The Team-Agent Relationship
The USS Yorktown has an interesting story. Heavily damaged and crippled at the Battle of Coral Sea, it limped its way back to Pearl Harbor where it could be repaired. However, this was not going to be a regular repair job, queued up behind other ships that were in the shipyards first. It HAD TO BE REPAIRED ASAP as every possible carrier and ship would be needed for the predicted and determining Battle of Midway. And so what can only be considered the greatest repair job history in the world was set off. Repair crews worked on the ship as she was sailing back to Pearl Harbor. Labor, materials, and equipment were secured in advance so they could work on the Yorktown the moment she docked at Pearl Harbor. They even put parts of Hawaii on rolling black outs so the electricity needed to repair the ship in time would be supplied. And in three short days she was sent back out into the Pacific in battleworthy condition (with repair crews still aboard her fixing what they could before the upcoming battle).
While the Yorktown is a unique story forced by emergency war conditions, it highlights a vitally important part of any naval vessel's life - a shipyard. A repair dock. A group of people that can maintain and repair this ship so that it may have not only have the longest life possible, but do the most when it comes to war, patrolling, defense, even commercial transport. It's vital to a ship because protects, maintains, and extends the inordinate amount of resources that went into building the ship in the first place. And it's certainly cheaper in the long run than building new ships whilst you let the old ones go into disrepair.
But this relationship between shipyard and ship, where there's an agent that goes out and performs a function and a team supporting said agent, is not relegated to naval vessels. There is an entire crew that supports a single fighter plane and fighter pilot (so much so the repair chief tells the pilot to bring back HIS plane). There is an entire team behind a single race car and race car driver. Even the cops are a group of guys going out into the field, supported by dispatchers and other specialists back at HQ. But long before fighter planes, race cars and aircraft carriers the very first instance of this agent-support team relationship existed. And that was the relationship between men and women.
In the olden days men were the agents, the battle ships, the fighter planes sent out into the field to do a variety of tasks. Defend the village. Fight the horde. Hunt the antelope. Till the fields. Build the forts. And in the not-so-olden days they did the modern day same. Work at factory. Work at the office. The 9-5 grind. Bring home the bacon. Women were the equally-vital shipyards of men, repairing them as they came back to harbor. They would fuel the men with food. Keep a nice dockyard in good condition. Tend to any wounds or injuries men might have sustained in the field. And the vitally important morale booster of soothing men, being kind to them, loving them, and giving them an emotional and existential point and purpose to go back out into the field and do it all over again. This team-agent relationship formed naturally over the course of hundreds of thousands of years and it seemed to work pretty good with it culminating in nuclear power, flight, freedom, landing on the moon, medicine, the elimination of hunger, the internet and self publishing.
But times have changed and things are no longer what they were a mere short 60 years ago. And there are ramifications, especially for men. For while you may have been built in a shipyard, and have 17 years of training and education put into you, and you are ready to take on the world, the problem is you no longer have a support team back at bay. There is no repair crew to extend your life and efficacy. If you suffer any damage (which you will, because it is the definition of life) you will only have yourself to rely upon to repair, maintain, as well as incentivize you over the course of your life. And the sooner you swallow and accept this very bitter pill of reality, the better your future life will be.
Yes, Aunt Bea Did Exist
First, however, it needs to be stated and established that at one time women did like, love, cherish and support men. Yes, Aunt Bea is a fictional character and so was June Cleaver, but they epitomized the ideal Team-Agent relationship men and women had with one another. But if that's not enough to convince you, one only need to remember their WWII grandparents and ask how grandma treated grandpa. My grandma treated my grandpa with support, love, dignity and respect. If it was a hard day I cannot see ANY instance in which she would not support him. And not once, never could it ever possibly happen that my grandmother would ever nag, criticism, lecture, tax, let alone divorce my grandfather. Furthermore, if they're lucky enough to even be alive, ask them whether they would stand men up on dates, "flake," sit on their ass and say nothing while on a date, and in general act like the way young ladies comport themselves today. You will find out it never crossed their minds, and even the mere prospect of such mistreatment they find appalling. Women liked men back in the day, period.
