Advice for My Younger Cappy Cap Brothers

WARNING - This post contains somewhat adult commentary/situations so if you have youth around or are easily offended I'd suggest not reading further.

I often forget what I have been through and this I don't think is coincidence. I think the mind, to maintain its sanity tries to purge or at least subconsciously avoid you having to think about things in the past that are so depressing, if not debilitating, that you have gone through that you would not be able to function or would be severely depressed if you remembered them in full and in all of their gory detail. However, at the same time, you have to view these trials and tribulations throughout life as learning experiences and if you are to be any kind of honorable "elder" you will pass on what you learned through your successes and mistakes so that the future generations may have a more productive and successful life than you. Ergo, I think it is time for a lesson for the younger male cappy caps out there who read this blog and who I often forget do make up a considerable percentage of my readership. So permit me this lesson as I think it will be of great help and benefit to the younger men out there.

Story 1

There was a time in the Captain's youth when he was comely enough to court two ladies at the same time. Well, actually the Captain was comely enough in his youth for this to be a regular event and not always were there two girls, but perhaps maybe even 3, or 4...I think even one time 5. In any case this ONE time (in band camp) he was courting two girls. Both started off as awesome candidates for long term courting potential. But then one of them stood up the Captain, canceling their date at the last minute. The Captain, not worried because of his diversified portfolio continued on his merry life and continued dating the other girl. However, the first candidate then asked him out again, to which the Captain agreed, only to have the date be canceled at the last minute. This continued on until one final time, they had a date and the girl (you guessed it) called the Captain and said she was too sick to go out. The Captain, undeterred by her cancellation, hopped in his Captain Capitalismobile and headed for the evening. However, whilst he was filling up his car with gas, he saw right before his eyes, the "very sick girl" who was "too ill to go out that night" drive past him in her car enroute to the city.

It was here the Captain decided that he was no longer going to bother with this one girl and instead decided to dedicate himself to the other girl who by this time had NEVER stood him up, NEVER lied to him and NEVER played any childish, middle school girl games with him. After getting gas he went to his favorite neighborhood bar where he saw "Amy" who was a friend of the "very sick" girl who was currently heading towards Minneapolis. She asked the Captain,

"So Captain, how's it going with Girl X?"

I replied, "Not too well. I've decided I will not longer court her and instead will dedicate myself to Girl Y."

Amy, visibly disturbed said, "What???!!! Girl X was ready to commit to you! She got rid of her boyfriend in California (to which was new news to the Captain) and was ready to date you!"

To which the Captain replied,

"Nope, I don't care. She stood me up too many times, she lied to me about being sick and I don't know about this California guy, but Girl Y is reliable, has never lied to me and actually treats me nice and good. I don't have time for childish games and if Girl X wanted to go out with me, then tough cookies, she just blew away her chances."

The Captain then finished his drink, paid his tab, went home and fell asleep. And I had every right to do so WITHOUT WORRY, for you see, when men dump women or just "stop dating" them, we don't have to worry about any kind of revenge or "consequence." We just STOP CALLING. It's one of the great advantages of being a man. We just stop chasing. The girl keeps running never ever thinking it was even a remote possibility the man would stop chasing her, and we just go home, pour a whiskey and light up a cigar and we never see the girl again.

Or so I thought.

The next morning I get a distraught call.

"Captain!??!?!"

Half awake I said, "Yeah?"

"It's Girl X! We have to talk!"

Now at this point in time, I didn't see what possible point there would be in talking. We never "dated" officially and went on several dates, interspersed with her canceling and standing me up 2 times for every 1 date we went on. You could have certainly NEVER claimed we were boyfriend and girlfriend, not to mention with Mr. California whom she was presumably seeing (a convenient 2,500 miles away), ergo I thought this odd that we had to "have a talk."

Now by this time, I will admit, I wasn't a rookie. By this time I was more or less a fully trained Jedi knight and basically said, "Heh, yeah, sure, I'll give you a call sometime."

Sensing my indifference and complete lack of desire to call her, "NO, I'M SERIOUS, WE HAVE TO TALK!!!"

I said, "No, we don't. I'll call you when I feel like it."

"Well you better call me!"

I said, "Yeah, sure."

And hung up.

