My buddy, who is a liberal, takes me to this coffee shop called "Lux Central" in Phoenix.
It's actually quite a cool joint with lots of rooms, food AND A BAR! Layout is great, LCD projector in the back. Probably one of the top 5 coffee bars I've been to (what few I've attended). Only one problem.
The "Seth Rogen Effect."
The Seth Rogen Effect is where DB millineal males decide it's cool to wear a rats nest beard, crappy hair, and frankly, make a great attempt at looking even worse than my generation's Grunge counter part. If you don't know what I'm talking about precisely, look at Seth Rogen and you'll see precisely what I'm talking about.
Making matters worse is the girls of the same generation all deciding to dress like THelma from Scooby Doo, with the pronounced thick rimmed glasses.
The effect is while they're all trying to "fight the system" or "fight conformity," in the end they all look the same and effectively become the conformists they so hate. It's obvious (like the Grunge generation) they're trying really hard to make sure you know they don't care about how they look. So much so to the point it's almost like they're rubbing it in your face. And thus, I'm relegated to sit in what seems to be a faux hipster ugly people's convention, feeling pity for my millineal counterpart.
Now I don't personally care if the latest generation simply wishes to repeat the puke-inducing fashion fads of the 1970's and the 1990's in modern day form. I just go to a salsa club or a cigar bar and hang out with decent looking people who look like they bathe regularly. But let us take lemons and make lemonade out of it for our young, up and coming millineal economists who have the great misfortunes of growing up with this DB hipster crowd.
The great advantage any of you young, aspiring millineal economists have is that your peers, or more so, your competitors are purposely making it easy for you to score the attention of the opposite sex.
In the olden days, if you wanted the attention of the ladies you had to work out, run, lift weights and wear fancy (and expensive) clothes. It also helped if you drove a very expensive car and spent a lot of money. Now, with this current generation, it seems it's a race to the bottom. To make yourself look disgusting as possible. To make yourself look like a loser. To make it so you are the least attractive person to show just how cool and independent you are.
Thus, the bar has been lowered so much, you don't need to lift weights or spend a ton of money on a fancy car or buy fancy clothes. No!
All you have to do is simply SHAVE.
All you have to do is simply dress SLIGHTLY better than average.
All you have to do is be in AVERAGE shape.
And in doing this basic, simple things, you are already the hottest, sexiest guy in the room.
Ladies, it's the same thing. You don't need to wear an evening dress, work on your abs, doll yourself up, and spend hours at the salon. No!
All you have to do is SHAVE (the arm pits)!
All you have to do is SLIGHLY DOLL UP YOUR FACE!
All you have to do is WEAR CONTACTS!
All you have to do is WEAR A SKIRT OR DRESS AND LOOK FEMININE!
And in doing these basic, simple things, you are already the hottest, sexiest girl in the room.
Trust me for I speak from experience. The grunge fad went away quite quickly when the ladies started noticing that instead of having to settle for DouchebagMcGee grunger boy with his acoustic guitar, long hair and 7 year bachelor's degree in poetry, they could have a guy in a double-breasted suit, twirling them on the dance floor with a martini in hand with the swing dance craze. Instead of a Kirk Cobain pothead living in the dorm room with nylons on his arms, they could have the guy who could actually afford to take them to the newly-opened sushi restuarant in town. And instead of the sensitive 90's boy who would ask her permission to kiss her, she could get the jazz lounge connoisseur who would take her to underground jazz clubs, sip away at his martini, only to nibble on her shoulder without her express permission while taking in some Frank Sinatra.
In short, your generation has become so obsessed with proving to itself that it is beyond "materialism" or beyond "human nature" that any dumb average schmoe can simply adhere to the rudimentary basics of human nature and be the most sought after person in the room.
Oh sure, the "English" majoring hotty hiding behind the amish-length skirt and Thelma glasses, reading her worthless poetry book will put up a front. But if you show up in a motorcycle jacket on a motorcycle and say, "get on" she'll drop the faux intellectual front real quick (just look at how many "independent" liberal arts-majoring chicks are now with money-making surgeons and engineers. They didn't marry Kurt Cobain wanna be's).
And ladies, if you see a handsome man behind the Seth Rogen Wannabe facade if he'd just shave and wear a decent pair of jeans and a shirt, you could easily steal him from his Women's Studies majoring shebeast if you just put on a nice pair of heels and (gasp!) look feminine!
Already I have wasted too much of my vacation time helping you youth, so do not make it in vain. Go out and start plucking away at the diamonds in the Seth Rogen DB Hipster rough.
6 comments:
I spent twenty years shaving every day when I was in the army. Sitting in a trench, we would scrape the cammo paint off, shave, reapply cammo paint. In a tent in a snow bank, melt snow to make water to shave. I swore that when I got out of the army I would never shave again, and I haven't. Some times my beard is short and neat. I have had a beard that would make ZZ Top envious, but the skin of my face hasn't seen sunlight in 15 years. In my current career don't have to wear s suit very often, but if I have to I can clean up quite nicely. I will never shave my face clean again. - minuteman
I disagree. I think the people who have such poor taste in their personal appearance have equally poor taste in romantic partners.
Filthy hippies always found other filthy hippies attractive. It's the same with these people.
Minuteman, you earned the right to a beard.
These kids earned the right to nothing.
Keep growing the beard.
I always keep my hair short, but I do keep a *light* beard and never let it get long. I find that women in general like a "rugged" appearance.
Hey, Cappy, point me towards one of these "money-making... engineers". I've been a Design Engineer for almost 30 years, and the only ones I see getting the big bucks are BA's in "Management" or the few engineers who could stomach an MBA program.
They're outsourcing designers and engineers so fast it'll make your head spin. Anything that can be done in Bombay for a cheaper price (regardless of the shitty quality of work) is being off-shored.
When kids (anyone under 30) ask me if they should go into engineering, I don't say "no", I say "F%#@ NO!". Go into HVAC repair, or plumbing, small-engine-repair or anything else that requires a physical presence that can't be outsourced overseas.
T tried to be a non-conformist for a while. But all the other non-conformists hazed me because I was not non-conforming the same way they were non-conforming.
Anyway, in reality, I have noticed it as well. There is most certainly a generation of people that have no problems with looking like manatees that are too lazy to shave. (or in the case of women, too lazy to groom an eyebrow...)
Not sure when a "muffin top" belly became sexy, but I guess if the large majority of people out there are sporting one, it becomes normal.
Really, is it that difficult to show some pride in appearance? Run a comb through your hair? Shave, or if you choose a beard, keep it under control?
There is room for the non-conformist, and I appreciate the personal freedoms demonstrated.
But, these people need to understand there are consequences to their actions. People should not judge them on their appearance, but people do.
No one, and I mean no one in the history of the human race, has ever looked across a bar at someone that is disheveled, and appears to care not a whit about their appearance and said "I bet that is a really interesting person, and I will walk up to that unshaven, dressed like they want to emphasize their belly, person and introduce myself as a potential romantic partner."
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