Monday, July 22, 2019

The Piggott Effect

The Two Reasons Men Have to Live

After observing my elders and going through a fair amount of life myself, I have come to the conclusion there are only two real reasons men have to live.

The first is women.  For a gloriously uninterrupted first-decade-and-change of life, young boys are allowed to operate as truly free intellectual agents. Allowed to think for themselves, be independent, be uninfluenced by anything but pure curiosity, novelty, adventure and fun, boys enjoy the most care-free part of their lives playing with frogs, playing baseball, biking all over, and building forts for their first dozen years.  Then they hit puberty and until the day they die, all of their decisions are henceforth influenced and impinged by women.  They abandon their dreams.  They abandon their lives.  They ditch their bikes, frogs, and forts, all so they can "get da gurlz" and thus spend their days in the doldrums of marriage, or perhaps the purgatory of divorce.

But whether they're married or not, divorced or not, single or not, inevitably they get to the age where they abandon the pursuit of women, giving rise to the second reason men have to live - busting each others balls.

Oh, mock it if you must, but I am supremely confident in my assertion.  Because if you watch men of retirement age, a "certain age," or pretty much any age, if women aren't around the SOLE AND ONLY reason we have to live on this planet is to rip other men apart.

I came to this epiphany while hanging out with Adam Piggott and The Great One Himself in Louisiana.  While the pretense of this meetup was to meet each other in person, what it inevitably became was a mere Ball Busting Fest between the three of us. 
  • Mocking Adam because he doesn't convert his WAV files into MP3's.  
  • Polling cute 20 something girls in New Orleans about my horrific choice of deodorant and Irish Spring soap.
  • Buying Adam the "gift" of Irish Spring soap.  
  • Gay and homosexual jokes abound.  
  • And of course, pointing out Adam Piggott's uncanny ability to drive just like a post-menapausal American woman in a mini-van in the left lane. 
Not one genuine compliment was exchanged in the entire three day ball bust fest, and we are merely sharpening our knives for the next one.

This ball busting, however, is not relegated to our little shindig in Louisiana.

My old man, though retired, still works to this day SOLELY to bust the balls of his co-workers and insult his buddies.  I know this because that is WITHOUT FAIL the first thing he will talk to me about when we catch up.  Not his wife.  Not his health.  Not his retirement. But how he "got Willy in accounting the other day."

When I golf with the old guys in Vegas I have never once been greeted with kindness or civility, but usually questions about whether I'm "old enough to be out by myself" and questions about whether I've hit puberty or not.  And instead of being appalled, these old guys laugh when I retort, "Hey, those are nice clubs.  Can I have your clubs when you stroke out on the 15th hole?"

And when going on the Masculine Geek Podcast, you will not find a group of kind, caring, supportive friends, but a hornet's nest of insults, ball busting, mockery, ridicule, and hurtful words!  In their hours of podcasting, not one kind word has ever been uttered to another man.

All of these anecdotes prove that once men get over women, insulting and busting the balls of other men is all we have left in life.  And though not the idyllic times of our per-pubescent childhoods, it is a marked and happier improvement over the pursuit, capture, and ultimate divorce/boredom with women most of us are fated to have.

The Piggott Effect

However, something interesting happens within all this ball-busting, mockery and ridicule.  Something that does not happen in women.  For while we go out of our way to find any mistake, any flaw, and minor infraction within our male colleagues, and beat them down mercilessly for our own enjoyment, there is an unintentional side-process occurring that serves all men well in the end:

Continual improvement.

For example take Adam Piggott's incredibly - nay, UNRIVALLED - ability to drive like a 53 year old American woman in a minivan in the left lane with a "COEXIST" bumpersticker on her van.  The second me and The Great One realized he simply could not drive like a real man, we got on his nutz immediately.  Telling him it's MILES per hour, not his Australiany gay "kilometers" per hour.  Pointing out the Asian driver is passing him.  Speculating if The Great One could bike back to Colorado before Piggott would get us to the airport.  Though this may have hurt Adam's incredibly feminine and fragile feelings, it was the first step in solving any problem - identifying and acknowledging there was one.  And now, going forward, it is almost a guarantee Piggott will drive better than he was before.

Another example, my odor.  The Captain does not stink, but The Great One and Piggott both mocked and ridiculed The Captain for his choice in "basic bitch" soap and deodorant.  I use Old Spice deodorant and Irish Spring soap.  However, this is erroneous because Piggott suggested I buy a $40,000 deodorant called "Hermes."  Arguing against the cost and that my scent was perfectly fine, we surveyed some young ladies in the French Quarter only to find out that Old Spice and Irish Spring were "nasty," "gross," and "disgusting."  Unlike Adam Piggott, my feelings were not hurt.  However, once again, a problem was identified and I am going to improve.

Even the old and very decrepit Great One, with his many more years of wisdom than Adam and I, had flaws that needed improvement.  Of note his burning ALL of the podcasts he listens to on ONE, SINGLE rewritable CD's so he can listen to it on his 1992 pick up truck CD player.  Piggott and I pointed out to The Great One that for the cost of a wire, a new truck radio, or a bluetooth speaker, he could use an MP3 player or his phone and be forever rid of the chore of reburning CD's.

