Counter-Earth Hour

As you guys all know I suggested environmentalists whackos start paying me to NOT pollute the environment. And as a means by which to give these nutjobs the proverbial finger suggested we hold a celebration of sorts where we pollute as much as possible.

Well it turns out via SDA (click and scroll down, you'll see several postings) already such a celebration is planned AND it is coming up March 28th.

Now understand the purpose of the counter rally is to not only counter what minuscule and pointless amount of energy these hypocrites save, but to outdo them and make it worse for the environment. Not because we don't like the environment, but we want to show them their arrogance and conceitedness in daring to lecture the normal people of this society about the "ills" of global warming will be counter productive.

Thus, instead of their paltry, pathetic hour, we will engage in carbon spewing behavior for the entire day, and night if necessary.

Now I know what you're asking; "Captain, what can I do to help shut these losers up and make them think twice about joining a pathetic crusade just because it makes them feel good and gives them their jollies because they get to tell other people what to do?"

Well I figured why not look up what the "10 best things to do for the environment" was and then do the opposite!

1. Run lots and lots of water. Water is cheap and so you should flush your toilet several times. Matter of fact if you can parcel out your bathroom going into multiple trips that will increase the number of flushes you have to use. You can help increase water usage by drinking lots of water. This not only consumes it, but forces you to flush more times.

2. DRIVE A LOT. The Captain fully intends on getting his 8 cylinder car and driving pointlessly to Hutchinson while smoking not one, but TWO cigars. Also, don't combine errands. Make a separate trip for each errand and maybe take a nice detour. See, driving actually IS fun and is calm and relaxing. I personally find enjoyment just driving around listening to jazz or talk radio. You should do the same and treat yourself to a nice quiet, LONG drive. Better yet, if you don't have to drive, go out and drive around during rush hour. Help clog the interstates more than they already are by needlessly making your presence there.

3. The #3 on their list is to bike/cycle/walk. Forget that, see #2.

4. Do not recycle. Throw everything away. Make sure paper and bottles (with the caps on so they don't compress, but rather stay inflated taking up more volume) are thrown out. Keep aluminum. That you can actually make money on. If you can't throw it away, burn it. The downside of this is it doesn't help fill land fills, but it does emit carbon.

5. Composting. HEY instead of having the garbage in the landfill, have it in a stinky pile in your back yard. Instead, I suggest doing what #4 recommends and throwing everything away, UNLESS you have extra chemicals and cleaners you need to get rid of. Pour that on the ground where you're not planting anything or using. Preferably around the perimeter of the house as that will keep critters and weeds away.

6. Change lightbulbs. Well, if you have to change lightbulbs, they better burn out. Make sure you keep all your lights on. Matter of fact if changing lightbulbs is good for the environment, then you should break out the ole Christmas lights and fire those babies up. Remember, if they burn out, you get to replace them. And replacing bulbs is good for the environment.

7. Run the furnace AND air conditioner full blast. SDA has the rights to this one, as they call it a "match" to see which one wins. This is kind of expensive however, so you can easily unnecessarily heat up your house by burning wood in a fireplace or just having a bonfire outside. Make sure to use gasoline to get her started.

8. They recommend increasing the pressure in your tires. I recommend just going to the air pump and running it non-stop so the air compressor works overtime. That consumes electricity and that helps destroy the planet.

9. #9 on their list is driving again. Notice a hatred for the car here? This time they want you to drive REALLY slow. Ef that. That's for neo-pansified-Americans who drive Priuses and find members of the opposite sex based on the mileage their car gets. Go out and hit the interstate. Don't speed, but just hit the interstate and go 5 over the limit as that will not get you a ticket, but increase the amount of emissions you're emitting. If you can find one, attach a parachute to the back of your car for better draft.

10. Run all your appliances and lights at the same time. The great thing about video games is they have a pause function. You can leave all the electronics on, get a burger (via car), come back and watch the beautifully paused screen as you eat your burger and throw out/burn the garbage.

Now these were just the opposite of the best things you could do for the environment. I'd like to add a couple;

1. Aerosol cans. I don't use them, but they sure are fun to burn like a torch. Reminisce about your childhood youth and buy a can of deodorant and have a torch fest.

2. Bonfires. You can burn pretty much everything and you should. Plastic, painted wood, treated wood. You'd be amazed how much junk you can clean out of your house if you have a good ole fashioned bonfire. Just make sure you don't breathe in the smoke.

3. Cigars. I know what you're saying, "how much damage could a single petty cigar possibly cause the environment?" Well how much GOOD can driving 55 instead of 60 do for the environment. You have to understand, it's all symbolism over substance. Be just as hypocritical as they are and have that symbolic cigar. Besides, leftists hate cigar smokers.

4. Grill out with charcoal. Gas is good as you're still emitting carbon, but what is better than eating the meat of poor little helpless animals over sizzling coals? Make sure to use a LOT of lighter fluid. Matter of fact, better get two bottles.

5. LAUNDRY DAY! Might as well do it today. Make sure you use that dryer.

6. Go out on a date. While everybody is in the dark, holding a candle light vigil for the environment, grab your girl/guy, go to town and enjoy life. Lord knows these people don't and never will.