Thursday, April 16, 2009

Advice for My Younger Cappy Cap Brothers

WARNING - This post contains somewhat adult commentary/situations so if you have youth around or are easily offended I'd suggest not reading further.

I often forget what I have been through and this I don't think is coincidence. I think the mind, to maintain its sanity tries to purge or at least subconsciously avoid you having to think about things in the past that are so depressing, if not debilitating, that you have gone through that you would not be able to function or would be severely depressed if you remembered them in full and in all of their gory detail. However, at the same time, you have to view these trials and tribulations throughout life as learning experiences and if you are to be any kind of honorable "elder" you will pass on what you learned through your successes and mistakes so that the future generations may have a more productive and successful life than you. Ergo, I think it is time for a lesson for the younger male cappy caps out there who read this blog and who I often forget do make up a considerable percentage of my readership. So permit me this lesson as I think it will be of great help and benefit to the younger men out there.

Story 1

There was a time in the Captain's youth when he was comely enough to court two ladies at the same time. Well, actually the Captain was comely enough in his youth for this to be a regular event and not always were there two girls, but perhaps maybe even 3, or 4...I think even one time 5. In any case this ONE time (in band camp) he was courting two girls. Both started off as awesome candidates for long term courting potential. But then one of them stood up the Captain, canceling their date at the last minute. The Captain, not worried because of his diversified portfolio continued on his merry life and continued dating the other girl. However, the first candidate then asked him out again, to which the Captain agreed, only to have the date be canceled at the last minute. This continued on until one final time, they had a date and the girl (you guessed it) called the Captain and said she was too sick to go out. The Captain, undeterred by her cancellation, hopped in his Captain Capitalismobile and headed for the evening. However, whilst he was filling up his car with gas, he saw right before his eyes, the "very sick girl" who was "too ill to go out that night" drive past him in her car enroute to the city.

It was here the Captain decided that he was no longer going to bother with this one girl and instead decided to dedicate himself to the other girl who by this time had NEVER stood him up, NEVER lied to him and NEVER played any childish, middle school girl games with him. After getting gas he went to his favorite neighborhood bar where he saw "Amy" who was a friend of the "very sick" girl who was currently heading towards Minneapolis. She asked the Captain,

"So Captain, how's it going with Girl X?"

I replied, "Not too well. I've decided I will not longer court her and instead will dedicate myself to Girl Y."

Amy, visibly disturbed said, "What???!!! Girl X was ready to commit to you! She got rid of her boyfriend in California (to which was new news to the Captain) and was ready to date you!"

To which the Captain replied,

"Nope, I don't care. She stood me up too many times, she lied to me about being sick and I don't know about this California guy, but Girl Y is reliable, has never lied to me and actually treats me nice and good. I don't have time for childish games and if Girl X wanted to go out with me, then tough cookies, she just blew away her chances."

The Captain then finished his drink, paid his tab, went home and fell asleep. And I had every right to do so WITHOUT WORRY, for you see, when men dump women or just "stop dating" them, we don't have to worry about any kind of revenge or "consequence." We just STOP CALLING. It's one of the great advantages of being a man. We just stop chasing. The girl keeps running never ever thinking it was even a remote possibility the man would stop chasing her, and we just go home, pour a whiskey and light up a cigar and we never see the girl again.

Or so I thought.

The next morning I get a distraught call.


Half awake I said, "Yeah?"

"It's Girl X! We have to talk!"

Now at this point in time, I didn't see what possible point there would be in talking. We never "dated" officially and went on several dates, interspersed with her canceling and standing me up 2 times for every 1 date we went on. You could have certainly NEVER claimed we were boyfriend and girlfriend, not to mention with Mr. California whom she was presumably seeing (a convenient 2,500 miles away), ergo I thought this odd that we had to "have a talk."

Now by this time, I will admit, I wasn't a rookie. By this time I was more or less a fully trained Jedi knight and basically said, "Heh, yeah, sure, I'll give you a call sometime."

Sensing my indifference and complete lack of desire to call her, "NO, I'M SERIOUS, WE HAVE TO TALK!!!"

I said, "No, we don't. I'll call you when I feel like it."

"Well you better call me!"

I said, "Yeah, sure."

And hung up.

Almost immediately after hanging up I figured that sooner or later I would have to have "the talk" with the girl, even though we were never dating. It was only putting off the inevitable, so I decided that I would call her, endure the pointless and baseless argument she would tender forth, rely on plain, simple, adult logic to explain why I would not be "dating" her any more and be done with it. Thus I called her back, said, yes, I'd be willing to talk and to have her come over.

She came over, tight lipped and I could almost sensed she was going to give me "what I deserved." We went downstairs where she then began to yell at me and lecture me about how dare I just break up with her, and she thought I was different and that I was one of the few guys who "got it" and blah blah blah. I tried to make some points or explain things to her, but I quickly observed anything I said was summarily ignored as she continued on her tirade. She was going on and on, but then said something rather unique;

"Oh, and I know about Girl Y."

Apparently, Amy had spilled the beans.

"Oh, and you know what's sad? You just like her because she treats you nice and cooks for you and everything."

And that was the most precious statement of all the argument.

