Wednesday, January 15, 2014

How Poverty Arrests the Development of Game

It is without the slightest milligram of shame or embarassment that I will readily admit that I never got laid in college,

Not once.

And the reason I can admit this to an audience that would otherwise use such a fact as proof that I had no game, I’m a poser, I’m a keyboard jockey, etc., is because of a credible excuse:

It literally was a choice between food/rent or sex.

Tough of a choice as that may sound, invariably even the horniest of horn dogs will be forced to choose food over sex because of the simple fact you need food to live.  You technically don’t need sex.  And I was in such a situation.

You all know the story.  Full time work, full time school, no parental or government support, yada yada, yada, but the end result was that I was too busy working and supporting myself to  have the social life necessary to score a little play on the side.

Were there some close calls?


Was there that stereotypical girl who “just didn’t know” by the second date?

Of course.

And did I make it to a party with inebriated women?


But in the end, I would have to either go to work, go to bed, study, or remain sober for that same night’s shift.  None of which is conducive to being laid.

Naturally, when I graduated this all changed.  Without having to work an effective 90 hour work week, I could focus on building a social life.  My dancing career certainly helped, acting as a steroid, boosting my charm with the ladies, and for most of my mid to late twenties I made up for lost time.  But that was just it, I was making up for lost time.  Though only delayed by 4 years, that was enough time for me to realize I was still behind the curve when it came to game.  Worse still, I didn’t get it out of my system like most men did by their late 20’s, and so while men were slowly starting to get married off, I was not prepared to settle down.  I still needed more notches in my belt.

This ended up costing me greatly.  For while I may not have been ready to settle down, the rest of my effective generation was.  And the girl I was dating at the time, who would have made a quality candidate for marriage and saved me great angst and bullshit from future floozies, inevitably stopped waiting for me to come around and found someone else.

That was the rude awakening I needed to realize that no matter what poor lot in life I drew, it didn’t change that the rest of society, the rest of my generation, my environment, didn’t care.  It was moving on without me.  They all got it “out of their systems” from 16-24, and entitled or not, in me insisting I also get it out of my system, my strategy was no longer conducive to the environment I was in and only served to hurt me.  My game had suffered from arrested development.

Sadly, there is no solution to this situation except to realize it.  Many young men, especially in today’s generation, are going to be brought up poor.  They will not have the luxuries their generational peers have, and because of this they will have to focus on the lower requirements on Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs (safety, food, health, finances) before moving onto the loftier ones (sex, friendship, self actualization, etc., just look it up).  Because of this, their ability to game, interact, and score with women will be stunted or put on “hold” while they try to scrape up enough bucks to pay for rent.  But when they do inevitably get to the point their finances are stable, they don’t need to work two jobs, and they can start to enjoy a social life, they will enter the courting/sexual market with underdeveloped skills or at least outdated goals and ideas.  The trick is for you to realize whether or not you are one of these people and have the intellectual temerity to set aside “what you lost during your youth,” and accept and realize what the realities of your current dating/sexual market are.


Alex said...

Too painful.

I have just turned 26 and while it has only been a few months that I have been able to find the time for some sort of social life, my peers are all getting married. I, on the other hand, have virtually no experience with girls, all of whom are now looking to settle down afer getting it out of their system.

SM777 said...

I never married, nor had children and I'm 49. Regrets? Not a single one. I have seen too many men get screwed by the divorce court system.

Vagimony anyone?

I have most of my hair and I am in shape, therefore, I can get laid by fairly attractive women anytime I want. Why is that? Because women begin to outnumber men at 35. I have no competition.

Because I never married, nor had kids, I have no debts and plenty of money to do whatever I want.

In the 21st Century western world, marriage is really a bad and risky idea.

You can still have meaningful friendships. Want kids? Get a good dog. Want to work with kids and not risk false charges of child molesting? Volunteer for the SPCA.

Torgo said...

"The stone cannot know why the chisel cleaves it; the iron cannot know why the fire scorches it. When thy life is cleft and scorched, when death and despair leap at thee, beat not thy breast and curse thy evil fate, but thank The Builder for the trials that shape thee." -The Hammer Book of Tenets

Your early days of bitter struggle have made you a better man, Cap. In my case, I sacrificed a normal male high school sexual/social life in order to gain admission to an elite university, where I was immersed in a peer group of young men from much wealthier families who had no need to make such a sacrifice and who therefore were able to develop the gift of gab with females and therefore gain confidence in a positive feedback loop of success. As opposed to the downward spiral that I experienced. But in any case, surviving this sexual drought without succumbing to self-medication has enabled me to truly say that (to quote "An Officer and a Gentleman") nothing hurts anymore, which is nice, and it is much easier to go my own way now that I'm in my 40s.

Peregrine John said...

Funny how there is precious little practical difference between "getting [something] out of your system" and "burning out early."

What if a continued interest in living (as opposed to merely plodding along) is a result not of insufficient partying to satisfaction of some internal appetite, but of not overdoing it and thus retaining a healthy liveliness?

What if it's not immaturity, but longevity?

Dreamer said...

This is scary for me. Hits my own fears of changing environment amongst my own peers as I enter the dead center of the 20's and it won't be that long till I'm another upper 20's and etc. While my background did grew up poor, I was not on survival made in the college years. Yet, I did not develop enough to say my goals and ideas to evolve either.

