after they graduate from college."
"Why the Chinese will inevitably dominate over the US."
"Why social security and medicare will go unfunded as nobody is producing anything of real worth in this country."
"Why you are unemployed or flipping burgers with your bachelors degree in music."
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Talk Radio as Punishment
I was a senior in high school when our local congressional representative came to visit our school and give us some general bland speech congressmen usually give to high school students. We were forced to attend and since the intelligence level of the speech would obviously be aimed at high school students, I knew that I was basically in for another hour of my life being wasted. But what did another hour matter given the past 13 years?
So there I sat and the representative, who was good, was obviously dumbing it down for his audience. He then asked a simple question that every high schooler should know;
“How many members are there in congress?”
I looked around and saw that out of the roughly 500 students NOBODY was raising their hands. I thought to myself, “Good Christ, NOBODY KNOWS????” I soon realized we’d be stuck there longer if somebody didn’t move the speech along and answer the man’s question.
I raised my hand. He called on me and I said, “535.”
He said, “correct” and then continued on with his speech.
There was then a tap on my shoulder from the seat behind me.
It was this young punk freshman who was already notorious because at the wise age of 14 he decided he would get a REAL tattoo of a spider web EXPANDING FROM HIS EYE. He looked like an even more idiotic version of Adam Lambert.
He asked me in a Beavis and Butthead tone, “Heh, heh, how many beers are in a case?”
I didn’t know, so I said, “I don’t know, 6? 12?”
“Heh heh, it’s 24! Shows you how much you know, stupid!”
And I sat there and thought in utter irony, “Yes, actually IT DOES SHOW me how much I know!”
Fast forward many years and there I am substitute teaching. I was subbing for an unnamed school in a district that was rapidly turning from inner suburb to ghetto. Kids, accustomed to having no authority or discipline meted out upon them were running rampant. Nobody sitting in their seat. Talking blatantly while the teacher was trying to lecture. But my favorite was when I was waiting for students to get to class before the bell and this kid comes in with a radio blasting some worthless rap. We had some time before the class started so I asked him, “what the heck is that you’re listening to?”
“DJ Dayz and something or other” I couldn’t remember what it was.
I said, “Dude, how does that materially sound any different than any other rap group out there?”
Thinking I was some how insulting him he said, “Well what do you listen to?”
I said, “Jazz, some rock and roll, lounge, but primarily talk radio if I’m just listening to the radio.”
“Pfa! Talk radio???” and he then turned back to his music.
At recess that day I was to chaperone the students, and as I was outside just standing around I hear in a blurred together saying, “TALKRADIOSUCKSZAAAA!”
And then three middle school idiots, sniveling and snorking, looking at me as if I;
1. Didn’t know who they were.
2. Could not deduce who it could have possibly been given I only had ONE conversation about talk radio with ONE student in my entire life.
Now it has been some time since I was in high school.
And actually it has been quite some time since I substitute taught.
But I have a couple questions.
1. Where are these idiots now? And
2. Politics set aside, would they not be better off listening to talk radio?
There is no larger point I wish to make. It’s just a very simple point. Idiots, which are readily and easily identifiable in high school and middle school, would benefit immensely from talk radio.
First, they are punished for being idiots by being forced to listen to talk radio. Second, they might actually learn something if forced to listen to it. But (and here’s the kicker) third, talk radio is arguably the ideal “punishment” in that it is addictive. There’s an actual plot or point to it. It’s not just some idiot cursing and swearing about pimps and hoes, there’s a story AND it’s real life. The kid, I would gander, would not only have to sheepishly admit he/she listens to talk radio, they would learn something AND it would definitely set them on a better track than the one they were on before.
Heck, you could even have the kid listen to NPR, though Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage would certain engage their attention better. But the larger point is could not the schools (public and private) be using this advanced weaponry to help discipline and educate the kids at the same time too? Let alone inoculate them against future poverty and strife? Mayhaps even set them on the road towards success?
So there I sat and the representative, who was good, was obviously dumbing it down for his audience. He then asked a simple question that every high schooler should know;
“How many members are there in congress?”
I looked around and saw that out of the roughly 500 students NOBODY was raising their hands. I thought to myself, “Good Christ, NOBODY KNOWS????” I soon realized we’d be stuck there longer if somebody didn’t move the speech along and answer the man’s question.
I raised my hand. He called on me and I said, “535.”
He said, “correct” and then continued on with his speech.
There was then a tap on my shoulder from the seat behind me.
