Monday, August 05, 2013

The "How 'Bout You Call People Back" Economic Plan

When I am king there will be many changes. 

I will cut all government funding of liberal arts/humanities college programs.

I will ban sports from all public educational facilities, K-Kolidge.

I will ban omnibus legislation.

I will force, via the military if necessary, term limits AND a total 20 year limit on ALL public service.

I will allow new hunting seasons such as "banker season," "lobbyist season" and "trial lawyer season."

And I will consolidate all forms of taxation into ONE, SINGLE, easily understandable sales tax.

But my economic plan will be very simple.  I call it the

"How 'Bout You F#cking Call People Back"

plan

(or HBYFCPBP).

The reason is simple.  Yes, taxes are a problem.  Yes regulation is a problem.  And yes a lack of skill labor is a problem.  But the single biggest bottleneck I have found that is keeping America's economy from booming at 12% annual RGDP growth per year is the fact that nobody calls people back in a timely or prompt manner.

Matter of fact, very few people call people back at all. 

It isn't until you make 5 or 6 calls to your intended target do you actually get them to call (or e-mail) you back.

For example, I have been trying to buy advertising on various podcasts to help advertise my books.  Podcasts like The Tom Leykis Show, Laura Ingraham, and at least five others.

But if we simplify what I'm doing to an even more basic level, I'm simply asking them if I can give them money.

You would think they'd want to call you back.

But oh, you foolish man.  Don't you know this is modern day America, not the 1940's?  Why, what made you think people would actually WANT TO MAKE MONEY and CALL YOU BACK?  Silly silly man.  This is 2013 America when society has decayed to such a point people are too stupid to call you back.  Not because you're trying to sell them something they don't want.  Not because you offer them nothing worth their time.  No, they won't even call you back WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE THEM MONEY!!!!

No, the ONLY show that has ever called me back is the Tom Leykis Show (which I fully endorse and recommend advertising on).  The rest of them have never gotten back to me (though I am still waiting to hear a response from Gillette Sunday school).

Now think about this.

If ONE out of SEVEN people call you back WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO GIVE THEM MONEY, can you imagine the response rate for things not as beneficial?

What if you need that report from your boss?
What if you need the most recent tax returns of your client?
What if you need to order new machinery parts of your factory?
What if you need a new part because the motorcycle mechanic ordered the wrong one (AGAIN) but won't get back to you?

And what if it takes at least THREE TRIES to get them to get back to you?

Well what happens is the entire economy grinds to a halt and it's amazing there's even any GDP being produced at all.

Thus my HBYFCPBP.

With the HBYFCPBP we essentially take the average person's 8 hour day, and instead of 7 hours and 42 minutes of it waiting on other people who are waiting on other people who are waiting on other people to call them the frick back, I decree you call people back IMMEDIATELY under penalty of death.  And thus, the average worker no longer spends only 18 minutes per day on actual work, while s/he waits 7 hours 42 minutes the rest of the time, but instead is working and producing the full 8 hours a day.

This is a 2,600% increase in production which would boost GDP in the first year alone by an equivalent amount.  Instead of our annual GDP being around $15 trillion, it would be closer to $390 trillion, dwarfing our national debt and pretty much solving all of our economic problems. 

Of course, this would require most Americans not be complete f*cking idiots and maybe develop a little hustle, but since that is more of a 1950's American thing and not a 2013 American thing, I guess we'll just sit here mired in the malaise and rot of the average American worker.

15 comments:

James Wolfe said...

The people who answer the phones in the sales dept are all probably hourly employees, probably all part time to avoid paying benefits. They'll never see a dime of your money so have no interest in pursuing or following up. Or they're so beat down by the system that they've already gone Galt in their mind. They're there in body only. Why work hard making money for someone else? Why make money for yourself to have it all taxed away? Profit is evil. So just let it go. I make enough to get by. I can live with less stuff. Enjoy life now.

MarkyMark said...

Cappy,

Back in the 1980s, I worked at Radio Shack for a brief period of time. Even though sales isn't for me, I remember an interesting rhetorical question posed in the training manual: if you call to inquire about the availability of an item, what was the likelihood you would PATRONIZE that establishment? I know that, in my case, if they have an item I want (particularly a hard to find item), then I'm going! I'll be there as quickly as I can to give 'em my money in exchange for what I want. RS made the point that the phone is a BIG DEAL, and that the salesman should remember that...

MarkyMark

heresolong said...

Hmm. You are making me feel bad. I run a little indy motorcycle shop in my spare time. I don't want a big shop, I have no interest in expanding. I have sufficient customers to improve my lifestyle to where I want it to be. I don't call people back in a timely manner unless I actually have their motorcycle or unless they have an appointment in the near future. Sometimes I just don't feel like listening to messages or talking to people.

However...

I am enjoying the decline. Why should I bust my tail to have the best response rate when I don't want to? I am a damn good mechanic and people come back to me in spite of having to wait for return calls. Their motorcycles are done when promised and done properly. That is what they are really looking for and they can live with my quirks or go elsewhere.

Wait, what? Oh, I don't feel bad anymore.

Thanks, Cappy.

Anonymous said...

When I am king, this nation will only be one thing and one thing only, ONE GIANT MILITARY and war will be it's only industry.

WhiteKnight said...

I actually would leave off the "banker season", and the problem of lobbyists is better solved by not permitting the state to have the power to issue economic regulations in the first place.
Trial lawyer season, however, will be observed.

Anonymous said...

When I'm king, I will put all the money in the world, even all my own money, in the military and I will go to war against the God of gods and the laws of nature.

Rumbear said...

and "trial lawyer season."

I have a lawsuit and I am not afraid to use it. Just saying....

heresolong said...

Good point WK. Lobbyists were not an issue when our government was limited. If government doesn't affect your business, there is no reason to pay an expensive lobbyist to keep them from affecting your business, in either a positive or negative manner.

IMHO limited government, not small government is the optimal situation for the health and well being of our country.

Anonymous said...

it used to be part of corp culture that you were expected to return calls or you got in trouble

now, no one cares; everyone avoids phone calls because answering the phone means you have to engage in a conversation and use your brain and make decisions...

better to let it go to voicemail and ck your FB status updates

of course US biz (once a model to the world) now sucks

wanderling said...

Maybe they don't want you advertising on their shows.

For sure they googled you, they would have found this blog easily, and then maybe they thought you don't fit their target market. Or they just couldn't be bothered calling you back because they are busy with other calls offering to buy more airspace than you are.
Then again a lot of people are also stupid. Maybe they're busy on facebook or tweeting.

Cash Bailey said...

People are getting weirder and lots of them seem to be allergic to talking on the phone. Maybe theyre afraid of saying something stupid. I have this problem all the time and what I've found is these admin/support/sales people, especially those under thirty, want to correspond via email. It's often much less efficient than a simple phone call and it pisses me off.

Aurini said...

When I'm full of gumption, I'm very prone to calling, or even showing up in person when suppliers aren't getting back to me. I've done this for my personal life, as well as for corporations. The response is hilarious: guilt mixed with terror. You can see it in their eyes, "Should I phone the police?" And no, I'm not being rude or aggressive - I'm usually very friendly, but I'm lighting a fire under their ass.

This "I'll respond when I feel like it" mentality seems to be built-in to the modern business ethos. How many new companies have phone numbers you can reach them at? Even service providers waste your time with automated phone services, trying to divert you into sending an email instead of resolving the problem with a living person.

To steal a word from Less Wrong, we've traded gumption for akrasia; hell, even I'm guilty of it. Something about modern culture just crushes gumption.

Cara said...

As a business owner and the head of a business networking group, I feel your pain. I fully understand why the employees of a government or large corporation can't be bothered getting back to you, since the incentive to do so is practically nil. They are in positions that almost mandate incompetency. However, when dealing with other business owners who are allegedly promoting their businesses and you can't get basic participation in the process, you have to wonder. I thought the economic crash would at least be a boost to the quality of customer services, but apparently not.

Anonymous said...

"When I am king there will be many changes."

"Everyone's alright with a dictatorship, as long as they're the dictator."

;)


Richard Cranium said...

My former business partner had this annoying trait of treating potential business contacts like it was a Leykis 101 game with some girl he met at a Buffalo Wild Wings happy hour.

He'd wait a couple of weeks or so and contact them with a "who are you again and why are we talking?" schtick because he thought it would make him appear to be so busy and in demand & had so many connections he couldn't keep track of them all.

It was infuriating to say the least and rarely if ever had the desired effect.

One of the reasons he's a former partner.