It brings up two issues. One diverging goals and ideas as you said. The second is going for girls in the late 20's with except the extreme few who that was shut-in generally now have much more "mileage".

No longer one of early experiences or even the first when in the early 20's with said girls. If sticking the same peer, most is going to have memories of many before. Now just another guy in a line of many. Add a goal of looking to settle and now have wonder to if she have the same feeling for such a guy versus those before whom it only about attraction.

The one sidestep to those two problems is just date younger. Which is pretty common anyways. I know that gets harder in the 30's, but when still in the upper 20's, that still works. At least it minimize the second problem I noted if it does absolve the first problem with more time.

jaericho said...

@Alex "Too painful."

I hear ya there Alex. I'm near 33 and in a similar boat. I'm not trying to one-up you on the age count, just trying to say I empathize.

The Cap it completely accurate on this one. But at least the red pill makes us realize what our situation is and we're not blindly wondering what the hell is going on.

Anonymous said...

I am beginning to suspect that MOST of us are in that boat. Our generation was sans internet, so our sources of information were observation and femenist "nice guy" brainwashing. A natural in high school did just fine with the ladies (top 5-10%), the rest of us guys got next to nothing. This hasnt changed, but the ability to actually LEARN what is going on and ADAPT to it is now there with game sites, books, etc.

For women to get laid they have to show up and lower thier standards. And for some reason, they all think its that easy for the guys too. Socializing with women is an Actual SKILL for men, and without practice and repetition it never develops or grows.

But we do get to practice a hell of a lot of going our own way, doing our own thing, and generally learning to deal with being ignored by women. By the time the ladies are ready to "settle" with the less natural guys, we have had YEARS of practice at not giving a shit about them, and this trend is only going to continue downhill for the ladies.

CA3 said...

Yea... I sort of feel bad about pursuing an education while taking a several year long hiatus from the pursuit of pussy, too. It's even worse about doing all that while staying out of crippling debt and building an understanding of how to manage my finances and developing skills that empower me. Ya know, it really gets me that as my male peers are finding themselves struggling to keep their sanity together in the aftermath of the separation or divorce their wife initiated, their former spouses are trying to hook some other poor sap before they're even divorced.

Yea... I'm really feeling bad about that.

T said...

It is a little heartening for me to read these comments.

I'm 29 and have done things completely backwards. 4.5 year relationship from 16, started average and ended an anxious, overweight beta.

Have improved myself hugely, and much happier now, but earlier experience has taught a hard lesson and not had a LTR since, and very little exposure/practice.

As you guys say, everyone is suddenly pairing off. I have no desire for marriage or kids, but at the moment life feels very strange/directionless.

Leif said...

An excellent post!

Sean said...

"and accept and realize what the realities of your current dating/sexual market are. "

Thank God I am a very, very strong INTJ.

As I told you Cap on our hike I'm not interested in having any relationship with a women. If one just happens in my lap so-to-speak great - let's fuck baby - else I am a very real MGHOW.

It also helps that I have lived alone for almost 20 years now and love it (I'm almost 41). I can not think of ever having to share or put up with anybody else in my place (that I paid cash - $30k in a decent neighborhood and #370/yr in prop taxes and I live on < 1/3 of my net pay)

In another time I probably would have become a monk living in very rural America.

As for the sex urge I've noticed in the past 12ish months that it has decreased even though my T levels are great and I feel better now than I did when I was 17!

I do yoga every day and hike and bike too and that really helps with my very happy demeanor/personality and lifestyle. I also eat a very, very, very, very strict paleo type of diet.

It's funny you said one time in a podcast that men who lose their virginity at a late age in life seem to always prefer a quick masturbation session to real sex. I personally find that very true. All the energy you have to expend just to get a chick back to my place vs 'rubbing one out' quickly - their is no contest!

Anonymous said...

Don't worry, half the people who got married in their 20's will be divorced by the time they're in their 30's or 40's. And of the remainder, what percentage of those marriages will be happy? This is because people getting married like lemmings: without any thought to why they are doing what they are doing. It's better to go into it with some maturity, and with your eyes wide open.

Masquerading Marauder said...

dude total downer man. what the fuck captain? the best time to get it out of your system is late. its like the infantrymen who doesnt jump out of the trench with the rest of his platoon because he has to load his rifle. he gets to watch them all get mowed down. starting late lets you learn from other peoples mistakes. i guarantee you if i had been out with mah boys at 19 id be married (or divorced or father to 3 illegitemate children with different mothers...) just like them.

besides, "arrested development" just means that im getting it out my system with younger, prettier girls. no real bachelor fucks hags and no hags fuck bachelors. divorcees fuck divorcees, married couples fuck each other and their secretaries/bosses, and bachelors fuck girls aged 18-35(TOPS!), 16 in mexico.

Anonymous said...

This is pretty much what happened to me, but I suspect I am older than most here. Got my first color TV at 26! Tried to make up for lost action, but by 35 decided to settle down. Got married, had kids.

Having kids brought meaning to my life. But I will recommend to my son never to get married. Not in this world; the risks of losing everything is just too great.

Get a good job, stay fit, do not get married. Don't even move in with your GF.