Sunday, January 28, 2007

Bachelor Pad Economics - Lesson #2

For the ladies.

I walk into what is arguably the finest, classiest place in all of the Twin Cities right now;

Matty B's.

Matt Burke's joint, for those sports aficionados, of the Minnesota Vikings.

Happening jump swing band, ample dance floor, score of people dancing east coast swing. Everybody having a good time and dressed very professionally.

Now I shall level with you, I don't bother asking girls to dance much any more because they largely fall into three categories;

1. Female friends that there is no romatic potential.
2. Swing "SNatzi's" which is a contigent of 20 and 30 somethings in the Twin Cities that value their entire lives on their ability to swing and not their ability to get a job.
3. Girls that rehearse the Minnesotan Women State anthem; "No"

So upon entering Matty B's my primary objective was to have a cocktail, listen to the band, and as an unkbeknownst bonus side show laugh at this Jesus Freak I know wearing false-advertising-provocative clothing get hit on and serenaded by the sax player 30 years her senior.

But as I gallivant to a table to talk to a couple acquaintances, I see in the back corner this drop dead gorgeous girl.

Now, there are girls that you look at and in a factual manner say, "Yes, that girl is VERY attractive."

But it is a statement of fact. An emotionless obsevation.

Angelina Jolie is hot, sure, but I'd rather skin myself that talk to her.

But every once in a while, the old man upstairs sends you something that is not only a factually "attractive woman" but an attractive woman that has something else about her that is so COMPELLING that you have no choice but to go and pursue her.

And in an odd way, even though you haven't talked, it is no longer an emotionless observation that she is an insanely attractive woman, but there is actually an unexplained and unwarranted emotion you have for this particular femme fatale.

Other non-economist people just call this "love at first sight."

So when you put your hand on a hot stove burner, I remembered from biology class, the pulse or pain does not actually reach your brain, it goes to the brain stem, where the brain stem in an automated response will immediately jerk your hand away.

It was the same thing as I immediately got up out of my chair and with unrivalled confidence I approached the table where her and her girlfriend were sitting and I asked her to dance.

Band playing.

Ample, yet populated dance floor.

Good lookin' guy.

Good lookin' girl.

Decked to the nines.

And then....

The "Ping Pong Game."

Ah yes, the Ping Pong Game.

Let me explain this to all you aspiring female economists out there so that this does not happen to you.

You see, there are a very limited, VERY EFFING LIMITED supply of men out there that know how to dance and can make you look like a billion bucks out on the dance floor. Furthermore, there are very limited men (bravado set aside) like me who not only know how to dance, but enjoy it and would like nothing more than to take you on a whirlwind tour of the different ballrooms in the world to trip the light fantastic.

So when a guy comes up to you and asks you to dance there is a correct answer.

And that answer is "yes."

Now there are other answers that we men, of unrivalled skill, culture and talent, will accept that are incorrect answers knowing full well you've passed up a great catch and realize it is you that has truly lost out. Such acceptable answers are;

No

Not now

I'm tired

No thank you.

I don't know how to dance.

I'm just here to drink.

I'm gay.

Etc. etc.

But what we men, of unrivalled talent and culture, one might even say Cary-Grantishness (and I'm not being arrogant here) will not tolerate is when you point to your friend and in a 7th grade way say whilst giggling, "No, you dance with him."

And then your friend, in an equally childish, immature and insulting manner, giggles and then points back at you and says, "no, you dance with him."

And then in a ping-pong like fashion, completely oblivious to the man who has taken his time to come over there and offer you what is literally a once-in-a-life-time-opportunity point at each other and say;

"No you dance with him."

"No you dance with him."

"Tee hee. I don't know how do dance. No you."

"Tee hee!!! No I don't know how to dance. No you!"

"Oh, she knows how to dance, but she won't admit it."

"No, stop, you should be the one to dance with him."

All the while and in front of the young man who had the courage and fortitude to ask you to dance.

There is no quicker way to go from;

-A woman who had the potential to tell her grandchildren that grandpa saw her and fell in love with her the moment he saw her and said, "that is the woman for me" while grandpa to that day still thinks she is the most gorgeous woman on the face of the planet

to;

- A woman who is 50, frumpy and fat wondering why she's alone and divorced watching re-runs of Sex in the City and will die alone with Jessica Parker

than playing that insanely stupid, childish and unacceptable Ping Pong game.