It was this young punk freshman who was already notorious because at the wise age of 14 he decided he would get a REAL tattoo of a spider web EXPANDING FROM HIS EYE. He looked like an even more idiotic version of Adam Lambert.
He asked me in a Beavis and Butthead tone, “Heh, heh, how many beers are in a case?”
I didn’t know, so I said, “I don’t know, 6? 12?”
“Heh heh, it’s 24! Shows you how much you know, stupid!”
And I sat there and thought in utter irony, “Yes, actually IT DOES SHOW me how much I know!”
Fast forward many years and there I am substitute teaching. I was subbing for an unnamed school in a district that was rapidly turning from inner suburb to ghetto. Kids, accustomed to having no authority or discipline meted out upon them were running rampant. Nobody sitting in their seat. Talking blatantly while the teacher was trying to lecture. But my favorite was when I was waiting for students to get to class before the bell and this kid comes in with a radio blasting some worthless rap. We had some time before the class started so I asked him, “what the heck is that you’re listening to?”
“DJ Dayz and something or other” I couldn’t remember what it was.
I said, “Dude, how does that materially sound any different than any other rap group out there?”
Thinking I was some how insulting him he said, “Well what do you listen to?”
I said, “Jazz, some rock and roll, lounge, but primarily talk radio if I’m just listening to the radio.”
“Pfa! Talk radio???” and he then turned back to his music.
At recess that day I was to chaperone the students, and as I was outside just standing around I hear in a blurred together saying, “TALKRADIOSUCKSZAAAA!”
And then three middle school idiots, sniveling and snorking, looking at me as if I;
1. Didn’t know who they were.
2. Could not deduce who it could have possibly been given I only had ONE conversation about talk radio with ONE student in my entire life.
Now it has been some time since I was in high school.
And actually it has been quite some time since I substitute taught.
But I have a couple questions.
1. Where are these idiots now? And
2. Politics set aside, would they not be better off listening to talk radio?
There is no larger point I wish to make. It’s just a very simple point. Idiots, which are readily and easily identifiable in high school and middle school, would benefit immensely from talk radio.
First, they are punished for being idiots by being forced to listen to talk radio. Second, they might actually learn something if forced to listen to it. But (and here’s the kicker) third, talk radio is arguably the ideal “punishment” in that it is addictive. There’s an actual plot or point to it. It’s not just some idiot cursing and swearing about pimps and hoes, there’s a story AND it’s real life. The kid, I would gander, would not only have to sheepishly admit he/she listens to talk radio, they would learn something AND it would definitely set them on a better track than the one they were on before.
Heck, you could even have the kid listen to NPR, though Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage would certain engage their attention better. But the larger point is could not the schools (public and private) be using this advanced weaponry to help discipline and educate the kids at the same time too? Let alone inoculate them against future poverty and strife? Mayhaps even set them on the road towards success?
Recession Medicine - Deduce, You Say?
Heck, pour yourself a drink before you watch this. You deserve it.
Private Sector Experience
Correct.
This is why I wrote this post which is mandatory reading for all people, democrat or republican.
This is why I wrote this post which is mandatory reading for all people, democrat or republican.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Germany's Reuinification Tax
I received this from a pretty fraulein in Germany, which then piqued my curiosity, triggering this question;
"I have a stupid question.
Did it ever occur to the Germans immediately after reunification that a reunification tax would NOT be necessary as private investment would presumably swoop in and take advantage of the cheap land, labor and capital? Or was "reunification" just used as a excuse to create another tax?"
Any German economists out there have any thoughts?
"I have a stupid question.
Did it ever occur to the Germans immediately after reunification that a reunification tax would NOT be necessary as private investment would presumably swoop in and take advantage of the cheap land, labor and capital? Or was "reunification" just used as a excuse to create another tax?"
Any German economists out there have any thoughts?
The Women Who Try to Make Me Fat
Let it be known that your captain is victorious!
Yes, after a long, multi-battle, gruesome war, ole Cappy Cap has defeated the nefarious and many women of his life that set out to make him fat.
Oh, it started innocently enough. A formal dinner party at Bambi's place in sleepy, suburban Rosemount, Minnesota. Served were rosemary potatoes, caramel glazed carrots with BOTH apple topped pork and tender beef tips. Not complete without martini's, Rumpleminze, wine and THREE different types of desserts. Everybody was having a mirthful time, but oh, I knew, I KNEW what she was trying to do. She was trying to fatten me up!
