Hey Kids,
Are you sick and tired of the other kids on the block regurgitating their bumper sticker sound bytes about how Bush orchestrated the drop in oil prices for the election?
Tired of stupid, brainwashed leftist whiners going out of their way to abandon all rational thinking and logic so they can get their jollies off of subscribing to outlandish conspiracy theories?
Sickened by the utter hypocrisy of socialists who will disregard the pursuit of the truth and the well-being of the nation in order to make themselves feel like intellectuals and espouse ridiculous levels of stupidity?
Well, sit there in utter silence with your jaw on the floor as you cannot comprehend their stupidity no more when you hit them buck-side the back of their head with…(dun dun DUUUUNNNNN!)
Captain Capitalism’s REALITY!
Yes, REALITY!
The most surefire way to stop a blathering, uneducated socialist dead in their tracks.
Why suffer the pain and agony of mindless drivel when you can stop it before it starts? Why endure the headache while your brain tries in vain to comprehend the psychology of people pushing such outlandish theories? Why leave a perfectly good party when the socialists start spewing uninformed opinions because they actually think people want to hear what they want to say? Well leave happening parties no more with Captain Capitalism’s REALITY!
Just use one dose of REALITY on any blathering liberal and they’ll shut up, 100 GUARANTEED!!!
Don’t believe us? Well just listen to our customers’ testimonials!
Captain Capitalism Reader #1 – "I used to go to parties, like with all my liberal friends in college. And like they were all like totally going on about how Bush and Cheney controlled the supply of oil. And then I read Captain Capitalism’s post about who really owns all the oil reserves and found out that the US "Big Oil" companies really only control 2% of the world’s oil reserves. Likeohmygod! So I printed off the post and showed it to my friends and they sat there in silence and said, "whatever." So the next day they voted me out of the sorority because I violated their weight requirements, but ever since then they haven’t talked about big oil and Bush and Cheney! Thanks Captain!"
Captain Capitalism Reader #2 – "So I work at a public school and while in the teachers’ lounge I was listening to some of the other teachers talk about how they thought it was highway robbery paying $3.50/gallon for gas to fill their SUV’s. They blamed it on Bush. But then I pulled up this post on the Captain’s site and showed them that the high prices were really a combination of high global demand for oil, a limited refining capacity, China’s voracious demand, and a "risk premium" in the middle east, not to mention a weak dollar. Bush really had nothing to do with it. After that some men in trench coats from the teachers union beat me senseless with a tire iron, but at least the other school teachers don’t blather on about Bush and Big Oil anymore! Thanks Captain!"
Captain Capitalism Reader #3 – "Yo man. So I was like hangin with my homies and word up g, get dis. Al Sharpton comes up to me and says, "you know prices are coming down just because Bush wants his cronies getting re-elected." And I was like, "whoa, step-off man! That’s like crazy freaky sh!t because my man Captain Capitalism predicted you leftist perps would be push that sh!t on us, thinking we was some dumb flock o’ sheep willing to be brainwashed and follow you anywhere. Next thing you know you’d be saying some girl was raped by a bunch of white cops when she wasn’t. I owe it to my main man Captain C for keeping in the truth. Thanks Captain!"
SUFFER THE IDIOCY OF UNINFORMED LEFTISTS NO MORE!!!!
Use Captain Capitalism REALITY!
So what are you waiting for?
Order your very own dose of Captain Capitalism’s REALITY!
To order just go to http://captaincapitalism.blogspot.com/, print off your favorite posts and carry them with you to parties, college class, high school class, or a DNC convention!
And if you read on, you’ll get the latest post on the left’s idiocy with oil ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
SO DON’T DELAY, READ IT RIGHT BELOW NOW!
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OK, so the latest drop in gas prices have triggered the now-to-be-expected-knee-jerk-reaction that when anything goes well under the Bush administration is was orchestrated to get his cronies elected and further send us down the path to totalitarianism.
Saddam Hussein
Al-Zarqawi
Now gas prices and I'm not joking, THE FREAKING SPINACH!!!