Almost immediately after hanging up I figured that sooner or later I would have to have "the talk" with the girl, even though we were never dating. It was only putting off the inevitable, so I decided that I would call her, endure the pointless and baseless argument she would tender forth, rely on plain, simple, adult logic to explain why I would not be "dating" her any more and be done with it. Thus I called her back, said, yes, I'd be willing to talk and to have her come over.

She came over, tight lipped and I could almost sensed she was going to give me "what I deserved." We went downstairs where she then began to yell at me and lecture me about how dare I just break up with her, and she thought I was different and that I was one of the few guys who "got it" and blah blah blah. I tried to make some points or explain things to her, but I quickly observed anything I said was summarily ignored as she continued on her tirade. She was going on and on, but then said something rather unique;

"Oh, and I know about Girl Y."

Apparently, Amy had spilled the beans.

"Oh, and you know what's sad? You just like her because she treats you nice and cooks for you and everything."

And that was the most precious statement of all the argument.

"You just like her because SHE TREATS YOU NICE AND COOKS FOR YOU and everything."

Right now I can hear men saying global-wide, "well, duh!?"

No, we like the women that treat us like shit and never cook or do anything nice for us. THose are the ones we go after.

It was from here on that I knew this girl was delusional and psychotic and there was no point in entertaining the notions of an adult conversation with an adult resolution. She gave me my opportunity as she continued on with a litany of things "wrong" with me;

"You know that one time I wouldn't sleep with you!?"

Having a hard time trying to nail that night down I said, "Uh, no, what night?"

"The night you wanted to have sex and I wouldn't let you. I said I didn't think it was what was best?!"

Remembering it slightly I said, "Uh, yeah, I think so."

"Yeah, well that was just because I knew you were a player, Captain. I knew you were a player and I was going to see if you could handle a girl rejecting you!"

Sensing her kind of weird, self-made sense of self-control I said in the most straight faced and stone cold demeanor (because I was that serious),

"Well Girl X, you don't ever have to worry about that again, because I never want to sleep with you again."

Now, you must understand that this girl was a "party girl" from California. She was a car model for GM. And if memory serves me correctly, she may have even been in one of them modern day pin up calendars. Regardless, the whole point was that she was overly physically attractive. And never, in her entire approaching-30 years of life, had a guy turned her down or ever told her they would not sleep with her. Never, had a guy been immune to her single (and arguably) only quality; her looks.

The blow she delivered was weak, but not weak enough to not leave a slight black eye. Regardless, what was more shocking to me was not so much being punched in the face, but a woman who was 29 punched me at the age of 31 because I just didn't want to go out with her.

Story 2

Many years ago in the Captain's youth, he was deemed "a good guy." So "good of a guy" he was deemed by his friends, one of his friends decided to set him up with one of her girlfriends "Ms. Taiwan." Ms. Taiwan was a drop dead gorgeous girl. Her previous boyfriend who was a Minnesota Viking or maybe a MInnesota Timberwolf (I can't remember) was a "jerk" and our mutual friend wanted to set us up. She lived in a private estate in north St. Paul with her parents who were directly related to some of the head honchos in the Kuomintang Party of Taiwan. Cumulatively the parents had a net worth of over $1 billion and when the Captain went to pick up Ms Taiwan in his 1985 Cutlass Supreme (with out the muffler), they not only asked him to park the car three blocks down from their house so as not to bring shame to their family, but also got to endure a conversation about why he wasn't of Chinese/Taiwanese descent (even though he tried, MULTIPLE TIMES to explain he was a mix of Irish, German, and Jew and ALL OF THIS WAS BEYOND HIS CONTROL). One would think the anti-Irishgermanjew sentiment of the parents would be enough to drive him away, but no, their daughter did a splendid job of that by herself.

The Captain knew something was already amiss when on their SECOND DATE Ms. Taiwan answered the door in a naughty catholic school girl outfit. Certainly, the first date had gone alright, but nothing to warrant the outfit on the second date, and though just as male as any other guy, this willingness to don an outfit was making a worrying twingling sensation in the back of the Captain's head. However, the twingling sensation would soon be validated. For as they went forth on the third date and your beloved Captain went to get some gas and he went inside to pay. Upon his return to his car the girl was sitting in a pouting like fashion. Not noticing it too much, the Captain continued on his date and continued to drive.

