Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Pornification of Jesus

I had this sent to me and I originally scoffed at it, dismissing it, thinking it was cute.































Then I realized,

"Holy shit, there's like millions of naive, young, Christian, but hornier-than-hell,dudes out there who are constantly compared to this perception of Christ by the "only" women they're allowed to sleep with - Christian women."

So as a gesture of goodwill and faith between us secularists and our religious brothers, I thought I'd provide my two cents about this to perhaps maybe advance their cause to nail some hot Christian ass breed more Christians.

Boys, this is the key problem you face with modern day "Christian" women - the pornification of Jesus.

Look, you're already a nobody compared to Jesus.  I got it beat into my head I was not Jesus.  You got it beat into your head you were not Jesus.  We all got it beaten into our heads we were not "perfect in the eyes of God." However, while this should not have an effect on your romantic relations, there's a disturbing trend amongst young Christian girls where Jesus is not just their spiritual "savior," but their:

husband
boyfriend
provider
soul mate
gigilo
and, crass as this may be, masturbatory material (any takers that this is not the case sometimes?)

So how precisely do you compete against that?

The answer is - you don't.

You cannot compete against perfection.

And it is here that I humbly request that you consider a humble secularist's opinion.  Primarily that:

1.  These self-proclaimed "Christian girls" really aren't Christian and instead use the religion as a tool to leverage power over you

and

2.  If you choose to be ignorant of their un-Christian intentions you will be taken advantage of by fraudulent, faux, fake Christians

The truth is that most 20 something girls (and boys) are not capable of the mature, adult, indepdent thinking that is required to fully vette and think through something as soulful and important as religion.  Ergo, nearly 100% of the self-proclaimed "Christian" women you're trying to date really do not deep down inside believe what their parents have shoved down their throats the past 20 years.  Ergo, my humble, evil, heathen, secularist opinion is, that any women, especially under 30, who adamantly proclaims to be a Christian does not do so out of geniune deep and ponderous thought, but rather manipulation and self-advancement.  Perhaps not consciously, but it IS DEFINITELY not for Christ.  The social benefits that come from joining a religion, the mental calm not having to ponder a godless universe, and the mental stability in having an always loving, always forgiving father/husband figure around.

While these things ancillary benefits to religion can be considered "good" things, the problem is there's a dark side to believing in a religion for ulterior purposes.  Namely to view/abuse Jesus/Christianity as an excuse, a perpetual forgiviness, but worst (and most tempting of all) a tool by which to abuse, extract resources from, lord over, and control naive people who actually believe their claims of faith.

No doubt many of you young Christian men have ran into arguments where your logical and well-reasoned points were mooted, if not, completely dismissed with a mis-interpreted quote from the bible.  No doubt many of you have been told "they just don't see Christ in your heart."  No doubt you've been compared to Super-Alpha Jesus.  And, like everybody out there who's dating a Christian girl, you no doubt have a story where she "just couldn't date you" citing religious reasons, but then went out with some guy who violated thrice the rules she had placed on you (mine is one who got drunk, made out with an illegal alien, then complained to me he was calling her.  But we couldn't kiss after a second date because we weren't engaged).

The larger point is that I simply request you stop, take off the Christian goggles for a second, step back and look at what is happening empirically. 

Are the majority of Christian girls you date using religion and Christ as a means to enhance your relationship?  To be a better person?  To make your time together more enjoyable?

Or

Are they using it as a tool, if not a weapon, to constantly keep you on edge, criticize you against Christ, lecture you, berate you, and ultimately control you making the relationship painful and like pulling teeth?

Perhaps you can see it from this here secularist's viewpoint.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

My advice to young Christian men is to forget about the Christian dating scene entirely.

So called Christian girls can be as cold and heartless as some of the worst harpies you'll ever meet. And despite the propaganda they will have their legs in the air for that hot guy within a half hour.

A better place to find a wife or LTR is the university, art gallery or any other venue where young people congregate.

Bike Bubba said...

