Saturday, April 19, 2014

Dude Bro Inc

Let's just say I know "a guy."

And when hanging out with this "guy" one time I met his co-workers.  These co-workers were the epitome of the fratboy-douchebags that, like Wyoming, should eliminate any concern on your part that the decline in America is relegated to just "women  and minorities."  No, they were proof positive that the decline is truly unbiased, unbigoted, and is infecting all people of all kinds.

But something was different about these dude bros.  They were extra-special douchey the night I met them.

Sure they all had the signs of dude-bro-ness:

Wearing sunglasses indoors at night.
Having floozies on their arms that had the face "don't dare talk to me."
Doing shots shots shots shotshotshots shots shots shots shots.
Telling stories and giving speeches that were neither funny, nor witty, and completely based on inside jokes.
Bragging about their careers.
Taking selfies even though they're males.

But then two things caught my eye.

One, they all drove cars that I knew by their age they couldn't mathematically afford.  Oh sure, it was possible.  Anything was possible.  But they'd have to be bringing down around $250,000 per year to make all their stories true and hold the deeds to those cars.  And I knew from banking the percentage of middle-aged fratboy douches who owned their car was around 2%.  Their younger, less experienced counterparts, had to be leasing or borrowed to the hilt.

Two, they were in sales.  "Sales" if you don't know is where many douchey dude bros work because they are completely untrained, unskilled, and too lazy to do anything else.

Frame this house?
"Dude, that's like what my old man did."

Program this router?
"Dude, that's for nerds!"

Weld this car?
"DUDE!  THAT GAME IS ON!!!  GO LEBRON!!!!!  He's my man!!!!!"

No, they were "big idea guys" and any real work was beneath them.

This also caught my economist eye because I knew all "idea guys" were ego maniacs who wanted the benefits of hard work, but used sleaze, ass-kissing, politicking, and networking to attain said benefits without hard work.

So faster forward several years and I don't know why it comes up, but my economic spidey senses start tingling and saying, "you know, there's no way to tell how those dude bros turned out, let alone prove with 100% certainty that they were indeed posers, but I wonder if their company is publicly traded."

And by golly it is.

And by golly will you look at those bottom lines.

Again, there is no guarantee that the dude bros were faking it.  Who knows, the company could have been spending all of their money on sales teams making those dude bros the only dude bros in the country that weren't faux $30,000 millionaires.  But based on my experience in banking, not to mention knowing precisely what it would take to present and keep up such a lifestyle/image, I think I can safely tell you this very important lesson:

Nearly 100% of the people you see dude-bro-ing it up, or fratboying it up, or (on the female side) "partaaaayyyying" it up, are fake and putting on a show.

Mathematically
Economically
and psychologically

it is just impossible for so many young people in today's economy to all be acting like Paris Hilton AND have the money to back it up.  There just isn't the money, there just isn't the economic growth, and truthfully, most young people today are just too freaking stupid to manage their finances, let alone to the level they are in the top 1% of income earners.

Ergo, when you see them in the nightclubs, partying it up at a bar, ordering a round of shots, driving a fancy import, do not feel jealous or that you are somehow underperforming.  I can guarantee you with 99.9% accuracy the party is going to end rather quickly for them and the remaining 20 years of their lives consist of avoiding bankruptcy, living paycheck to paycheck, and the constant fear of having to make ends meet.  Worse for them, they will have to keep up the lie to save face which will only condemn their entire financial lives to hell.

You just need to realize this, practice minimalism, find non-douchey friends, and both your personal lives and financial lives will be forever better and genuinely richer than the dude bros'.

16 comments:

Phil Galt said...

I'm not sure I see your point.

Remember when having your picture made with a cardboard cutout of a celebrity was trendy? Apparently, we have taken one more step. Now people ARE the cardboard cutout. :P

But what I really don't get is I am not seeing anyone suffering for it.....

sporque said...

These douches make it harder for others to practice minimalism by both degrading and overcomplicating society.

Pax Empyrean said...

Just throwing this out there, "dude-bro" is a term idiot feminists throw around to denote guys who don't think idiot feminists should be taken seriously.

Anonymous said...

And?

Hot Sam said...

Co-opt their made-up jargon. It pisses them off more.

This is one of the rare cases, though, where the feminists are right. It is easy for them to notice when white, heterosexual males are douches. They just fail to see the doucheness of people like themselves.

PeppermintPanda said...

AS much as I dislike these douchebags I have to admit that many I have known were quite clever.

I can recall a group of four guys I knew who each chipped in $1000/month to split the mortgage on a (huge) house when they graduated. Since they split the costs evenly, they had everything you could imagine (even a maid) and their living expenses were all under $2000/month. While the guys I knew didn't do this, they probably could have paid for a fancy car lease if they wanted to.


Adam Lawson said...

Pax: I'm not sure we should let our vocabulary be directed by feminists. Before they used it, I used it in the way Cappy Cap is here.

As for these "sales" guys -- holy shit, Cap, you NAILED a "Sales" type guy I know. He's always selling, even in his private life -- building a false image for his own gain.

It's like "fake it til you make it" without the second part.

Anonymous said...

Dat SG&A.

This is how you drive a company into the ground right here, boys--inflate a CRM budget and let your corporate boys live high on the hog.

Anonymous said...

Don't blame the victims. They are suffering for a condition called: "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder".
What we truly need is more gubbermint funding to study the causes of "Dude-Bro-ism". These poor victims are in need of treatment and understanding, not ridicule and shaming. Don't you think that if we could all chip in a little more, we might be able to help these poor suffering souls and lead them on a path to full recovery. I think this is right thing to do and is socially just.

Aurini said...

I don't know whether to smile at the Lord's justice, or pity those who fall out of his favour.

I was at the club last night, on business; every single person there conformed to this stereotype. I've never seen so many ugly women. I couldn't even look directly at them; the horrors of their future were written in their arrogance and cruelty. It would have been pitiable, if it weren't for the fact that they so richly deserve their fate.

There were two women whose only job was to wander around, carrying government-issued signs declaring that it's illegal to sell cigarettes to minors. You know, just to remind you of who your owners are. Why would anybody go to a place that would do something like that - that would hire two girls to walk around reminding you that you're a slave?

As I walked home through the downtown core, I couldn't help noticing every crack in the asphalt. Every pile of untended garbage. Every abandoned structure.

This is the second-richest city in Canada... and the cracks in the facade are starting to show.

Old Broad said...

There's an old expression, "keeping up with the Joneses." It's amazing how often the Joneses are up to their ears in hock.

Steve adams said...

Name and Principal Position

Year

Salary
($) (1)

Stock Awards
($)(2)

Option Awards
($)(2)

Non-Equity Incentive Plan Compensation
($)(3)

All Other Compensation
($) (4)

Total
($)

James F. Geiger

2012

400,000

220,627

194,198

613,650

8,750

1,437,224

Chairman, President and Chief Executive Officer

2011

400,000

300,236

389,346

450,000

8,575

1,548,157


2010

400,000

444,500

523,500

566,400

7,000

1,941,400

















J. Robert Fugate

2012

300,000

779,235

76,718

306,825

8,750

1,471,528

Executive Vice President and Chief Financial Officer

2011

300,000

150,783

129,782

225,000

8,575

814,140


2010

296,250

476,250

174,500

279,660

4,988

1,231,648

















N. Brent Cobb

2012

291,250

864,514

76,718

223,407

8,750

1,464,638

Chief Revenue and Customer Officer

2011

280,000

75,703

97,337

157,500

8,575

619,114


2010

268,865

437,800

69,800

198,240

4,025

978,730

















Joseph A. Oesterling

2012

291,250

777,569

76,718

223,407

8,750

1,377,694

Chief Information Officer

2011

280,000

105,321

97,337

157,500

8,575

648,733


2010

268,865

437,800

69,800

198,240

4,025

978,730

















Christopher C. Gatch

2012

276,250

433,069

57,538

220,377

8,750

995,984

Executive Vice President and Chief Technical Officer

2011

265,000

105,182

97,337

149,062

8,575

625,156


2010

265,000

374,650

69,800

183,208

4,025

896,683

Some folks making money - just not the shareholders.

Kristophr said...

Did someone in Wyoming rape you, or what?

( snicker )

Kennedy Paul said...

Hey.

Shouldn't Captain Capitalism realize that pretty much every single business needs "sales". That sales that actually involve influencing people are not easy and actually require a huge degree of skill?

Bones said...

Cap, my experience has been that you can call salesmen many things, but not 'lazy.' The lazy salesman has a short career.

Otherwise, of course, they may be complete scum.

Anonymous said...

It's called the 20k millionaire. They did a study on this in Texas years back. Credit, Credit, and more Credit. Until the well runs dry. Lease a BMW.