The Captain Protects the Royal Saudi Family Story - Part I

The more I thought about this post, the more I realized it is a very all-encompassing post, so I will try to be brief and make my observations very bullet pointy, however, it will ultimately be broken into a three part series.

I have a friend.

He owns a security company. It does everything from boring old desk security to prisoner transport.

Regardless of the gig, the reason his security firm is unique is because you typically need to be armed and you can't be of the usual loser "security guard/mall cop" variety. You need to have your head out of your ass and know just because you carry a gun does NOT make you a cop. Given my background working in the past for security (over 18 years ago!) he would occasionally call me with gigs knowing I wasn't some hot headed kid that just wanted to carry a gun when he had a gig or two open up.

So I get a call from him one night and he says, "What do you have going on this weekend?"

"Not much, why?"

"I need armed security for one of the Saudi royal princes down in Rochester when he visits the Mayo Clinic."

Kind of thrown back, I said, "What!???? Saudi Prince??? Shouldn't the Secret Service or CIA or some federal authority be involved?"

"No, unless their intelligence believes there's a real threat, they apparently outsource to private contractors."

Again, my curiosity, not to mention common sense knowledge got to me and I asked;

"Yeah, but, don't they have their own guys? Why you? Why us? I mean, no offense, but you're just some small time security operator."

And then I get the real skinny.

"Well, you see, there are 36 princes in the Saudi royal family, and this one is more or less on the bottom of the totem pole. He has no political significance and is more or less the loser of the Saudi royal family. But he has money and he's willing to pay."

Now given the WONDERFUL economy at the time brought about by our beloved leader (not to mention I do actually enjoy the occasional work with a little risk) I agreed to pick up whatever shifts were available. He tells me to bring "everything I got" in terms of armament, ammo and armor.

"Why?!??! I thought there was no threat!"

"You never know."

So somewhat concerned I pack up my 1990 Chevy Caprice Classic with an AR 15, a scoped rifle, a 9MM pistol and a 357 revolver with enough ammo to last the decade.

I arrive at the Kahler MOTEL (not the HOTEL, there IS A DIFFERENCE), meet with his contact and we are directed to a wing of the MOTEL that is dedicated to the security operations to protect the lowest-totem-pole member of the Saudi royal family.

Of course, he's not there yet. He has yet to fly in. Which means we get to transport his royal highness from the Rochester Regional Airport to the Mayo Clinic.

Now understand that I (in my foolish, American upbringing) thought "OK, one guy. Mayo Clinic. We might send a limo and there will be an SUV trailing the limo while the limo itself is packed with armed guards.

Oh no.

These guys travel in style.

Even the lowest-on-the-totem-pole-losers.

Apparently this prince (who ranks 36th on the 36 Saudi princes) needs an entourage of (are you ready????)

NO LESS THAN 120 FREAKING PEOPLE

His WIVES (plural) his children, his support staff, his "armed guards" his consultants, his cousins, his neighbors, his relatives, his associates.

120 freaking people to transport ONE MAN TO THE MAYO CLINIC.

Let me explain this again,

One man needs the medical attention.

But he needs to haul 119 people with him.

I'm sure a convoy 3 miles long won't bring attention.

The transport was a nightmare and on a scale you couldn't imagine.

First, of the 120 people in his entourage, at least 50 needed their own personal vehicles. I was not made aware of this until we arrived at the airport and saw 50 separate limos. I asked "WHY THE FREAKING LIMOS???? Don't they just need ONE!!?"

No, all of the family members (which numbers many when you have 6 wives) need their own limo.

The remaining 70 people were support staff and were to be herded into buses.

So when me and the security team show up at the Rochester Regional Airport at 3AM it's a MILE LONG CARAVAN to pick up his royal highness and support staff (again, what terrorist genius could possible identify this as a possible target!?)

ONE GUY

119 SUPPORT PEOPLE.

COLUMN, MILE LONG WITH LIGHTS ON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING NIGHT!

