Monday, November 30, 2009

The Women Who Try to Make Me Fat

Let it be known that your captain is victorious!

Yes, after a long, multi-battle, gruesome war, ole Cappy Cap has defeated the nefarious and many women of his life that set out to make him fat.

Oh, it started innocently enough. A formal dinner party at Bambi's place in sleepy, suburban Rosemount, Minnesota. Served were rosemary potatoes, caramel glazed carrots with BOTH apple topped pork and tender beef tips. Not complete without martini's, Rumpleminze, wine and THREE different types of desserts. Everybody was having a mirthful time, but oh, I knew, I KNEW what she was trying to do. She was trying to fatten me up!

Sure enough what I hoped would be just a minor, one time, clandestine operation, turned into all out war as my mother made not one, but TWO chickens for a measly 4 people on Thanksgiving Day. Of course it included potatoes, squash, apple pie AND french silk pie. They weren't even trying to hide the fact! They were declaring all out war on me and at all costs were going to make me fat!

Then there was Sindi's house. Never mind most of us already had two Thanksgiving dinners already. No, now came the final assault. TWO types of ham, THREE DIFFERENT PIES, so much booze that it would make Lewis Nixon blush, cheese potatoes, a creme-cheese-pepper-jalapeno-cilantro-tobasco sauce chip dip, coleslaw, home made buns, pomegranite martinis, and an ice cream dessert that included;

Creme De Cocoa

with dove chocolate chunks.

Oh, it was the H-bomb of Thanksgiving dinners. It could not get any worse my friends. But it did. For during the entire Thanksgiving week, Natasha was providing these women constant air support. I was constantly bombarded with "Whipping" me up this. "Whipping" me up that. "Would you like another Rumpleminze dear?" "Oh this? I just decided to whip up a little stir fry. It has fresh jalapenos, just like you like it!"

Oh, how could any man survive!?

Well, let it be known fellow Captain Capitalismites, that your Captain, virtuous and true, was a pillar of self-control. And combined with rigorous exercise managed to keep the pounds off. So much so, that when I stepped on the scale this morning, I had LOST 2 POUNDS OVER THE WEEK!

All their scheming.

All their plotting.

All these women, trying to make me fat.

All for naught!

Their plans were foiled. Their schemes undone!

Yes, all their efforts were muted by the steel resolve and self-discipline that is known as the Captain.

Be wary my male economist friends, be wary. For if women decide to make a full frontal assault against me, they no doubt have plans for you!


daniel_ream said...


I lost the Battle of the Bulge years ago. To you with failing hands I throw the torch, Captain.

Anonymous said...

Good Christ Cap'n!

How many girls do you have cooking for!? You have to be the most spoiled man I know!

Anonymous said...

Bull, you probably gained 2 pounds. After all, you do eat ice cream for breakfast.

Captain Capitalism said...

Ha! I just ran 6 miles today! No bull, all truth.

Mrs. Bob said...

Heaven forbid that a woman should actually know how to cook!