But the real reason it needs to be established that at one time women did support their men is for posterity. For historical record. And above all else because it is human nature. It is human reality. Traditionalism, no matter how much it is under attack, is the default program settings of humans. And when you work within these default settings the human race performs at its best. However, you being a freshly christened vessel, recently released from the loading docks into this modern day ocean of anti-male feminism, you will be told the complete opposite of what your genetics, biology, and instincts are telling you. This will cause you great confusion. You will constantly ask "what's wrong with me?" And you will go through an incalculable level of hell trying to reconcile what your entire biological instinct is screaming at you versus what society is screaming back. But understand, they are wrong. You are right. No you're not insane. At one time women did like men. And there's nothing wrong in wishing to return to that, because that is nature.
No, Aunt Bea Don't Exist No More
Yet in a certain tragic sense they are right and you are wrong. Because that's effectively what you get to deal with in the here and now. The current pool of women available to you today do not have the traits, values, ethics, let alone incentives of WWII women. And no matter what their underlying biological hard-wiring may be screaming at them, most women have chosen to abandon their men in the pursuit of becoming agents themselves. This has resulted in new types of relationships between men and women today, the types of which are heavily dependent upon the individual women themselves as well as their age.
The most common replacement relationship between men and women is the "Agent-Agent Relationship." This has been the standard since the Baby Boomer generation and is where women put their own careers and the determination of their own lives ahead of that of men and anyone else. Yes, they may get married. Yes, they may even love their husbands and children. But at no point in time do they exercise selflessness or altruism. Their definition, their core, their purpose and agency in life is to be a professional.
They are an accountant.
They are an HR professional.
They are a teacher.
They are lawyer.
They are a politician.
Their new "Agent Role" is so ingrained in their psyche that they even mock and ridicule motherhood, stay at home moms, accuse traditionalists of wanting women to be barefoot and pregnant, even Hillary Clinton maligned the stay at home moms.
The second relationship is likely that of what Gen X'ers have - The "Agent-Competitor Relationship." It's like the "Agent-Agent" relationship, but instead of potentially loving you and some accidental tacit support, women view men more as competitors, not a teammate to work with.
This is no more obvious than today's fad of promoting women, constantly, 24-7, on the news, the media, education, government, video games, and EVERYWHERE. If there's a stereotype of an aged, career-woman, spinster who sold her soul to the corporation Gen X women would be it. Highly educated, highly driven, even highly intelligent, they took what their Baby Boomer mothers and teachers taught them and took it to a whole new level. Being part of this generation I have seen this since the 1st grade where our baby boomer teachers were CONSTANTLY hounding us young boys that the girls were just as good as us and could do whatever we could do. FOUR DECADES of this constant, pro-woman, rah-rah, you go girrrrrrlllll, propaganda pitting women against men. The predictable result was women didn't outright hate us, but it was made very clear they didn't like us (unless we pulled off some amazing shit), and the hell if they were going to give up careers for the degrading role of stay at home wife or mother. Alas, it is no shock that divorce rates between Gen X'ers and Baby Boomers remained the same (especially when you consider how co-habitation understates divorce statistics). Women truly didn't need...maybe didn't even want men.
Finally, there is what Millennials and Gen Z'ers get to face - The "Agent-Enemy" Relationship.
Again, it is highly dependent upon the girl, and I doubt the majority of young women today hate men, but an increasing number of women certainly do. With even more vitriolic, sometimes outright hatred of men being programmed and indoctrinated into women from Kindergarten-to-Career, many young women today view men as the enemy. Their elder Gen X sisters already viewed men as the competition, so it was only a couple more clicks to the right to transition that into being Public Enemy #1. "Masculinity" is not what saved women from being raped by the Japanese in WWII. It's now "toxic." Men who make more than women because they slaved their asses off majoring in STEM or working dangerous jobs in dangerous conditions didn't "work harder," they were "sexists." Penis is privilege, so we're going to eliminate meritocracy from our ENTIRE ECONOMY promoting people based on sexism and racism. Women (and their children) should be entitled to a lifetime of government support so they don't have to rely on a man. And if a guy rejects me after having sex with him, it's perfectly fine to accuse him of rape.
