OK, I'm putting an end to this.
Young aspiring male economist romanciers, I am going to educate you on a lesson that is arguably the most important lesson I ever figured out in courting the ladies. It is a lesson that is going to make your courting life a HELL of a lot easier. And I am being 100% totally serious when I say it is a VITAL lesson to learn for I have seen many a-aspiring male economist romanciers go through unneeded and undeserved pain and strife.
Read these comics in order;
http://sinfest.net/d/20020105.html
http://sinfest.net/d/20020109.html
http://sinfest.net/d/20020111.html
OK so this has happened to all of us and recently happened to a friend of mine (which triggered this post). Not to say that we've all had a date go "Oh my God, Dawson Creek is on" and then split on the date. But we all have been in the situation where we;
1. Land a date
2. Get excited about the date
3. And then either the date bails on us at the last minute or is no longer interested after the first date.
The problem is what happens after the girl bails on us or rejects us.
Note how Slick (the kid in the comic) responds in the last strip. He's kicking a can saying, "If I only...If I just....Maybe if I...."
And there's the problem right there.
It is this instantaneous, knee-jerk reaction that when a girl bails on us, men immediately and by default look at ourselves and say,
"Gosh, what did I do. Maybe if I did this, or maybe if I did that. What did I say? How could I improve."
And I too was in your situation as a young 24 year old when a girl cancelled on me on the last minute. And whilst racking my brain and replaying the events in order to find out what it was that I did wrong that caused her to bail, it then suddenly dawned on me;
WAIT A MINUTE, WHO SAID IT WAS MY FAULT?????
This revolutionary thinking totally changed the premise by actually admitting that maybe, maybe the problem wasn't the guy, but rather the girl. That maybe, it's just possible, that a man can play all of his cards right and the girl might be the one to fumble the ball.
Look at our young friend, Slick. How could an objective observer possibly blame Slick for the failure of the date?
So here's the rule gentlemen, it doesn't matter why the girl bails. The "why" is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what "is." If the girl bails on you, don't rack your brain trying to find out why, you can't! The only thing you can do is accept what "is."
Furthermore, I want you to understand that the "why" is probably and most certainly stupid. The girl gets cold feet. The girl didn't want to go out with you in the first place, but just couldn't hurt your feelings. Dawson's Creek is on. Etc. Whatever the case, I can practically guarantee you that 100% of the time when a girl bails, cancels, etc., her reasoning is flawed and stupid. And that if you were to actually find out the "why" you would probably roll your eyes in disgust.
Alas, the whole benefit of this revelation is that you no longer have to piss away calories of energy, time, effort and thought trying to figure out why. You just accept and move on. Furthermore, there is the confidence that chances are it probably isn't you with the problem, and I am totally serious and I'll say it again, you will find out that, yeah, the VAST majority of the time it's not you, but the girl that has issues.
Of course, this whole theory is contingent on you playing your cards right and making sure you don't have a problem. And that means behaving in a manner or being a person that you are proud of. Being a gentleman. Being polite. Being somebody that you can look at and say, "If a girl turns this type of person down, then obviously she is the one that's ef'd up."
I personally aim my best to mimmick a WWII officer and gentleman. I mean, that's pretty safe. What possible rationale would a woman have to reject a WWII, 1940's, Cary Grantish gentleman? Thus, for me, when the girl can't make it because "her hair isn't dry" (I'm not kidding, I received this excuse MORE THAN ONCE IN 2005!!!!), I can sit back in confidence and say, "you know, I played that one pretty good. I was polite. I wasn't pushy. I was charismatic and funny on the phone. I was borderline Private Ryan with an element of Gregory Peck...this girl has issues."
So do yourselves a favor men, make a resolution for 2006. Resolve that you're not going to rack your brains over things that aren't your fault. Be a gentleman, be a good guy, be an upstanding dude. And if the ladies can't appreciate that, then we know whose fault that is.
32 comments:
I figured that out a while back, but I don't see that it matters much. All things considered, I'm a damned fine catch, but that doesn't do me any good if the women I meet aren't perceptive enough to realize that. Regardless of whose fault it is, I still get burned. The view from the high road may be nice, but it's still cold and lonely.
Granting for the sake of argument that most women are completely irrational when it comes to dealing with men, I still think it's important to try to understand why women act the way they do, so that we can better determine what it is that we need to do to achieve the desired results.
"I still think it's important to try to understand why women act the way they do, so that we can better determine what it is that we need to do to achieve the desired results."
My God Brandon, if you try that you will piss away SOOOOO much time on something that cannot be figured out. Seriously, I know more than any other man in the world about dating and girls simply because I admit I don't know anything about dating and girls and that my fine young friend is why I have such a high volume (albeit low quality) of dates.