Ug. They complain when gas prices are too high because all of Bush’s Big Oil Buddies are making a mint, they complain when it’s low because it’s obviously a scheme to affect elections. Cripes, the stupidity is really jaw-dropping.
Now, I know, I know, you understand how the price of gas works; SUPPLY AND DEMAND. I understand this. And anybody with Jello for a brain will understand this, but for your standard leftists who really doesn’t have a brain, just more really a brain stem actually and is only capable of rote rehearsal and knee-jerk thinking, thus making them susceptible to conspiracy theories I’ve compiled a list here of reasons why gas prices have come down;
1. GDP has slowed slightly from its previous break neck speed of 5.9% down to 2.9% thereby lowering demand for oil.
2. BP’s oil pipeline problems are not as severe as they previously thought.
3. This minor discovery of oil in the Gulf of Mexico that potentially could boost US reserves by 50%.
4. Summer driving season is over.
Understand when you pose these figures/facts to your hot air socialist friends a set of behaviors will occur;
1. They’ll shut up for a couple seconds.
2. The next word out of their mouths will be "Well."
As in "well…ummm…you know…"
Or as in "well, that’s uhhh…because…"
since they don't know what to say because their brain just got served.
3. They will inevitably ignore the glaring evidence you’ve pointed to in front of them as being irrelevant and denying the truth.
4. They will then move on to another topic of conversation.
Now, I’ve receive many complaints from consumers of Captain Capitalism’s REALITY in that it doesn’t convince leftists they’re wrong.
I have to make a clarification here.
Captain Capitalism’s REALITY has made no claims about being able to convert leftists. All it claims to do is get them to shut up. That’s all. Getting a leftist to admit they’re wrong and convert into a capitalist requires something much more Herculean, a life-shattering event that changes their outlook on life…something like them supporting themselves and paying taxes or a Bolshevikian Revolution followed by 70 years of misery and 40 million deaths.
That being said, please feel free to use Captain Capitalism’s REALITY. Something tells me between now and November we’ll need it regarding this gas price tripe.
(PS-I noticed that nobody is clicking on the links, THAT'S WHERE THE REALLY GOOD CHARTS ARE!!!! And they're very pretty too, I used lot's of colors)
14 comments:
Captain Capitalism Reader #4: I get really tired of the leftist crap coming out of my college economics professor's mouth, so I brought to his attention the startling clarity of your reality and it shut him up good for over two class periods! Thanks a million Captain!
If it wasn't for that long-distance thing I'd be all over you!
Aw schucks howdy! **BLUSH**
Well, I tried to make this post before, but it didn't stick, but if you ever have any problems with your professors or any sorted leftists, you just e-mail me at captcapitalism@yahoo.com and I'll reference you to any particular posts that would have any relevant data that will shut them up.
LOL, this is great stuff.
Keep up the good work.
This is all quite amusing, but I have one question: these "liberals" you refer to, do they really exist or are they just a figment of the right's imagination in order to justify the above sort of ranting ? ( a la "1984" … it's a book … written by Orsen Wells). Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't find the above very amusing and, if there really are people who are crazy leftists as you claim (and for whatever reason cannot be simply ignored), then I am all for them getting a strong dose of the Captain's patented home-made remedy "REALITY", however I just can't help but think that … well … you know ... they don't actually exist, not in any meaningful way anyway. Perhaps it's an American thing that I'm missing here. I'm Australian and have lived in Europe for over 9 years (first in the London and now in Oslo) and I have never met someone who would fall into the US definition of a "liberal". Perhaps it's the company I keep, or the fact that I've always worked in finance/banking.. or maybe because I finished university in 1992 and have found during my working life that those who could be described as lefties at university never amounted to anything (which is not surprising because REAL socialism is self destructive, as we all know). Certainly I've never heard anyone over this side of the Atlantic make the claim that oil prices are lower because of Bush / Cheney. If you read about the lowering of oil prices in the papers then it's pretty much as you describe above. Maybe it's got to do with the news you guys get. As far as I am aware, news is regulated in many European countries (certainly in the UK) such that it must be factual and not opinionated (regulations the US did away with many years ago). Sure, you get slightly different versions of the facts, but you don't get all the opinionated stuff you get in the US (from both the left and the right). The idea being, of course, that it is up to the individual to form his/her own opinions, rather than having some radio or TV presenter forming them for you.
