UC Berkeley Study Shows 2 in 1 Women Raped

 From MSNBC

"When it comes to the uncomfortable topics of sexual assault and rape, there seems to be a lack of consistency when it comes to statistics.  Is it 1 in 5 women on college campuses who are raped?  Is it 1 in 3?  Or are they under-reported and it's actually closer to 1 in 2?

The truth is even more shocking.

2 in 1 college women are raped on American campuses every year.

The discovery of this shocking statistic was due to a joint study between UC Berkeley's Women's Studies Department and the Department of Sociology.  Headed by Dr. Madison Jones-Pheeters and Dr. Jane Tallakson-Smith (respectively), the study took on the difficult task of authoritatively assessing what percentage of college women were raped.  However, to achieve this, the study boldly abandoned traditional researching and measuring methods and replaced them with newer, out-side-of-the-box ones.  This not only allowed them to accurately measure how many women were being raped on campus, but achieve completely new and previously-thought impossible statistics.

"We really didn't like math and logic," said Dr. Jones-Pheeters.  "Both were social constructs forced on us by the patriarchy.  So if we were able to unshackle ourselves from these tools of oppression, we would finally be allowed to see for the first time just how much of a threat campus rape and sexual assault really are.  I couldn't believe it at first, but there it is.  2 in 1 women, 200% of college-going women are raped every year."

Researchers in academia generally agree and concur with the findings, even if the statistical methods were unconventional.

"We have to appreciate what these two women did here.  They are boldly defying male-created traditions such as math, logic, reality, and fact, allowing us to truly see reality for the first time in our researching lives," explained political science professor, Tanner Sylvensen-Anders.  "And I'm glad they did.  Now we know just what kind of danger and what kind of victims American women are!"

While they have yet to disclose their full methodologies, Drs. Jones-Pheeters and Jane Tallakson did provide some explanation as to these non-patriarchical statistics.

"Well, if we redefine rape to mean unwanted advances, and count each instance as an individual rape, even if it is still only one woman this is happening to, she has in essence been raped 2, 3, 4, even 20 times over the course of the year.  Throw in a woman who suffers from multiple-personality disorder and each instance of rape is magnified thrice or four-fold.  Ignoring logic then allows us to prorate these atrocities to each individual woman (or personality), giving us the figure that 2 in 1 women are raped every year."

/sarc

Sadly, I do actually see this in the future.