Your Child Is Not "Amazing"

"Amazing."

Defined by the most convenient link I could find on the internet as:

"1. To affect with great wonder; astonish. See Synonyms at surprise.

2. Obsolete To bewilder; perplex"

So let me tell you why I'm writing this.

I get to live vicariously through my pilot billionaire playboy bachelor friend (well, he's not a billionaire, but I just keep upping his status to provide color and drama to the story).  And while he does frequent the occasional bar, he gets the majority of his dates through Plenty of Fish.

Usually when we hang out and have cigars we are both on our laptops or tablets.  Not out of disrespect for each other, but because we can ACTUALLY "multi-task."  And not in the way women claim they can (which means they do multiple tasks at the same time equally poorly but still trump it as an advantage they have over men), but in a way that we can both effectively converse AND tend to whatever internet-related matters call for our attention at that time.  So while I'm pimping out my internet empire he is constantly surfing "Plenty of Fish."

Admittedly it takes some time to find a quality gal on the site, but he usually does and within a week or two he's usually parading the most recent scantily clad pic the latest 24 year old bimbo sent him.  But that's just the thing.

It takes a LOT of time.

So out of morbid curiosity sometimes I look over his shoulder and watch him surf the ladies throwing themselves out there for the world of men to peruse them.

Most are hideous.

Overweight.  Desperate.  Sad.  Typical Craigslist quality.

Then there are those who aren't desperate.  They're sincere, but no catches themselves.

However, what I get the greatest kick out of is the single moms.  Not because they are single moms, but because the VAST MAJORITY of them use a key word in their profile to describe their children;

"Amazing."

If I had to estimate it (and I'm being serious here) nearly 80% of the profiles I saw of single moms they attributed the attribute of "amazing" to their child/children.

Which I found interesting.

Because, as listed by the definition above, I should have heard of these kids before snooping over my friend's shoulder.

Your kid is "amazing?"

Really?

He/she is able to

"1. To affect with great wonder; astonish. See Synonyms at surprise.

2. Obsolete To bewilder; perplex"

Because that's funny, because the handful of single moms I've dated NOT ONE OF THEIR PRECIOUS LITTLE CHILDREN WERE

"amazing."

I was not "amazed" by any of them.

They never affected upon me "great wonder."

They never "astonished" me.

And not once was I "bewildered or perplexed" by the fact they could memorize multiplication tables, dress themselves, or other such accomplishments some deem "amazing."

Matter of fact, if I do the math right, if 80% of children are "amazing" then the word "amazing" means "mediocre."  Or "normal."  Or "nothing special at all."

Did your kid cure cancer?

Did your kid find an alternative to fossil fuels?

Did your kid even self-teach itself to remove a carburetor by watching youtube videos?

Or, just like every other kid, did it just do some cute shit you found endearing and are now going to slap one of those "My Child is a Great Kid at Joe Blow Elementary" bumper stickers on your car?

Here's some advice.  And this advice is not "Oprah" advice (meaning it'll actually work).  YOu may not like it, but it's real advice which means it will really help you.  Which also means, if you can get past my condescending (though I would claim "tired") tone, you'll realize I'm really actually trying to help you as well.

If you're looking to score a guy on any kind of dating internet site, not only should you stop bragging about your average kid, you should start putting the kid in the back seat.

I know I know, "He/she is #1 in my life."

My friend and a million other suitable bachelors got it.  You're kid is #1.  We don't care.

What are you doing for us?

Parading your kid, bragging about your kid, and lying about the "amazingness" of your kid only sends men the other direction because it sends the clear signal the guy is merely secondary or subservient.

So instead, admit it, you screwed up.  Don't hide it.  You had a kid with the wrong guy and now you have to own up to the fact that kid is a huge liability to your romance life.

Don't yell me.  Don't get angry.  That's human nature.  Most men don't care to raise other men's children.  If you don't like that, then file your complaint with the "Department of Reality."

In the meantime, if you're on a dating site to find a guy (which, if you are on the site, your desires are implied), and you really want to achieve that goal then I suggest tailoring your profile towards the guy.  You needn't NOT mention you have a child (matter of fact most men would be upset if you didn't mention you had a kid), but stop telling them how "amazing" your obviously average child is, and stop posing with your child.  It immediately says you only care about your child and the guy comes second.

Terribly sorry, but that's how it's interpreted.  And you've only yourself to blame for being in this position.