"You just like her because SHE TREATS YOU NICE AND COOKS FOR YOU and everything."

Right now I can hear men saying global-wide, "well, duh!?"

No, we like the women that treat us like shit and never cook or do anything nice for us. THose are the ones we go after.

It was from here on that I knew this girl was delusional and psychotic and there was no point in entertaining the notions of an adult conversation with an adult resolution. She gave me my opportunity as she continued on with a litany of things "wrong" with me;

"You know that one time I wouldn't sleep with you!?"

Having a hard time trying to nail that night down I said, "Uh, no, what night?"

"The night you wanted to have sex and I wouldn't let you. I said I didn't think it was what was best?!"

Remembering it slightly I said, "Uh, yeah, I think so."

"Yeah, well that was just because I knew you were a player, Captain. I knew you were a player and I was going to see if you could handle a girl rejecting you!"

Sensing her kind of weird, self-made sense of self-control I said in the most straight faced and stone cold demeanor (because I was that serious),

"Well Girl X, you don't ever have to worry about that again, because I never want to sleep with you again."

Now, you must understand that this girl was a "party girl" from California. She was a car model for GM. And if memory serves me correctly, she may have even been in one of them modern day pin up calendars. Regardless, the whole point was that she was overly physically attractive. And never, in her entire approaching-30 years of life, had a guy turned her down or ever told her they would not sleep with her. Never, had a guy been immune to her single (and arguably) only quality; her looks.

The blow she delivered was weak, but not weak enough to not leave a slight black eye. Regardless, what was more shocking to me was not so much being punched in the face, but a woman who was 29 punched me at the age of 31 because I just didn't want to go out with her.

Story 2

Many years ago in the Captain's youth, he was deemed "a good guy." So "good of a guy" he was deemed by his friends, one of his friends decided to set him up with one of her girlfriends "Ms. Taiwan." Ms. Taiwan was a drop dead gorgeous girl. Her previous boyfriend who was a Minnesota Viking or maybe a MInnesota Timberwolf (I can't remember) was a "jerk" and our mutual friend wanted to set us up. She lived in a private estate in north St. Paul with her parents who were directly related to some of the head honchos in the Kuomintang Party of Taiwan. Cumulatively the parents had a net worth of over $1 billion and when the Captain went to pick up Ms Taiwan in his 1985 Cutlass Supreme (with out the muffler), they not only asked him to park the car three blocks down from their house so as not to bring shame to their family, but also got to endure a conversation about why he wasn't of Chinese/Taiwanese descent (even though he tried, MULTIPLE TIMES to explain he was a mix of Irish, German, and Jew and ALL OF THIS WAS BEYOND HIS CONTROL). One would think the anti-Irishgermanjew sentiment of the parents would be enough to drive him away, but no, their daughter did a splendid job of that by herself.

The Captain knew something was already amiss when on their SECOND DATE Ms. Taiwan answered the door in a naughty catholic school girl outfit. Certainly, the first date had gone alright, but nothing to warrant the outfit on the second date, and though just as male as any other guy, this willingness to don an outfit was making a worrying twingling sensation in the back of the Captain's head. However, the twingling sensation would soon be validated. For as they went forth on the third date and your beloved Captain went to get some gas and he went inside to pay. Upon his return to his car the girl was sitting in a pouting like fashion. Not noticing it too much, the Captain continued on his date and continued to drive.

Now if you want to look this up on Google Satellite to see how the next 20 minutes of this date went start at the intersection of Louisiana and Texas in St. Louis Park and plot directions to Hwy 280 and 35W.

By 394 and Louisiana the Captain noticed the girl was upset. Not thinking there was anything the Captain could have done to possibly upset this girl he said, "What's wrong?"

To which Ms. Taiwan responded, "If you don't know, then the hell if I'm telling you."

Again, not a fully trained Jedi knight, but enough of a guy to know I didn't do anything wrong, I had a hard time validating that statement by playing "20 questions."

By the intersection of Hwy 100 and 394 I had said, "I'm not going to play 20 questions, what is it?"

This then triggered screaming and accusations and yelling and crying from 100 and 394 to...

280 AND 35W

Nearly 14 miles of non-stop bitching and crying and sobbing and name calling and drama and other things that could all be categorized in the category of "shit" which culminated into....

A suicide threat on the bridge over 280 and 35W. She was going to jump out of the car at 65 MPH and if she survived would jump off the bridge.

I was, I think, all of 23 years old.

Oh, and by the way, guess what she was mad about?

That I didn't OFFER TO BUY HER A SODA when I went in to pay for gas!!!!

Story 3

The Captain had met a quite attractive, but above all else, a quite moxie-fied girl named say, "Julie." She was 25, she was drop dead gorgeous and not only did she want to learn how to dance she was also in training for a marathon (the Captain is an avid runner). Naturally we started dating, dancing and running, but soon problems would be found out by the fourth date. For by the fourth date, that's the date where you are more or less obliged to kiss. If you don't, then you are just friends, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just a little late in the game to not be kissing.

