Monday, April 14, 2014

Asshole Consulting Now Official

Greetings All!

Like the rest of my life, the things I tried to be successful at I failed at miserably.

And the things I scoffed at and merely tried as hobbies or recreational activities...

I succeeded at incomprehensibly.

Enter in Asshole Consulting.

The problem I faced was I was receiving a ton of e-mails requesting advice that I just plain did not have the time to answer.  Out of controlled, but polite frustration, I started telling the seekers-of-free-wisdom that it would not be free.  And that though I would love to help them, I personally did not have the time to answer all of their questions without being compensated.

And so what I thought would end up being a polite financial disincentive to turn people down for free advice ended up becoming a genuine and actual market to capitalize on.

People are willing to fork over a couple bucks for some quick and dirty advice.

And thus Asshole Consulting was born.

Many of you have already contracted my services, but for those of you who haven't I'll explain it very simply:

You have two choices when seeking advice.

1.  Pay for a professional consultant to lie to you because their goal is to extract as much money from you as possible and will therefore NEVER solve your problem, but merely perpetuate it as long as possible


2.  hire an asshole who doesn't give a damn about your feelings, already makes enough money on the side that he doesn't need your money, which means he doesn't have any incentive to lie to you, and therefore will tell you the honest truth...which ultimately means a cheaper and more effective solution to your problems.

And Asshole Consulting is option #2.

Most of the people who have hired me are looking for a TIDBIT of advice.  Not a ton.  And after what usually amounts to a 5 minute e-mail and a $20 tab, I slightly correct their path in life to a path that is much more profitable and happy.  So consider the ole Captain when you have a question in life.  A $20 consultancy may be just the nudge or epiphany you need to make the remaining 50 years of your life easier, happier, and financially more profitable.


Because only assholes will tell you the truth to your face.


Anonymous said...

The funny part, you are now a professional lifestyle coach. Which in my universe is right up there with flower arranger, wedding consultant, event planner and phone sanitizer.

That being said, I sincerely hope you are a monster success at it. Or at least as succesful as Penelope Trunk

sth_txs said...

Loose the fucking weight!

Lose Captain. Lose!

EWK said...

Cap, are you aware of this site? Ripoff? Just someone else using the same idea?

Anonymous said...

Heh, all that you need now Cap is an advert similar to the banking ones with something like this:

Asshole Consulting: telling you things you dont want to hear, but you need to know... Because we are assholes.

JimboSlice said...

Please let me know when you are ready to take on staff. I am a Licensed Professional Engineer and an asshole. I am currently wallowing in IT hell, a field that is largely populated by mendacious douchebags. If you open up an engineering office, I'm your guy.