Monday, March 04, 2013

Operation Coffee House VIII

My god, where do I start with this one?

I believe I have found the "hive" or "mothership" of all coffee houses in Minneapolis.  This coffee house has got to have every variable, trait and characteristic of every coffee house in the area.  It confirms every stereotype to the point it is comical.

First there's "Mr. I-Bike-Year-Round."  You can tell because there is only one bike parked outside the cafe, not that his winterized attire would give it away either.  Gloves, winter pants, a full beard for extra insulation.  Though I'll give him more credit than any other man in the entire joint.  Those year round cyclists are hard core and are in shape.  However, working at a bike shop myself in the liberal part of town, I KNOW FOR A FACT that is because they cannot afford a car.  But don't point that out to them.  They'll tell you they're doing it for the environment.

Second, let's continue on about the men.  I swear, I wish I could take a picture, but that would violate these people's privacy.  But if you saw what I saw, you'd laugh.  There's a line of men, most of them bald, most of them still in their twenties, all with thick rimmed horned glasses, all, ALL of them with Apple laptops.  I so wish I could take a picture because it looks like a bunch of soldiers lined up for inspection.  It would make a great "motivational poster" where it could be titled "Conformity - The harder you try not to, the more you fail."

Another thing I notice about the men is the lisp or the effeminate voice.  I don't believe any of them are gay, but I do know they have lower levels of testorerone.  This is the latest generation to come off the assembly line, go to college, graduate and now drift aimlessly in their twenties.  Without genuine challenge or rigor, their bodies and biology have failed to produce the  testosterone and hormones necessary to make them look "manly."  You think I'm arrogant when I say I can kick every guys ass in the joint (when I myself am a smaller fellow), but that is not arrogance.  It IS a testament to this developmental disorder these men have.

Third, related to hormones, the women.  Maybe it's not a lack of a challenging or physically demanding environment that explains the "Low T" these men have, as much as it is the women.  They're...well...what you'd expect.  None of them are wearing make up.  Most are pretty ugly.  And while the majority of them are in their 20's and early 30's, there is the handful of older women who wistfully look around the coffee shop, perhaps trying to find their youth.  Regardless, none of these would inspire your glands to secrete testosterone. Nobody here (men or women) have seen the insides of a calculus book.

Fourth, yes, of course.  Art.  I told you this shop had all the amenities of your lefty coffee shop!

Today's local artist is a guy who specializes in taking figurines and posing them near lakes to make the scenery look bigger and more dramatic.  I sure hope he spent a ton of money on his BA in Art to come up with that clever little tactic.  Again, it's something I could do, therefore it isn't art.  Perhaps he could take his figurine ability and work for Robot Chicken...naw, that would actually take skill and effort.

Fifth, even though I didn't see a sign that banned guns from these premises, I'm pretty sure I'm once again the only person carrying.  I swear if a criminal wants an easy mark, coffee shops are it.  These people are not so much against violence (who isn't?  I am!), as much as they are afraid of it.  They are so afraid of the reality that there is violence in the world their choice is to ignore it and "hope it goes away."  I guarantee you if any violent or aggressive person came in here you would have one of those scenes where people would just stand and watch.  Not out of a worry of law suits being filed, but they're be scared stiff.

Sixth, oh yes, everything is green.  You knew that already, but the establishment has put a poster up parading its various accomplishments and achievements in going green (picture is not rotated correctly because blogger is being difficult now)



















One huge thing that is missing should be very obvious - profit.

"Free meetings held?"
"Acres of trees saved by switching to LED light bulbs???"
"Full time job equivalents????"

Again, it's like suggesting a whole new accounting system be based off of Facebook "likes" and not the real world currency coming in and out of the joint.  Oh well, even though profits are evil, I'm sure they'll find out it's also necessary for the joint to remain open.

Sixth, the coffee.  It ain't bad.  I'm not developing my pallet (sp?), but it sure as hell beats out the goat cheese coffee from the other day.

Post Script - I WAS able to get a picture of the Apple Soldiers lined up for inspection.  Faces of course deleted for privacy's sake:


14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ever go to Lucia's restaurant in Uptown? You'll love it, HA

Glen said...

If you're ever in the Nashville area (specifically Millersville, a community about 20 or so miles north of Nashville), you should visit Authentic Coffee. Take all the stereotypes you list and think of the opposite. That's Authentic Coffee. On Friday nights they have a bluegrass jam session and people play in every nook and cranny of the place (and I know some of the pickers carry). And on Sunday, they have a church service in the morning. Yeah, they have wi-fi but I've never seen an Apple notebook when I've been there (I assume people do have iPhones though).

John Henry said...