Twas the end of our fourth date, we had gone salsa dancing and when invited to come into the Captain's Pad she agreed. I threw in Father Goose which is one of my all-time favorite movies, she laid down on the couch, I poured her a glass of wine and we then watch the movie as we spooned. We were tired and didn't make it through much of the movie, but she was already nestling her nose in the back of my neck. Thinking this was a for sure fire thing WITHOUT EVEN KISSING HER, I asked her if she wanted to go to bed. She said, "yes."

We got to bed, her still rubbing her nose in the back of my neck and when I went in for a kiss...

She stopped

Sat up

Looked surprised

and said,


Completely confused I said, "What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm trying to kiss you!"

To which she responded (are you ready for this?)

"Well, I'm not kissing any man until we're engaged."

If the look on my face could have been photographed at that moment in time it would have been in the Smithsonian.

Obviously I stopped dating her, but within one week she went salsa dancing, had one martini, ended up having her much-anticipated first kiss (and make out session) with an illegal alien who didn't speak English, but not before she gave him her phone number and when he left messages for her broken English and wouldn't stop calling, guess who she called to ask what to do?

I was about 30 or 31 at the time.

Now I could go on. I literally could with a limitless number of stories that are just as shocking and appalling as those mentioned above. But the larger point of all these stories is an important one and one that I wish to get to younger men in America as quickly and as early on in their lives as possible, and it is this;

No, you're not insane, the women are.

Now this may seem like a funny ha ha, half jesting lesson, but it is not. And the reason it is not is because in order to learn this lesson ON YOUR OWN you would have to go through the hell I and all the other 30 something men in America have gone through. And not only that (and this is key) you have to be driven to such insane lengths and endure such insane situations that you have NO CHOICE but to make the arrogant assumption that there might not be something wrong with you, but rather something wrong with society. This is an arrogant assumption because when is it the "individual" is right and "society" is wrong? But I'm here to tell you that this is just such the case.

If you are a younger man in the US and you cannot believe or comprehend just the sheer magnitude of idiocy you have to deal with when dating, understand it is NOT you, it is society. And the reason I bring up this overall and very important point is because you do not deserve to endure the hell you have to go through from puberty on thinking somehow you are the one to blame for the insanity. There comes a point in time where you just have too much experience and empirical evidence where you have to look back and say, "OK, am I really that insane? Have I really goofed up? What on god's green earth did i do to deserve to have that girl threaten to kill herself? What did I do so that girl would not kiss me until we were engaged? What did I do to have that girl stand me up?"

You didn't do anything. It's just the way girls are.

Now I know I will catch much flak for this post, but I don't care. I'm sick of good honorable men getting stood up, lied to, cheated on or just plain mind-effed with because literal "girls" think its funny to stand men up. I'm sick of seeing boys or young men grow up under an environment that turns them into cynical full grown men who abandon marriage or courtship altogether because girls wanted to play little middle school girl games or re-enact scenes they've seen from 90210 for 2 decades. And I'm dirt tired of seeing men, not much younger than myself, go through their teens and 20's utterly confused, and worse, somehow thinking there's something wrong with them, when there's nobody older than them saying, "Hey kid, here's the reality of the situation. Here's the ropes. Sorry, we didn't make the rules, but at least you know it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you."

I also fully intend to put a stop to clueless mothers telling their younger sons, "Well YOU must be looking in the wrong places. There must be something wrong with YOU that you are attracting these types of girls." And replace it with the concept that maybe all there is to select in the population is Britney Spears and a limitless sea of sociology majors.

Regardless, as in tune with the original theme of this post, permit me my young, aspiring male (and female, because some of these rules would apply to you too) junior, deputy and aspiring economists a couple rules or tidbits of wisdom that will help make your younger years easier to deal with and perhaps save you a couple bucks and hours along the way;

1. Life is short, you're going to die, quit trying to pick up chicks at bars. Bars/nightclubs are where stupid people go because they have no conversation skills and need to rely on their looks to get them buy. Girls in particular just go there to get free drinks (I did a survey on this on my economics students and that was the number one reason girls go to bars, not for you, for your propensity to buy them drinks). Instead pick up a hobby or activity that YOU want to do. You will find similarly minded girls and without the loud bass BOOM BOOM BOOM, chances are she'll be smart enough to converse with you.

2. Learn to ballroom/swing/salsa dance. You don't have time to rely on one liners or meeting Suzie Jones in class or to have your friends get off their lazy asses and set you up. Dancing is a great and polite means by which to meet a girl. For every hour you spend learning dance you will save yourself literally 10 hours at a bar with the same amount of success. And NO, it doesn't matter if you "like" to dance, it's your job to do it.

3. At the first sign of trouble, ditch the girl. You look out for number one, YOU. You, especially if you are going to school and working, don't have time for it. If a girl acts weird, or perhaps a better way of putting it is her behavior is "hypocritical" bail. Immediately. You don't have time for games. I'm sure curiosity gets you, like "Why is she acting weird" but it has been my experience you will never find out "why" and the question will be evaded (also, the "why" tends to be another guy, so don't compete, again you don't have the time, you have you to work on).

