Monday, December 02, 2013

If the States Were Chicks

I've been in Arizona for about 4 days.  In those four days not once have I had to worry about frostbite, hypothermia, or even had the subconscious, darwinistic worry that causes a stir in my stomach by reminding me I might die when I go out in the frigid cold.  It has made me conclude that without a doubt, I will be moving to the south.  Maybe not Arizona, but certainly Texas or Florida.  Life is just too short to live in Minnesota.

However, what's funny is the arrogance most Minnesotan (and Michiganian and Wisconsinite) leftist politicians have about their "beloved" states.

Mark Dayton for example thinks community centers, "Minnesota Nice," and our publicly funded sports arenas are enough to convince people to live in -30 degrees.  Why, having to shovel 3 feet of snow, move cars during parking emergencies only to be ticketed anyway, and pay $300 a month in winter heat bills is more than compensated by the fact we have nice bike paths that can be used 2 months out of the year.  And don't forget our "hip cool hipster" areas like Uptown and Lowertown!  Those inferior artists who populate the place can't work up a damn lick of decent art to the point we've gone so far to redefine art as the minimalist, talentless shit that currently populates the Walker Art Center.  But hey, they wear converse shoes, skinny jeans, and they drink their coffee with their pinkies extended!  And finally, the taxes.  We should be proud of our socialist Norwegian heritage!  And that is enough right there to be proud of.  We care!  So shut the fuck up, pay more in taxes, and appreciate that what you get in return is the fact you were forced to be charitable!

Sarcasm aside, in the end, Minnesota (and her upper midwest socialist sisters) need to realize something:

They're like fat women.

What socialist, liberal, and leftist politicians of the Arctic States of America have to realize is that they already have an uphill battle to keep productive people in their states.  Their weather sucks, snow sucks, and 8 hours a day of sunlight during winter also sucks.  So what do they do to sweeten the pot?

Foist some of the highest taxes on its population.

This is like a fat wife having the audacity to be overbearing and nagging on top of physically repugnant.  Not only is the place unattractive, but it's abusive and intolerable as well.

Now some states get it. They realize they're fat and thus, they are nice.  North Dakota and South Dakota know they are the obese ugly sisters of the United States, but compensate by offering no income taxes, favorable business environments, and in general have a pleasant demeanor.  Other states, on the opposite spectrum also get it.  California for example knows it can abuse its popuilation because it's the "hot girl" of the United States.  Great weather, great climate, awesome scenery.  Why the IT nerds in silicon valley will line up to get financially ass-raped by the state just as readily as they will to get ass-raped by gold digging divorce-prone liberal arts majors from LA.  But at least California offers something.

Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Ohio, New York, Connecticut, and all the other snowbound shit holes offer NOTHING.  Ergo they are the worst - a fat chick WHO HAS ATTITUDE.

Thus, there should be no surprise Minnesotans and the like are moving to Florida or Texas.

You see, Florida and Texas are like the nice farm girls who are hot, but don't have the attitude of California or the delusions de grandiuer of Minnesota.  They still appreciate productive citizens, they like stable, non-criminal populations, but are also physically pleasing.  Nice weather.  Warm climate.  And no shoveling snow whatsoever (I might also point out their women are indeed hotter).  But ALSO low taxes, freedoms, pro gun, and a general pro-business environment.  So the question to Minnesota liberals is simply this:

What, precisely, do you bring to the table for your economically productive suitors?

And the answer is nothing.

You're loud, you're entitled, your obnoxious, you're fat, you're ugly, your abusive, and you're gross.  No self-respecting citizen would ever marry you let alone fuck you for one night.  And when people threaten to leave, you merely threaten to punish them for leaving instead of looking at yourself in the mirror to maybe consider that maybe you are the one with the problem.

So continue on Mark Dayton.  Continue on Phyllis Kahn.  Continue on Chris Coleman.  You keep snapping your fingers in a "you go girl talk to the hand" type manner.  In the end you're nothing but the fat, ghetto trash, trailer trash girl that offers nothing but pain and life-sucking misery to anybody with skill, talent, and  future.  And until you check your attitude (or somehow magically change the climate) you will forever be the ugly, bitchy fat girl of these United States of America.