Sure enough what I hoped would be just a minor, one time, clandestine operation, turned into all out war as my mother made not one, but TWO chickens for a measly 4 people on Thanksgiving Day. Of course it included potatoes, squash, apple pie AND french silk pie. They weren't even trying to hide the fact! They were declaring all out war on me and at all costs were going to make me fat!
Then there was Sindi's house. Never mind most of us already had two Thanksgiving dinners already. No, now came the final assault. TWO types of ham, THREE DIFFERENT PIES, so much booze that it would make Lewis Nixon blush, cheese potatoes, a creme-cheese-pepper-jalapeno-cilantro-tobasco sauce chip dip, coleslaw, home made buns, pomegranite martinis, and an ice cream dessert that included;
Rumpleminze
Amaretto
Kaluha
Baileys
Creme De Cocoa
with dove chocolate chunks.
Oh, it was the H-bomb of Thanksgiving dinners. It could not get any worse my friends. But it did. For during the entire Thanksgiving week, Natasha was providing these women constant air support. I was constantly bombarded with "Whipping" me up this. "Whipping" me up that. "Would you like another Rumpleminze dear?" "Oh this? I just decided to whip up a little stir fry. It has fresh jalapenos, just like you like it!"
Oh, how could any man survive!?
Well, let it be known fellow Captain Capitalismites, that your Captain, virtuous and true, was a pillar of self-control. And combined with rigorous exercise managed to keep the pounds off. So much so, that when I stepped on the scale this morning, I had LOST 2 POUNDS OVER THE WEEK!
All their scheming.
All their plotting.
All these women, trying to make me fat.
All for naught!
Their plans were foiled. Their schemes undone!
Yes, all their efforts were muted by the steel resolve and self-discipline that is known as the Captain.
Be wary my male economist friends, be wary. For if women decide to make a full frontal assault against me, they no doubt have plans for you!
Yes, after a long, multi-battle, gruesome war, ole Cappy Cap has defeated the nefarious and many women of his life that set out to make him fat.
Oh, it started innocently enough. A formal dinner party at Bambi's place in sleepy, suburban Rosemount, Minnesota. Served were rosemary potatoes, caramel glazed carrots with BOTH apple topped pork and tender beef tips. Not complete without martini's, Rumpleminze, wine and THREE different types of desserts. Everybody was having a mirthful time, but oh, I knew, I KNEW what she was trying to do. She was trying to fatten me up!
Sure enough what I hoped would be just a minor, one time, clandestine operation, turned into all out war as my mother made not one, but TWO chickens for a measly 4 people on Thanksgiving Day. Of course it included potatoes, squash, apple pie AND french silk pie. They weren't even trying to hide the fact! They were declaring all out war on me and at all costs were going to make me fat!
Then there was Sindi's house. Never mind most of us already had two Thanksgiving dinners already. No, now came the final assault. TWO types of ham, THREE DIFFERENT PIES, so much booze that it would make Lewis Nixon blush, cheese potatoes, a creme-cheese-pepper-jalapeno-cilantro-tobasco sauce chip dip, coleslaw, home made buns, pomegranite martinis, and an ice cream dessert that included;
Rumpleminze
Amaretto
Kaluha
Baileys
Creme De Cocoa
with dove chocolate chunks.
Oh, it was the H-bomb of Thanksgiving dinners. It could not get any worse my friends. But it did. For during the entire Thanksgiving week, Natasha was providing these women constant air support. I was constantly bombarded with "Whipping" me up this. "Whipping" me up that. "Would you like another Rumpleminze dear?" "Oh this? I just decided to whip up a little stir fry. It has fresh jalapenos, just like you like it!"
Oh, how could any man survive!?
Well, let it be known fellow Captain Capitalismites, that your Captain, virtuous and true, was a pillar of self-control. And combined with rigorous exercise managed to keep the pounds off. So much so, that when I stepped on the scale this morning, I had LOST 2 POUNDS OVER THE WEEK!
All their scheming.
All their plotting.
All these women, trying to make me fat.
All for naught!
Their plans were foiled. Their schemes undone!
Yes, all their efforts were muted by the steel resolve and self-discipline that is known as the Captain.
Be wary my male economist friends, be wary. For if women decide to make a full frontal assault against me, they no doubt have plans for you!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Achievements in Bachelor History
While becoming the optimal bachelor certainly is an art, little known to the non-bachelor community there is actually a lot of science behind the art. One of the main goals is minimalism, ie- where you try to minimalize the unnecessary things in life.
