Well, hopefully obscene, but i'll settle for just "keeping the lights on."
Academic Composition - Be smart just like your future employers and corporations! OUTSOURCE your stupid liberal arts prereq classes homework to Alex! He charges $20 a page for writing papers so you don't have to. Besides you liberal arts professors really don't care. They just want your money and are thankful for having a job with a worthless degree!
Asshole Consulting - Want to be lied to? Well hire a real consulting company or read Cosmo. Want the truth? Hire an asshole, like me! Asshole Consulting - because everybody needs an asshole.
Rattlerstrap - It's neither a rattler, nor a strap, but a paracord belt every outdoorsman and outdoorsgoddess needs when hiking. Get yours at www.rattlerstrap.com
Talon Knife - Small, discreet, and great for personal defense, especially when you're kidnapped or absconded with.