I say you focus on the career and learn to dance. That's about the only thing that is in your power to help increase your chances. The rest is just wasting time.
Ever tried this?:
"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen"
Worked for me.
Yes, if I really want to get a girl, I ignore her. It's so sad they respond to being treated like sh!t, and get all paniced if you were to buy them flower or something.
I just watched "Notorious" last night with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman. Grant is such a smooth operator.
It's so sad they respond to being treated like sh!t, and get all paniced if you were to buy them flower or something.
Doesn't this run contrary to the "be a gentleman" advice? When I finally do meet a keeper, am I going to screw it up by not being enough of a jerk?
Derek,
Cary Grant said, "Everybody wants to be Cary Grant. Even I wish I was Cary Grant."
Brandon,
Yes, it does run contrary to "be a gentleman advice." Because "being a gentleman" and "getting a girl" are diametrically opposed goals.
This is why nice guys finish last.
Truth is though I have a "Keep a Line Out for Them" theory. I'll be a gentleman and a WWII Cary Grant wanna be for as long as the girl warrants it. once she displays some kind of modern day Seventeen/Cosmo/People magazine psychoses or is just an outright bitch, the line is pulled and I become the ass.
I think this is a mistake, Captain. You need to be an asshole from the beginning.
I recommend you read the stories and especially the message board on tuckermax.com
see "Tucker's Guide for Men: Why you don't have a girlfriend"
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=1322
Yeah I agree, so how is this significantly different from what I've been advocating.
because you say that you should treat them nicely until they give you reason otherwise. I think you should not treat them nicely - ever
Derek: and that's where "men are such a-holes" comes from. It's their own doing. You can never win.
I envy gay people - there's a gay bloke at work and he doesn't generally get this kind of trouble.
Women are just too complex in a stupid kind of way - there is stupidity in women, and a lot of it - which is why they're so complicated.
Derek:
Well yeah, but you have to keep at least one line out there in the unlikely event you run into a classic 40's dame caught up in this crazy mixed up world. I've fortunately met two. And I've unfortunately effed it up both times.
Frank:
I couldn't agree with you more about gay people. They are arguably the happiest people I've met. They enjoy their sexuality, they go out and enjoy their life, sex is all abound, no inhibitions. But there is the trick. A gay couple consists of two men. Gay or not, they're men. They enjoy sex and aren't afraid of it. Women on the other hand, enjoy it, but it's either that they don't enjoy it as much as men or they darwinisticly or instinctually know how to use it as their only currency or something like that. I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but there's a theory at the tip of my tongue. It's like Einstein in his last days, he was constantly working on a quantum theory that would jive with the theory of relatively (or something like that).
It's there, I just haven't put my finger on it yet.
Among other things,
1. Gay men can't get pregnant.
2. Sexual promiscuous women are not seen as "marriagable" by the better men.
Cap'n:
"A gay couple consists of two men. Gay or not, they're men. They enjoy sex and aren't afraid of it."
If that's the case, then gay women wouldn't stand a chance! Would be funny if it were true :)
But in reality, i guess it's just womens' attitude towards men...
I can practically guarantee you that 100% of the time when a girl bails, cancels, etc., her reasoning is flawed and stupid. And that if you were to actually find out the "why" you would probably roll your eyes in disgust.
Oh, there are so many things wrong with this entire post!
Did you ever think that when a girl doesn’t want to date you, it’s because she doesn’t want to date you? She wants to date someone else. Someone who is distinctly not you.
I agree with you that if a girl brushes you off, you should just chalk it up to experience and let it go. That said, when they bail on you, it’s not usually something that you did, but something that you are. It’s your personality that matters the most, not opening doors for them or trying not to outright stare at their breasts. And when they leave you because of your personality, that shouldn’t hurt since you should be confident enough in your own self to realize that you two just weren’t a good fit.
See, it’s like this. If you are the perfect gentleman, the best Cary Grant you can be, then she’ll like you, right? Well, that’s fine for the woman who likes Cary Grant. And, things will go on swimmingly until she finds out you’re not Cary Grant. That’s when she freaks out, gets all “stupid” and runs away. You deceived her and it’s not her fault for flaking.
Of course, if Cary Grant isn’t her type to begin with, then you’re screwed from the start. You probably just scared off the girl who would be interested in you, had you not been pretending to be someone you weren’t. She’s not the stupid one, you are if you think that all women are the same, want the same things, and that you can be what each of them wants.