4. Akin to three, one strike and you're out. I had a buddy Tony, who said something very wise. When he was stood up or a girl didn't call him back his mother would come up with theories as to why. "Well, maybe she got hit by a truck. Maybe the electricity went out in her neighborhood. Maybe she tripped and hit her head and forgot she had a date." But inevitably, Tony said, it all boiled down to that the girl just plain didn't want to go out with you. Think about it, if you had an interview for a job you really wanted, or you really wanted to go on a date with a girl, if you couldn't make it, you would call. If she really wanted to go out with you, she would call. She didn't so quit wasting your time. Which leads us to...

5. Ball in Court Theory - Consider calling or e-mailing or "texting" (what you young punk kids do nowadays) a basketball or a ping pong ball. If you throw or hit the ball to the opponent the ball is in their court. You can't hit it back until they hit it back to you. Don't be an idiot and call/e-mail them if you already did so once. That's it. If they don't call you back, don't call them back. You'll look like an idiot just like you would swinging at a ping pong ball that isn't there.

6. Date Math Girls - Math girls not only tend to be more employable, but I've never had a engineering major/engineer stand me up. Not once. Women that are in the sciences are always on time and are least likely to lie about their availability (a major reason why the majority of girls I dated in college were Asian, they were all in engineering, computer science, physics, etc.). Business majors, HA! Those are your future power hungry HR directors. Give me a geek girl any day.

7. Ask your self "What is my opportunity cost?" - I look back at it and my best times in college and my twenties were NOT with girls. They were with my friends (be they guys or girls). Rock climbing, video games, drinking, you name it. They are always there, they are always willing to hang out and you are GUARANTEED to have a good time. Consider your expected rate of return on a Friday night; Go clubbing where you have a 2% chance of getting a girl's number and a 10% chance of it being a right one and a 10% chance of her actually going out with you (.0002 chance of you going on the date) or play some video games while drinking beer with your friends 100% chance.

8. Do not chase, they will chase you. If there is an important rule, this is it. Life is too short chasing after people. You have to do your own thing that you enjoy and live life and meet the people along the way. The frat boy at the bar with his cap on backwards with the Ambercrombie and Fitch. Yeah, not getting as much play as the guy playing ultimate frisbee with his friends who heads up a tornado chasing expedition and knows how to dance. And the reason why is the A&B boy is a conformist. Girls can get those a dime a dozen. If you're out doing your own thing, girls will be attracted to that. Better yet, girls that like the stuff you do will be attracted to that so you don't have to endure listening to her speculate on "American Idol" or "Obama's pecks" but rather she will be like, "Hell yes, let's go to Glacier National and get freaking on a glacier!" Oh, she's not going to show up on your doorstep that instant, but it won't matter. YOu'll be happy doing what you want to do. And for god's sake, playing an acoustic guitar is NOT a hobby.

9. Religious girls. If you're religious. Good for you. If you're not, stay away from them. And I'm not talking the girls that say, "Well I'm Catholic" but haven't been to church in 3 years, I mean girls that go to Christian colleges and won't court any non-Christian guys. God comes first, dad comes second, and somewhere around 573rd place next to "clean toe fungus" is "find and date cool guy." Ranked 1,435,984th is "kiss cool guy." Save yourself the time, it isn't worth it.

10. Go to school until you're 27. There is no point in looking for a partner to set up a family until you're AT LEAST 27, so you might as well get your masters or doctorate. Girls (as well as boys) will not mature until that time. You want to get married before that, enjoy divorce. I would make it 35, but by that time everybody has a kid so start looking, there is the occasional girl that has her act together before that time, but like I said, you have more important things to do like college, besides which, she'll make herself known.

11. Do not tolerate any drama or soap opera stuff. It's weird, but I almost sense a lot of girls, especially when they're younger get more of a kick off of drama than anything approaching a normally functioning relationship. They lay what are called "land mines" which are nothing but traps to give them an excuse to get mad at you (see you didn't buy me a soda). You think they're not common, oh but they are.

12. Sex is not negotiable. I can understand if you are religious and wish to adhere to your principles and I do genuinely salute you. For the remainder of us men, sex is not negotiable. The girl either has sex or not. And if she doesn't that's fine, nothing wrong with it, but don't think you're going to somehow "convince" her. All you're going to do is waste your time. If you want sex, find a girl that is willing to have sex. And if you can't find one, guess what? You have more important stuff to do any way (see hobbies and college).

13. Never tolerate being stood up. And there really isn't anything you can do about this one in the sense that if you're stood up, you have no choice but to be stood up. But you can protect against it. Always have plans with the guys. Always have something else to do. There was a rule I came up with called the 505025 rule, the founding of which was based on the empirical experience I had where 50% of the time the girl would say yes to a date, but only 50% of the time she would actually show up for the date, resulting in a 25% real chance of a date. In actuality it was more like 70/10/7, but the point is even if the girl says yes, chances are you're not going out, especially in your late teens and early 20's. ASSUME you're not, make other plans and if the girl actually pulls through, consider it a bonus.

14. Buy the damn book! You youth cannot afford to be jerking around with worthless degrees. Focus your efforts and resources WISELY and early on, on productive pursuits.

