Thursday, April 09, 2015

When the "Good Men" Retire from The Game

I was on the south side of the metro.  Was no reason to try to battle my way back home during the depths of rush hour, so I drove around, stopping in on different southern-metro friends, even got myself a cigar at one of my favorite cigar lounges.

The GF wasn't getting back till later as she was working for a side client that evening, so I decided to stop by and visit my buddy Craig.  It wasn't much past 8 PM, but you would have thought it was 3 AM when he answered the door.  He was in his plaid pajamas, wearing his old man slippers, and a fleece sweatshirt, I think he even had a cup of tea in his hand. 

Regardless, he was awake and not about to go to bed so we stayed up and chatted a bit.  Talked about his various business ventures, any new ideas he had or was pursuing, and what his financial game plan was for the next 10 years.  We spent nearly an hour discussing nearly every other social, political, career, and entrepreneurial aspect of his life, until I almost forgot that he recently became a bachelor and I never inquired about his dating life.

"So, any word from the girly girl front?"

And all he said was, "No, I have absolutely no energy for that.  I just want to pay the mortgage and go hunting."

And that was it.  That was the summation of his past year of dating life.  "No, I don't have the energy."

It wasn't an editorial comment.  It wasn't one of "I tried, but dem womenz be crazies."  It had no passion or emotion in it.  It was merely a statement of fact:

"No, I don't have the energy for it."

And though I had intuitively known this for a while, it was once again one of those things that had yet to make its way to the frontal lobes, turning itself into a concrete observation.

Men do burn out.

I had speculated about this before.  A theory about whether men have "unlimited energy" when it comes to the pursuit of women, or if there's a finite amount of energy and men will inevitably stop their pursuit.  And though speculate I did a few short years ago, in that time I've gained the experience, observation, and wisdom to realize the later is true.  Men only have a limited amount of energy.  And my friend Craig was proof of it.

Of course, while the fact men do burn out had consequences for my friend Craig, they also have consequences for women in his market.  For while Craig was sitting at home in his PJ's, sipping away at tea, preparing for a speech he had to give the next day at 8PM, it also, by necessary default, meant he wasn't at the bar or the club or online trying to pine for the affections of women.  He wasn't asking women out.  There was one less man on the market.  And one of those proverbial "good men" women are always looking for.

This made for an interesting juxtaposition, for while Craig was sitting there, comfy in his plaid PJ's and old man slippers, he conveyed to me the story of when he last went out socially.  He met up with some old high school buddies of his, mostly of the female persuasion.  They were all in their mid 40's, but while he was focused on work, his career, and various professional associations he joined, the women were all divorced, all had their children at the baby sitters and were living it up like they were 24 again.  Boozing, drinking "woooing."  He said, "I just don't get it.  I did that shit when I was 24.  It's the last thing I'd want to do now!  And here they are thinking it's fun or something."  He didn't leave in disgust, but because of boredom and having "been there done that."

However, the utter lack of anything genuine or intellectually stimulating ultimately led him to the observation and an explanation why he stayed in and had no incentive to even try to go out to date:

The amount of investment required to be successful in dating was not worth what he'd get in return.  And that is why this "Good Man" (TM) was at home with his tea, instead of out there looking in the dating market.  It is also why many 40+ women "can't find a good man."

In the eternal quest for women to "find a good man" and then immediately complaint of "why can't I find a good man" the answer, as always, can be found in economics.

Today, millions of 40 something men like Craig have to face a decision.  Do they spend the time, money, and resources pursuing women or do they invest those resources in something else.  And while at the age of 18 with hormones raging and economic opportunity costs near $0, the decision was a simple one - chase girls, at the age of 43 things are different.

At 43 men have garnered more and more economic success and more and more economic opportunities.  They have also likely develop hobbies, skills, and intellectual endeavors that also provide a positive rate of return on their lives.  And let's not forget they're no longer 19 year old horn-balls raging around the prairie. 

So when they look at what it precisely takes to get a woman on a date, let alone in bed, the costs are daunting:

10 hours a week hitting the clubs/dating sites/"hunting" in general
4,000 calories of energy being witty/funny/engaging to convince a girl to go out on a date
1/4 dates will flake, bail, cancel at the last minute
What dates you do have only stand a 30% chance of leading to a second
The second dates of which only have a 30% chance of leading to a third
And then the "lovely" last-minute-resistance of having sex

All in all you're looking at 2 weeks of labor, time, and money to "maybe" get laid, and that says nothing about whether the girl would qualify as long-term quality girlfriend material.

And while at the age of 18 when you literally had NOTHING else going on in life, no real man of any significance is going to have that much time to piss away on an investment with such a low expected rate of return in his 40's. 

In other words, ladies, the men are just plain burnt out.  They're spent.  When presented with the required investment to "maybe" be successful pursuing a girl, most men post 35 will scoff at it and do something else, hoping something lands in their lap.  And while you may not like that, or may find it "insulting," none of that changes the fact it's true.  The "good men" you are looking for are at home or at the office, and just plain don't have the energy any more to pursue you.

