Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Most Clean Cleans

Since the age of 18 I have managed, without female intervention or supervision, to

bathe regularly,
floss and brush my teeth,
prevent myself from starving,
clean my humble abode,
do laundry,
not starve

and a whole host of other things that have kept me alive and in reasonably good physical condition and health.

Enter the ladies.

Not one girl in the history of girls could just leave my place well enough alone.

No this must be cleaned.

No this must be put away.

No these clothes must be folded (which I know for a fact they don't because I haven't folded clothes since 1993 and the world has yet to spontaneously explode).

So permit me a new rule in the little lexicon of Cappy Cap;

"The most cleansed cleans."

You see, I clean to a standard that I find is necessary and eliminates biological messes and threats.  Ergo the toilet is normally cleaned as is the sink, but the papers on my desk are not.  The showed is scrubbed down with bleach when needed, but the clothes will remain in their respective "clean" and "dirty" piles until I do laundry.

Naturally this upsets those of the female persuasion.

"Why doesn't he KNOW that's NOT where the clothes go!!"

"Doesn't he KNOW that's NOT how papers should be stacked!!!?"

So the answer is simple - "If it's bothering you that much, then clean."

This rule solves that vast majority of domestic excuses between the men and the ladies.  If you don't like the standards of a certain aspect of the house, then by all means upgrade it to your satisfaction.  It's already up to mine, ergo, any further cleanliness is up to you.

But don't be so quick to think it is a cheap way for men to get out of cleaning.  Consider the maintenance of the house and other fixed assets.

If left to the devices of women oil would be changed once every 63,000 miles and air filters never.  The roof would be curled and warped as the shingles would be approaching 80 years old.  And siding would be falling off as the first brisk fall breeze would come through.  It is merely an issue of who has the lowest tolerance that determines who does what work.

Thus, instead of fighting and complaining, perhaps everybody should clean, maintain and do chores to their own personal level and not somehow view this as somebody too damn lazy to do it and thus "being their slave."

This has been a PSA from Cappy Cap.


Southern Man said...

There's "clean" and there's "cluttered." My place is clean (no food trash, no dirt) and cluttered (papers and books and computers and whatever scattered all over the place). It works just fine for me but it makes me a little nuts when my daughter says "Your car is dirty" (when it's just cluttered) and then tosses a fast-food sandwich wrapper on the floor.

Stingray said...

If you don't like the standards of a certain aspect of the house, then by all means upgrade it to your satisfaction.

I have come to the conclusion that this must be rocket science because it is so darned difficult for a lot of people to understand.

Bob Wallace said...

I had a girlfriend who throw most of my clothes away - and threw away my shoes and underwear - and bought me new stuff. Then she scrubbed my car, screaming, "Dirt! Dirt! Look at all this DIRT!!!"

Pete Brewster said...

Captain, please reassure me that at some point in time you've actually seen the living quarters of a single woman?

Left to their own devices they won't lift a finger to clean the place up or pay a maid service out of their own pockets to do it for them, much less stop their car from turning into a death trap. The awful truth is that unless another woman (such as her mother) is likely to see the place and tell anybody who will listen that she's a slob, your typical woman could not care less that she lives in a pigsty.

She just wants an excuse to be able to yell at her house beta (because she's not nearly hot enough to get away with telling her boss in the HR department, who insists she stop watching cat videos and do her GDed job, to kiss her enormous ass), and keep him occupied at all times so he doesn't have any time to figure out that an escort service would be much cheaper in the long run.

Anonymous said...

What do you do when you have a feminist mother ?

I hope I don't because I was not born in the west. But this topic remembers me of my mother, and I can not get rid of parents because I live with them, - and even poor parents want to have children. I am lucky I was not born in India.

But wait, the population will grow... 2030.. Who will pay the cost of those unemployed children ? I will not, because I can barely pay my living. Only that I dont have a home that I own and still have to suffer one woman. At least I hope is not as worse as having legal obligations to a wife.

earl said...

I have a routine where I do the normal cleaning of my place. It takes me a grand total of around 2-3 hours a week.

Granted I live by myself but when women go off on housework I think:

a) It's not hard work compared to the other stuff I have to do

b) It's not something worth complaining about

I can even listen to ole Billy Red Face chat on his podcast while I'm scrubbing the shower and laugh while I work.

Dan Lavatan said...

I think it makes sense to reach a service-level agreement on such things and I know many women who would not clean anything under any conceivable set of circumstances which makes it unfeasible to use things such as dishes.

You should be able to get 100 years out of a slate roof, and I
would not normally consider siding an acceptable building material. Filter/oil changes take only a few minutes per year, with the bulk of that time spent ordering parts so general cleaning is probably more important to agree on.

Ecclesiastes said...

the rule at my house for "helpful suggestions" is: Really? So do it.

If whoever doesn't think the idea is worth their time and effort then I certainly am not going to give it any weight.

For instance:
"You ought to have a garden."
"The room would work better if that was over there."
"Why don't you bake your own bread?"

I guarantee that if the idea involves a mop or a shovel, she'll shut up.

Anonymous said...

"Female driven" = Prepare for complete rebuild

dannyfrom504 said...

i told one of the girls the other night when she complained about the disarray that is my bedroom, "then clena it. it doesn't bother me."

she never brought it up again. when she pays the $1285 a month note, she can tell me what to do. til then, take it or leave it toots.

Wilko said...

I have to agree with Pete, the last six years of dating have shattered a lot of preconceptions I had about the domestic (in)ability of modern women. My place is pretty damn tidy anyway, but if I think there's the remotest chance that I'll be "entertaining company" then I make sure it's immaculate. But holy crap, the state of some women's places I've been invited back to.

I'll never forget L though, she made quite an impression even if we parted on less than amiable terms; nicely kept place, even made me a meal or two. Can you believe that, one girl in six years? That's all it takes to stand out these days, sigh.

Really great manifestation of this is profile photos. Today's women (I'm generalising wildly, I know) don't feel the least bit of shame posting a selfie in the messiest of bedrooms. Now why is that fellas, why would they feel they can get away with that? Why aren't they concerned that it would hurt their chances of finding a mate?

Yeah, I'm looking at the men folk here.

Because "we" flood them with messages and contact requests regardless. Get some goddamned standards guys, exercise some integrity.

Anonymous said...

Cappy hasnt lived with a woman in a while... women clean by throwing things away. Its easier to throw it away than to find a place for it. Those stacked papers? more like trashed papers... folded clothes? you mean whats left of them.... This is one reason why women are the biggest consumers. These days they dont really clean as they "upgrade"

Anonymous said...

With regard to laundry, I'll recommend a drying rack for anyone willing to experiment. I get to skip the dryer, the folding, and the worrying about wrinkles for the most part. Just treat it like an open air closet.

I can't say that it really appeases the ladies, but what can you do?