So all aspiring Junior, Deputy, Official and otherwise Female Babe economists;

Bachelor Pad Economics - Lesson #2 - DON'T PLAY THE PING PONG GAME.

Say "yes."

12 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:27 AM

    If you want to come across as a sports afficionado yourself in Minnesota, you may want to spell Matt Birk's name right.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous9:16 AM

    I know nothing about swing dancing, but I do know a lot about the female Norwegian Lutheran personality, which I imagine still lurks in Minnesota, even at Matty B's. So I guess I'd get to know her first and then take her out dancing. Once she trusts you she will have you dancing all night until you're begging for a rest. Women are wired that way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nah, I've always preferred to play sports as opposed to watch them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. DMK,

    About the only thing I can think of that has had any tangible result is (sadly) going overseas and outsourcing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Alice,

    Yeah, that Norwegian Lutheran personality of no sex, no kissing, no hand holding, first time I have sex Jesus will be in the bedroom, sex is only for breeding,

    yeah, not really a much-sought-after-commodity.

    I don't think anybody is chasing after those types except con-men.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Girls like that are the Enron of the dating world. All flash, with nothing to back it up. What you're looking for are the undervalued stocks.

    Go back to that place, and instead of asking the prettiest girl to dance, ask the homeliest. This is even more interesting if she's accompanied by bunch of pretty friends.

    Some rules: this only works if you are sincere and show the girl a great time. Who knows, she might tell her grandchildren you were a knight in shining armour who swept her off her feet.

    She may not be "the one" but you'll have fun and in the process perform some good PR for yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous12:51 PM

    The Captain and myself employ opposite strategies when it comes to dating. While he knows how to swing, puts himself in promising social situations and favors 1940's romantic notions, I've been employing a little dataing strategy called "playing Hard-To-Want".

    Mostly it involves pursuing my Holy Trinity of interests: economics, video games, and anime, while carefully navigating the sea of women that typically accompanies those pursuits.

    In the end we're both still single, but I got to play more video games along the way, which is pretty much the only viable yardstick for victory as far as that goes.

    Best of luck in the future, Captain. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous2:21 PM

    I will vouch for you - you are a fantastic dancer! All I can say is that the girls must really be stupid not to recognize a good thing.

    Keep trying. She's out there.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Actually, I'm employing the strategy of "not going out and going to the local Irish pub to have my cocktail and then retire to my X-Box 360."

    I don't get many dates, but I get lot of booze and quality time in with my X-Box 360.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yes, yes I am a fantastic dancer.

    But no, no I won't keep trying.

    Inevitably you have to look at your life and say, "Alright, I only have a certain finite amount of time left on this planet and I can piss it away commuting to dance clubs where I have to deal with ping-pong girls, or i can stay in, eat a good meal, have my nightly cocktail at my favorite pub."

    The event at Matty B's was just a fluke. Usually I stop in and leave, typically without dancing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Acutally, I was there before the renaissance of swing dancing in the late 90's, ie-before little college kids thought it was "cool" and christian singles groups used it as a means to make up for their socialization skills.

    I even won a couple competitions in my day.

    So trust me kid, I know more about swing dancing than just ballroom experience.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous11:44 AM

    Oh, it's tough when you get this "love at first sight" feeling and she's letting you down, behaving so childish...

    Some men think of these Girls as they were Giffen goods: The higher the price, the more you want it. They keep trying until they (perhaps) finally succeed, only to find out that she IS indeed a moron, something he should've noticed the first time he talked to her.

    You did it right, Cap! A man's demand for women/sex shouldn't be indefinitely high, so that he's able to wait for the perfect women to enter his life. Until this happens, do what every man (and woman) should do: keep contributing to GDP and play video games!

    To answer your question, yes, I am jumping the border quite frequently. Born and raised in Germany, I emigrated from socialist "Vaterland" to Switzerland in order to study and have a chance of getting a decent job (and, of course, to contribute to Swiss GDP).

    ReplyDelete