I really enjoyed that post. I go the local java joints in my town (on Vancouver Island) and see much of the same. I do not bring my apple laptop with me. I do my computer stuff at home. Staring at a computer screen is not social so why do it in public. I always thought a coffee house was a social environment where people do some people watching. So ... I usually bring a friend the chat with instead of a computer.

I just listened to your interview with the Nomad Capitalist. I enjoyed it. I cannot believe how much you and I think alike and share views on what's up.

I have lived the enjoy Decline life-style but not to spite the looming decline, but rather to enjoy my life and live it the way I want to. In the process, I managed accumulate enough to enjoy a comfortable retirement. Not that my life earnings were all that large ... I spend half my adult life as a poor road musician and the last half as a small service business owner of the home based variety. I simply always lived below my means and invested wisely. My idea of a vacation is a motorcycle trip to Oregon to catch a Steely Dan concert.

Your Decline book should be mandatory reading in schools.

Paul, Dammit! said...

The T issue is pretty intriguing to me- makes me think it would be a worthwhile venture for some (presumably female) anthropology grad student to look at whether biology or behavioral modification is pulling these unhealthy specimens into a subculture of their own. Maybe it's a chicken and egg question, but I think it's a valid one- do they gather because it's a safe house for genetic slightly-irregular grade beta men, or does the environment shape the men into the sad display you saw? I'm sure it's a sliding scale, but either way I can't help but wonder at your sadomasochistic project of spending time with these poor folks.

Sidhant Dhamija said...

Wow captain, this is a great look into the lives of these people through their appearance, and characteristics. I really believe your outside appearance says a lot about you. The low T thing is really an widespread problem with us young men nowadays. thx

Anonymous said...

Baldy guys DO have testosterone:

http://hairlossconsult.com/what-role-does-testosterone-play-in-male-pattern-baldness/

James Wolfe said...

Low testosterone, or at least the appearance of such, may be more of a choice than biological. At work a couple of coworkers were asking why I wasn't in a hurry to finish the divorce process and get on with my life because it would severely limit my possibilities (of finding a woman). They were both on there second marriages. I told them that depends on what your goals are in life. I have no interest in being tied down to another woman. I've spent most of my life dating or married to a woman and I'm perfectly happy without them. No compromise, no drama, and if I hate the drapes I can rip them down and throw them out. They both smiled and laughed and said you got a point there. These men might look and act that way to AVOID women. Or they might be gay. Who knows? :)

Anonymous said...

palate

you're welcome

Anonymous said...

I go to work every day in a sewage treatment plant QC lab. Have done for 26 years.(They call it "wastewater treatment" now, but crap is still crap.)

I can't say I really like my job, but it has paid the bills. I do know this...Your job is harder. Coffee shops, hippie grocery stores, any of those places give me the creeps. I feel like a spy in enemy territory. A very safe spy...I do carry a gun, after all...but awkward and out of place. These posts of yours are like reports on an alien civilization.

Enjoy the decline.
Paul

gauthijm said...

The T issue is pretty intriguing to me- makes me think it would be a worthwhile venture for some (presumably female) anthropology grad student to look at whether biology or behavioral modification is pulling these unhealthy specimens into a subculture of their own. Maybe it's a chicken and egg question, but I think it's a valid one- do they gather because it's a safe house for genetic slightly-irregular grade beta men, or does the environment shape the men into the sad display you saw? I'm sure it's a sliding scale, but either way I can't help but wonder at your sadomasochistic project of spending time with these poor folks.

--> Seems there are several serious articles that attempt to explain this factor; it's obviously behavioral as well as 1 more thing

The study said that the high levels of estrogen from all the females living in inner city cores has seeped into teh water supply in myriad ways

Birth control pills flushed down the toilets, and all the otehr unmentionables, has raised estrogen so high in the water supply that the men ar ebeing "feminized" it ws quite convincing, and very well researched, but I dont have alink anymore

I believe it, basically

Also, the fact that females like feminized men it seems (look at their Hollywood idols, men wise, Leonardo DiCaprio, please.....) and youll see a sea change from Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, etc etc.

Discuss! :)

J

Billy said...

'Acres of trees saved by switching to LED light bulbs' is typical of the logic of most greenies. Never realized we were still using wood to fuel power plants, foolish me thinking we used coal or natural gas or hydro to run power plants.

K said...

J,

No link to birth control, but check out what oxazepam does via instapundit: http://pjmedia.com/instapundit/163553/

Glenn also raises the question as to whether this applies to birth control hormones, as well.

K

Anthony said...

Even if you're not there, the staff of a coffeeshop doesn't have to be carrying to deter a robbery. Hot coffee can be a weapon. Of course, you have to have the presence of mind to use your weapon, whatever it is.

Anonymous said...

They look like they have the demeanor of women. lol