Many years ago if you had ran into the Captain, you would have seen an idealistic, happy young man. Eyes would have been wide open and hopeful like a young and energetic puppy. Of course, life has a tendency to turn even the most innocent and happy of boys into the dark and sinister men that we've become today, but back then the Captain was just a fresh-off-the-assembly-line happy private. And during those days the Captain would entertain foolish notions of coming up with little romantic and charming gimmicks to woo girls into courting him.
Things like bad poetry;
"I like you babe, I like you lots
It's for you I've got da hots
Date a man, for get the tots.
I like you babe, I like you lots."
Taking girls to look out points to awe them with the awe-inspiring views of the city with a bottle of wine tucked in the back pack.
Buying them corsages that matched their dresses if we made it to the fourth or fifth date.
And other stupid things I inevitably learned were futile and were simply just a waste of good beer money.
Of course, now "wooing" girls is no longer priority number one and currently ranks somewhere behind "cleaning the house" and "going to church," but allow me to share with you one of the more charming little gimmicks I came up with;
The (True) Story of Pigtail Day.
You see, when in my youth I was chasing after this young lass and I let it slipped that I had a soft spot for pigtails. Not the "catholic school girl" pigtail thing, but I just liked pigtails and still do to this day because they look cute and girly. Sure enough the girl I was trying to woo started sporting pigtails and I, foolishly, thought this was a good sign. Ergo, to capitalize on this preliminary-successful wooing, I wrote The TRUE Story of Pigtail Day.
Of course, despite its genius it failed and I had since forgotten that I wrote it, BUT upon cleaning out my computer files I rediscovered it and deemed it worthy of a little more attention. Thus, I give you The TRUE Story of Pigtail Day:
While most people believe Pigtail Day to be some sort of ruse or trick to get girls to put their hair in pigtails, simply for the amusement of men, the origins of Pigtail Day can be traced back to ancient Rome where all truly great holidays come from.
The success of the Roman empire is largely attributed to great military might and conquests, however, this is only partly true. Savvy historians and experts on Rome point to a strong and efficient economy as the backbone to the Roman empire’s success. Preceding the peak or glory years of the Roman empire, a military excursion into the northern isles, now known as Ireland, brought back an Irish slave called Eringobrough McClarey. Seemingly an ordinary sort of fellow, he was quickly assigned to poo shoveling at the Caesar’s greenhouse. But how misjudged he was, for McClarey was an insanely intelligent man, and soon he soared through the ranks to become Chief Poo Shoveller.
The Ceasar noted that his plants were doing much better, better than ever in the greenhouse and so he asked his aide,
“Aide, why are my plants so green and lush.”
The aide said, “Sire, it is the renowned poo-shoveling talent of an Irish slave, we brought back a couple years ago.”
“Bring him to me,” said Ceasar, “for I wish to speak with him.”
And so McClarey went to see Ceasar. And upon his arrival, the Ceasar awarded him not only a legion of poo-shovellers, but citizenship and a new title.
“From hence on, Eringobrough McClarey, you are now known as…
And the chicks did dig him.
And so Clarius Maximus and his poo shovellers set out to conquer many lands for the Roman Empire. And the empire grew under his command.
But while conquering, the insanely intelligent (and good looking) Clarius noticed all the logistics and management involved of transporting, feeding, supplying and quartering troops. Soon he developed a new science to help achieve the maximum effectiveness with his limited resources; economics.
The battle of Liberalius Pansius (a town full of artists, counselors, and public sector employees) is a perfect example of the ruthless efficiency of Clarius’ economics.
With no more than 20 poo shovellers, armed with potatoes, he managed to topple the city of 60,000 in 15 minutes and bring it under the heel of the Roman Empire.
Soon, rumor (and fear spread) of Clarius Maximus’ economic tactics. And when the results of his military campaign reached the Ceasar, the Ceasar said, “Bring him to me! I wish to apply this “economics” to matters here at Rome.”
Upon his return to Rome, the Ceasar awarded Clarius the much coveted Leather Gauntlets, which he donned upon his hands and thus made him 110% sexy.
Soon, in addition to waging war with his poo-shovelling legionnaires, Clarius was made “Grand Pooba of all Things Economic” in Rome. And under his wise leadership, GDP per capita increased 800%, unemployment dropped to record levels and Alanus Greenspanicus was put in charge of the newly created Roman Federal Reserve.
But something bothered Clarius. For despite all his success, he had no time for chicks.
And the Ceasar noticed something was wrong, so he said, “Clarius, why do you look so down?”
And Clarius said, “I have no time for chicks and video games have not been invented yet.”
And the Ceasar said, “Well, you’re in luck, because for all your service to the Roman Empire I will allow you to choose any girl from the entire Roman Empire.”
And so a decree went out that all totally hot and fine babes journey to Rome so that they may have the honor of courting the former poo-shoveller.
Millions came and were put under great scrutiny for Clarius Maximus wanted not only looks, but intelligence too! And after months of interviews and discussion, he had limited it down to 40,000 totally hot babes.
He then said, “All chicks who majored in engineering, physics, accounting, economics, or some other subject requiring math may stay.”
39,990 left, leaving only 10 of the hottest and most intelligent Roman babes. But sadly, Clarius was unable to tell who was the hottest one, they were all totally hot.
But then, out of nowhere, came two dirty Massachusetts senators, with the intent of absconding with one of the totally hot Roman chicks. Unfortunately, they chose the same girl and a tug of war match ensued. Each senator grabbed one half of the girl’s hair, pulling in opposite directions. They tugged and tugged, until Clarius Maximus dispatched his highly trained and tippy top secret elite poo-shovelling legionnaire ninjas! Within a millisecond the two senators dropped under the heavy hits of ninja shovels.
And what was left after the ruckus was a totally hot roman chick with her hair pointing in opposite directions, exactly like what today’s pigtails look like!
Clarius Maximus was stunned, she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen!!! And he saw a million of them, so this babe was like totally fine! He said, “You, chick with the pigtails. You’re hot! Let’s go out.”
And how could she refuse, for he was wearing his 110% sexy leather gauntlets.
The Ceasar, upon seeing this totally gorgeous babe with the pigtails, immediately said,
“I declare this day, January the 29th to be Pigtail Day. And I decree that every January 29th all women should put their hair in Pigtails!”
And the people were jovial and happy and the chicks were like totally hot…but not quite as hot as Clarius Maximus.