Now if you want to look this up on Google Satellite to see how the next 20 minutes of this date went start at the intersection of Louisiana and Texas in St. Louis Park and plot directions to Hwy 280 and 35W.

By 394 and Louisiana the Captain noticed the girl was upset. Not thinking there was anything the Captain could have done to possibly upset this girl he said, "What's wrong?"

To which Ms. Taiwan responded, "If you don't know, then the hell if I'm telling you."

Again, not a fully trained Jedi knight, but enough of a guy to know I didn't do anything wrong, I had a hard time validating that statement by playing "20 questions."

By the intersection of Hwy 100 and 394 I had said, "I'm not going to play 20 questions, what is it?"

This then triggered screaming and accusations and yelling and crying from 100 and 394 to...

280 AND 35W

Nearly 14 miles of non-stop bitching and crying and sobbing and name calling and drama and other things that could all be categorized in the category of "shit" which culminated into....

A suicide threat on the bridge over 280 and 35W. She was going to jump out of the car at 65 MPH and if she survived would jump off the bridge.

I was, I think, all of 23 years old.

Oh, and by the way, guess what she was mad about?

That I didn't OFFER TO BUY HER A SODA when I went in to pay for gas!!!!

Story 3

The Captain had met a quite attractive, but above all else, a quite moxie-fied girl named say, "Julie." She was 25, she was drop dead gorgeous and not only did she want to learn how to dance she was also in training for a marathon (the Captain is an avid runner). Naturally we started dating, dancing and running, but soon problems would be found out by the fourth date. For by the fourth date, that's the date where you are more or less obliged to kiss. If you don't, then you are just friends, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just a little late in the game to not be kissing.

Twas the end of our fourth date, we had gone salsa dancing and when invited to come into the Captain's Pad she agreed. I threw in Father Goose which is one of my all-time favorite movies, she laid down on the couch, I poured her a glass of wine and we then watch the movie as we spooned. We were tired and didn't make it through much of the movie, but she was already nestling her nose in the back of my neck. Thinking this was a for sure fire thing WITHOUT EVEN KISSING HER, I asked her if she wanted to go to bed. She said, "yes."

We got to bed, her still rubbing her nose in the back of my neck and when I went in for a kiss...

She stopped

Sat up

Looked surprised

and said,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Completely confused I said, "What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm trying to kiss you!"

To which she responded (are you ready for this?)

"Well, I'm not kissing any man until we're engaged."

If the look on my face could have been photographed at that moment in time it would have been in the Smithsonian.

Obviously I stopped dating her, but within one week she went salsa dancing, had one martini, ended up having her much-anticipated first kiss (and make out session) with an illegal alien who didn't speak English, but not before she gave him her phone number and when he left messages for her broken English and wouldn't stop calling, guess who she called to ask what to do?

I was about 30 or 31 at the time.

Now I could go on. I literally could with a limitless number of stories that are just as shocking and appalling as those mentioned above. But the larger point of all these stories is an important one and one that I wish to get to younger men in America as quickly and as early on in their lives as possible, and it is this;

No, you're not insane, the women are.

Now this may seem like a funny ha ha, half jesting lesson, but it is not. And the reason it is not is because in order to learn this lesson ON YOUR OWN you would have to go through the hell I and all the other 30 something men in America have gone through. And not only that (and this is key) you have to be driven to such insane lengths and endure such insane situations that you have NO CHOICE but to make the arrogant assumption that there might not be something wrong with you, but rather something wrong with society. This is an arrogant assumption because when is it the "individual" is right and "society" is wrong? But I'm here to tell you that this is just such the case.

If you are a younger man in the US and you cannot believe or comprehend just the sheer magnitude of idiocy you have to deal with when dating, understand it is NOT you, it is society. And the reason I bring up this overall and very important point is because you do not deserve to endure the hell you have to go through from puberty on thinking somehow you are the one to blame for the insanity. There comes a point in time where you just have too much experience and empirical evidence where you have to look back and say, "OK, am I really that insane? Have I really goofed up? What on god's green earth did i do to deserve to have that girl threaten to kill herself? What did I do so that girl would not kiss me until we were engaged? What did I do to have that girl stand me up?"

