Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Ladies, You May Commence the Pampering

Bad news everyone.

I are sick. I came down with a cold and feel all poopey now. I'm all sniffly and stuffy. And my stomach hurts and stuff.

Of course, most men and young boys don't see any benefit to being sick. However, there is a huge advantage men have in being sick:

Women love to pamper you.

You don't even have to try, you don't even have to request. You just have to make it known you are sick. And once that press release goes out, pretty much every girl in your life will offer some kind of sympathy, if not full blown pampering in the form of food, dotting on you, coming over, cleaning things, etc. etc. It's amazing.

Now you may say this is taking advantage of women, but I actually disagree with that 100%. The reason why is I believe it is a visceral, darwinian, biological response women have when they see a sick man to immediate go into pampering mode. Oh sure they complain about "pampering" you. Or they'll claim you're "spoiled." Oh, they'll whine and put up a huge kerfuffle. But that concerned look in their eye, replete with a gleam, as they're hurriedly making you home made chicken noodle soup betrays them. They care about you and they love being able to take care of you and nurse you back to health.

Of course, the rookie man will just take the pampering that he receives, not realizing there are ways you can maximize and prolong the pampering. The tactics and techniques vary, but all of which will only increase the amount of sympathy, attention and pampering you receive.

First, boys, the key is to look pitiful. Don't just say, "Eh, I got a cold." Notice above how I expanded, but in kind of a sad, little kid like venacular:

I are sick. I came down with a cold and feel all poopey now. I'm all sniffly and stuffy. And my stomach hurts and stuff.

Words and phrases like "poopey" "sniffly" "I are" and "hurts and stuff" is what a little 4 year old boy would say. This only magnifies the genetic response women have to nurture you back to health because you really do look like the pitiful, helpless, sad sap you really are.

Second, if you really are sick, the symptoms will show. This allows you then to kind of go the other route. You still act pitiful, but you "still have to do stuff." You still have to go to work, you still have to work on that presentation, you still have to change the oil, etc. "It's GOTTA get done!" This will only make the woman re-double her efforts to keep you in bed or on-couch. Remember, still look pitiful. Slowly unscrew the cap from the quart of oil. Have a sad puppy dog look on your face as you change the oil filter. Occasionally say in a sad pitiful fashion, "I don't like being sick."

Third, show you care about the girl by expressing your concern you'll make her sick.

"No, I don't want you to get sick. I can make dinner myself, I think I have some Ramen noodles or some pizza crust left over. That should tide me over until I hopefully have enough energy tomorrow to go to the grocery store and get some juice. I think I have some Black Velvet whiskey that can knock me out...don't think I have any cold medicine. Trust me, you don't want what I got."

She'll be over in 10 minutes.

Fourth, reward her in whatever sad pathetic way you can. I always keep a box of crayons in my bachelor pad and draw them a picture. Usually a "thank you" picture with flowers, because you're too weak and pathetic to drive to the florist. Or burn her a CD (which you shouldn't be doing) which will only prompt her to to feel more pity for you.

Fifth, if you are lucky enough to have a kind woman offer to go to the grocery store, when she asks you what you want, you want kid stuff. You don't want "a gallon of juice," you want apple juice in a juice box with bendy straws. You don't want vegetables, you ask, "can I have some ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles. I want sprinkles. Can I have sprinkles?" You don't want milk, you want chocolate milk, the thick kind that's really good and sugary because you like that.

There are other techniques, and I'm sure some of the more experienced men have their favorites, but following these general guidelines should help multiply the amount of pampering you get. Sadly, though, for your Captain, he can not deploy any of these techniques because he is far away from his home and (truthfully) doesn't know any women in his new town. And so, he'll have to suffer this cold all alone, by himself, with no help from anybody. Sniff sniff. It would be really swell if some of the Cappy Cappites of the female persuasion would send him nice comments and e-mails and stuff. Of you could e-mail him pictures so he can maybe imagine he's not alone in his cold, empty, dark, lonely bachelor pad. But that's OK if you don't want to. I understand. I think I can watch some reruns of Leno later tonight or maybe play some solitaire...though my deck of cards only has 48 cards in it. And maybe I'll have a diet Pepsi...that's if there's anything left in the fridge.

Sniff sniff.


Just1X said...

Slightly misandric, but funny and woman gets slapped down

Joan of Argghh! said...


Oh for a FEH. You're sick and whiny? This ain't your momma's basement. This is the battlefield.

Break something and maybe then we'll coo and speak soft comforts to your pains, but a cold?

And here I've been sending all 40 of my fans over here, and you embarrass me with little-boy ploys for attention? If I had a tea towel handy, I'd be snapping it at your lazy, coddled ass, little sister!!

Suck it up and get out there and throw a few punches! I come here for leadership, not pity parties.


Just kidding! I don't do passive.


Enjoy your Pepsi. I won't point out that Pepsi is a sellout to Obama. That will have to do for pampering.


Captain Capitalism said...

Joan, you're not very good at pampering.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Aw, Hell. Lemme try. . .

Get well soon. I'm inspired by your selfless commitment to blog while sick. You really should relax and have someone place a cool cloth on your noble, fevered brow and feed you home-made chicken soup.

Truly, I hate to think of your suffering! So, I won't.

James Wolfe said...

The woman in your life has to have an ounce of compassion in order for that to work. Any time I would have a headache or not feel well, my wife (who is a nurse of all things) would kindly tell me to go take some aspirin. Not even offer to go get it. And if I was sick she'd act like I was deliberately making myself ill in order to inconvenience her. Like could you stop coughing and sneezing? It's really irritating. As cold and heartless as an Ice Queen. Surprisingly our marriage has not been much of a success.

Captain Capitalism said...

As Tom Leykis would say, DTB.

I can understand random women not wanting to pamper you, but jesus, your wife won't? What the hell is the point of having her as a wife?

Unknown said...

Aw, Sweetie, you poor thing! And I sent you my best humor a few posts ago! I should have saved it for a special occasion. Have some soup, drink lots of water, take Mucinex, and sleep it off, 'K?

Captain Capitalism said...

Thanks Suz!

Anonymous said...

Hope you feel better soon, however...

You really shoudn't eat ice cream, pepsi, or anything else with refined sugar/unnatural sweeteners.

Look up the reports - usually that can make you sicker and/or prolong your misery for a few days.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, well my wife could not care less as well. Marriage issues here as well

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