You have a choice when it comes to consultants.
Suits bilking you at $500 per hour to tell you pretty lies about how YOU aren't the problem, but rather umm...."synergies" or um... you need to "leverage your core competencies"...and umm...."you are beautiful just the way you are and if any man can't see that well then to hell with him!"
OR
An asshole who will tell you the truth and say
"You're an incompetent boss and can't manage for shit."
"You fucking idiot, you don't even have a corporate strategy! How the fuck are your employees supposed to know what to do during downtime."
"You're fat. Lose the freaking weight."
and only charge you $40.
The choice is clear - Asshole Consulting.
Everybody has problems. But only assholes will tell you to your face that you're the problem. May sting, may suck, but in the end it's:
INFINITELY cheaper and
INFINITELY more effective
because it's based in reality.
Just look at how successful all those 50 something women are who did what Oprah told them! Aren't they the happiest, never-divorced lot you've ever seen? Oh, wait, that's right, they believed in lies because it didn't hurt their precious feeeeeeeeelingggsssss.
Fuck your feelings. You need reality. You need the truth. And you need it cheap.
You need Asshole Consulting.
See I always thought that was the only kind of consulting, and certainly the only one you need. I would be perfect at it. Maybe TOO perfect.
ReplyDeleteJudas Goat Path, LLC
ReplyDelete1/2 There Avenue
Northeast of South California
91100-00911
I would like a free sample sample to test your service.
Please give advice on the following open ended question.
WHY ME, UNIVERSE?
Thank you.
Hey, does AC need some more talent? 'Cause if there's anyone who can lay down some common sense and tell it like it is, it's a truck driver.
ReplyDeleteI'd be willing to moonlight and work on commission. ;)
> Please give advice on the
ReplyDelete> following open ended question.
>
> WHY ME, UNIVERSE?
Because you deserve more pain, Mr. Judas Goat Path, LLC. A lot more main.
And UNIVERSE also knows that you secretly like it.
I want to leverage core competences by swinging a lead-filled baseball bat at them.
ReplyDeleteAm I wrong for thinking outside the box -- the batter's box?
Oh, do we have a customer already?
"WHY ME, UNIVERSE?"
Because we haven't been by to leverage your core competences.
Sack up or get whacked.