You didn't do anything. It's just the way girls are.

Now I know I will catch much flak for this post, but I don't care. I'm sick of good honorable men getting stood up, lied to, cheated on or just plain mind-effed with because literal "girls" think its funny to stand men up. I'm sick of seeing boys or young men grow up under an environment that turns them into cynical full grown men who abandon marriage or courtship altogether because girls wanted to play little middle school girl games or re-enact scenes they've seen from 90210 for 2 decades. And I'm dirt tired of seeing men, not much younger than myself, go through their teens and 20's utterly confused, and worse, somehow thinking there's something wrong with them, when there's nobody older than them saying, "Hey kid, here's the reality of the situation. Here's the ropes. Sorry, we didn't make the rules, but at least you know it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you."

I also fully intend to put a stop to clueless mothers telling their younger sons, "Well YOU must be looking in the wrong places. There must be something wrong with YOU that you are attracting these types of girls." And replace it with the concept that maybe all there is to select in the population is Britney Spears and a limitless sea of sociology majors.

Regardless, as in tune with the original theme of this post, permit me my young, aspiring male (and female, because some of these rules would apply to you too) junior, deputy and aspiring economists a couple rules or tidbits of wisdom that will help make your younger years easier to deal with and perhaps save you a couple bucks and hours along the way;

1. Life is short, you're going to die, quit trying to pick up chicks at bars. Bars/nightclubs are where stupid people go because they have no conversation skills and need to rely on their looks to get them buy. Girls in particular just go there to get free drinks (I did a survey on this on my economics students and that was the number one reason girls go to bars, not for you, for your propensity to buy them drinks). Instead pick up a hobby or activity that YOU want to do. You will find similarly minded girls and without the loud bass BOOM BOOM BOOM, chances are she'll be smart enough to converse with you.

2. Learn to ballroom/swing/salsa dance. You don't have time to rely on one liners or meeting Suzie Jones in class or to have your friends get off their lazy asses and set you up. Dancing is a great and polite means by which to meet a girl. For every hour you spend learning dance you will save yourself literally 10 hours at a bar with the same amount of success. And NO, it doesn't matter if you "like" to dance, it's your job to do it.

3. At the first sign of trouble, ditch the girl. You look out for number one, YOU. You, especially if you are going to school and working, don't have time for it. If a girl acts weird, or perhaps a better way of putting it is her behavior is "hypocritical" bail. Immediately. You don't have time for games. I'm sure curiosity gets you, like "Why is she acting weird" but it has been my experience you will never find out "why" and the question will be evaded (also, the "why" tends to be another guy, so don't compete, again you don't have the time, you have you to work on).

4. Akin to three, one strike and you're out. I had a buddy Tony, who said something very wise. When he was stood up or a girl didn't call him back his mother would come up with theories as to why. "Well, maybe she got hit by a truck. Maybe the electricity went out in her neighborhood. Maybe she tripped and hit her head and forgot she had a date." But inevitably, Tony said, it all boiled down to that the girl just plain didn't want to go out with you. Think about it, if you had an interview for a job you really wanted, or you really wanted to go on a date with a girl, if you couldn't make it, you would call. If she really wanted to go out with you, she would call. She didn't so quit wasting your time. Which leads us to...

5. Ball in Court Theory - Consider calling or e-mailing or "texting" (what you young punk kids do nowadays) a basketball or a ping pong ball. If you throw or hit the ball to the opponent the ball is in their court. You can't hit it back until they hit it back to you. Don't be an idiot and call/e-mail them if you already did so once. That's it. If they don't call you back, don't call them back. You'll look like an idiot just like you would swinging at a ping pong ball that isn't there.

6. Date Math Girls - Math girls not only tend to be more employable, but I've never had a engineering major/engineer stand me up. Not once. Women that are in the sciences are always on time and are least likely to lie about their availability (a major reason why the majority of girls I dated in college were Asian, they were all in engineering, computer science, physics, etc.). Business majors, HA! Those are your future power hungry HR directors. Give me a geek girl any day.

