1 Pissed Economist

Short on time. Not that this is yet another excuse as to why I haven’t made a post in a while. No, this is to set the context for my tirade.

For it is one thing if it is slow season and I am literally trying to kill time.

It’s another if its busy season, I got a 40 hour/week day time gig, on top of consulting and seminars and time becomes very valuable.

Thus whereas 5 months ago if some girl had 505025’d me, it just further convinced me the selection of women today is utter crap. But now, not only do they confirm my belief the selection of women is utter crap, but there was an opportunity cost and I’m mightily pissed because that time could have been spent on something else. Say, like sleep. Or catching up on my now 5 unread issues of The Economist. Or quarterly taxes or raking the yard or running or anything aside from cleaning out the car and ironing a shirt for a girl that is a flake.

Thus, you women have asked for it.

You see, we men (and I mean real men, not the ones who’s dad set them up with a job, or some loser of a guy, I’m talking the guys with jobs and class and humor, and yes, good looks too) more or less subscribed to the theory you would get out of that 14 year old girl mentality by now. We thought you’d throw away the Cosmo mags, get a freaking job, and maybe be intellectually honest to the point you’d realize Sex in the City was a TV SHOW and not reality, and that you’d grow the F up.

But no. 30 years old and I’m running into women in their 30’s that still think the middle school tactics of playing hard to get works like it did in college.

Now, I was telling myself, “no, Cappy Cap, this is just a statistical anomaly. Just something in your selection process that is resulting in these flakey chicks.”

And then it occurred to me that this sounded eerily reminiscent of my high school days where I thought I was the one with the problem. Then when I taught college economics and realized what a bunch of bimbos and ditzes the typical twenty something broad is it all became very clear. The rare instance where the individual is not the one with the problem, but society is the one with the problem. And I felt a little confirmed when sitting at the barber shop I picked up a issue of Cosmo-esque magazine and found an article outlining how a girl should play hard to get. I then went online and hit a couple discussion board and found that this theory is widely believed by women. And if that wasn’t enough, mercy I have not the time to tirade about “The Rules” a book written by a now-divorced woman.

So, as a service to society, as a service to you girls to help you grow up and become women, how about you set the effing Cosmo-mag down and listen to a guy who has his act together. And if you want to be told what you want to hear, don’t read beyond this. You want to read and find out what might actually WORK, well then sit down, grab a pen, and take some notes, you will be insulted, but that means its’ reality talking, not this tripe you tell yourself watching those god damned soaps.

#1 The Rule of Kilgs

Kilgs is a great philosopher in St. Paul when he’s drunk, and thus came up with a hierarchy by which you can gauge where you stand base on how many times you’ve played your stupid 6th grade games.

When a guy asks you out you originally start out at the “Wine and Dine and Dancing” stage.

This is the highest stage.

Do not goof it up. For here the guy is willing to take you to a classy joint, drop a fair amount of money on you and still has the obligatory, polite respect for you. He will be willing to impress you and take you out dancing or something unique; more than just a movie.

If you bail at the last minute or say you’re hair isn’t dry yet or get the butterflies in your stomach, you are then downgraded to the “Dinner Girl” stage.

We’ll forgive you once. Things come up, we understand, but our natural sense of self-respect kicks in and you don’t get any more chances. You can still make it up to us, and we’ll take you to a decent place for dinner, but not the fancy joint we were thinking nor are we planning anything particularly special. Just a good dinner.

If you bail on us a second time you are now downgraded to “Applebee’s Girl.”

At this stage you are largely something to entertain us, to kill time, with the outside chance you’ll be something unique. You are now required to do all the work and impress us. We are relatively indifferent to you and can only rationalize spending $10 or so on drinks and bad food.

If you are so stupid as to bail on us a third time, seriously, and for your own sake, you will not want to go out with us again (and that’s in the unlikely event we return your call), for you have been downgraded to the worst of them all

“Property.”

You are a now officially a “thing.” Particularly a “sex thing.” We have no intellectual or romantic interest in you. You botched that up long ago. You are functionally no different than a gumball machine; throw some money in you in the form of drinks and maybe we get a prize. We will take you to a party where there are other friends so we don’t have to listen to you and waste no more of our time. And if there is no party we take you to a crappy bar with cheap drinks in the hope of getting you in the sack.

I don’t want to hear from any of you that “you know some guy who doesn’t fit this procedure” and blah blah blah. There is always going to be an exception to the rule.

Rule # 2 Women Will Always Find Reasons Not to Do Things and Rarely Find Reasons To.

Want to know why men make more money?

Because we take risks. We’re more adventuresome.

I don’t know how many times I’ve seen entire tables of girls refuse to dance with a guy at a ballroom or swing dance or latin dance. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to get female friends to go out and go to a party or get a drink with the intent of setting them up. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen women at clubs or bars reel their wandering friend back in to the herd so they can keep her company in misery when the girl wanted to talk to a buddy of mine. And I don’t know how many times I’ve seen women refuse to “go out to happy hour” or go “grab a bite to eat” after work or some event.

There’s a reason why the term “sausage party” has no female counterpart. Because women will not stay out, take that many risks, nor be that adventuresome. Men will.

And that’s fine. OK, cool, men=aggressor, women=chasee.

JUST DON’T BITCH ABOUT THERE NOT BEING ANY GUYS OUT THERE!

You sit at home and watch Desperate Housewives till you’re 40, then you’ll know what it’s like to be just plain desperate.

Rule #3 Speaking of 40…

You’re approaching it. Hell, forget 40, try 33. Rarely do I see a decently attractive dame over the age of 33. And you want to know what’s great? Men typically date younger and we age more gracefully. You may think you’re hot stuff, and you are now. Just keep being a flake and before you know it you’ll have wrinkles forming on the outskirts of your eyes, stretch marks showing on your ass, and instead of tight fitting lingerie, you’ll be wearing the loser sorts…not that we’ll notice because we’re dating a 27 year old because you keep consistently making it down to Applebee’s Girl stage.

That’s enough tirading for now.