Now there is infinitely more precise bullet points i could give you, but the overall point is to have not only self-respect, but to draw the lines and standards by which who you are or are not going to date. Self-respect because young men waste so much time trying to date girls who frankly are not worth it (and this time could be spent bettering oneself) and also to establish rules and lines so as not to be taken advantage of. The key thing is to not worry if you are having troubles or are immeasurably frustrated by the insanity going on. All guys are. But if you focus on yourself and enjoy YOUR life you can not only endure the 20's and early 30's, but improve yourself immeasurably, and maybe even find that nice girl who has a job and (as Girl X liked to disdain) "has the audacity to treat you nice."



Unknown said...

You hit the nail right on the head dude. Its sad the you only find out this the hard way when your so much in my 30s and its taken me like 15 years of dating to realize either am an alien or there's something wrong with modern women. I mean, why is it if you treat a woman nicely, take her out, treat her like a lady she will in return treat you like sh*t? Figure just because you like her your some kinda wuss! I went out with this gal I was crazy about...and she knew that (big mistake on my part)..she ended up dumping me at which point i calmly (and with a smile on my face) told her its ok, I deleted her number as we spoke and told her I would never call her again and we would probably bump into each other once every leap year. Bout 6 months later I meet the gal in a club and she's mad at me......why? Says she didn't have closure??!! WTF is closure? You dumped me gal!!!

The point is I was crazy about her however I wasn't ready to take her crap and I quickly moved on to other things...and the main point is as a guy you have to look at yourself and realize your a catch, a hunk, your worth getting a decent good woman coz your a decent good man...and you will not compromise on the thousands of nutty women out there.. life is too short

Anonymous said...

1. Is there a correlation between attractiveness and insanity level?

2. Your advice pretty much spells the end of the western world, in that:

a) Fertility in women declines starting about age 26-27
b) If you have not grown up until this age, and don't get married until 35 (and presumably don't have kids until you have been married for a few years), then the great liklihood is that couples on average will have less than the 2.1 children needed for replacement.
c) resulting in eventual demographic collapse

Anonymous said...

I give my younger brothers the exact same advice.

One more bit...after the first 8 weeks in a relationship and that honeymoon period is over, if you're not getting enough sex, dump her.
This will never get better. It will only get worse. All of my married friends confirm this.

Nick said...

So I'm not wrong for being a gentleman? For being punctual, reliable, thoughtful, and keeping my word? Egads!

Many thanks, Captain, many thanks. Being 23 in NYC is no picnic: these women are crazy!

That said, I'm certain that when the events of the fall of our grand civilization are told, feminism will figure prominently in the story.

I can see it now, a thousand years from now, a father telling his son the epic tale of our fall: "And when women no longer valued men for being men, it was over."

Unknown said...

I love these posts. It's many of the same conclusions that I've made, but it took way too long for me to come around. Useful advice all around.

I enjoyed your book.

Joie said...

there are exceptions, truly there are. my husband and i got married young (me, almost 21 and he, 23). yes, we did "grow up" together, it was tough but it was so worth it. we are going on our 11th year of marriage this september. we waited a few years to have our children and found we had some more "growing up" to do. relationships are hard and there is always some "growing up" to do in them. the times of "growing up" also meant "growing pains" and what got us through was some counseling (to help us see beyond ourselves) and committment.
relationships are not pretty, they are dirty, hard, meneial (spelling?), repetative, exhausting, exhilarating, rewarding, fulfilling, vulnerable, a struggle, give and take (that is not always equal), humbling, selfless, enjoyable, irritating, mind blowing, it will suck the life out of you and will breathe the life back into you, it is uphill and downhill, it is always twisting and turning, a refuge (that you strive to turn into a fortress), a special bond, etc., andyway a relationship is supposed to = a committment to eachother. even though everything in this culture of ours seems to provide and do everything in it's power to destroy that. even in the "just" dating world.
so personally (you won't like this), but I think you guys give up too easily and you are not in it for the committment (you are not being the warriors). yep, i admit we girls are F'd up (i was one of them at one time), i thank GOD everyday that my husband found me worth fighting for and dug his heels in for the long haul. i fought him tooth and nail sometimes (i thought i was doing what i was "supposed" to be doing) and i finally got it. i wasn't always terrible...i was mostly finding my way because deep down i loved him, and saw him as my hero...i just didn't know how to translate that into our relationship and not betray my feminist learnings that were drilled in my head for so many years! i opted for my hero, and i opted to learn how to repectfully treat him (i humbled myself), and i was greatly rewarded with one hell of a marriage, that i enjoy with my husband and two great kids. we now mostly have a happy go lucky marriage that we maintain everyday by checking in with eachother, and always choosing first the selfless route.
so i say, don't give up so easily!!! the trick is deciding which lass is worth fighting for.
btw, waht happened to girl x or y (the one you dated regularly that treated you nice and made you dinner?)

Dr. J said...

Amen, Cap'n. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Captain Capitalism said...


