Bachelor Object Migration

Allow me to explain to you girls the concept of Bachelor Object Migration or BOM.

You see, BOM, is based on the principle that any new object entering a bachelor's life musn't be rushed or accelerated into that bachelor's life. That it has to be acclimated, going through various stages, before it find it's rightful place in the bachelor pad. This can range from any object be it a car or something as simple as food, but again, key is to take your time and make sure that object is neither rushed, nor hurried into the bachelor life.

The first stage of BOM is the contemplation stage. In this stage life tells the bachelor, subtly, that he needs something. For example boxer shorts. Life, over the course of time, wears down the bachelor's boxer shorts to the point they have holes, are thread bare and are about to lose all function. And as the bachelor does laundry or goes to the bathroom he notices this in his boxer shorts and comes up with a great epiphany;

"I think I might have to get some new boxer shorts this year."

Now understand that was just the contemplation stage. The bachelor is sensing a need and is contemplating filling it. But it will not manifest itself into action until the Need Stage.

The need stage is where the bachelor obviously needs this object. His boxer shorts are in disrepair, he has NO food in the fridge, or is in desperate need of some kind of surgery. But the key defining trait of this stage is where the bachelor realizes he "needs" it, typically notated when the bachelor says to himself;

"Wow, I need to get some new boxer shorts."

Then comes the procrastination stage.

Yes, he "needs" it, but would he really be a bachelor if he immediate ran out and got it? That's what girls do. That's what married folk do. They have a need and then they call their spouse and tell them to "pick it up on the way home." Whereas the bachelor has the skills of procrastination. Bachelors are gifted creatures, able to find quick fixes to needs. The bachelor may cut his long pajamas, made of the same boxer material and convert them into boxers. The bachelor may just suffer with the now shredded boxers perhaps hemming them with a bit duct tape. The bachelor, though in desperate need of food will simply go to the bar or substitute it with a substitute food such as beer or whiskey. It is these skills that a bachelor makes.

Sadly, however, even the most gifted bachelors have to inevitably break down and go and buy the objects the need for survival. This is a low point in the bachelor's life in that they now have to "do" something that is outside of work, video games, drinking, scoring with chicks and play. They have to do a "chore" and you can tell when they are at this stage as they are usually depressed. Head hung low and not smiling. Regardless, they man up, grab a pen, and put together a "To Do List." This is the "To Do List" Stage of BOM.

Understand the to do list will not just be that one item. Here the bachelor embarks one what is the closest he will come to life planning. And aside from "get new boxer shorts" he will list other things so as not to make his life sound so dull;

1. Get new boxer shorts
2. Buy Ferrari
3. Take over Goldman Sachs by borrowing TARP money
4. Date Jennifer Aniston
5. Fly F-16 Fighter plane
6. Retire in the Bahama's with a harem of honeys managed by Jennifer Aniston
7. Have weekly bikini wrestling to decide who gets to date me that week

With the completed to do list in hand we now move onto the "purchase stage."

The purchase stage is where the bachelor is willing and able to buy the object. He has psychologically prepared himself and admitted that it is just a fact of life he needs new boxer shorts, and is the only thing holding him back from achieving his other objectives on his to do list. However, the purchase stage is regulated by one thing; "the right turn."

The bachelor is an efficient creature you must understand. Expending minimal amounts of effort for maximum gain. Ergo when purchasing items, the bachelor will only purchase the items if the store is on the right side of the road thereby requiring a right turn and thereby avoiding a left turn. If you need gas, yes, the "closest" gas station may be a mile away, but if it's on the left side of the road, this requires a left turn. A turn that can last 14 days. Many bachelors as we speak are still stuck behind some SUV driving soccer mom, who hasn't realized the green arrow means go. Ergo, even if the closest gas station is a mile away, because it is on the left side of the road, the bachelor will drive the next 50 miles on fumes to the closest gas station on the RIGHT side of the road. The same applies to boxer shorts or any other purchase that is necessary. The bachelor will not engage in the purchase stage unless the store is on the right side of the road (British bachelors engage in the opposite practice).