This means, as all major economic upheavals in markets do, that its participants change their actions.  "Wooing" it up at the bar, getting hammered at 43 while your dad subsidizes your child and mortgage is not a product that's going to get an industrious middle aged man to pursue you.  Going to the same old bar and club where the same old guys and men from 1994 using the same old "can I buy you a drink" tactic is going to result in the same results you had the past 20 years.  And wearing the same old clothes, whoring it up, will result in that one night fling you'll fakely claim you regret, but certainly not the "good man" you're looking for. 

Ultimately, you're going to realize that you get to live up to the feminist dream of being truly equal to men now.  You get to hunt, you get to strategize, you get to trial and error your way into finding a "good man."  And while you'll rapidly point out that men are thirsty at the bar for you, and your POF profile is full of e-mails (and that is all certainly true), we all know those aren't the "Good Men" you're looking for because you would have snagged one of them by now and would CERTAINLY not be complaining about the "lack of good men" today. 

So sorry girls.  Once more unto the breach....well, for you it will be the very first time.


grey enlightenment said...

that's why the MGTOW aren't bothering with women. not worth the time and energy and financial commitment.

Anonymous said...

The bars have never been a good place to find a good man - or woman. How about the folks you meet while getting on with your life? They're at work, church, and all the places where you pursue your interests, hobbies, and errands.

Black Poison Soul said...

These 40-something divorced whores who are "whoo"ing it up at the bars don't deserve a good man. Or any man. They already threw one man away, they'll do it again.

Your mate Craig is sensible. Why subject yourself to that meat-grinder?

One Fat Oz Guy said...

Wouldn't touch a woman at work OR church. If things go south and she turns nasty then you risk her poisoning your career or church life.
Better to just go speed dating and only tick yes on women you can see fit in your life.
That said, last time I went speed dating they were clearly short of women and had planted a few. They must have even seen to it the plants followed up with a date because I got one but she behaved like she didn't want to be there so I left early.
I still regret not asked her if she was a plant.
I can't offer alternatives, but I do know where I'd steer clear of them.
Source: a guy I know (the pastor's own son!) was kicked out of his church after a relationship gone bad and another guy was pressured into making a working relationship work after his late-30s colleague got pregnant. Oops.
Had the work guy done what he wanted to the office would have turned on him since he'd been there a few years less than her and her uncle was a Senior Manager in the company.

Anonymous said...

I can relate this this. Divorced nearly ten years ago and since then I've had girlfriends, but there's no way I'll ever fully commit again.

The cost/benefit analysis simply doesn't stack up.

I'm an "on paper millionaire" after recovering financially from my train wreck of a failed marriage, which left me in 250k of debt.

I have so many hobbies, I suffer "stress" choosing how I spend my free time.

Sure, my testosterone has waned a little, but I still love sex as much as any other man. But pursuing a long term relation$hit?

Just. Not. Worth. It.


Torgo said...

When I'm not wallowing in my own filth, this 46-yr-old MGTOW enjoys his work and attracts the interest of clients like the cardiac oncologist NAWALT I ate pie with recently. But chasing after (or even approaching) women my age? Never!

Johnny Nimble said...

I hold all these truths to be self evident. I've been ducked out since 25, which some might consider wayyy too young, but you get burnt enough and poke your head up to take an objective look, and it's just not worth the trouble.

I have my cars, and my hobbies, and should anything come along I won't actively avoid it, but I'm not looking. Not for a minute.

cdw said...

I have to say that none are found in churches. When I show up at a church, usually with my elderly aunt, there might as well be a stripper pole in the foyer, the women come running and throw themselves at me like common harlots.

daryl said...

nailed it...

Anonymous said...

Hate to call attention to the elephant in the living room, Cappy,

..but it's clear to me that your bud Craig has gone MGTOW.

And yes - it *is* all about economics.
The 40-something party babes have pretty much priced themselves out of the market.

Matt said...

@ Anonymous (2:22)

"How about the folks you meet while getting on with your life? They're at work, church, and all the places where you pursue your interests, hobbies, and errands."

The problem is, "don't shit where you eat" applies to any and all areas of life that have any importance in a man's life, not just work. All it takes is one girl's hamster to label you a creep, and you're screwed.

In addition, anymore the girls you meet in these places aren't any better than what you find in a bar...and in many cases, they're the exact same women.

J said...

Cap'n C,

Great post. You are definitely onto something here. It's hard to maintain the energy/enthusiasm for pursuing the ladies. Tired of the flakiness, entitlement, etc.

Agree with the previous comment that the best way to find em is through everyday life: work, church, etc. This probably isn't happening as much as did in the past though as people are living more disconnected lives today.

Also, the more attractive ladies are generally more interested in attention than relationships. Many of us are no longer interested in providing their narcissistic supply.

98abaile said...