You could not have said it better;

"what got us through was some counseling (to help us see beyond ourselves) and committment.
relationships are not pretty, they are dirty, hard, meneial (spelling?), repetative, exhausting, exhilarating, rewarding, fulfilling, vulnerable, a struggle, give and take (that is not always equal), humbling, selfless, enjoyable, irritating, mind blowing, it will suck the life out of you and will breathe the life back into you, it is uphill and downhill, it is always twisting and turning, a refuge (that you strive to turn into a fortress), a special bond, etc., andyway a relationship is supposed to = a committment to eachother. even though everything in this culture of ours seems to provide and do everything in it's power to destroy that. even in the "just" dating world.
so personally (you won't like this), but I think you guys give up too easily and you are not in it for the committment (you are not being the warriors). yep, i admit we girls are F'd up (i was one of them at one time), i thank GOD everyday that my husband found me worth fighting for and dug his heels in for the long haul. i fought him tooth and nail sometimes (i thought i was doing what i was "supposed" to be doing) and i finally got it. i wasn't always terrible...i was mostly finding my way because deep down i loved him, and saw him as my hero...i just didn't know how to translate that into our relationship and not betray my feminist learnings that were drilled in my head for so many years"

Sounds like hell, and a hell that is certainly not worth it, let alone compared to being a bachelor, lighting up a cigar, grilling up some steaks and playing some video games and doing so as I please when I please with no complaints.

Road warrioring is VERY overrated.

besides which I have a girl and there are nowhere near as many complications. Simply because of two reasons;

1. She is a mature responsible adult.

2. I would not tolerate anything but a mature reponsible adult.

Baby sitting time and picking up where daddy left off and did a half ass job of bringing up his daughter to become a real woman is not in my job description NOR should it be in ANY man's job description. We are frankly too damn good for anything else and life is too short to have to work at it.

Spartan said...


Your argument makes no sense.

The 'potential' that we are supposed to fight for is not visible behind the psycho behavior.

I'm not interested in a fixer-upper.

I'm not interested in dealing with being treated poorly.

You seem to imply that this is some sort of 'test' that men need to pass.


We get treated poorly wither way, whether we succeed or not.

I plan to give these women a wide birth.

Nothing will stop most of them from ending up in a house alone with three cats a bad attitude.

They are not worth it.

It sure is gonna be fun to laugh at their saggy old butts and faces as they lament the lack of 'real men'.

They can cry their little spinster selves to sleep every night while I enjoy a life free of nagging and other demands.

Reality will be a bitter pill for most women in the 30-or-so are group.

These women are pissing away the last of their youth and beauty on creeps and losers.

Then they expect a provider to pick up the tab later, after they are bitter and jaded and the shine is off the new car.

I used to want marriage and kids.

Now I am eternally grateful that I have been spared a marriage to an entitled American woman.

Anonymous said...

If you have more of these stories and write them in a humorous vein, you may have the makings of another book.

I have to say that not having dated much and being at least two decades older, the closest I ever had to this was a girl I asked to homecoming declined with an excuse of having to stay home to care for her younger siblings - surprise when I saw her there with another guy. She didn't have to lie, all she had to say was htat she had already been asked out (whether it was true or not).

MTGirl said...

You crack me up! Your so fiesty about this stuff, an do understand why after hearing about how every girl you have ever dated was a knockout. I don't know much about motorcycles, but I have heard it said that for every 1 hour you ride a Harley, you will spend 2 hours fixing it. It kinda sounds like you are a Harley man deep down.

My soapbox point is, guys and girls, don't pull the "I never want to get married!" b.s. on someone your dating and then get self righteous if they dump you. That's about like interviewing someone for a job and telling them that they will never, ever, everevereverEVER be eligible for a promotion or pay raise or extra benefits of ANY kind.

I mean, dating gets freaking old! It's nice to think there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel that isn't the ol' lesbo train.

I am coming up on my 2nd anniversary to the ol' hubby, and I realized about 6 months ago that if we get divorced, I am joining the battery powered nunnery. I just don't even want to think about going through all the little, but earth-shaking at the time, arguments ALL OVER again with someone else. All those "quit ditching me whenever we visit your parents" and "quit eating all the damned ice cream/drinking all the damn beer and never telling me we need to buy more" and "I'm sorry my dad explained to you how Roundup herbicide works for the 20th time" and "I don't care how good of buddies you were with him and his girlfriend in college, she's a crazy bitch and I did NOT refuse to speak to her at the bar, I was just drunk and didn't know who the hell she was!" and all that other stupid roommate crap that has to get worked out so you don't end up getting chewed out because you dusted the elk wrong and he doesn't get annoyed because you insist that coffee cups get put in a different part of the cupboard than the wine glasses.

Nothing like getting the "I'm never getting married" speech and realizing that you get to face all that crap down again.

God, it gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about working all that crap out again, let alone meeting a whole new group of buddies/home town aquantances who keep making nipple comments and then throw up all over the bathroom.

Captain Capitalism said...

MT Girl,

You are of course, as always correct. If I were to stop dating the current girl I have, I do not see any reason (as you do) to go back to all the hellish bullshit that inane immature children put us through.

It really is this simple;

Life is too short for the bullshit. And dating is bullshit.

I will forever smoke my cigars, play my video games, drive my motorcycle and do what I please and never bother with dating a chick ever again.

And what's sad is no girl will notice this "great disturbance in the force" as Spartan pointed out, "until they're 50 with their cats."

Ah, cats, I wonder if God put them there as some cruel joke.

Nick C said...

Dear Captian

As a 17 year old i was just beginning to realise these things. Women are batshit insane

The post was well worth reading


Kenny said...