The bachelor enters the store, returns with the purchase in hand, throws it into the car which starts our next stage; the "Leave It in the Car Stage."

Satisfied he has done the majority of the work, the bachelor now has no guilt or psychological pressure to continue completing the chore. As far as the bachelor is concerned, he has completed his task and can now go about his bachelor activities. Notice the "To Do List" said, "Get boxer shorts." Not "wear new boxer shorts." Triumphantly he returns to his home, smug look on his face, goes into the house, opens a beer and promptly plays Call of Duty 5.

The leave it in the car stage can last anywhere from a week to a year depending on the object. If the object was say, ice cream, and it is December in Minnesota, that ice cream can stay in the trunk of the car, and thus the "leave it in the car stage," for at least 3 months. Sometimes the psychological trauma of having to run an errand and buy something is so devastating, the bachelor purges the experience completely from his mind, forgetting he purchased an object and it is in the car. Not until the bachelor has a date and is forced to clean out the car does he discover object, at which time he heralds great efficiency because it "saved" him the trip to the store he through he still had to take.

Regardless, the boxers, now nothing but strings inevitably prompt the bachelor to bring the object from the car into the house. This is a relatively short lived stage known as the "move it into the house" stage. However, the house is nothing more than a really big, immobile car. And like the car the object can stay in the house without ever really being used. Typically it begins this stage by starting on the desk or the floor, a large flat area the bachelor usually tosses stuff for general assortment later, only to be disturbed by the biennial bachelor pad cleaning. This is an important part of the process as the new object or objects, must become acclimated to all the other objects in the bachelor pad. From there it advances to the floor that it's supposed to be on. For example my dresser, and thus the boxers, are on the 2nd floor, requiring a simple toss of the boxers up the flight of stairs where they land near the vicinity of the dresser. As long as they're in the vicinity of where they're supposed to be, in the bachelor's mind that's "put away." Typically females, be they moms, sisters, friends or femme fatales, will protest it is "not put away" "lying there on the floor." This requires the bachelor to explain to them the concept of "put away good enough," which usually results in rolling eyes.

With order now in the bachelor household, now begins the unpacking/assembling stage. Some objects such as boxers you unpack. Others, such as entertainment systems you assemble. Again, here you do not want to rush them, unless they are related to the entertainment system or consist of electronics. But for the most part there is no need to unpack them right away. I mean, come on, you WENT to the store, you PURCHASED them, you brought them back HOME, you brought them INTO THE HOUSE, you PUT THEM AWAY GOOD ENOUGH, and now you have to rush and unpack? Be a bachelor, leave them in their original wrapping.

And finally comes the use stage. After a long and difficult struggle to acquire, transport and put away good enough the objects, now comes the time to actually use them. In total the whole BOM process can take anywhere from 1 week to 1 year, but now the bachelor finally gets to enjoy using the objects. Of course, criticism is laid upon us, primarily by those of the female persuasion, that this is nothing more than procrastination. However, they do not realize the merits of BOM. First, the order and balance of the bachelor pad was not disturbed by rushing in new objects. Who knows what chaos would have ensued if those boxer shorts were haphazardly purchased the day of need and worn the very next? The house could have collapsed or caught on fire. The orderly, deliberate process of BOM prevent that from occurring. Second, the bachelor expended the minimum amount of effort to bring objects into the house. Following the right turn principle and efficient space management through the use of his car, the bachelor has freed up additional time to be spent on video games and football...I mean his "girlfriend." Third, the bachelor maintains order in his household as the BOM process ensures all objects are put away good enough where they belong. And finally, the bachelor ensures a frugal lifestyle, purchasing only what he needs and not racking up credit card bills that he'll inevitably ask daddy to pay for. It are these benefits that make BOM an essential part of bachelorhood management and a vital tool for bachelors everywhere.