35 comments:

Monroe Ficus said...

Good article, I've always thought that, how sadistic the Northern Liberal States are by charging 9% for the privilege of shoveling snow (Snow privilege I guess). NV offers a good deal too, if you consider the entertainment and dining options of Las Vegas (albeit overpriced) to make living there on par with a large yet high tax state.

Josh said...

Great analogy. I hope california hits the wall soon.

Anonymous said...

Amen brother. I live in Minnesota and will be moving next year. I am tired of crappy weather, high taxes, Socialist morons

Anonymous said...

I've read your book and your blog long enough to think you'd be a good fit for Texas.

Generally, I try to discourage people from leaving liberal, screwed up States for the good ones since the first thing many transplants try to do is impose the same failed policies they fled. As an example, Colorado used to be nice.

Anonymous said...

I'd say Texas would be a better choice, there's just too much stupid in FL. Between retired leftists and "vibrants", there's a reason why Fark has a FLORIDA tag.

Plenty of places in TX where you can get a cablemodem in your doublewide on a patch of land.

Aquinas Dad said...

Weird coincidence. The Wife and I lived in Minnesota for 8 years before we returned to the South (now we live in Georgia).My Michigan-born in-laws followed us first there then here. Over Thanksgiving I was commenting how I never missed Minnesota. My mother-in-law got a little huffy,
"The Summers were great! And the services were better! And don't forget Minnesota Nice!'
I replied
"In Atlanta the blooms start in February and last until July. You only need a jacket for 60 days. Summer here is from April to September. If you car breaks down in January you aren't afraid you might die. The taxes here are a fraction, the roads are finished for years at a time. And as for Minnesota Nice, how many checkout girls at the grocery store a block from you house in Shoreview knew your name after 6 years?"
"None"
"And how many of the checkout girls from the grocery store a mile from your house in Kennesaw know your name after 9 months?"
"..... all of them"
"Yeah. 'Minnesota Nice' means 'we replace warmth is politeness but we really don't give a fuck. In Georgia people actually care"
And as for Mark Dayton! Back in his first term as Senator I wrote a polite letter on a particular topic to both him and Coleman.
Coleman sent a very nice form reply and an invite to make an appointment with his office. About what you would expect.
Dayton sent a *hand written* rant about what a terrible person I am to hold such a repugnant view and that he hoped I would move away from Minnesota so as not to sully the state with my presence.
The topic? The taxes on my small business were going up and were going to prevent me from hiring a 3rd employee and if it was affecting me I knew it was affecting others and a small tax decrease for small business might create more jobs.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You've just explained perfectly why I'd never move back to Chicago.

Never did like that fat broad.

sth_txs said...

Please come to TX!

Unfortunately, all the libtard hippy fools have taken over Austin. Hopefully the stupidity can be contained.

S.Lynn said...

You won't miss the $300 winter heating bills because, in Arizona, you just exchange them for the $400 a month cooling bills. But their gun laws are great.

leeholsen said...

i'd say to go to austin having been all over those 3 states. yes, they're crazy liberals all over it; but theyre harmless and theres always plenty of rednecks around.

personally, i'm planning the mountains of north carolina as theres plenty of rednecks there and 100 degrees is just as bad as shoveling snow imo.

Ed Kohler said...

If you don't feel like you're getting your money's worth from the taxes paid in MN, there certainly are cheaper options.

I wonder how things like public education and life expectancy fit into people's decisions on where they live. Childless folks may not be interested in paying for other people's kids to go to school, but they still may benefit from the education levels of the people they interact with throughout the day (or, the earning power of better educated people).

Cold weather isn't for everyone, but I personally enjoy being able to go outside with an extra layer on over being trapped in air conditioned buildings throughout the summer months in the south.

Arizona seems like a cooler place to own a motorcycle than Texas or especially Florida (too rainy, too flat, and too much traffic).