Looks like you've got more work to do, take a look.
http://newsbusters.org/node/7756
Hey GL,
Well in the limited time I have to respond, it would be the different temrinology Americans versus Europeans apply for the world "liberal." In the traditional, classical sense, liberal in Europe meaning free, be it free markets, social rights, etc.
However, in the US "liberal" I presume derived its meaning from the 1960's/70's of the Baby Boomers however, they only focused on "social rights" while finding nothing wrong with infringing upon people's economic rights.
So the meanings are somewhat differents across the Atlantic.
That being said, if you haven't run into such brainwashing in Europe, I would chalk it up to Europeans being better educated than your typical American. I've met the occasional "european liberal" here in the state, probably on daddy's dime coming here to study, and basically is an advocate of socialism. Additionally I think Europeans try to teach their children a certain level of maturity which is not taught here.
In short I blame it on 90210 and Desperate Housewives.
Anon - Yes, it makes logical sense but won't translate into inflation. Instead of money spent on gas, people will spend that money on other goods, pushing up demand, thereby pushing up prices. The idiocy of the article is that so little is spent on gasoline as a percent of total disposable income that even if they were to spend every cent they save from gas on other goods, overall inflation will not go up.
it's just a journalism major thinking they're cool
thanks for the considered response. 90210 and Desperate Housewives have a lot to answer for ! I will keep reading your blogs with interest. Keep up the good work.
Captain, you mention "maturity" here in regards to European cultures, which you have mentioned before specifically in regards to Norway, and how this relates to a country's ability to deal with slightly socialist or leftist policies. I have to agree that there is a certain level of maturity (or maybe social cohesion is a better description) in European cultures (excluding the UK). For some reason we anglo-saxons seem to have lost that. Don't know what the answer is, just think it's an interesting observation. Although unfortunately that favourite music genre of yours, rap, is very popular over here as well (and the French love it ... in French of course, because of the laws stating that some high percentage of music played on French radio must be in French). Anyway, don't have time to expand on this topic at present, maybe another time..
Captain,
I will definitely be asking you for info to beat back any of the liberal propaganda I can't counter well enough myself. :)
GL,
The crazy liberals described by Captain most certainly exist (and in large numbers). They account for around 70% of the student population on my liberal arts campus and more than that of the faculty. It is sobering to me the amount of socialist gobbledygook that comes out of young American mouths. Sad, but is very real.
Captain,
I tried to follow the embeded links in your post one oil prices but after wiping the vomitus from around my mouth after having unfortunately visited the dailykos.commie link, I was unable to continue to the michaelmoore.crap link because i was over come with a sudden urge to void my bowls as i read about how glorious chavez was for standing up to 'bush the satan'. mostly my illness came as a result of the realization (and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach) of just how stupid and ignorant many americans have become about simple realities and the utter lack of basic logical deducation skills that is missing from the 'proletariat' in our society. Thanks for helping to shed light in some dark corners!
Hi Rachel,
But that is partially my point .. no one gives a **** about "liberal" college students. And no matter what you think when at college, you ain't gonna change the world. But that what universities are for. Kids come out of high school thinking they're just so right-on and want to save the world, get to college and join all the right clubs and spout ridiculous hippy rubbish ... only thing is, when they graduate and have to get a job, they realise that earning some money for their family to be able to eat and afford a decent house is slightly more important. So they either drop the commie propaganda, or keep it up and never amount to anything. Although, there is of course the champagne socialists ... they just suck.
gl,
I realize that many kinds drop the commie crap when they enter the real world away from the Ivory Tower; however I realize also that most never fully do. Maybe the overt propaganda, but hardly ever the philosophy. That part stays, to our detriment as a nation. A lot of these hippie college kids I go to classes with never lose it, they just move to the places (like where I live, in MD outside DC) that are already their own "People's Republics." But others become normal on the outside and it is only when you talk to them you realize that they honestly live in guilt every day for not helping the starving children of the world and supporting more fully all those loser causes of which they once belonged on the mailing list. These are the people that truly need some reality. If you don't believe these people every amount to anything, tune into C-SPAN some time and watch almost any Democrat talk.