What was once the cute battle of the sexes where the push and pull led to an intense liking of one another, has now turned into a true war where some women loathe and detest men. And like hell if they're going to go to the shipyards to repair you or loving wives to cherish. They literally hate you. You are the enemy.
Self Care
When you add it up (which is tough to do because the data is somewhat lacking) I'd estimate the percent of the young, female population who are looking to be part of that traditional "Team Agent" team has got to be below 5%. Even if they say they want the traditional relationship and will support you, often times it comes with other poison pills that make it a deal breaker. So with such horrible odds, young men today need to acknowledge this reality. And not only do they need to acknowledge it, they need to act on it. Yes, you might get statistically lucky and find yourself a keeper, but going forward in life you have to operate from the premise you are going to be taking care of yourself, doing your own repairs, and very likely sustaining damage - not benefiting from - the handful of women you date.
This then enters the realm of "there is no solution," because like it or not you are programmed to need a woman. Yes, technically you "don't" need a woman. You can eat. You can work out. You can engage in hobbies. But for all of human genetic history you were programmed to want a woman. And without them, you are going to sustain certain types and amounts of damage because you were built to be a ship, not a repair team. So the "solutions" are not really "solutions" since there are none. These are merely prescriptions to treat a problem that will (in all statistical likelihood) never go away.
The first step is to acknowledge this is reality. You (roughly) stand a 1 in 20, a 5% chance of meeting a traditional woman that, if you marry her, she will support you and be a net positive in your life.
The remaining 95% are likely going to be the bane of your existence.
Ergo, with such odds, you simply cannot put your hope, faith, dreams, and value in a wife or any consequential children because women have simply been programmed to be the opposite. If you do find one of these unicorns, consider it like winning the lottery. It's a statistical fluke. But remember, no matter how much you'd like otherwise, TRILLIONS of dollars and TRILLIONS of hours have gone into programming young women today to be Agents, Competitors, or Enemies, and NONE have been invested into teaching them how to be loving wives or mothers. So stop looking or at least learn to cut your losses quickly, early, and often when dating women.
The second step is to find agency and purpose outside of family and marriage. This will be the subject of a more detailed future post, but without women and family you will have to find something else to kill the decades of time you'll have. You can technically do anything. All of life's options are on the table. But some key ones are going to provide you the most worth and value in life. Your career will be the most likely one in that it gives you immediate agency and purpose, as it has for all men in all of history. It will also provide you comradery assuming you work for a team of people, essentially making that a substitute, though inferior family. Friends, if you can find them should be cherished as they tend to go by the wayside over the decades. Hobbies are also a must where you craft or build something of value that will remain on this planet after you die. Finally, you may want to consider religion or at least some philosophy to ultimately face what happens after you die. This alone will take some serious effort and resources, but the benefits of answering this question for yourself personally will pay dividends over the course of your consciousness.
Third, physical and mental health.
Without what has traditionally given men value in life, your body is going to have an uphill battle staying in both mental and physical shape. The love of your spouse as well as your children would have normally given you the incentive to get up in the morning and take on the day, but without that fuel you can easily lapse into lethargy, sloth, depression, drug use, and loneliness. This means eating right and working out are absolutely mandatory part-time jobs in that they will at least partially offset and fight the loss of what you should have normally had. They will boost endorphins, enhance mental clarity, stave off depression, and maybe even give you a social group to belong to should you find a quality running club or hiking group. But keep in mind your hind brain and the millions of years of evolution it has gone through is going to be constantly reminding you that you should be down and depressed without your crew, team, or support. It's not wrong, but there is no solution. Hit the gym and eat right.
Fourth, adventure and explore.
To give yourself an incentive you need to adventure and explore the world. Maybe not global trips to Antarctica or Tanzania, but visiting new and different places to at least provide your mind with some novelty and adventure. Based on my personal experiences, this should give you at least a decade's worth of meat to chew on and feed your soul, but inevitably the novelty wears off, you get old, and traveling gets tiring. Still, it serves its purpose and makes you a season man.
