Sunday, March 29, 2015

UC Berkeley Study Shows 2 in 1 Women Raped


"When it comes to the uncomfortable topics of sexual assault and rape, there seems to be a lack of consistency when it comes to statistics.  Is it 1 in 5 women on college campuses who are raped?  Is it 1 in 3?  Or are they under-reported and it's actually closer to 1 in 2?

The truth is even more shocking.

2 in 1 college women are raped on American campuses every year.

The discovery of this shocking statistic was due to a joint study between UC Berkeley's Women's Studies Department and the Department of Sociology.  Headed by Dr. Madison Jones-Pheeters and Dr. Jane Tallakson-Smith (respectively), the study took on the difficult task of authoritatively assessing what percentage of college women were raped.  However, to achieve this, the study boldly abandoned traditional researching and measuring methods and replaced them with newer, out-side-of-the-box ones.  This not only allowed them to accurately measure how many women were being raped on campus, but achieve completely new and previously-thought impossible statistics.

"We really didn't like math and logic," said Dr. Jones-Pheeters.  "Both were social constructs forced on us by the patriarchy.  So if we were able to unshackle ourselves from these tools of oppression, we would finally be allowed to see for the first time just how much of a threat campus rape and sexual assault really are.  I couldn't believe it at first, but there it is.  2 in 1 women, 200% of college-going women are raped every year."

Researchers in academia generally agree and concur with the findings, even if the statistical methods were unconventional.

"We have to appreciate what these two women did here.  They are boldly defying male-created traditions such as math, logic, reality, and fact, allowing us to truly see reality for the first time in our researching lives," explained political science professor, Tanner Sylvensen-Anders.  "And I'm glad they did.  Now we know just what kind of danger and what kind of victims American women are!"

While they have yet to disclose their full methodologies, Drs. Jones-Pheeters and Jane Tallakson did provide some explanation as to these non-patriarchical statistics.

"Well, if we redefine rape to mean unwanted advances, and count each instance as an individual rape, even if it is still only one woman this is happening to, she has in essence been raped 2, 3, 4, even 20 times over the course of the year.  Throw in a woman who suffers from multiple-personality disorder and each instance of rape is magnified thrice or four-fold.  Ignoring logic then allows us to prorate these atrocities to each individual woman (or personality), giving us the figure that 2 in 1 women are raped every year."


Sadly, I do actually see this in the future.


1432fpchero said...

Headed by Dr. Madison Jones-Pheeters and Dr. Jane Tallakson-Smith (respectively)

how would you like to to be the "masculine" identifier in the double barrel surname. gee honey you look nice today is followed buy miranda and handcuffs

sanelity said...

Love it! Well done.

Next up: "Statistics show all high school jocks have raped adoring freshmen girls".

Black Poison Soul said...

"the study boldly abandoned traditional researching and measuring methods" - ie they now have the option to pull it outta their ass.

"achieve completely new and previously-thought impossible statistics." - like flying to the moon with geese pulling my chariot.

Sadly, like you, I also see this happening in the future.

Anonymous said...

Women fantasize about being raped. It is the ultimate attention and sympathy getter.

Wraith said...

Today's satire is tomorrow's reality. I predict something like this showing up as a real news article in the next year or two.

Anonymous said...

I do love those threeways!

kotetu said...

You're early Cap. This would have been golden on the 1st. :)

evilwhitemalempire said...

I wonder if it would be possible to sock puppet this bit over to the other side of the fence and then see if some of them take the bait (agree with it).

Might need to chip off some of the edges like "ignoring logic" or "defying male-created traditions such as math, logic, reality, and fact" (implicitly written down is too obvious).

Then screencap all their responses and post.

Might be the funniest thing since the end women's suffrage gag.

Michael said...

they want us all to die out. that is all.

Glen Filthie said...

""Well, if we redefine rape to mean unwanted advances, and count each instance as an individual rape...blah blah blah..."

Ayup. And if you redefine homosexuality as a healthy alternative lifestyle, and redefine racism as anything that offends monkeys like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, and you redefine your morals and ethics to allow for immoral and unethical end up with today's modern progtard.

In my little bubble here it is still 1957. The cars are fast, the girls are great, shooting is a healthy and wholesome sport - and stupid people, sexual degenerates, and commies are loathed and ostracized.

It does absolute wonders for the stress levels and blood pressure.

Brian said...

Just remember old DT's (of THE BLACK BRIGADE! Yeah, baby!) reply to feminists:

50 Shades of Grey.

(see Debrief #53 at or visit

Ofay Cat said...

Liberal men and women seem to enjoy rape as a sex-style ... seems to be trending only on liberal university and college campuses. I rarely hear of a conservative woman being raped .... anywhere. It probably happens occasionally, but conservatives are less likely to form a committee to create a whole new statistic-gathering algorithm then brag about the new high rate of rape they have uncovered.

Ofay Cat said...

Did my comment just disappear into the ether?

spike 1 said...

they neglected to add that the attempted rapes were by other woman

Anonymous said...

I cannot tell if this article is real or satire.
I'm worried that it is not satire.

Yours truly,

Niall from Winnipeg

Peregrine John said...

evilwhiteempire's idea is genius. Do it.

HOZ said...

This is total bullshit. Its 40 in every 4 women. What are you racist?

Tal Hartsfeld said...

If one wishes to observe "vicarious rape" in action one only needs to view old footages of the hysterical teenage girls attending any of the Beatles concerts during the mid-60s.
It wasn't "just the music" that had them going apeshit, but the lustful pipedreams going through their heads (at the time).