In a previous work of genius I explained to women why men, specifically, bachelors leave things in the car, or on the table or in the doorway instead of just "putting them away." The whole concept was "Bachelor Object Migration," the short version of which is that objects in a bachelor's life cannot just be hastily put away. They must migrate, stage by stage from the trunk of the car, to the doorway, to the table, to the room, and invariably in the closet where it was meant to be.
Eyes were rolled.
Criticism ensued.
But in the end, it's still the bachelor's house and those are the rules.
However, the need for a new Law of Bachelortude has come up and that is "Bachelor Object Equilibrium."
The Captain came upon this brilliant realization when he had a female friend of his clean his house. Previously, when his house has been cleaned, things got "put away."
Where did they get "put away?"
"Where they belonged!"
And where was it "they belonged?"
Where the female friend of mine decided where "they belonged."
I thusly spent the next 3 years trying to find things that were previously readily accessible. I'm still missing some socks.
However, this behooves the question "where do things belong?" And if you have ever visited a genuine bachelor pad, you will realize the answer is;
"All over the place."
Now to the untrained female eye, they think there is no order or structure to this. The bachelor has just haphazardly thrown all of his personal affects across his pad as he farts and belches while walking around in boxer shorts drinking a beer at 1030AM listening to Frank Sinatra. But little do they realize that not only is there structure and organization to this "mess," but it is the OPTIMAL order and structure.
How Bachelor Object Equilibrium works can be best described when a bachelor moves.
The bachelors does not pack his possessions in an orderly manner. He throws everything into boxes. Thus, when he unpacks, he has to unpack every box looking for the items he needs at that moment.
What this ensures is that the bachelor only unpacks the vital and necessary things he needs. This leaves the lesser-needed items still packed and now collecting dust under the stairway in the closet. However, the genius does not stop there.
Whatever items have been unpacked need to go somewhere.
Where?
Wherever they are most needed.
This principle is the core to Bachelor Object Equilibrium.
For example, one would contest a fridge should be in the kitchen.
Well that would require me having to go upstairs all the time to get a beer.
Why not have the fridge right next to your computer in your office so when you work, you can simply reach over and grab one?
Take a look at a desk.
My female friend when first cleaning took all the pens I had a-strew across my desk and put them in a cup. Only to have me immediately take the pens back out and put them out across my desk once again.
Why?
Because the pens being across my desk is the optimal location. I simply reach a mere 3 inches to the pen on my desk instead of having to painfully arch the foot and a half to pull a pen out of the cup. And, presuming I wish to live such a self-imposed totalitarian, slave-like life, I would have to PUT THE PEN BACK!
Now I just drop the pen right on the desk WHERE IT CAN BE OPTIMALLY ACCESSED IN THE FUTURE.
Or take a look at my tools.
Are the tools located in the tool box?
Heck no!
They tools are located near the objects they fix.
All my computer tools are near my computers and servers as well as my X-Box and LCD projector.
All my heavier mechanical tools are upstairs in the book shelf. Which coincidentally contains no books, but does hold nicely carburetor cleaner and chain oil should I need to fix my motorcycle or cars.
The larger point is that objects in a bachelor's house will NATURALLY find their optimal location, thus achieving "Bachelor Object Equilibrium." With no thought, no structure, no planning, objects WILL naturally find their way to "where they belong." Of course, to women who visit the ole Captain's Pad all they see this as a "mess." But now you ladies know to look a little closer and realize the true genius of this efficient system.
7 comments:
I don't know about applying that concept to tools. Nothing is more annoying than trying to remember where a particular tool is and not being able to find it.
Bachelor Object Equilibrium sounds like a fancy name for the plaque that hung on my door as a kid.... "Please don't clean the mess in my room--you'll confuse me as I won't know where everything is."
Sorry, Sindi, I'm with the Captain on this one.
Everything I own has its place, and to the untrained eye it looks like a disorganized mess. But in a stack of papers five feet high I can find one phone bill from five years that I might suddenly need.
The only time I ever misplace anything - ever - is when some unnamed woman "cleans" things up.
If I suddenly went blind, I could find every tool, every plate, every form, and every pair of pants I own, except for the stuff that was put away for me.
I agreed with you on the Rumple Minz on the blister, but here you've got lernin' to do.
I have a wife and two kids. A couple of years ago when I has away on a business trip, they decided to clean and rearrange the garage, the machine shed and the granary which houses my shop. When I got back, I could find stuff any more since everything had been moved.
It's been 3 years and I still can find some of my tools.
When the kids were younger, more than once I found tools out in the pasture by hitting them with the mower.
But the most frustrating thing is they borrow my tools without asking and worse without telling me. So I spend 2-3 hours trying to find a tool that is at my son's house.
I agree with the "Bachelor Object Equilibrium" (BOE) concept and think it is a completely natural law.
And oddly enough, even after some outside force moves bachelor objects to their unnatural position, those objects always return to the point of Bachelor object equilibrium (BOE).
Last though, the ladies need to thoroughly understand this force of nature and to not endure the frustration of fighting the BOE, for fighting the BOE is an exercise in futility, just like fighting the law of entropy.
For you next pontification, Captain, perhaps you would like to explain how men always seem to have another roll of TP on hand and in reach when the current roll runs out, but those of the female persuasion never seem to have a new roll ready.
The best mechanics I've known kept their tools right where they needed them. It looked like a haphazard mess but they never hesitated when reaching for something. Move one wrench four inches and it might take years to find.
I work on the saturation principle. When I go looking for, say, a stapler, or a pair of scissors, or a calculator, and don't immediately find one, I go out and buy one.
I have carefully explained this principle to my wife.
Our drawers are full of calculators, staplers, and scissors (oh yes and pliers), but she now leaves at least one set of each out on the central island in our kitchen.
Always accessible immediately.
As a bachelor, I understand perfectly how this works.
It does make sense, however, to not keep things organised this way once someone else starts living in the same environment. The optimal placement for an object is extremely personal; two people, even two bachelors, cannot expect to share the same placement. And this system is a very fragile balance; an object being moved from its natural place to another place within that "organised mess" can be truly lost for years. So for spaces and objects that are shared with another, be it a woman or another bachelor, putting things "away" in more orderly storage places is indeed a good compromise, as while things might not be placed in their optimal place, they are not going to be truly lost for very long.
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