Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Fat Chicks Allowed

We've been going at it the wrong way gentlemen. Barking up the wrong tree. Pissing into the wind.

As I've said before I often think that society spoils very attractive women and gives them a free pass in many things. Simply because a woman is attractive means that one-half the population wishes to sleep with her and thusly will buy her food, drinks, dinner, dates, houses, jewelry, heck I remember a personal injury lawyer scamming on a girlfriend of mine promising to pay for her college (I was a wealthy security guard at the time). This effectively shields these women from the harsh realities of life that turns you from a child into an adult. So while the rest of us schlepps have to slave away at work, earn a degree, pay a mortgage, and fill our own gas tanks, Bambi is being chauffered around by Winston Winthrop III.

Now not to be arrogant or bragging, but truthfully, I keep myself in enough shape and ask out such a volume of girls that inevitably one is drunk enough, slips up and says yes. Thusly I do tend to date very attractive women.

However, these never or rarely make it past the first date as they quickly prove themselves to be complete morons and ditzes.

For example, in my recent trip to Rapid City a very attractive girl GAVE ME her number and e-mail without me even asking and DEMANDED stay in town one extra day so that we could go out on a date...only to stand me up the next day.

Another would be the "Norwegian Goddess" who got so hammered one night she not only got into fisticuffs with her friends, but was so drunk she couldn't tell if she was in St. Paul or Minneapolis and thusly needed me to pick her up (below is a thing called a "map" that shows you the geographic difference between the two).

Or perhaps my personal favorite, the neice of one of the top dogs inTaiwan's Kuomintang party whose family had a net worth in excess of $1 billion that literally LECTURED ME FOR 15 STAIGHT MINUTES after I had filled up the tank, went into the station to pay, and came back and had the audacity NOT TO ASK HER IF SHE WANTED SOMETHING TO DRINK!

Obviously the common theme among these very attractive women is they're all psycho. They're mean. They're spoiled. They're immature.

In short, their personalities suck.

This presents a paradox to any guy who wishes to date attractive women;

physical attraction is inversely related to personality.

Here is a formula developed by U of Chicago economists;

Thus the question becomes how do you solve this paradox, and date a girl that is not only attractive, but nice as well. Well, gentlemen, I think I have the answer.

Ask yourself the question, what is easier to change?

A person's looks


A person's personality?

And now the merits of my genius plan becomes apparent. For while a person's personality is more or less set by the age of 24, their physical appearance is not. And while a person's personality can be changed, it is infinitely easier to change somebody's physical appearance.

Thus, guys, men, hombres and dudes, we've been going about it all the wrong way.

Instead of chasing after hot chicks that no doubt have wretched and unchangible personalities, we should be keeping a keen eye out for overweight women that you could see it that if they lost 20, 30, 50 pounds, etc., they'd be hot. And since society is anything but nice to fat chicks, you can practically be guaranteed that they know how to support themselves, they don't expect society to take care of them, they have personality and have had to develop some kind of intellect or skill in order to have a social life, just like the rest of us. It's literally only a matter of slimming them down.

Now, there are of course problems with my new-found theory.

One, friends have pointed out they don't want to date fat chicks. And I concur, but that is not what the theory portends. Much as we may lament it, you must be physically attracted to somebody to date them. But that doesn't mean you can't be friends and go running or walking.

Secondly, dissenters brought up the issue of how exactly do you put it to an overweight girl that she needs to lose 40 pounds? Simple, you don't. You just say, "hey, do you ever go running?" Get them out dancing. Some form of exercise without mentioning that she needs to lose weight.

Also is the issue of how "blunt" and "mean spirited" this is.

Well that's because if you're insulted by such an idea you are probably of the lefter-leaning sorts because you dont' like the truth and rather lie to somebody to spare their feelings than to truly help them out.

It may be blunt, it may be cold- hearted truth, but it is not mean spirited. Mean-spirited would be something like not telling an overweight person they need to lose weight knowing full well their life expectancy will be 15 years shorter if you don't.

That's mean spirited.

"Asking" not "TELLING" a woman to go running pulls off the delicate balance of being polite yet being truthful as well.

Regardless, the theory has merit and is a win-win-win situation as far as I can tell.

1. The monopoly super attractive women have would be broken and they'd be forced to compete by becoming nicer people.

2. Overweight women would slim down, making them not only more attractive, but healthier.

3. A good looking dame with a great personality might not be a mutually exclusive event.


Frank said...

Mean spirited is your 'friends' letting you wear a really short skirt, nay, a freakin' belt along with the rest of your skimpy outfit when you're about 50 kilos overweight. I witnessed such an occurrence many years back whilst out drinking with some mates and it was such a horrid site, it was burned into my retina.

I still wake up screaming.

She walked passed me and my mates thinking she looked so cool, and her skinny friends (who, i'd imagine, wouldn't have told her she looked disgusting in what she wore 'cause they didn't wanna hurt her feelings) were right along side her.


Anonymous said...

People have to realize that they can lose weight on their own. You cant just say "hey tryrunning" or whatever. They have to discover the benifits of an active lifestyle on their own or else it will only lead to fights.

Anonymous said...

I certainly agree with the gist of the post, most girls who are attractive have horrendous personalities. However, there is the small segment of the population comprising attractive girls who were raised properly and/or are tall that do have great personalities. I have known closely some of these women, and in certain instances I have found that their personalities can change upon entering the real world out of college. For instance, I have seen several times when women enter a male-dominated field, or are in positions where they are sold to, that they lose their good personalities thanks to the doting lavished upon them by coworkers and salesmen.