7. Ask your self "What is my opportunity cost?" - I look back at it and my best times in college and my twenties were NOT with girls. They were with my friends (be they guys or girls). Rock climbing, video games, drinking, you name it. They are always there, they are always willing to hang out and you are GUARANTEED to have a good time. Consider your expected rate of return on a Friday night; Go clubbing where you have a 2% chance of getting a girl's number and a 10% chance of it being a right one and a 10% chance of her actually going out with you (.0002 chance of you going on the date) or play some video games while drinking beer with your friends 100% chance.

8. Do not chase, they will chase you. If there is an important rule, this is it. Life is too short chasing after people. You have to do your own thing that you enjoy and live life and meet the people along the way. The frat boy at the bar with his cap on backwards with the Ambercrombie and Fitch. Yeah, not getting as much play as the guy playing ultimate frisbee with his friends who heads up a tornado chasing expedition and knows how to dance. And the reason why is the A&B boy is a conformist. Girls can get those a dime a dozen. If you're out doing your own thing, girls will be attracted to that. Better yet, girls that like the stuff you do will be attracted to that so you don't have to endure listening to her speculate on "American Idol" or "Obama's pecks" but rather she will be like, "Hell yes, let's go to Glacier National and get freaking on a glacier!" Oh, she's not going to show up on your doorstep that instant, but it won't matter. YOu'll be happy doing what you want to do. And for god's sake, playing an acoustic guitar is NOT a hobby.

9. Religious girls. If you're religious. Good for you. If you're not, stay away from them. And I'm not talking the girls that say, "Well I'm Catholic" but haven't been to church in 3 years, I mean girls that go to Christian colleges and won't court any non-Christian guys. God comes first, dad comes second, and somewhere around 573rd place next to "clean toe fungus" is "find and date cool guy." Ranked 1,435,984th is "kiss cool guy." Save yourself the time, it isn't worth it.

10. Go to school until you're 27. There is no point in looking for a partner to set up a family until you're AT LEAST 27, so you might as well get your masters or doctorate. Girls (as well as boys) will not mature until that time. You want to get married before that, enjoy divorce. I would make it 35, but by that time everybody has a kid so start looking, there is the occasional girl that has her act together before that time, but like I said, you have more important things to do like college, besides which, she'll make herself known.

11. Do not tolerate any drama or soap opera stuff. It's weird, but I almost sense a lot of girls, especially when they're younger get more of a kick off of drama than anything approaching a normally functioning relationship. They lay what are called "land mines" which are nothing but traps to give them an excuse to get mad at you (see you didn't buy me a soda). You think they're not common, oh but they are.

12. Sex is not negotiable. I can understand if you are religious and wish to adhere to your principles and I do genuinely salute you. For the remainder of us men, sex is not negotiable. The girl either has sex or not. And if she doesn't that's fine, nothing wrong with it, but don't think you're going to somehow "convince" her. All you're going to do is waste your time. If you want sex, find a girl that is willing to have sex. And if you can't find one, guess what? You have more important stuff to do any way (see hobbies and college).

13. Never tolerate being stood up. And there really isn't anything you can do about this one in the sense that if you're stood up, you have no choice but to be stood up. But you can protect against it. Always have plans with the guys. Always have something else to do. There was a rule I came up with called the 505025 rule, the founding of which was based on the empirical experience I had where 50% of the time the girl would say yes to a date, but only 50% of the time she would actually show up for the date, resulting in a 25% real chance of a date. In actuality it was more like 70/10/7, but the point is even if the girl says yes, chances are you're not going out, especially in your late teens and early 20's. ASSUME you're not, make other plans and if the girl actually pulls through, consider it a bonus.

14. Buy the damn book! You youth cannot afford to be jerking around with worthless degrees. Focus your efforts and resources WISELY and early on, on productive pursuits.

Now there is infinitely more precise bullet points i could give you, but the overall point is to have not only self-respect, but to draw the lines and standards by which who you are or are not going to date. Self-respect because young men waste so much time trying to date girls who frankly are not worth it (and this time could be spent bettering oneself) and also to establish rules and lines so as not to be taken advantage of. The key thing is to not worry if you are having troubles or are immeasurably frustrated by the insanity going on. All guys are. But if you focus on yourself and enjoy YOUR life you can not only endure the 20's and early 30's, but improve yourself immeasurably, and maybe even find that nice girl who has a job and (as Girl X liked to disdain) "has the audacity to treat you nice."

Sacrilege!