Be it driving like a middle aged woman, smelling like your grandpa, or using 1990's technology in 2019, men's desire to constantly identify, hunt down, and expose the failings and flaws in other men, means we're on a trend of perpetual improvement.  One day Cappy doesn't stink as bad as he used to.  Another day The Great One saves himself 15 minutes of his finite life getting a blue tooth speaker.  And another day New Orleanians are spared 2 million hours in cumulative commute time because there isn't an Aussie driving like a middle age American woman with a minivan, while texting her BFF's in the left lane.  And over the course of days, weeks, years, and decades, men improve a considerable amount to become interesting, productive, and less stinky members of society.  All because we we bust each other's balls and are forthright in pointing out the flaws and shortcomings of our fellow brothers.

The Anti-Piggott Effect

Women, it is opposite.  And I would argue that behind choosing poor degrees and working less hours, this "Anti-Piggott Effect" would explain a bit of the wage gap.

Women do not have their knives out (at least officially anyway).  Women are not constantly looking for flaws in their female colleagues (at least officially anyway).  And even if they do find a flaw, they will never say anything about it (to your face anyway).  Matter of fact, it's quite the opposite of men's ball busting, where it is a constant "Compliment and Fawning Fest" where women sing one anothers' praises and tell one another how "amazing" they are.  This sole focus on complimenting, praising, celebrating, and "positive reinforcement" overlooks flaws, errors, short-comings, and outright mistakes, denying women that perpetual self-improvement The Piggott Effect affords men.

Worse, since there is not this rabid hunting down of errors or mistakes just to bust one anothers' balls, but rather an obsession about praise and celebration for merely existing, the "Anti-Piggott Effect" allows problems, mistakes, and errors to fester, ultimately harming, even destroying the entities.  For example (though behind a paywall), when women are put in charge of a college, delivering
  • the highest quality education 
  • for the cheapest price possible 
  • to as many students as possible
is NOT the primary concern of the administration.  It's "safety rooms," and "safety zones" and communal decision making, and avoiding making fellow women's fee-fees hurt, and "no such thing as leadership" as that would imply superiority.

You can see this elsewhere in western society where the gushing complimentfest outranks profit, efficiency, and just plain reality.  We tell women (and men) to "follow your heart and the money will follow," misleading millions of poor young women into debt-slavery for worthless degrees.  Entire corporate divisions are created that at BEST can be considered "marketing" or "PR," but functionally are affirmative action make-work welfare jobs programs where women can compliment each other all day - CSR, Diversity and Inclusion, HR, even Google's Orwellian "Department of Employees and Culture."  Television has long been a gush-fest of avoiding harsh truths and reality (Oprah, The View, daytime soaps, etc.).  And the Democrat party (and all socialist parties of the first world) do nothing but sing the praises of women, never constructively criticizing them.

Of course, this is not to say that all women are just running around reading their People Magazine, complimenting one another, majoring in Public Health, and telling each other how "amazing and brave" they all are as they all attend masturbation-festivals.  There are some authentic women, who live in reality, seek and deliver constructive criticism, major in the right things, work real jobs, and never fell for such BS.  But even then it is not in women's nature to purposely hunt down and bust one another's balls to such a ferocious, olympic level (if at all) like men.  And even if men were allowed to "bust women's balls" (which we're not because that would result in an immediate sexual discrimination case), both would be considered "rude."  Alas, because men and women ARE DIFFERENT, women are denied the benefits of "The Piggott Effect."

Fee-Fee's or Reality

The truth is The Piggott Effect is simply about the truth.  And though men enjoy busting each other's balls to find it, this blunt reality does give men an advantage over women.  We don't placate one another, lie to one another, or try to make each other "feel" better.  We tell one another the truth so that they might DO better, ESPECIALLY if we can laugh at them at their expense.  And while poor degree choices and fewer working hours explain the lion's share of the wage gap, perhaps women could use some ball-busting and "The Piggott Effect" to help close that gap.

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Pelo Loco said...

“Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Bob said...

So I'm curious, for those of us who use Old Spice deodorant and Irish Springs soap, what is the recommendation for alternatives?

Joe BLow said...

Another thing you'll notice: When men are alone they will rarely say anything negative about their wife/girlfriend. When women are alone they will rarely say anything positive about their husband.

There is a trend I noticed too: Powerful/connected/high ranking men praising their wives and belittling themselves publicly. For example, Bill is retiring or moving on, perhaps being promoted and moving. He gets his plaque & dinner & does his speech. It is not sufficient anymore to praise the support he got from his wife for standing by him all these years. No. He has to admit that without her he can't even find his socks in the morning, that without her he's be a bum drinking out of a brown paper bag living in a cardboard box.

What would happen if half these guys were frank: "Where would I be today if I hadn't met Flo? I'd be two notches higher in the hierarchy, driving a convertible red Mustang and banging 25 year old babes around the clock. When I found Flo in that dingy trucker bar 20 years ago, little did I know sex would dry up after she got pregnant by tricking me, and has been busting my balls ever since, but I can't afford to divorce the old nag. Don't get married guy..."

Anonymous said...

It's not just women these days.

A Texan said...

The Great One knows that you can get care stereos at Wal Mart for $20 with an aux port and even a usb port that can pull up MP3's?

MarcusZ1967 said...

Just like this. I AGREE!

Kraemer said...

@Anon it's everyone who doesn't have a father. Which is basically everyone.

heresolong said...

Hermes deodorant costs $40 per stick. Real price. Are you insane? I'd rather continue to smell like my grandfather.

Anonymous said...

Change the font to comic sans so it'll attract people your own level.