I Should Clean More Often

Cleaning has always been a paradox for me. If it were just up to me, I’d do what I do the majority of the time;

Clean up ONLY the biological messes.

ie-I’ll clean the bathroom, wash the dishes, take out the garbage etc., anything that will grow germs, mold and so forth, but I have a hard time finding the rationale for picking up the place, or putting away my video games, organizing that pile of papers, or picking up my clothes, let alone that pointless evil brainwashing process foisted upon us by women; folding them.

These objects are hurting no one, laying there on the floor. They are innocent. They are not spewing disease and fermenting infectious germs like say, children. Thus, I say leave the non-bacterial stuff alone and clean up only what truly matters.

Alas, while these are one of the many benefits of bachelorhood, there comes the time where I unfortunately must clean BEYOND my standards and that is anytime I have the prospect for a date.

Notice, I said "prospect." For we all know that just because a girl says yes to a date, doesn’t mean you’re actually going on it (thus prompting me to come up with the Theory of 505025). But regardless of the probability that you’re actually going to go out on a date, bachelors have to assume that you are going out on the date.

And not only are you going out on the date, but you must also assume the girl will have poor judgement, and therefore you might get lucky and she might actually go home with you, thereby leaving you no option but to fully clean the bachelor pad.

And that is the paradox.

Is the probability that you are actually going to score with a chick worth the AT MINIMUM 4 HOURS of unnecessary cleaning?

The short answer is no, but again it is the only bet you can make, thus you have no choice.
So you spend the next 4 hours cleaning your house head to toe. And based on statistics, 78% of the time it will be pointless, because girls (at least in Minnesota, be curious about other states/countries) bail out at the last minute or somehow fail to show up 78% of the time. And upon further thought, it’s even less likely than that, in that it’s only about 5% of the time will the girl actually see the inside of your house.

However, as much as I’d like to say that it ends there, it does not. For while it is most certainly likely a waste of your time to clean the house, you LITERALLY HAVE NO OPTION WHEN IT COMES TO CLEANING YOUR CAR!

I don’t know about you, but I use my car as kind of a separate, off-site mobile storage unit. Why rent some place to store my excess wares when I have a perfectly good automobile trunk. And if you don’t have children and look in the owners manual of your car, you’ll see that the backseat automatically defaults to "Extra Storage Space for Your Crap."

Unfortunately, women don’t see the economic genius in using all storage space available to you, so unless she’s picking you up or you’re biking over to her place, you get to clean the car.
Here is where certainly the 78% Bail Out Ratio becomes tedious and annoying as all hell. Assuming you not only clean out the car, but also wash and wax it, as well as Windex the interior, you at minimum will spend 1.5 hours on that car. Add that to the 4 hours you spend cleaning out the house, you’ve now spent 5.5 hours in total cleaning.

This unspoken opportunity cost is rarely considered when budgeting yourself for a date. If you take 5.5 hours and multiply it by your hourly wage at work, it will provide some insight as to just how truly costly dating is and that’s assuming you’re going on the date.

Fortunately, there is a solution, and your Captain Capitalism has found it.

For those aspiring Male economists, we all know that women do not like to be chased.

Actually, let me rephrase that;

We have no freaking clue what women like.

But we do know when we chase them or show any interest in them, they do not have any interest in us. However, when we ignore them and act indifferent to them, then we need sticks and RPG’s to keep them away.

Thus, fellow Economists of the Bachelortude Order, I propose that for the first date you do not pick them up, but rather meet them at the venue or location of the date. This not gives you the air of indifference to them, thereby making you look irresistible in their feminine eyes, but it also alleviates us of the responsibility of cleaning the car since we will not be picking them up.

Furthermore, should things go so well that there might be the potential for a little smoochy-smooch, then I suggest you insist on going to her place.

This alleviates you of the responsibility of cleaning the house.

If you follow these rules, I estimate this will save you 5.5 hours worth of labor, which translates into $88 at average market wages.

However, for all the drawbacks of unnecessary cleaning, I must admit today, I’m glad I am cleaning the place head to toe in preparation of selling the house. For not only did I unearth those two old charts from The Economist, but also this political cartoon.

It’s 2 years old, but I’d still like to point out where 2 years of negotiations and warm fuzzy puppy talk with the Iranians have gotten us.