Now, you have to understand this is not the peak of hubris or arrogance at this time.

No, it gets much worse.

For I started to notice that they actually did have 50 limos pulling up. And these limos were not your average limos. They were top of the line Mercedes limos. 2010 models. NOTHING OLDER. WHY?

because his royal highness had ORDERED ALL LIMOS IN THE THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES OF MERCEDES MAKE AND NO LATER MODELS THAN 2010 BE SENT THERE TO PICK HIM AND HIS ENTOURAGE UP. None of which were in Minnesota. To amass this hoity toity caravan, they had to pull across from the entire US.

These poor limo drivers (most of which were Somali or Ethiopian drivers) had HAULED ASS ACROSS ALL POINTS IN THE COUNTRY TO GET THERE ON TIME TO PICK THIS ASSHOLE UP. Plates were from New York, New Jersey, Florida, California, Nevada and only the states at the time that had vehicles such as this to even provide to his royal eminence. These poor guys drove over 2,000 miles to get to "Rochester Minnesota" to pick up this schmoe.

The insanity did not stop there.

Apparently there was a problem with our security detail. There were too many men.

HOW, OH HOW, were they to transport all the women without our evil American lusting male eyes on their homely dressed and homely-looking women? We could NOT have any males riding in the same cars with the females according to the "holy and wise word of Islam."

Of course Mohammed in his infinite wisdom back in 650 AD didn't fathom the possibility of Minnesota women who are so brainwashed to be so commie liberal leftist that they hate guns. So at the time we had no more than MAYBE 5 women with carry conceal permits to handle over 60 Saudi females.

Let the "musical chairs game begin!"

Their advisor started telling us to move some men from one car to the other. No, a man cannot be in that limo because princess #483 would be in that car. Wait?? We don't have enough women? Take your uglier men and move them to those cars with the aging Saudi females. Perhaps they won't abuse the women like we were told they would because of their America biological directives. Do you have any effeminate men that would be disinclined to approach our females? Put them in the car, but in order rank from least effeminate, with the least related females of our quite-extended Saudi royal family.

Damn Cray super computer couldn't figure it out.

45 minutes of moving around based on archaic, obsolete, head up its ass, Islamic doctrine, that just didn't jive with security realities, I was starting to think I might just shoot the damn Saudi prince myself. Apparently we played musical chairs enough that our advisor was satisfied we would not violate the laws of Allah (even though security was completely compromised).

Sure enough, the "prince" lands and chaos ensues.

His "security general" turns out to be his cousin who was a worthless idiot that only got the position because he marginally spoke English. He can't tell us anything.

The caravan of limos and buses circle the "Saudi Air" plane that just landed.

We can't make heads and tails of who is who because the Saudi youth disembarking the plane are all wearing crappy American clothes to emulate the Amber Crombie and Fitchites in this country.

And all the time we (namely 80% of the American security force) are NOT TO LOOK AT THE SAUDI WOMEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT INSULT PEOPLE!

The poor sleep depraved limo drivers tried their best and after about an hour of chaos, we finally got everybody loaded into their cars and headed to the Kahler Hotel.

You would think this would be the worst of it, but it doesn't get any better. Matter of fact, it only gets worse.

But the reason I'm writing this story is not to complain about my experience, but rather because in the end there is going to be a vital AND VERY IMPORTANT economics lesson that even I was surprised to learn.

And beyond that there is a fringe benefit lesson that our regular Saudi national friends (who must suffer under these people) could benefit from.

AND EVEN BEYOND THAT there are some VITAL security lessons the CIA, FBI, and Saudi protective forces MAY BE SLIGHTLY INTERESTED IN, because frankly, the whole damn Mayo Clinic is a soft and super cake easy target for any slightly competent terrorists to take out royalty from ANY middle east country.

Naturally, therefore, we can all benefit my experience, and you will all tune in for part II of the Captain's wonderful exploits with protecting the Saudi Royal family!