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, many from the liberal s-holes of NY, NJ, CT, MA, RI, VT, ME, PA, DE, and MD have moved into my adopted state of Virginia and are now turning it into another blue state s-hole. I may be moving south in the not-so-distant future to get away from another liberal s-hole.

maddmedic said...

As a rare Conservative in Minnesnowtah...This nails..Is like fighting windmills with all the leftists and DFLers we have..
Moving...sigh.....Probably not going to happen...SO I'll keep fighting wind mills ...

Lépine said...

captain, moving to the south is treachery, you'll be a turncoat, we won't want you back. That kind of weather will make you a soft, doughy little manlet, sooner or later. And it's Michigander not 'michiganian'.

vive la u.p.

Dance...dance to the radio said...

As a Canadian, I don't have the option to go south since it's harder to be an illegal immigrant from Canada then it is to be one from Mexico.
One thing you need to consider about southern climates is that the closer you get to the equator, the more likely you are to get some sort of parasite.
Winter has a way of limiting them.

Anonymous said...

I have always regretted leaving South Dakota. Great place to live.

I'm always amused by people who seem to think that we owe our fair share to raise other people's kids and educate them - no, I do NOT benefit from the education levels of those around me. Go away, snob. Do not confuse years in school with intelligence.

I'd rather be around uneducated folks in South Dakota (although that generalization isn't true either) than the educated bastards (I mean that literally, not perjoratively) that I helped pay for.

coolstud said...

Moved to fl. enjoyed a low cost of living, and no state income taxes.

she said: said...


"California for example knows it can abuse its popuilation because it's the "hot girl" of the United States."

Now that is a funny line. FYI - most guys don't care that hot chicks are taking their money as long as they are having fun while it lasts. They only start crying when the fun stops. And we make fun stuff here. Just sayin.


Anthony said...

Ed Kohler - education results most places depends far more on the demographics of the students than anything about the teachers or administrators. Check out a few states' national test scores broken down by race - the white kids do about the same in almost every state, the black kids do about the same in almost every state, etc. The biggest difference between state test scores is how many kids of each race there are. Secondarily, Texas gets better scores than both California and Wisconsin, in a few cases, significantly so, when you compare the various demographic groups against each other. So Texas is doing something right. (PS - they don't teach creationism, because they need their kids to understand geology so they can make money drilling for oil.)

Anthony said...

Cap'n - Florida is that sweet girl with a hot body and a rather unfortunate face.

Dave said...

So what's Colorado then?

Torgo said...

Pardon my ignorance, but why does the "fuck you for one night" link take one to the Wikipedia page of the Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf?

Borepatch said...

LOL. So when I left Massachusetts for Georgia I was shacking up with a hot southern belle? Works for me.

And +5 to Aquinas Dad. Not only did he trade Minnesota for Georgia, he moved to freakin' KENNESAW. You're not *allowed* to have a gun there, you're *required* to.

Wraith said...

@ Ed: "Public education" has long been an oxymoron in America, and I'd rather deal with humble folks without much book-learnin' than arrogant pissants who think their Ancient Aztec Gender Studies degree somehow makes them an expert on anything. You're right about Arizona being just about the best state for motorcycling like EVER, though.

@ Lepine: Dude, you want weather that will toughen you up? Try 120*, with scorpions, rattlers, golden cholla, Gila Monsters and killer bees. Everything in Arizona tries to kill you on sight. This, my friend, is where the weak are killed and left for the javelinas and coyotes.

Cappy, my wife and I left Minnesota for the Sovereign State of Arizona over eight years ago. Every day, we've been kicking ourselves for not doing it sooner. This--the land of Constitutional Carry, no helmet laws, lax liquor laws and hardcore Constitutionalists--is one of the last remains of what America once was. After a couple of years, the rest of the country feels like prison.

Anonymous said...

What's the advice for us Canadians? Move south?
That would be cracking Toronto or dopey Vancouver... Perhaps to mosque-happy Sarnia, so I can see Detroit's minarets on the other side? Hmmm...

Anonymous said...

Cold weather, Trudeau, and no escape route to the south... Us Canucks are just plain fooked, eh? ;-)

Dan said...

Most places that are nice, warm and pleasant when the upper tier states are frozen solid are not so nice nor pleasant in the summertime. Spend a few weeks in
Vegas or Phoenix etc. in August before deciding just how great the weather is. Only a handful of areas such as San Diego, Santa
Barbara in Kali have nice weather most of the time. The rest of America has seasons of some type.

Anonymous said...

yeah dude i live in texas... weathers cool if you like heat, girls are uh... pleasant 50% of the time, but let me tell you something...

do NOT let a girl EVER EVER EVER call the cops on you. for any reason. even if its for no reason. once you get in the system here, even for dumb bullshit, you will be put through the ringer the rest of your life. the enforcement and judicial arm of the state is out to fuck you in the ass hard with an iron bolt.

im going to leave my stories out and tell you about a friend. his girl bit him, hit him in the head with an ashtray and he was bleeding out the head and arm. he pushed her off him at her collar bone region. the cops came and she said he choked her. he said i pushed her off my by her collar bone region and look at what she did to me. they told him, and i quote "thats old". took his ass to jail, charged him with "attempted murder by strangulation by way of blocking the airway, family assault bodily injury". son of a bitch almost got 10 years but they gave him 5 years probation.

the law out here doesnt fuck around. they fucking hate you and they dont care if you know it.

i just lie about my name these days to girls, precaution, if they try to fight with me im out.

Sherman Broder said...

If Florida, bring your waders...http://propertyfreedompeace.blogspot.com/2013/12/floridiansabandon-ship.html

Aquinas Dad said...

Borepatch,
We love kennesaw! By law each head of household must own a gun and ammo. Burlaries are so rare the police assume they are transients that don't know about Kennesaw - and 9 times out of ten they are right.

Collector of Quotes said...

To all you Canucks who posted here, I'm a Canuck who somehow wound up in Minnesota with my family for the past three years. And Captain (and the rest of you American posters), believe it or not, the taxes here are STILL less than what we paid in Canada! We're doing better here financially with the same income.
But Arizona sounds great. I've always admired America and Minnesota is still too much like Canada with its leftists, its weather, its passive-aggressive, distant and non-warm 'niceness', and its nanny-state-isms, Maybe we should keep moving further south . . .

Donttreadonmatt said...

Epic rant, Cap. If you look at how the jet stream moves from summer to winter, MN truly is the worst of both worlds. Arctic air comes down in winter, the Gulf Stream curls up in summer, overlapping in good old MN! I think we do have the greatest difference in yearly high to low temps.

We will be moving west for more temperate regions eventually. We love the seasons, but the extremes are getting too much to bear - both from the weather and the left. The only way we will remain in MN is if we buy a cabin. That is the only thing MN has to offer, is the 10,000 lakes.

I personally hate hot muggy weather more than cold weather, so the Deep South is not for me. So, a move west and south of the arctic jet stream will make for milder winters and summers.

Winters are more tolerable with a wood burning stove. The heat is much more pleasant, and if you put a cast iron humidifier on top, the air in your house will never dry out.

Anonymous said...

I'll take 2 feet of snow over sweating my ass off down South. People complain about the heat and humidity hear in Michigan, but the key is that it doesn't last as long as it does in Florida or Texas. It's like days on end down there.

Anonymous said...

To all of those who have read the glowing comments on the virtues of moving to Georgia - don't believe them! Speaking as one of the increasingly rare natives of this hellish state, I can tell you that the heat is intolerable, the mosquitoes have their own landing lights, poisonous insects and reptiles are everywhere, and we who live here are all insane Ned Beatty rapists. Seriously, dueling banjos can be heard as you cross the state line! For your sake, and the sake of those who are most dear to you, STAY AWAY! /mutters/..too damn many of you moving here as it is.../mutters/.

Anonymous said...

On the topic of states, would it be possible that we could reverse what the Left did to confuse the issue way back when in circa 2000 with the changing of Lib (Commie) RED with Blue?

Failing that, maybe we should just refer to the freedom states (i.e. Conservative) as True Blue and the Commie Leftist, freedom destroying states a Real Red?