Having returned to school in my later 30's to earn a professional degree, I am disappointed to say I concur with the sentiments posted here...

The 23-25 year olds that make up the bulk of the student body are interesting to watch. Mostly insecure, bossy and demanding with a sense of entitlement to boot. Heck of a recipe!

The catty comments, the showing off and the constant comparisons really have worn down my faith in the next generation of women.

I have suffered the death of a thousand duck bites from the feminists. They assume all men are evil rapists who oppress females for sheer sport. I shake my head and provide the other side of the equation. My point of view is received with intolerance and ad hominum attacks. Selfish and 'mecentric', this group is truly unrealistic.

One woman, whom I know only in passing from one class, brazenly stated that she did not like an article of my clothing (colour of my shirt). I explained how it was not my job to please her fashion sense and further, her expectations were distorted. The world does not operate based on her opinion. For that, I received a sneer. Hopefully, she will not speak with me again as punishment!

The men are a problem as well. There are a significant number of guys who are door mats for these aggressive, over bearing women. It breaks my heart to see men accept this treatment from a women.

I am a single man in my late 30's, dating women in their 30's (the school crowd is WAY too immature for me). The funniest thing are the first meetings or blind dates. I can anticipate the questions: What do you do for a living, how many children do you want, where do you live, what kind of car do you drive type questions are the norm. Women continue to 'shop' while dating. Rarely do I get questions regarding my beliefs, values, preferences or ideologies.

Men can smell desperation a mile away. It is not attractive.

A bitter woman shopping for security (and I understand the motivation) and a provider in her late 30's has a diminishing dating currency to me. Add in kids from a failed marriage, and you are really losing ground.

What appeals to me? Down to earth, well sorted values, some self confidence, enjoyable company and an appreciation for the differences between men and women.

Too many of the women I have dated wanted a clone of themselves (that 'mecentric' thing again) and were intent on stifling the qualities that make me who I am. Instead of nurturing a relationship (as I try to do), it was always about them. Their ways, their desires, their opinions. Great if my goals happened to fit into their self contained world. Otherwise, constant nagging to get me to change. I did change. The change was my dating status.

I'm not advocating that women should have the traditional roles espoused in the days of yore. I am simply asking them to embrace the qualities that make women special while appreciating the differences of men.

Professional women complain that men are scared of them. I disagree. I contend that men are turned off by women who act like men. Somewhere in the process, these professional women have forgotten what it means to be feminine.

I am a good catch, for that I am sure. I am not perfect. I do not expect perfection in kind. That being said, I refuse to be ‘caught’ by most women. So many are superficial. So few have a depth of personal development or a broad outlook on life.

Thanks for the space to rant!

Hot Sam said...

You know those cheap romance novels where all they do is change the names, places, hair color, etc and they get a new novel? Well my dating experiences sound just like yours except the names and places were different. Same arguments, same situations, same emotional blackmail.

Women aren't insane. God is a woman, and she has a cruel sense of humor. She tortures men with the creatures created in her image.

Captain Capitalism said...

Nick, good to see a younger guy get this information. If I got this when I was 17 I would be immeasurably richer and better off than I am today.

Forward to your friends (both male and female) so the men know what to expect and the women know what to do.

Kirt33 said...

Cap'n, I don't come to your blog to preach, but I can't help but want to comment on this:

Religious girls. If you're religious. Good for you. If you're not, stay away from them... God comes first, dad comes second, and somewhere around 573rd place next to "clean toe fungus" is "find and date cool guy.(Whether they would date you is another matter.)

I disagree very much with this. For example, Focus on the Family, the evangelical 'family values' mega-organization, has an entire youth ministry and webzine dedicated to getting young people married. The bible commands wives to meet their husbands' needs (as well as husbands to meet their wives' needs, FWIW). In my experience, the type of game-playing that you describe happens much, much less among religious girls.

phatman said...

This post is one of your best. Speaks to my heart, especially the taiwanese chick, makes me think we dated the same girl.
Hey cap, ever think of writing a self help book? I bet you could rake in quite an audience. Not that I think it is better than your current book (which was fantastic) I think it may be a new avenue for you. It is rare to see any self help author use any statistics whatsoever. You could take them by storm! Think about it, dorks like me buying self help books! ha ha

Anonymous said...

Regarding point 10, I would only accept that in the context of the present prevailing education system.

That system is, largely, utter rubbish.

A correctly managed educational program should have no problem providing 18 year-old high school graduates with the knowledge and skills necessary to support themselves whether or not they go on to college. We consider people to be adults at 18, high school is the last level of education at that age, therefore it is ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE to adopt a K-12 system that takes these facts into account and is willing to advertise as an end product, a fully independent adult. If that could be done, I believe it would be fully possible for more people to start stable families in their early 20s.

As for me, I still need to find a way to support myself; I have no standing to even think about trying to go after anyone at the moment.

Chris said...

Cap'n, as always you manage to write the perfect post at the perfect time. Just tonight some recent developments made me look back on the past few months with my girlfriend and made me realize she's sorely lacking in the credibility department. Sitting at my computer, feeling dejected and betrayed, I thought to myself, "I need something to read. Let's see what the Captain has to say.."
Impeccable. Keep up the great work.

