A short one and then I must go.
This one is for the ladies out there who I occasionally like to dispense courting/dating advice to. However, unlike advice you find in Cosmo or Oprah, my advice actually works.
When it comes to your man making a decision (of things that are NOT vital in nature or vital to your relationship) you have five options in how you're going to respond or react to his decision;
Support
Indifference
Nag
Complain
or
Tantrum
Of these five options, only two are acceptable, support and indifference.
Support is preferable in that your man has already made up his mind and is going to take action regardless of whether you agree with him or not. And I want you to understand that statement
- he has already made up his mind and is going to take action regardless
This is what real men do. And if you want a real man, and not some compliant beta type who always asks, "well what do you want dear????," then you have to understand that you are not going to always agree with him 100%, and therefore whether you agree with him or not, he's going to do it. Therefore, you may as well support him.
The man (or at least real men) will be thankful for your support and love you that much more knowing you condone his actions and will therefore brag to his friends, "My god, I have the most supportive wife/girlfriend. She BOUGHT ME ammo for our hunting trip!"
Indifference is also acceptable. This is where your man says, "I'm going to play poker with the guys and smoke cigars." And you, completely indifferent, if not thankful you'll get him out of the house for a couple hours dismiss him nonchalantly saying, "Yeah, yeah, go, have fun."
Then we get into the unacceptable responses.
Nagging - NOT ACCEPTABLE. Again, going back to the premise he is going to carry out his mission regardless, all nagging achieves is raising his blood pressure. It's not even that you are contesting or questioning his decision, as much as you are interrogating him about all the nuances and details that are irrelevant. Not to mention, the more you nag him about it, the more he is delayed from finishing his mission. This only agitates men and does not help you on account he will now entertain thoughts of greener, non-nagging pastures.
Complaining - Again, complaining is acceptable when you are talking about decisions of importance. For example do you want children? Where should you live? But for decisions of not-importance complaining not only has the annoying benefits of nagging, but you now have guilt added to it. The man now has to worry and wonder (while he's carrying out his mission because he was going to carrying it out regardless) as to whether "going fishing with the guys" is angering you and now damaging the relationship. And while he's working the extra hours at work to make ends meet, he now gets the unnecessary and unneeded stress of having to worry about his home/social life. Congratulations! You've now made him plan his next vacation to Greener Pastures!
Tantrum - Your beloved Captain hasn't ran into this one in about 4 or 5 years on account it really is more of a 20 something phenomenon, but he has ran into the occasional 30 something woman that still resorts to this unacceptable response. Tantrum is where you morph into a child and go psychotic. This happens. You Captain remembers starkly having an ex girlfriend throw a tantrum on I-35 in downtown Minneapolis so violent, he had to threaten her that he'd dump her out on the side of the rush hour interstate. Another ex threw one while in the Lowry tunnel on I-94 (what is it with women throwing tantrums on the interstate???). Why were they throwing tantrums? The first one because I had to cancel a date that night so I could work to put food on the table. The second one because I failed to purchase her a soda when we filled up for gas.
Obviously tantrum is not only not acceptable, but understand ladies, it is so vile that you have not upshot at all. The man now will be re-enforced to carry out his mission simply to annoy you. Also, in displaying this drama queen behavior, any real man will dump your psychotic ass and have purchased a condo in Greener Pastures.
Thankfully I've aged to the point this is no longer a semi-annual event, but I mention it for the benefit of the younger 20 somethings out there who through poor parental upbringing, reading too many Cosmo magazines or watching too many movies have been led to believe this is somehow acceptable behavior.
Now go and enjoy a much improved courting life!
(what is it with women throwing tantrums on the interstate???)
ReplyDeleteThey know you don't have the option of stopping the car and booting their ass to the curb. You are constrained by the situation to sit there and listen to them rant.
A corollary to the Captain's rules on dating: a lot of not being a beta is knowing when and how to call her bluff.
Correct!
ReplyDeleteBut let me add that even when it's a shared life decision such as where to live, it's important to acknowledge relative experience in the decision making process and a man's long-considered desires for hearth and home.
Many decisions in life are puzzles we like to solve. It's a methodical thinking process involving more knowledge and experience about decision criteria than emotions or wishes.
Finally, and this is most important - men have dreams. Control over our emotions doesn't mean we don't have them. We set a course for self-actualization and, as Cappy said, we will be undeterred from this. If deterred, men will either surrender their Y chromosome, become resentful, or become angry. And neither of you want to be in that position!
Rule #1: Never force a man to regret his decisions.
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.
- WB Yeats
This is good advice, girls. Don't be stupid - listen to the Captain. If his habits, hobbies, preferences, etc. are really that objectionable to you, perhaps it's time to look elsewhere. As for the nagging? It NEVER EVER WORKS! (I'm ashamed to say I know this from personal experience. I have however given this up. I don't nag anymore and haven't for quite a few years.)
ReplyDeleteBravo, Cappy! I would like to add, "defiance". Whenever my ex's got defiant over one of my decisions it simply hastened the execution of my intent. In fact, many times it spurred me to expand on the decision just to fuel their defiance and elevate my Alpha status.
ReplyDeleteThey know you don't have the option of stopping the car and booting their ass to the curb. You are constrained by the situation to sit there and listen to them rant.
ReplyDeleteOh. Hrm. That might be what I'm doing wrong, then, 'cause I see nothing at all wrong with leaving her on the curb to stew a bit.
As for the nagging? It NEVER EVER WORKS!
It really doesn't. All it does is make us tune the nagger out, so that when she says something of moderate import and use we'll miss it. There's actually science to back this up, but I'm too lazy to fetch links right now.
As a twentysomething male, I'd like to point out that this behavior is, in fact, no more endearing to us than it is to the elder generations. I suspect if more females would listen to that advice, they'd have less call to complain about not being able to find a good man.
Cap'n:
ReplyDeleteyou left out one very important one. Ridicule.
My ex used ridicule as a method of altering my behavior to her liking.
Funny thing, she's my ex now. And, she was quite surprised when it happened.
My boy, you sound rather like Syed Soharwardy in his latest rant in the Calgary Herald. Very busily refuting comments saying the Koran supports beating wives, he explained all the relevant verses as describing how a wife should be duly grateful that her husband provided all the necessities of life; and then he said she could only be beaten by a toothbrush.
ReplyDeleteReality is, we women have more options than to be submissively grateful for the crumbs which are tossed our way. A real man wants a real woman, one who is assertive and not just a submissive doormat. True, the relationship will not be as peaceful as desired, but it is a real relationship of equals.
Going through this same sutiation right now.
ReplyDeletePlanning a trip to AZ/NV. Someone asked me, in front of my GF: "Did you ask GirlFriendName about this trip?"
I casually replied: "I'm not gonna ask her, I'm gonna tell her."
GirlFriendName piped in: "Is that so?" My answer: "It is."
She laughed a little but clearly she was miffed.
I just booked my flight.
To succinctly summarize it Frances;
ReplyDeleteWomen, no matter how much they may VERBALLY complain about a man being strongheaded and strongwilled, will take that man ANYDAY over a man who is kind and sweet, but weak.
In short, Strength > Kindness.
And I don't care how many women complain or tell me otherwise, I refuse to ignore 20 years of empirical evidence.