For example making the bed takes too much time. You minimalize it by never making your bed in the first place and leaving it just the way you left it for you're just going to mess it up again. I've gone so far as to even get rid of my bed because I never used it and now sleep on the couch in front of the LCD projector.
Or minimalizing children. I for example have zero. It makes life a lot easier.
CD's? Don't have them anymore, converted them entirely to MP3 and donated the CD's to goodwill.
Dishes? 1 spoon, 1 fork, 1 bowl, 1 plate. Never use them because I always eat out.
Now I can go on and point out other areas where the Minimalistic Principle applies in bachelorhood, however I have now achieved another great milestone in minimalism;
I can fit all my clothes into one hamper.
Oh sure, they're smushed in there pretty good (because folding clothes you see is just another waste of time), and probably have the molecular density of uranium, but they're in one good size hamper. This has permitted me to get rid of my dresser (which I never used anyway because my clothes would migrate from the drier to the bed and the floor and stay there until used) and frees up more room for my video game cabinet.
Yes, another Achievement in Bachelor History!
Young aspring, junior, deputy and otherwise official bachelor economists should take note.
For example making the bed takes too much time. You minimalize it by never making your bed in the first place and leaving it just the way you left it for you're just going to mess it up again. I've gone so far as to even get rid of my bed because I never used it and now sleep on the couch in front of the LCD projector.
Or minimalizing children. I for example have zero. It makes life a lot easier.
CD's? Don't have them anymore, converted them entirely to MP3 and donated the CD's to goodwill.
Dishes? 1 spoon, 1 fork, 1 bowl, 1 plate. Never use them because I always eat out.
Now I can go on and point out other areas where the Minimalistic Principle applies in bachelorhood, however I have now achieved another great milestone in minimalism;
I can fit all my clothes into one hamper.
Oh sure, they're smushed in there pretty good (because folding clothes you see is just another waste of time), and probably have the molecular density of uranium, but they're in one good size hamper. This has permitted me to get rid of my dresser (which I never used anyway because my clothes would migrate from the drier to the bed and the floor and stay there until used) and frees up more room for my video game cabinet.
Yes, another Achievement in Bachelor History!
Young aspring, junior, deputy and otherwise official bachelor economists should take note.
Phil Jones' Worthless Life
Wow, can your life be any more meaningless????? Seriously, what do you tell girls at the bar?
"I fabricated data to show the globe has warmed .8 degrees Celsius in the past 157 years. That's my life's work???"
I'm being deadly serious, what kind of a worthless person is he? Compare him to Shackleton. Compare him to your everyday veteran. Compare him to your average dentist. Compare him to the hard working men and women who slave everyday to make a living. Hell, compare him to a teenage burger flipper. He's a freaking failure. A pathetic excuse for a man. Only massive government funds and a scam could give such a worthless individual the facade of having relevance.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Natasha Calendar is Now Available
The 2010 Natasha calendar is now available for the low low price of $14! All proceeds will go to a completely, 100%, sinful capitalist enterprise...the profits of which will no doubt be spent on booze, gambling, women and X-Box 360 games. Regardless, need I remind you that for all of you out there that "clamoured" for young Natasha, she was VERY kind to volunteer herself and her time to take these pictures and it would mean a lot to her if you'd show your appreciation by buying one.
You can purchase a calendar by sending your ole Captain an e-mail at CAPTcapitalism@yahoo.com.
Teachers in the UK
In other words, "we don't want to be teachers or do anything that would result in actually educating the students like holding them to standards. We want to be overpaid baby sitters."
Well At Least It Ain't Europe
That's always how I want to measure the success of a nation.
"At least we're not __________"
It's like your mom when she would say to you as a kid, "Well at least you don't have cancer!"
Or
"At least you have food on the table!"
I dislike those kind of comparisons because it lowers the bar and brainwashes you to have low expectations. ie-Since you DON'T have ebola and are NOT paralyzed from the neck down you should be GRATEFUL that the country is collapsing.
"At least we're not __________"
It's like your mom when she would say to you as a kid, "Well at least you don't have cancer!"
Or
"At least you have food on the table!"
I dislike those kind of comparisons because it lowers the bar and brainwashes you to have low expectations. ie-Since you DON'T have ebola and are NOT paralyzed from the neck down you should be GRATEFUL that the country is collapsing.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Good Lord
No, seriously, all male Cappy Capites need to read this. Not that I would necessarily agree with his crass tone, but if the law/courts are stacked this much against us, forget it. I'm out of the game.
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