The calibre of women have gone down while the cost has gone up. Anyone with a brain cell could figure out what that will lead to, or at least they should be able to (it boggles the mind that we still don't teach basic economics in school).

James Wolfe said...

With the invention of the front facing camera women's true nature has become self evident. They love only themselves. Time and money spent on them is totally wasted. You are sacrificing a portion of your life simply for their entertainment. They have no attention span and will be bored with you and on to the next shiny object in the blink of an eye. Let them whoop and holler in their 40's about their freedom and independence. They can't fix a toaster or hang up a picture without the help of a man but by God they are empowered women! The worst problem I have in my life now is too many hobbies and not enough time. That's a problem I can live with.

Anonymous said...

A lot of evidence that church is the last place to look. Women with N-counts which require Scientific Notation once they decide to get a beta husband and let him pay for kids after the divorce, all buy a nice Christian girl dress and go to church.

Scope out Dalrock's blog on Churchianity.

Also, Christians have the same divorce rate as others, some say even higher.

Anonymous Age 72

Joe said...

I gave up on broads when I was 34.

Whatever. Ain't no thang.

Faithless Cynic said...

Instead of spending all that money on a date with little chance of success ( success = Orgasm ) Take the 200 bucks you would have blown and go to a massage parlor, where happy endings are guaranteed :-) Just be careful

liberranter said...

In other words, ladies, the men are just plain burnt out. They're spent.

Cue "man up!" shaming language here.

Anonymous said...

And another thing....I know I'm about to get some hackles up, but here goes. A lot of guys look for a gorgeous woman, many years their junior. These women are generally polite, but think the man ridiculous for trying to go after women young enough to be their daughters or worse. There's lots of "less than perfect" women, with some substance. Get to know them first. Don't think like they are only there for your fulfillment. Take a look in the mirror. What could you do to be your best and attract the right kind of woman?

Anonymous said...

As a person who literally spend 5 days in the ward due to burnout (and other stuff), yeah, it is possible to run out of energy and desire. and as you get older, it reduces even more.

Torgo said...

@ Anonymous 6:12 PM

"A lot of guys look for a gorgeous woman, many years their junior. These women are generally polite, but think the man ridiculous for trying to go after women young enough to be their daughters or worse."

"Or worse"? The happiest married couple I have ever met was/were my friends Bill and Sue, with Bill 20 yrs older, married when Bill was 44 and Sue only 24. At Sue's memorial service after her death at the young age of 54, a woman tearfully spoke of how the example of Bill and Sue (and their happy marriage, the tender way they treated each other, etc.) gave her the only glimmer of romantic hope she had in this life after being raised by parents in a bad marriage.

People kill themselves because of hopelessness, so it's fair to say that this "ridiculous" marriage may have saved a life until the wheel of fortune turned favorable for this person. There is nothing ridiculous about people feeling attraction or any other bond with another person of another generation. I will never ask a man to apologize for this.

joshpres said...

damn you sound bitter!

I might be still in my 20's but dating and getting laid is NO WAY as expensive and time consuming as you make it.

You can go to a bar, pick up a chick and have a one night stand for nearly no money at all

Imnobody said...

You can go to a bar, pick up a chick and have a one night stand for nearly no money at all

Being in your 20s, I guess this must be your definition of paradise.

Having to go to bars to sleep with vapid sluts? No thanks. Been there, done that, moved on.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't matter anymore. The minute men started worrying less about what women think the sooner the whole the whole thing collapses.

Anonymous said...

I stopped dating at 29 (almost 20 years ago). Mainly because I didn't have the kind of money or status most women want/demand. Today, I still don't really have any status but do have money and would rather spend it on strippers. It's cheaper than a wife.

joshpres said...

"do have money and would rather spend it on strippers"

c'mon, having sex with a prostitute is nothing like having sex with a real woman!

tacomaster said...

My friends in their twenties and early thirties are already at this point. They just don't care to waste their time, money, or energy on potential pussy. These aren't beta guys either. They are a wide range of guys with great careers and money to spend, but just bored/frustrated/could give two f**ks about American women. I'm glad others are seeing this trend as well.

tacomaster said...

My friends in their twenties are already at this point. They just don't care to waste their time, money, or energy on potential pussy. These aren't beta guys either. They are a wide range of guys with great careers and money to spend, but just bored/frustrated/could give two f**ks about American women. I'm glad others are seeing this trend as well.

Shortest Straw said...

This X 1,000 when you get in a relationship with a BPD, who is nothing more than the epitome of female thinking.

I've just spent the last several years of my life trying to forge a meaningful relationship with not one but two BPD chicks. Now, my eyes were open, and I don't regret it - I am tougher and I learned a hell of a lot - but I am burned out. The Game, once you fully understand it, is depressing.

And nothing beats the sad realization that in order to play The Game, you have to stoop to their level. When you realize what you are doing, it's not so much fun to tell DHV stories or learn astrology or palm reading or talk about chick crack. All that for a vagina. Ugh.