Anonymous said...

I've followed most of this advice, including learning to dance, and have only one question of note:

Where the hell are the women?

Seriously never meet any who aren't married, way too old, or far too young.

MTGirl said...


I think you may be right about the cats. It would explain a lot. And then dogs were put here to make up for persians. (the cats, not the people).

Also, to everyone out there, I must say that point # 14 is worth it. I am about halfway through his book, and it is really really interesting, as well as funny. You know the girlfriend stories in this post? He's got a lot of those, only they are about co-workers, brokers, and loan-seekers. After reading the first chapter I was terribly tempted to draw a picture (in crayon) of a house with the caption "I nede muney for house to live. Thnx, XOXOX" and see if I could get loan approval.

Besides the stories, there is excellent information on everything from required loan paperwork to property valuation techniques to career possibilites in banking (which I really wish I had known when I was younger and thought if you were good at math, then engineering was pretty much the only major out there. Economists? Isn't that like Philosophy, but with numbers? Do they sit around discussing the correlation between loan rate and penis size? Who would hire one of those? ... Damn worthless guidance counselors!) As it is, I'm probably going to turn into that annoying friend who keeps trying to give their other friends summer reading projects when I'm done with it.

Ryan Fuller said...

"I also fully intend to put a stop to clueless mothers telling their younger sons, "Well YOU must be looking in the wrong places. There must be something wrong with YOU that you are attracting these types of girls." And replace it with the concept that maybe all there is to select in the population is Britney Spears and a limitless sea of sociology majors."

There are mothers out there who blame their sons for finding crazy girls? Wow. It makes me more grateful for my own mother, who had the decency to warn me when my then-girlfriend was slightly crazy.

T ™ said...

[FYI-I wrote so much i had to post it in 2 comments. lol sorry!!]

Freakin' Hilarious! The advice you give here was first meant for guys/men but i truly believe that a lot of what you have put here should be on a freakin' dating manual! lol I personally don't do a lot of 'dating'. To me going out with a person is just "going out to get to know them" Dating to me comes AFTER a few 'meetings' and getting the feel of who they really are. Actions speak louder then words. Words are Nice, but the action of what they say and what they actually do is more important. You called that "hypocritical' behavior.. harsh but true.

I could write a book about why I don't like dating! lol
I married young, and divorced shortly after.. add the fact that i'm a single mom to the 'dating' equation and the odds of me finding a decent guy my age that is mature enough to see me for me and take the time to get to know me and stick around is... low. lol

I've had a guy tell me 20 minutes after being introduced to him by a friend of ours [at a bar & i wasn't there to his friend] that I was very pretty but because i had a kid.. he wouldn't date me. He went on to say that he was young and wanted to have fun and 'settling down' wasn't for him at this time!

I smiled and said "thanks" the thought of him even thinking that I was there to MEET HIM or even wanting to Date him let alone "settle down" with him JUST because I was a single mom was shocking! But unlike other girls, i didn't go off on him and i couldn't get mad about it.

First off, I'm single, Yes i'm a mom, but by no means does that mean that I'm out looking to settle down with the next idiot that comes along.

I've had other guys say that they don't date women with kids because of the 'baby-daddy' drama. which in a way i can understand because there are a lot of people out there that have that... I'm not one of them.

T ™ said...

[second comment]

I don't consider myself to be like 'most girls'. In a lot of ways i tend to be more like the guys... lol.

Everything you've said on here I do. I don't date anyone unless i see potential. If red-flags pop up i'm out! Being "nice" is not a guarantee that I will "like" the guy or want to keep dating them. some guys hate that and like to say that 'nice guys finish last' in all honesty.. it's Not that the girl likes bad guys even though nice guys see them fall for them... The main reason a girl will pass on a nice guy is for 2 reasons:

1. She Has Feelings for someone else and there really isn't much a New prince charming can do about it until she has moved on.
2. She's Not Ready for what you have to offer. While it might be Great the timing can be off.

the point is..

In Life.. you get treated the way you allow others to treat you.

My motto is "Give me exactly what I give you... Nothing more, Nothing Less!"

personally, i don't have time to waste pretending to be who i am not. Most people are always on their best behavior for the first few months then they show who they really are and that's when people go their separate ways.

Truth is... Even when you think you have it all figured out, when you know what red-flags to look for, when to leave, there will still be times when you think you have it right... and reality might smack you and teach you something else.

Trial & Error! lol

Relationships for me are few and far between.. the last one ended 6 months ago.

i broke my #1 rule. Never date a guy who just got out of a serious relationship.

He was a sweetheart the entire time but as it usually turns out.. He didn't learn from his previous relationship. He saw everything his ex did wrong but he wouldn't admit to what he contributed to it. & since he didn't see his side he didn't give our relationship the opportunity to get past our 'first' real issue. I ended up having to deal with the crap his ex did to him.

Normally, i would have cut ties sooner then i did.. but by then i had already let him get too close.

I ended up letting him hurt me more then I should have allowed not because he was a bad guy.. but because by then my emotions were too wrapped up in what i 'thought' we had or 'could' have.

lesson learned! lol.

[now i'm ganna go add myself to your follow list! :) lol]

thanks for the good read!