John Derbyshire had an interesting take on this in his NRO article 'The Hillary Style Crash', essentially stating conservative women are more attractive than liberal women and are more likely to stay that way.

Another avenue that would be interesting to explore is whether tall attractive women have better personalities than short attractive women. I've seen this a great deal in my personal experience. My take is that it has something to do with them generally looking like Big Bird during high school, and likely having bodies that looked like those of a 10 year-old boy. All the shorter girls were likely filling out during that time, while they were ignored thanks to their lacking cup size. So, instead, they concentrated on developing their personalities and particularly their sense of humor and intellect. However, once they did grow into their bodies, they generally retained their personalities and intellect despite becoming very attractive.

Captain Capitalism said...

Now that you mention that about the taller chicks, you're right, they have tended to be nicer than your 5'2, eyes of blue.

I have nothing against taller chicks, dated a couple in my day, but they seem to have something against guys that are shorter than them.

regardless, good eye.

Feynman and Coulter's Love Child said...

I have a couple other problems with the theory: for one, don't think that fat chicks never thought of getting skinny on their own. Fat girls simply don't have the DNA or the willpower to keep themselves looking like Lindsey Lohan. For two, once she starts slimming down she'll be subjected to the same barrage of male attention given to the rest of her deranged species and soon exhibit the personality traits that she previously never had. In other words, once she gets hot she'll be given the societal permission to be a hot bitch and the sudden thrust of hotness makes her even more succeptible to it.

Finally, anybody who's ever heard of marriage knows that if a woman physically changes after you meet her, its always in one direction...and that's not the direction you're aiming for. Oh you'll see that 40lb. weight loss all right: she'll gain it within a year of the first date now that she has no reason to keep herself slim to find a man.

Alex said...

There's one very serious flaw with your plan. What do you imagine will happen when a woman who hasn't had a real date in the past 6 years all of a sudden realizes that every guy wants her?

Somehow I doubt she'll realize who she has to thank for her sudden popularity. Nor, were she to realize it, would she be likely to express gratitude through monogamy. If you're just looking for some temporary fun, sure, it's a good plan. Just don't expect a long-term relationship. Unless you're into swinging.

Anonymous said...

I am with you on the hot chicks deal. They tend to be far more trouble than they are worth. I have found that dating girls from the B team tends to be much more fulfilling. They are relatively attractive and tend to improve their looks when dating you. Its really a win-win, like drafting someone in the 7th round and having them turn out to be a top line player.

Anonymous said...

Gentlemen, please relax. This blog has created but not replaced the life long question that each man has asked themselves forever. Why can't I have that woman? Understand fully that you can't have that woman because you yourself are ugly or fat. That is the bottom line. We don't care about their personality or character. What we truly care about is if we are capable of banging those attractive yet mean-spirited women. How the hell do you want to change a woman? Easy, by changing yourself. Here's an example that the theory does not cover. I have seen this occur several times. A fatty decides she wants to lose weight (for whatever reason). Great, she will live longer and become beautiful. Bullshit, as soon as she loses her weight, becomes hot, gets heads turning, BANG, she becomes a bitch! She will adapt to her new body and the attention she receives because of it. Now, I'm no Dr. Phil, but I'm sure you can all relate or understand what I'm talking about.

Understand one thing, if you try to change the world, you will see changes. Just gotta be carefull not to make anything worse. You think a fatty that loses weight and has the opportunity to bang attractive people is gonna retain the personality she had as a fatty and still bang you? Don't ruin a fat guys chance at getting laid by eliminating the fatty's that bang him. Find a way to get into a hotty's pants, and face the competition. The theory is faulty, and will not work. All ugly men will end up jerking off all over themselves, or dishing out cash for fun...period!

Anonymous said...

I dare ya!

You go date Rosie O'Donnel!

You tell her to loose 40 pounds.

I dare ya!

Anonymous said...

Dear Conservative Human Men,

Have you considered that, perhaps, simply not treating the extra-pretty ones like they shit gold might stop this cycle of violence once and for all?

Just a thought,
From a formerly awesome, genetically challenged fat lady

Anonymous said...

So... if you slim down the fat chicks, then they become skinny and cute, but how long until they get the star-studded-skinny-bitch treatment that ruined the pretty girls in the first place? Wouldn't someone come strolling in with more money/attention/better looks/etc. that would steal her away and she'd go and get an ego, thus becoming unattainable?

Anonymous said...


I thought of this myself and was searching google to see if anyone had polished it first.

Anonymous said...

Being a previously Morbidly obese woman who is now (if I do say so myself) a lot skinnier and attractive I think your theory has merit. And im starting to wonder if that's what my current boyfriend of 1 year did to me. We were friends when I was a fattie and now were in love!!
While I do get hit on all the time at clubs and unfortunately work I really don't pay much attention to it. It just makes my skin crawl.

I'd like to think i've retained my quick witted sense of humour and great personality, and maybe lost some of the bitterness I used to have.

I say give it a try!

Anonymous said...

I actually think Kyle's suggestion is the best. Don't go for really attractive or really fat women, but go for the 4 star, B grade, whatever you like to call it. They are still a healthy weight, but just don't have a barbie doll face. Those women are the best for a relationship, and the best for sex IMO.

Anonymous said...

As a fat chick with a "pretty" face, I'd love to have a boyfriend who keeps me motivated. It seems however that my kind are relegated to the realm of feeders and fetishists, or desperate guys looking for a sure thing. If I could get a guy who, on a whim tells me, "LET'S GO HIKING!" I'd do everything in my power to please him.