So, I suggest you drop this gentleman act unless it isn’t an act. I’m not suggesting you become a jerk, because I know you and I know that you can’t be happy with someone you don’t respect. Just be yourself and I promise you’ll find the woman who loves the swing-dancing-economist-with-gentlemanlike-tendencies that you are.
Also, one thing I’ve been wanting to say to you for a long time is that your sexist pig bullshit is, frankly, unbecoming. No girl who saw that side of you would want anything to do with you.
-I’ll only be anonymous for as long as it takes you to guess who I am. I hate having to sign up for things just to post something so this puts a little fun back into it.
I just stare at their breasts. Always worked for me.
Captain: I would like to revise my comments. I no longer think you shoudl be an "asshole" merely for the sake of being an asshole. What you should be is entirely caught up in satisying your own needs, and projecting a persona that every desirable woman is clearly in your league and would be lucky to have you.
I promise you this will work
Derek:
I'm an ass man myself. You can look at that and they don't know it. That being said, I find it interesting how women will create things like push up bras and the wonder bra and show off their cleavage and then in the same sentence yell at you for looking...at least muslim women and their burkahs are consistent.
And yes, you have to be an asshole to get the girl, but I just can't be an asshole right off the bat until she gives me a reason. If I could, I could probably treble my dating volume
Ice Ice Baby;
If you know me, then how can you claim I'm chauvanist?
Anyway, LIKE A TYPICAL WOMAN ;P you didn't pay attention. If a guy were to go out on two or three dates and the girl doesn't call him back, yes, you're right, there's probably something wrong with him.
But we are not talking about that.
We're talking about girls 505025ing guys before the first date. Girls that agree to a date, and then cancel at the last minute. Girls that after the first date know everything in the world about the guy and aren't smart enough to take a rolling average measurement. In other words, instances where if the guy played his cards right, it can only be the girl that has issues.
Furthermore, I will say this, women have no freaking clue what they want, ESPECIALLY in the initial stages of courtship.
And I hate to say it, once I implemented this thinking and theory into my dating, volume skyrocketed, stress decreased, and the effort and energy I put into all this tanked.
I'm sorry, you may be a great girl (and if you are my friend, most of my complaining does not apply to you, because you are a great girl) but please do not lump yourself in with the rest the women. It's degrading to you.
Oh, forgot! Barb? Connie? Nancy? Those are about the only girls I know with such moxie. Just e-mail if I'm right.
Bah! Don't pay any attention to her - she's female, and therefore her opinion doesn't count :)
Chauvinism: an attitude of superiority toward members of the opposite sex; also : behavior expressive of such an attitude
Do I honestly need to list all the things you said in just this one post that would lead me to believe this? Maybe you should read your last paragraph again.
It’s not just you’re writing, however. I’ve been with you on several occasions where you act completely superior to women. You may not actually believe the things you say, and only you can know that, but you say them nonetheless.
“In other words, instances where if the guy played his cards right, it can only be the girl that has issues.”
If a guy “plays his cards right” and is, somehow, magically the perfect guy for a girl and she still decides not to date him? Then, and only then, might the girl conceivably have “issues”. But, you have to accept the fact that the only issue she might have is that she just doesn’t want to date you. You are making it seem like any girl who doesn’t want to date a nice guy is mentally challenged. She might not be ready for a relationship, she might be concentrating on her career or you might remind her of her dad. Come on…would you like to date someone who looked like your dad? Creepy. :)
I’m sorry to break it to you but women know exactly what they want. The issue is that, even though we know what we want, we may not want that thing when it appears in front of us. And that’s our choice. I’ve had guy friends who took it into their heads that I would date them as soon as I was single. They figured they were perfect for me. Of course, they didn’t count on the possibility that I might not think they were perfect for me or that I just might not be in the right place in my life to date them. Since finding this out, they have broken off the friendship. Tell me, who’s the stupid one in this situation?
I will say this, however. If a woman cancels a date, stands you up, or otherwise bails on you with some lame excuse, the only thing she can be blamed for is handling the situation poorly. In the world of dating, one needs to be mature. A woman, if she has made a mistake, should be woman enough to admit it. To your face. And honestly. I know you’ve dated your share of “flaky” girls and I think, perhaps, their major failing was not mental illness, but a strong case of immaturity.
In response to your assurance that your newfound theory works, (and I don’t want to blow your cover and divulge the number of women you were juggling) your most recent rash of dating didn’t seem to make you very happy. From what you’ve said in the past, I figured you were a quality over quantity sort of guy.
