Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Valentine's Day Advice from the Captain

Economists of the male persuasion, lend me your ears.

Valentine's Day as we know is merely a wealth transfer created by corporate America. But sadly one cannot even consider it a genuine "wealth" transfer in that technically no wealth is being transfered. For the most common items purchased for our beloveds do not maintain their value.

Roses, for example. Dead in three days. Sure some crafty florists will give you the packet of chemicals you're supposed to put in the water that might make them last four days, but in the end they're dead.

Chocolates. Need I say more? They don't last one day.

Romantic dinner? Last's one hour.

Alas, what is the good economist to do on Valentine's Day? Never fear, the Captain is here and has all the answers to make your Valentine's Day not only romantic, but economic too!

First off, jewelry is a GREAT Valentine's Day gift that is both economic AND romantic.

Now you might say, "But Captain, jewelry has no functional value whatsoever. It has no utility. It is a lousy gift and it's way too expensive."

Ahhh, but that is where you're wrong young Padawan. For jewelry is primarily consisted of gold and gold is a commodity that you can invest in in case the economy melts down. So not only do you have a hedge against a collapsing dollar, but in case of economic Armageddon you have an emergency currency to buy your way out of the country.

So certainly feel free to buy your loved one jewelry and lots of it. Just make sure she understands that if the economy collapses or gold breaks $2,000 an ounce she'll have to hock it and melt it down. (Don't worry, she'll find the fact you're hedging against potential calamity in the economic future sexy!)

Secondly, booze. Specifically cognac or other high end liquor. Again, you'll be showing your loved one that you care more than the average guy, because in case there is hyperinflation, bottles of liquor have the traits that make it a good substitute currency;

It's divisible.
Everybody wants it and accepts it has value.
Stores well and maintains its value.

Of course she won't be able to drink it, but she will be so enamored with the care and thought you put into it that she won't even think about that as she's ripping off your clothes.

And finally, poetry. Ah yes, poetry.

For if you were to look into the box of keepsakes women keep, they do not keep the jewelry or the car you bought them. They keep things that are made by little children. Like drawings and pictures made of crayon. Silly things that are not expensive. Thus, why not make a silly thing that is free with your own hands and will ultimately be kept longer than the flowers or the chocolates? And poetry is just the thing.

The poetry does not have to be good. Matter of fact the worse the better. You do not have to spend too much time on it, it can be as bad;

"My darling babe my heart goes oozy
Your beauty makes me all woozy."
and so forth and so on.

Of course you can make a more refined poem, but it is unlikely to be any more successful than the schmaltzy one.

Therefore fellow aspiring, junior, deputy, official or otherwise economists of the male persuasion, make your Valentine's Day not just a romantic one, but an economic one!


Ed Kohler said...

An investment in dinner, flowers, or chocolates could lead to marriage, which can be a good investment. It worked for me!

Anonymous said...

Guns maintain value. So do bullets.

But, I guess you better make sure your girlfriend's gonna' view that as an acceptable token of your affection, lest she get pissed while you're handing her a loaded weapon.

Anonymous said...

Guns maintain value. So do bullets.

But, I guess you better make sure your girlfriend's gonna' view that as an acceptable token of your affection, lest she get pissed while you're handing her a loaded weapon.

HeatherRadish said...

Yeah, here's a tip I picked up from some guys at work: Dinner lasts an hour, flowers last four days, but the hystrionics, nagging, bitching, crying, slander, lack of nookie, etc, that results when you don't do dinner or flowers lasts much, much longer.

Sounds stupid to me, but I'm not typical.

Anonymous said...

Glad to report that I was a good capitalist this year! Actually, still working on the final touches to the poem, but was happy to see me and the Captain on the same page.

Kasia said...

Actually, I just read an extensive account of why jewelry is a terrible investment: essentially its value is artificially inflated. I'd like to hear the Capn's evaluation of the article I read...I'll try to dig it back up.

Kasia said...

Captain, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this article: