Friday, November 11, 2016

Donate to the "White Male Bachelor Who Really Doesn't Need It" Fund

Did you know that in every major metropolitan area, there are middle income bachelors, with minimalist lifestyles, who don't really need your money?

Did you know that 95% of them will do just fine without additional funds and the other 5%, would probably do just as fine anyway?

Did you know that these bachelors eat, drink, travel, and do whatever they want, when they want, with no major obligations or responsibilities in life?

And did you know because of fiscal discipline, frugality, and spending within their means their only real debts are their mortgages?

It's a tragedy many people don't want to talk about.  But these poor bachelors are forced to pay their own mortgages.

But you can help.

With your commitment to use Cappy's Amazon Affiliate program for all your online and Christmas shopping, you can help eliminate Cappy's mortgage.  Just go online here and do your shopping and 7% of all your purchases will go to help this one particular bachelor in no particular need.  Yes, your money could go to poor starving children, minorities in desperate need of more government scholarships, third world countries that never get their shit together, or single moms who couldn't keep their legs shut, but trillions still haven't solved those problems so why waste a penny more?

Spend your money on something that is mathematically feasible and possible instead.

Donate to the "Eliminate Cappy's Mortgage Fund."

Unlike all other charities, 100% of your donations will go directly to the "Eliminate Cappy's Mortgage Fund" allowing this bachelor-not-really-in-need to spend even more disposable income on motorcycles, Rumpleminze, hiking, sleeping in late, girls, video games, and guns.  You'll also have the added benefit of knowing you helped out a CIS-gendered, white male, which will really piss off all the right people.  And for every $1,000 in commission he earns, you'll receive a signed picture of this poor bachelor on his motorcycle, hang-gliding in the Alps, smoking a cigar in Vegas, or sleeping in his cozy bed till noon.  But the real reward is that you will have made his already-pretty-easy-life even easier.

So when you're sick and tired of contributing to charities that never actually solve the problems they portend to, and only seem to make things worse, consider doing your online shopping to help the "Eliminate Cappy's Mortgage Fund."

Because charity with no solution is in all reality just pissing away money.

7 comments:

flighter said...

Make cappy great again!

mobius wolf said...

Finally, a worthy cause. I'm in.

minuteman said...

I'd love to help you Cappy, but I'm in Canada so I have to do my purchasing through Amazon.ca, rather than Amazon.com. If you can figure out a way for me to do it through Amazon.ca I will gladly support your wastrel lifestyle. I am in the market for a new coffee maker and running shoes so..

leeholsen said...

captain, I leave it to your discretion; but in my effort to help other guys also enjoy the freedoms that you are seeking to achieve, I would say to buy the book early retirement extreme.
if you have embraced the future coming by reading enjoy the decline. then that book is a campanion to living life on your terms and not societies. I'm about 5 years from joinging the captain's efforts in his fund to not need anything.

Anonymous said...

how about you do meet up speeches?
NYC first! charge a fee, cigars and scotch - perhaps strippers?

ROK guys will be there

Post Alley Crackpot said...

Every dollar for chaos and not a single penny for charity!

"Yo bitch, where's my mothafukkin' TARP?"

:-)

Tal Hartsfeld said...

I'm a poor single male. I can hardly afford myself even.
Count me out.