Fifth, your family. You may not have one of your own, but you came from one and if they're not toxic or abusive visiting them and spending time with them before either you or they die is a good substitute for your own. Again, your parents will likely die before you do, but there's no reason not to visit them before they do.
Finally, leaving a line in for the 5%.
Though statistically unlikely, a quality woman who loves you, cherishes you, and supports you is worth at least keeping a line out for. This doesn't mean you go to night clubs. It doesn't mean you spend hours on Tinder or cumulative days on dates. But you do leave a line out for a quality girl in case one comes along and bites. A lot of this can also be helped if you're direct and blunt with women in what you want. Being honest on your dating profile that you are looking for a SAHW and a traditional relationship will cut through the chase and act as a lightning rod for what few women want the same. Taking a conservative fat girl whose nice and telling her you'd date her if she'd lose weight is more efficient than hoping to make a pretty leftist girl a traditional stay at home wife. Your life should be so occupied with other activities that you don't have time to waste on anything but the rare marriage material woman, and when you hit that stage it's sometimes surprising when quality women show up.
Still, by math alone only 1 in 20 of us are going to get a quality girl. By math alone only 1 in 20 of us CAN get a quality girl. And until society starts to place value on family, husbands, fathers, and other USS Yorktowns, and start putting in the support need to keep those things afloat, it's going to be a lonely haul and a lonely life for the majority of American men. Make the best of it and as always, enjoy the decline.
___________________________
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30 comments:
There's no way I'm that lucky. It can't be that bad out there. 1 in 20 are marriage material? If it's true this is bleak.
I am reminded of the scene near the end of the Dunkirk movie where the rescued soldiers were served tea and jam by a ladies auxiliary. It was a very moving and poignant moment from a lost world few people today can imagine.
What happens if you cant hit the gym due to an illness/injury?
Excellent post!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZ2q1m9lxlY
Good commentary Aaron. But I disagree about keeping a line in the water being last on your list. It should be first.
And, everything is a two way street. Men go out because they love and cherish their women. And other realities undermine both the sexes too. If you want a house and decent cars and a few toys or maybe family vacations... both parents will have to work, it is as simple as that. If you want an RRSP too it HAS to be that way. Have some sympathy for the girls too: sure, they’ve been told that they are as good as men... and can do everything they do. Put yourself in their place: you go out believing that crap, and you get mugged, raped and even murdered by reality. The women go out thinking they are going to have it all, that men will gladly bow down to them and defer to their authority... and are shocked and enraged when it doesn’t happen. Or worse - they find some wimp that will ... and they don’t want him. It isn’t because of hypergamy... it’s because he is full of all kinds of faults that just magically appear out of nowhere that make her unhappy. They are getting screwed too... the difference is that women pay on the back end while men pay up front. Ugly, lonely cat ladies that drink wine by the box are a stereotype now. The Donks are fielding at least two candidates to pander to them.
Have faith... at some point they will wake up too. And th perps driving this crap may very well end badly. This can’t keep going on forever...
Great summary. My son is part of Generation Z, I think there may be a little more hope for that generation. Sons and mothers and fathers of sons are becoming more aware. Children of divorce are becoming more aware. That 5% number will become larger. Still not great.
Careful, Cappy - your getting awfully close to "MGTOW" territory with this
[very well-reasoned] post..
"But I disagree ...everything is a two way street. They are getting screwed too..."
Why is it always a reflexive "men harmed, women hardest hit" with these guys? They're busy rebuilding the equalist-feminist(-chivalrous-pandering-and-virtue-signalling) mound before you even finish your sentence, when it's obvious that the disaster we've got now is what women actually wanted all along.
"The problem with no name."
Solution: Prime muh dik, beta bucks aunt samantha, and non-stop attention and satisfying drama, with security outsourced to the state and whiteknights. You get the occasional woe-is-me whine to anyone who will listen, then right back to the feministing. Actions > words.
Great article. You are doing a real service speaking truth to the younger dudes.
This is quite surprisingly excellent commentary on some of the present situations ...
As for the "Agent-Competitor Relationship" for Gen X, we should identify the source of the blame accurately so there's no mistake where this was going to lead.
