Saturday, July 27, 2019

Scoundrels Last Refuge is Religion

I love it when people who fuck up their lives so badly RUN to Christianity because it forgives them and gives them a get out of jail free card.

Though, this one more invoked the word of god than actually joined a church.


Post Alley Crackpot said...

Because Upper Management occasionally has to call upon Lower Management for unusual acts of mutual aid, we keep our communications channels open, and so it was no surprise when this arrived ...

A message from the Chief Prosecutor of the Law Courts of the City of Dis (Hell)

Please, for the love of everything unholy, if you're bearing false witness, STOP!

We are far too over-booked to hear your case upon arrival to the afterlife, and since our legal code still consists of an even more unholy matrimony of Sumerian law by decree, Jewish religious law, Roman procedural law, the Napoleonic code, English common law, and all four legal codes of Texas underneath which we operate, our eternally and presently preferred form of recourse is to imprison you in a deeper level of Hell than you may deserve because you truly deserve it.

There's a region adjacent to the Ninth Circle of Hell we like to call The Ice Cube Farm.

Oh, laugh it up, but Hell does in fact freeze over in Hell.

Usually very few are despicable enough to deserve to go to The Ice Cube Farm, but it's the only part of Hell in which we have any reserve capacity for bearers of false witness, so into the freezer with all of you lot!

Do you wish to complain about your treatment?

Your original hearing for bearing false witness will probably come first.

After all, we are over-booked and over-worked, and we need more thermal mass chilling down to be able to power the giant Peltier junctions that make the rest of Hell so wonderful pool-side.

But just as there's too much of a good thing, we've recently noticed that there's also such a thing as too much of a Bad Thing, and so we'd not so kindly like to insist that you cease and desist with this bearing of false witness.

Because if you don't, when The Ice Cube Farm fills up, there's a nice long gorge full of perverts we can send you to, and compared to how utterly geriatric they are, you'll be just a wee little thing lost at sea.

Oh, yes, it's full of Catholics, but not nearly as full of Catholics as it is of Southern Baptists.

They're also near the Chief Prosecutor's office, by the way -- not the Chief Prosecutor's idea at all.

It was Lucifer's idea to put the Stink of False Holy Righteousness next to the Chief Prosecutor's office, and every day these Southern Baptists defile the unholiness of Hell by making a stink that they're Good Christians suffering for their faith.

They figure they have nothing to lose because they're already being punished for bearing false witness, but Lucifer's still upset that the Chief Prosecutor successfully punished Geryon for one of his speeding tickets by making him stand in queues for fifty years just so he could get his flying licences reinstated in the Sixth Circle of Hell.

Hell is eternal and infernal, and there will be no dodging this by exceeding relativistic speed limits just because you can!

A prayer for injunctive relief from the Chief Prosecutor

Oh unheavenly father
Who thou art not in Heaven
Cast out into the depths of Hell
Forgive them not their deadly trespasses
Deliver them into their eternal judgements
Speed upon them their just deliverance
From upon this day and forever more


And I thought my job of educating some of you
utterly clueless plebs here was horrid! :-)

Anonymous said...

"You shall not take on God's name for yourself fraudulently"

kurt9 said...

There are a few people who genuinely turn their lives around with religion. However, for the vast majority, the leopard never changes its spots.

Un Americano said...

Either religion or Patriotism.

David Wholly said...

There's the old saying that "there are no atheists in foxholes". The same thing goes for prisons. They either turn to Christianity because they think they'll be "forgiven" for their actions, or they turn to Islam because they think it justifies them.

Robert What? said...

That is just a sad story. Hardly suitable for mockery.