Well said; it's worth noting that I've cringed at the "God's Gym" t shirts featuring an impossibly muscular Samson--which the Bible does not describe. Same basic principle as you discuss, and how does the skinny engineer compete?

On the flip side, I've also noticed that most women do not like the impossibly buff look--that's, shall we say, more the province of those participating in "Pride" parades, along with specimens of "lesser sexual morality" among heterosexuals. So there is hope.

Wraith said...

Former atheist, now Christian. I'd say you got it dead on, and this post should be spread far and wide--ESPECIALLY among Christians.

Well done, sir.

Bob Wallace said...

I've seen this before, and I consider it a homosexual porn fantasy of Jesus.

Anonymous said...

http://online.wsj.com/articles/these-days-rock-cover-bands-cant-seem-to-get-gigs-1405564202?mod=WSJ_hppMIDDLENexttoWhatsNewsSecond

Loved this:

Bar-band gigs started getting less reliable about a decade ago, when the music business wobbled and club owners hurt by recession reduced their budgets, industry experts say. Tighter drinking-and-driving laws and costly licensing fees haven’t helped.

Sterling Howard, 67, owner of Musician’s Contact, a referral service, has helped rockers get gigs for 40 years, and he has never seen it so bad. Young men don’t go to bars as much in the hopes of meeting women, he says, while some people prefer open-mics or even silence to a loud band playing Bad Company tunes.

“People are watching their own drunken friends, which is maybe more entertaining,” Mr. Howard says.

Peregrine John said...

Insane muscle mass, lack of wounds, deliberate breaking of the cross that was the culmination of the whole reason for the thing... Yeah. Aside from the rest of the idiocy you pointed out, it's as historically and theologically sound as Magdalene taking a selfie with Pilate.

Kristophr said...

These "Christian" girls always lose their Christianity once you start quoting Matthew at them.

I guess they don't like that obey your husband part.

archerfisher21 said...

Hmm. I would disagree that young people can't think through things and actually decide on a faith themselves.

Though I would agree... yeah, a huge percent of the young girls in churches pray on Sunday, then go out and have sex Monday. The first girl I ever had a date with was a 7th Day Adventist named Ana... she was the sort of Christian who refused to drink, who posted Bible verses and such on her facebook page... and when I met her, I found out she had a partner count of 4, minimum, at age 22. And later when she was ditching me (there had been a chance to make my move, but I thought we were both prim Christians) she actually used religion as a reason...

And my own younger sister. Christian, youth group, Christian friends, loved Church. Me, I was always bored to death, and my parents concluded I didn't believe, because how could I not like church, and my younger sister loved church youth group?

We later found out she was cutting, all her church friends new it, and she lost her virginity in church. Literally. In an empty meeting room.

So, yeah, that's one more point I'd disagree. Dating in church is fine. Consider--you'll be a wolf running around with a bunch of beta dogs as competition! You'll look better, because so much of the other guys will be sheer wimps. Just keep your game on and treat them the same as any other girl.

Anonymous said...

I hate being made of flesh and blood.

Now this Jesus is more like it:

http://currentlychicago.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/robojesus.jpg

Caustic Christian said...

Young Christian guys really are in a tough bind. Especially if they are sincere Christians, who have thought about the big questions, truly believe God exists, and that Biblical commands should be obeyed. They can't have sex outside of marriage, can't marry non-Christians (unequally yoked, etc.) and the Christian girls they can marry are, on the whole, often just as bad as the secular ones. It's easy enough for secular guys rejecting marriage, they can still get laid. Christian guys, not so much. Easy solution, right? Just stop being a Christian. Too bad belief doesn't work that way.

Anonymous said...

@caustic christian

the only real way for a intellectually honest christian to stop being christian is the discovery of the tomb of jesus complete with his bones. Only through disproving the resurrection do they stop being christian.

TroperA said...

For many of these girls, Jesus is just a pimp, introducing them to bad boy hunks (to get a thorough grounding in carnal knowledge, which they'll need to become a "sexually well rounded person"), then guiding them to their beta provider once the Wall starts to loom.

Pimp Jesus and Supply Side Jesus should definitely get together and star in their own comic some day.

kitty said...

Heya Cap! Another great post. I went to private "Christian" school and asked mom to homeschool because couldn't stand the hypocrisy of my female peers. Still Facebook "friends" with some of them, (in late 20's now) and they are ALL tatted up single moms who post "Christian" quips on FB. One thing to add to what you said: from my experience, Christian women always look down on men in general and beat the Bible over the head of Christian men in particular regarding pornography, sex, or female sexual attractiveness (*most* Christian women are manipulative selfish control-freaks). Yet, watching romantic comedies is a "clean, wholesome" fun activity that Christian women can do, right? Well, I tell you what, modern romantic movies are big steaming piles of horse poop. They depict men as stupid, push over, integrity compromisers who will do ANYTHING for the heroine no matter how feminist she is. It's the perfect platform for comparing and dissatisfied complaining about men at large or the man you have. He's never good enough because he doesn't measure up to the ideal romantic actors. Trust me, I've been in the post female-porn emotional masturbation catharsis room with them when the credits are rolling. It's horrifying. The other sad scary thing is that they are so selfishly impulsive and indulgent in often excluding guys from chick flick night parties and just have fast food and/or deserts. I know you can't make hard fast rules and none of it is explicitly wrong, but Christian women are called to be hospitable and busy with their hands and loving and good homemakers and cook etc so that, as Proverbs says, "her husband is known at the gates." I never see girls including guys and serving them food, getting them drinks, trying to get to know them, etc. It's usually just girls' night with bon bons and pjs. Anyway, another thing for my wonderful Christian brothers to look out for (Pretty much most women): "Christian" women who like, and yes, try to force you to endure what I think is "Christian female porn". Or, "romantic comedies" so called. Sorry about my gender, I sure don't have the answer. Heck, I have only one good, non-feminist Christian friend and she lives far away and haven't seen her in a year and a half. Hang in there, don't dumpster dive compromise. :)

Anonymous said...

Cue "In the Garden."
http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/In_the_Garden/

Lyricise a sappy drinking song and gather up the enraptured flower of womanhood, high on the Jesus juice!

CelticTigerDad said...

I never actually sat down and read the New Testament until I was 40. I approached it in a cynical manner with a load of preconceived notions about "gentle Jesus meek and mild", and "The Price of Peace, the pitiful Lamb of God".

Half way through I thought I'd got some wrong copy of the text. Where is the meek, unmanly wimp all those pastors and woman talk about? But no, I had a NRSV version translated directly from the ancient Greek.

No meek and mild man was in this writing. If Jesus was so meek and mild, then how come they executed him?

Christianity has (over centuries) been womanized, feminized and changed into something it never was in the ancient Church. It was a Church for men.

Here's some books to read on this:
- The Church Impotent: The Feminization of Christianity by Leon J. Podles
- No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women and Children by Paul Coughlin
- Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow

Anonymous said...

As a KJV only, independent, fundamentalist Baptist.

I have to wholeheartedly agree with you.

You put it into a context that has allowed me to understand my situation much deeper.

I was smoking and drinking and sleeping around with girls until about 3 years ago. Around that time I had started going to church and started looking for a Christian wife.

Turns out that I am pretty low on the desirability list because of my past behavior. Which is understandable. But having the bar set where it is, is ridiculous.

Red Knight said...

I'm pretty sure that Macho Jesus picture is meant to be satirical, like Republican Jesus or Supply-Side Jesus.

That said, I do think this blog post is onto something. It reminds me of a post comment on (IIRC) Dalrock's blog, which went something like this: "Christian girls have even worse rationalization hamsters than secular girls, because there's no hamster like a holy-spirit-fueled one." And that was said by a young, marriage-minded Christian guy.

And I suspect he's right. A religious hamster has a whole additional metaphysical dimension to draw on. Including the most straightforward hamsterization for divorce: "God would not want me to be unhappy".