Feminine, traditional, but aspirational women who were raised by "conservative" parents, meaning the Cucks of the Walk variety that transcends "political parties", had fathers who would impress upon their daughters that not only should they adhere to "traditional values" as they saw them, but also they should additionally live up to some standard that which would make their fathers proud.
Since this is a naturally contradictory set of conditions, these confused young women sought out careers whilst ignoring the young men around them who would have set them on a more sustainable, less adversarial path.
While it's tempting to blame the Boomers for this, as in many matters of the Cucks of the Walk, you may also blame the so-called Silents for this, and it's especially them who directed these young women to this manner of thinking.
Where this eventually led was naturally an amplification of the conditions rather than merely a restatement of them, and so the "Agent-Enemy" or "Agent-Army of Enemies" developments follow from this amplification. These women fell off their "tightropes" of so-called "conservativism" of the Cuck of the Walk variety in order to land in the camps of the feminists.
But something interesting has happened along the way.
There are a number of women, certainly not a majority of them, but enough who are attracted to older men, and among them are enough that will make reasonably acceptable co-agents or team members for a reason that's easily overlooked.
These women eventually figured out that they aren't all that good at being competitors or enemies, and there's not enough "Organisation Woman" ala William Whyte's "Organisation Man" within them to desire joining an army of enemies.
Given the fecklessness of the Millennial Man, it also makes sense: there's more genuine maleness in that older Gen X'er than there is in the Millennial Man on average, something proven out by repeated tests of testosterone levels and such like, and those women can sense it.
Their innate desire to admire someone admirable leads them to admirable older men.
And so there's not a shortage of twenty-something-year-old attractive women for fifty-plus-year-old men who are interesting and who have interesting lives, but the fifty-plus-year-old Gen X'er woman who missed the boat thirty years ago by becoming a doctor, a dentist, a lawyer, whatever "Organisation Woman" profession rocked her proto-feminist world?
She's annoying the fuck out of fifty-plus-year-old Gen X'er males who actually did interesting stuff with their lives because they already have the twenty-something-year-old girlfriends who they actually want, and more to the point, these younger self-selecting women may yet lead these men to the lives they thought they couldn't get earlier in life, especially because they were busy being interesting men with interesting lives.
This of course leads these men to realise that they aren't at all friendly to the needs of the women of roughly their same age, and of course political action follows personal belief in cases where push literally precedes shove.
The bottom line then: there may not have been a port in this storm for many years, but luck and circumstance appear to have constructed one for a select few men able to take advantage of it.
I'm a Boomer and I hate Boomers and what they have done to our world.
Glen Filthie missed the bus to Reality.
Second time ever in life now I've commented on an internet page. First time was here too. After silently reading for years (since the late 90's) I am convinced Aaron Clarey is most certainly perhaps the *only* writer in the manosphere (or really almost anywhere) with which spending your money is something you should do.
These writings are the pinnacle of insight. Thorough, even-handed explanations of what is going on and the history behind it followed by practical, realistic advice about what to do and not do about it.
Please keep writing and producing content. You are the best out there.
Women are absolute masters of deception. I fear many men will be fooled into thinking they have found a traditionally conservative woman and will get absolutely destroyed emotionally and financially.
"Women are absolute masters of deception"
You're giving them too much credit. It's more that they are strongly incentivized to blow up their marriages. They are socially, emotionally, financially, personally, psychological, and social media incentivized to 'break free.' It's hard to even imagine another situation in which a person is so fully incentivized by all points of life.
Yup, it is a dark path ahead, isn't it?
You’re right, it’s not that bad out there.....it’s worse. Far, far, worse.
Most 20 year old wymin have already screwed dozens of men and are infected with multple diseases.
Don't waste your time or $ with them- let the entire western culture die an honorable death. In trying to save the unsavable, you are only torturing yourself and prolonging the inevitable.
Sorry for bringing the bad news.
Kudos. This has to rank as one of your top 5 posts of all time.
I would observe that the plurality of men come to conclusions that are related in this post much earlier than women, The Wall, or not. Our blind spot is at the end of the piece, 1 in 20. It succinctly mirrors the 50% divorce rates in the West.