Oh, and P.S. on the "maturity" front. I grew up in Norway, and yes the kids there are much more "mature," if by mature you mean jaded. From what I know, this is applicable to most other European countries, except Italy and the Iberian peninsula. Kids there seem to know that there is nothing worthwhile for them in life and so respond accordingly with little effort. As my brother said: "The sky is the limit, but the clouds are very low." It is not exactly social cohesion over there, but more the feeling of mutual social obligation. Social cohesion *is* the price we pay for a free society (and be glad for it.)
hello again Rachel,
have to say, you make some pretty sweeping generalisations there.. not sure where to start. First, saying all Europeans kids (except for in Italy and Spain) are "jaded" is a bit much. As I'm sure you know, you are talking about 25-odd countries of vastly different sizes, histories and cultures, not to mention different languages. The type of policies these countries implement range from the open-market, liberal economy, business friendly (more so than the US) to the more state controlled, welfare/socialist state. Each country has its own historical reasons to explain why it is where it is today and why it is difficult to change. So let's ditch the idea that we're talking about all of "Europe" here. It's even sillier than trying to claim that everyone in the US is the same in some way (but by a magnitude of about 100, for the reasons I refer to above). So let's stick to Norway. By "mature" I mean people here generally have respect for their familiy members, for authority, for the government, for the law and for other peoples' rights. I know what you are getting at when you say "jaded", but better to be jaded than be a crack addict, or join a gang, or break into people houses, or mug people on the streets etc etc. Perhaps you see what I'm getting at... those that don't try too hard here wouldn't try hard anywhere, in any environment. The people that are intelligent and driven rise to the top in their fields, just like any other country. I have worked with people, both in the companies I have worked for and dealing with them across the table, from just about every European country you could name (as well as Americans), and I can assure you, whether I'm dealing with a German, a Frenchman, an Italian, a Swede, a Brit, or a Norwegian or whatever, they are equally motivated, professional, educated and intelligent. Norway may be wrapped in a bit of a cozy oil blanket, and it may be a bit socialist (which overall I don't like), but there are some real, tangible benefits that Norwegians enjoy: virtually no poverty, law crime rate, good public schooling and healthcare. I see the trade off between the US and somewhere like Norway as this: you can either pay low taxes and then have to pay more as an individual for healthcare, schooling (or the premium on the purchase price of a house near a good public school, as happens in the UK), alarms/security for your house/car and also live with a higher risk of mugging etc, or have the state control more of these things, with the resultant higher taxes, to ensure everyone has the opportunity to get decent (although not fantastic) schooling, healthcare is free or affordable for all, public transport is cheap and reliable, crime is lower because of the far lower levels of poverty, and your kids can play in the street or in the park without fear for their safety. This system also has the benefit of enhancing social mobility, something Norway scores very high on. The US, unfortunately, does quite poorly on this.. as I've mentioned in another post, the American Dream for most Americans is just that, a dream.. if you are born into a poor family you are most likely to stay there (you can refer to The Economist for research which supports this). There are of course loads of things here which could be brought up against the Norwegian system (e.g. inefficiency, waste, corruption etc), but all I will say is that things generally seem to work. Now, maybe you are thinking I agree with all this socialist stuff ... the answer is no, I definitely do not like to see 40% or 45% or whatever it is of my pay going every month in taxes and social security, nor do I like paying 25% VAT, nor do I like not being able to buy all the nice European food I could get in London as the import duties are so high here, but my point is that you shouldn't let ideology allow you to make generalisations and stop you from analysing the facts. Ideology, whether it is religious or purely political, can very easily blind you to the facts, and prevent you from seeing REALITY... :-)
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