Whilst peering over the shoulder of my male friend, perusing the Match or the POF, he'll occasionally point out how common it is for women to list in their description,
"My child comes first"
and then laugh as he moves onto the next, hopefully, childless profile.
But this brings up an important issue about hierarchy and the importance of different people in people's lives.
First, gentlemen, before you wed, you will (not "need" or "should") you WILL make it very clear you will be the number one thing in her life and she will be the number one thing in yours. The kids will come second because without two parents, they will suffer. This doesn't mean you put your kids beneath you, as it is akin to having a pilot and a co-pilot on the plane. Those are the two most important people. The fliers, very important, but they would all die if in an emergency the emphasis was put on them. If you fail to convey this concept then you WILL be relegated below the children and relegated further to the position of ATM. You are not an ATM, you are the father of the household. Don't just act like it, insist on it.
Second, if you fail to do that, you will perpetually be knocked down the hierarchy as various "important" things enter your wife's life. This will result in the following hierarchy and placement as time goes on.
2nd place behind the wife
3rd place behind the wife and any kids
4th place behind the wife, any kids, and if she's religious, Jesus (or God or Allah, etc.)
5th place behind the wife, any kids, any god, and her career
6th place behind the wife, any kids, any god, her career, her affair
7th place behind the wife, any kids, any god, her career, her affair, her family
I could go on, but if there are enough "false gods" you could in theory be bumped down to 117th place.
Regardless, it is important to assess these things about a woman before considering marriage. Say, for example, she's already divorced with kids, has a career and is a really religious girl.
Well lil' buckaroo, you're default placed at 5th.
She's got no kids, but constantly listens to her mother's advice over yours, and is insistent on getting her "Masters in Feelings," you're default ranked 4th.
Again, at any time you men can put your foot down and say, "No, I am the head of the house hold, and I will be in first place." It really is that simple.
Absolutely right!
ReplyDeleteI went out with a girl whose parents were her god and you're so right.
Funny thing is that you'll never hear the above from an Oprah-like person because we live in a "children come first" world.
Do you know where you can always find a woman whose child really does comes first ?
ReplyDeleteLiving with the father of that child.
I see a lot of those profiles too. And being lower on the list of a woman's priorities is the wrong place to be.
ReplyDeleteMy soon to be ex-wife placed me far down on her priorities. If I were lucky, she'd see me as an extra child. On bad days, an afterthought or inconvenience. It sucks. There is pretty much no coming back from that.
What's even sillier are those women who don't have children, don't want them, but explicitly state "You will ALWAYS be less important than my dogs." I hope their dogs are there for them in old age.
Eric, do they really say that about their dogs? I'm sometimes think they're trying to use sarcasm to come off as cute. FAIL.
ReplyDeleteAt least, if her kids always come first, they don't have to be your baggage. Right?
Right?
You know, one of the worst fights I ever got into with my wife was over this same subject- I'm more or less in agreement with your opinion, Cap. My wife would. Not. Budge. Things like bringing our kid into the bed regularly until it became a ritual, (as opposed to say, him waking up freaked out from a nightmare, which I'm OK with), stuff like that. Unilateral decisions, you know?
ReplyDeleteWell, the solution I found was to do the same thing back for a while, let her know she's #2 for me, too. That lasted a very short while until we worked things out. Although I'm sure YMMV person to person, I've found that a separate-but-equal approach works well.
As someone who used to put her husband on the hierarchy below #1, I can assure you that everyone (and I mean everyone!) in the family is happier when Mom puts Dad to #1 no matter what. It makes things much clearer for everyone and it gives everyone a lot more confidence.
ReplyDeleteLearning this was a huge improvement to our family.
You forgot to mention the pets that a wife would rank above her husband.
ReplyDeleteany woman who has ever been or is a single mother is damaged goods and should not be dealt with under any circumstances.
ReplyDelete@ Podsnap: The sound of your Bitchslap of Truth echoed throughout the time-space continuum. Well said, sir!
ReplyDeleteYou give women an inch...they'll take it a mile.
ReplyDeleteI fully agree that husband should be #1 in the household to the wife. And the husband should put God #1.
It keeps her off the pedestal and it correlates to her desire being for her husband.
I disagree. Once a woman's preference has been established, there's no changing it. "Putting your foot down" with a 21st century Westernized woman will get you some really pretty divorce papers at best. After reading Enjoy the Decline and Top Shelf, I'm a little confused at some of the conflicting advice about chicks. Good stuff though.
ReplyDeleteHell, I was behind the plants in priority. She'd go out to water them before she'd even come in to say hello to me. Much less start dinner.
ReplyDeleteOver the years I've been behind:
her parents
the kids
her siblings & grandparents
the kids' spouses
the grandkids
the plants.
Good thing we didn't have pets.
I bailed and have been gloriously satisfied with my decision.
Cranberry, I usually take them as face value, especially when the rest of the profile comes off as demanding. Normally the girls who sound "sweet", even if they say they have dogs, won't state you'll be less important.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I tend to stay away if she has larger dogs, especially 2 of them. I once went on a couple of dates with a girl who lived in a tiny apartment with two huge dogs and her ex-fiance. I wasn't eager to get back. It was way too awkward.
If a woman has children, she WILL put them first; that's how women are wired. (There are exceptions, but most of them have a screw loose.) If that's not acceptable to you, stay away from women with children. And when you do find a woman, don't have kids with her, because she'll put them first.
ReplyDeleteAs for religion: if you're religious, you'll want her to put God first. If you aren't, you're not going to get along with a woman who is anyway.
Yeah. That "putting your foot down" thing doesn't work anymore.
ReplyDeleteTry that shit on for more than a few minutes and all cupcake has to do is call the cops and make a DV accusation.
Then, you're toast my good man.
Don't believe me?
http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
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