"You're giving them too much credit. It's more that they are strongly incentivized to blow up their marriages. They are socially, emotionally, financially, personally, psychological, and social media incentivized to 'break free.' It's hard to even imagine another situation in which a person is so fully incentivized by all points of life."
Incentivized, yes. But most end up a failure in the end. Evidenced by two types of outcomes:
1/ Gobs of money in the bank but her relationships consist of her banker, her therapist, and a callused finger thanks to Tinder.
2/ Little money, little humor, little cats, and little to look forward to.
My father opined many a time "Before you burn this end of the bridge, better go take a look at the other end first.", it describes female thinking in many ways.
Leading edge boomer here with some advice. I married an Aussie, best move I ever made. Too late for you to do that now. You can write off North American and Western European women. They're beyond reclamation. I would suggest you look to Eastern Europe, the former SSR nations. They have a remaining vestige of tradition.
You can understand why men are going outside the states to find a woman. Asian women can be especially desirable. Get someone from a rural area and you can forego much of the downside. City women are a disaster, by and large.
Wow. Lots of truth here. My ex has a bs degree and hates men. She's part of the 95%. I didn't know how bad a "starter marriage" could be. I guess 95% of men don't either.
After she divorced me, I went online and won the lottery, apparently. I was so intrigued with this uneducated southern girl that could cook and actually wanted to stay home with the kids that I quit my high paid career and moved across the country to marry her. Ended up making $10/hr answering phones when I used to install the switches that made them ring. But who cares? When you marry into that 5%, she'll MAKE you successful. So I started over- back to school at night, working during the day, living off of her home cooking and encouragement.
Now more successful than before, and building a log cabin from scratch together from logs we cut down ourselves.
Nothing could be better than a trad wife!
As a last resort, Islam offers recourse.
Honor killings are not a bad thing. It's exactly what they have earned, and precisely what is needed in Murka. Women have got to be stopped- before it's too late.
Phuck those cunts, then phuck them one last time...
"Traditionalism, no matter how much it is under attack, is the default program settings of humans. And when you work within these default settings the human race performs at its best."
Lovely!
I have had the opportunity to mentor a number of students over the years in my role in academia. I am one of the very few conservatives in that fetid institution, but that incentivizes me to preach to those who have looked to me for direction in their studies. I also have two kids who are both in their 20s. For all of these folks, I have the same speech. To wit: You are not the product of some random act of reproduction. Rather, you have a purpose on this planet. You were put here for a reason, you have a mission whether you now know it or not. It is your job to figure it out and pursue it. Whether it is science, medicine, business, or whatever, your mission's ultimate purpose is to help your fellow man.
Personally, it is that concept of mission that has kept me going in the dark times of my life when my wife turned out to be a snarly competitor.
SOME women are highly educated, as you mentioned in paragraph 14.
Most of them, though, are just highly credentialed. Big difference. And if those women don't properly negotiate the winding paths through that credentialed "education," they'll find they're fucked.
Heard on the Democratie Participative podcast:
"Heterosexuals gave marriage to the homos, because heteros don't value marriage anymore."
Delta Lima said, "Get someone from a rural area and you can forego much of the downside."
I lived in a rural area for many years (eastern US). Women there are generally just as toxic as are women elsewhere.
Think of drug use, which Cappy didn't mention, but is a scourge. I worked as a correctional officer in that rural area, and the number of employees (many of them women) fired for hot drug tests would astound you. City women want either a career or a welfare check. Country women want the next meth or crack high, preferably with a welfare check.
Also think of women screwing around as the norm, married or not. Saw this with lots of coworkers in corrections. No, the rot is everywhere.
A FANTASTIC post Cappy! I've shared with my son and his better half.
Keep up the great work!
You've hit this out of the park Cappy. This has been my life to a T since my senior year in college in 2000 when I hypothesized the possibility of what you have put into words here-women might no longer be complimentary nor actually care about men in general.
About 10 years ago I also hypothesized, like you with no real data, that maybe 10-15% of women provide a NET benefit to a thinking man with a perceived purpose.
Thank you for an OUTSTANDING essay.
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