Friday, May 15, 2009

Cigarettes, Lottery Ticket, Pay by Check

I am often asked, "Captain, what would you do if you were president to get us out of this mess?"

And of the many things I'd recommend including eliminating corporate taxes, phasing out medicare and social security and welfare, as well as banning government finances of 2-year degrees and all liberal arts degrees, there is one that would come first and foremost;

Assassinating all people who insist on getting ahead of me in line at the gas station who then;

Ask for a pack of cigarettes
Who then debate what kind of cigarettes they want and talk through their thought process
Oh, guess what. They don't have menthols. Do you want another?
Hmmm...let me see. How about filtered?
The process restarts then, and inevitably a cancer stick of choice is chosen.
And upon finally getting those cigarettes, without fail, they buy at least one lottery ticket.
But not without first going through the same tortuously slow process of picking a type of cigarette.
Sure enough a stick that will kill them and a piece of paper that will impoverish them further is chosen. And how do these people pay for it?

With a check.

Of course by this time a line of 40 people has formed behind these people and we've all missed whatever previous engagement we had. And the economy has tanked an additional 6.2% GDP because these people are the plaque that clogs the arteries of America's economy. But that's alright, society accommodates for these people because it's more important to inconvenience the masses and tank the economy and grind all progress to a halt than to let the rest of us get on with our lives.

In any case, just sharing that with you guys that this would be my first act as president.

8 comments:

Wowplayer said...

Thank god for pay at the pump.

CBMTTek said...

Not sure which is worse, the cigarette/lottery/check bunch, or the exact change person.

How many times have you been in the grocery store, on the express line no less, when granny waits until the total is rung up, and then gets out the change purse.

"Now, let's see. It's $19.97 is it? OK..." Then the finger goes into the change purse.
Swirl, clink, swirl"Here's a penny."
Swirl, clink, swirl"That's two."
Swirl, clink, swirl"What is it again? Oh, $19.97"
Swirl, clink, swirl"Here's a nickel. That's 7, right?"
Swirl, clink, swirl"A dime makes it 17."
Swirl, clink, swirlSwirl, clink, swirlSwirl, clink, swirl"Oh, that looks foreign, doesn't it?"
Swirl, clink, swirl"Here's another penny, and a dime."
Swirl, clink, swirl"What am I up to?"
Swirl, clink, swirlSwirl, clink, swirl"OK, here's five pennies, that brings me up to, what?"
...
...
...
...
Meanwhile, Al Gore has started using my ice cream as another example of the damage done by global warming.

Fifteen minutes later, she finally finishes paying the exact change amount. Like there was going to be some kind of exact change award for her when she left the shop or something. And, what I really want to know is where the F did she get all that change if she insists on paying exact change wherever she goes? Is she knocking over poor boxes in church?

Anonymous said...

After you eliminate welfare, what will you do with that bottom-quintile-IQ segment of the population in our high-tech economy? Soylent green? A new WPA program? Forced deportation? Ovens?
Forcing them to stand in line in convenience stores until they die of old age?

Remember, you're the President now: no voting "Present."

Anonymous said...

The only reason some people are alive is because it's illegal to kill them.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Geez, paying by check.

Anyone who pays by check in a retail environment for something less than a couple of hundred bucks is just asking to be taken out back and beat up.

Cash, Debit, credit cards people, Geez.

Fudgepie said...

Boy, those kind of people really steam my britches! How dare they inconvenience The Captain like that?! Don't they realize he has to get home in time to watch Hogan's Heroes?!

Anonymous said...

Please add to your list of assassinations all the people who go to the sub shop during lunch with a list for all the others to lazy to go themselves. There was a time when people would use this device called the telephone to place an order ahead when ordering for multiple people, but why do that when you can inconvenience everyone else on their lunch hour?

And the drive through. Don't get me started on how people abuse the drive through.