-This is very fun and you are very, very wrong in your guesses. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve overlooked my moxie in the past. Perhaps you shouldn’t have lumped me in with “the rest of the women”.
http://wafsboston.blogspot.com/2006/01/kristen-cavelleri-sucks.html
Some good observations from the guys over at WAFSBOSTON
Captain, I completely agree with you. To be honest with you, I've come to realize one thing. When you begin "dating" a hot chick (who knows she's hot and likes to mind-fuck guys), you do one thing and one thing only: do not call them, do not ask them out. Go out with them. Do not call them to make sure they got home. Maybe don't even call them for a week or so. Don't kiss their ass. Actually, I hate to say it, but be so friggin' cocky and disrepectful to them... Why? Because they won't KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HIT THEM. They have been used to fucking w/ boys based on their big tits, nice ass, great face, etc., for the duration of their life. Once you don't give them the upper hand, their minds begin to get all fucked up. You see, generally, these types of girls are psychos and insecure to begin with (really)(i know...because i've dated lots of them). So, immediately, when you act like this, they start thinking, "oh my god. what the fuck? am i not good looking? am i fat? did he notice that dimple on my ass cheek? Oh shit, maybe he thinks its cellulite..." It's at this point that you are playing and the game and you will be the winner.
Then. There are just nice, cool, fun good looking girls that you want to hang out with. Call them all the time. And be nice to them. They're the best ones to hang out with.
Oh, I know how it goes with those super knock out girls. Dated two Vikings cheerleaders myself. And the only way it happens is when you walk in, you see them, you know they're out of your league and once they sense you're not looking their way or paying attention, GOOD LORD, it has never been easier.
Really, they will come up to you and do all the work. And it isn't until 3 or 4 hours go by do you actaully think there's a chance she'd be interested in you. By that time you've more or less ignored her and just treated her like a guy and she's about ready to jump your bones.
I would like to defend myself. AGain, Ice Ice Baby, you weren't paying attention. At least I've had a "rash of dating." My point of contention is not the volume, but the quality. This squarely lands on the women. And I think it only fair that you mention how many guys you've gone out with in the past year.
I don't think you're listening. I've given you some good things to think about and you’ve dismissed them all. I know a thing or two about how women think, being an actual woman and I think that you should consider some of the things I’ve said concerning your dating style. I know you’re probably too proud to take advice from a woman but you just might want to consider it.
As far as the dating thing goes…I too prefer quality over quantity. At the beginning of last year I was dating a nice guy. He continued to be nice to me but at the same time, started doing that whole “distant” thing. Instead of making me run into his arms, I dumped his ass for playing games.
Now I am with a wonderful man who treats me with respect, never plays mind-games or feels the need for power struggles. And after 8 months of dating, he hasn’t changed a bit, proving he didn’t think it was necessary to “play his cards right” in the beginning. He just needed to be himself.
He just needed to be himself.
One thing I learnt as a teenager watching the classic movie House Party 3 was what Uncle Vester (played by Bernie Mac) once said:
"...Point I'm trying to tell you, son, is be yourself. People who don't like ya for being yourself... EFF 'EM! EFF 'EM AGAINST THE WALL WITH HANDCUFFS ON AND CRAZY GLUE ON THEIR LIPS!
That's all you do!"
Words to live by.
Ice, BS YOU GOT A GUY! You would have metnioned him long ago.
And yes, everybody, I know that I should be myself.
And I am
For why would I want to be anybody else when I'm this freaking cool.
You don't believe I have a guy? How do you think I know what the hell I'm talking about? You think I would know the secret to a successful dating life if I wasn't successfully dating someone? I don’t know what kind of girl you take me for but I'm not the kind who talks about something without doing the proper research. That would be irresponsible. I know you'll agree with that.
And, if divulging my relationship had been relevant or important to the discussion at hand, I would have done so.
In fact, he has just brought it to my attention that you two have met. He was unimpressed with your subscription to "The Economist".
Also, in response to your question "What is the difference between wizards and warlocks?"
The answer is: nobody cares.
OH NO! Somebody is NOT impressed with my subscription to The Economist!!!
I must slit my wrists. It's all over.
He sounds like a pompus jerk actually if he's so presumptuous in assuming I care whether people are impressed by my periodical subscriptions.
Is it really so pompous to suppose you define yourself by your magazine subscription? You brought it up with him in the course of a relatively brief encounter and, if your blog and your conversations in my presence are any indication, that was hardly an isolated occurrence.
And, if by "jerk", you meant "someone who can form their own opinions without the aid of a certain magazine", then you are right. If that wasn't what you meant, then you couldn't be more wrong, although that would be hard to believe.
Now then, I didn't come here to pick a fight and I don't want to have to keep defending myself when nothing I say matters to you anyway. Let's just be friends in the way we used to: I'll continue letting you ignore my "moxie" and you can go on about girls and economics. That will be nice, won't it?
-Kindest regards
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