Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tax the "Like" Girls

I'm here at the coffee store. And I swear to Christ this book would have been done three months ago if it wasn't for the "like" girls.

Two high school girls have just come in.

"Like, I don't know this girl, but she like, came up to my boyfriend and was like, "wait, what are you like doing with him?"

And "like" this and "like" that.

And like, I'm sure, like you'll kindof, you know, ummm, like find something to do.

Edgar Allen Poe couldn't have even written in such an environment.

Thus, I propose we treat the "like" girls as a negative externality.

Who knows how much production, creativity and innovation has been destroyed as great minds try to do great things and are then abruptly interrupted with some nonsensical blathering teen telling pointless stories where akin to Chinese water torture every time you hear the word "like" your pain and suffering trebles.

LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE
LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE

So, "like" negative externalities, we should tax the "like" girls.

I propose a $5 per/like tax

Every time a girl (or boy) says an unnecessary "like" during conversation, they are taxed $5.

So for example the following sentence;

"So, like, I was like, trying to you know, like, write a book. Then like these two ditzy, like, high school girls came in and started like, saying "like" before every sentence. It was like, totally annoying."

You would be charged $35 for the abuse of the word like.

I think this tax would not only improve the younger generation's English skills, but given the frequency of abuse and the deep pockets of daddy, we could shore up social security and fund the Iraq war.

Time to go find a quiet library...wow, that's the first real use I've seen for a library in years. Silence.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wait a second, they like... still have libraries?

she said: said...

"Like" is so retro! I used that when I was a teen. I'm taxed plenty now.. so ease up on the like girls. They might make up for it on the back end.

Anonymous said...

Like, get over it! Duh!

Cheque's in the mail...

Captain Capitalism said...

Sheldon,

Yeah, my goal is that once I'm done writing the book and some minor other projects, I'm going to go to the library and read all the comic books like Foxtrot and Calvin and Hobbes and Bloom County.

She Said,

Duly noted. Let me know if you find any willing to make it up on the back end.

Frank,

Yes, yes, always pushing my buttons. So $5 US is about , 30 cents Aussie with our crappy exchange rate?

Alfred T. Mahan said...

Ha! Captain, you couldn't finish a book in any way, shape or form in three years, let alone three months, so quit blaming the annoyances of the "Like Girls".

I speak from experience.

Anonymous said...

Compounding the abuse of "like", is the shallow subjects these young "princesses" speak.

While we're at it, let's fine Obama 100 bucks everytime he says "you know" in an interview.

Fortitudine said...

I've been in precisely the same situation, Cap'n, and I empathize. The dreaded "Like Girls" tend to frequent the more trendy Starbucks outlets and, don't get me wrong, they're intensely irritating. But, in time, one can work through the vacuity. I've always found the "Pompous Thirty-Somethings Talking About Politics," however, to be my most formidable enemy. Found most often in a Timothy's, the "PTSTAP" often waxes eloquent on the implications of anthropogenic global warming for this year's soy bean crop and tends to melodramatically conclude, "Oh, if only people would listen to me!" If you encounter the PTSTAP, leave the establishment immediately. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $100. There is no working through the vapid chatter of these hipsters-cum-philosophers. The nice thing about the PTSTAP, however, is that they rarely resort to "like" in their sentences.

eris said...

i have, like, a condition