Thursday, January 24, 2008

Cats are Not a Substitute for a Boyfriend

OK, look, ladies let me help you because I genuinely care to help. I do!

Cats are not cool.

No, I know you think they are. But in fact, they are not.

No, actually quite the contrary. Yale physicists and paleontologists trace the cats' evolutionary origins from Hell.

It's true, saw it on the Discovery Channel. Not making this up. Scouts honor.

Anyway, yes, cats are from Hell apparently and in reality they do not, repeat do NOT help you get a boyfriend. They actually plot AGAINST your getting a boyfriend, that's if they're not planning your death whilst you sleep. Worse still they actually deter you from getting a boyfriend ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE BECOME SO ACCUSTOMED TO THEM THAT YOU LET THEIR STENCH AND ODOR FERMENT IN YOUR APARTMENT, INFUSING ITSELF INTO THE WALLS SO WHEN PEOPLE FROM THE OUTSIDE COME IN AND TAKE ONE WHIFF THEY DIE!!!

And it's not a stark, chemically, skunk smell. No, it's a biological, cat urine, 6 month old kitty liter smell. That the biological remnants of whatever cause cat stench is taking on a new, merged, mutated life form with improved odor.

Also, most people have an allergy to cats. So, you know, maybe vacuum the 3 inches of cat hair that has accumulated on your couch? And it would help that instead of 7 cats, you know you just get one? The American Dental Association says 4 out of 5 dentists prefer less cats. So, you know, there you go.

Anyway, only reason I bring this up is because a good friend of mine has decided to let me crash at her joint whilst I vacation here in Arizona (for I am an economist and it is cheaper to house sit than to pay for a hotel). And the truth is her cats are not that bad nor is her hygiene habits in cleaning up after them. However, as I house sit for three cats the smell has triggered memories I tried to forget long ago.

Just doing a public service announcement.


Anonymous said...

I have a dog.

Ranty said...

"Cats are not a substitute for a boyfriend."

...and neither are cheapskate bloggers who crash at your house and ungratefully malign your kitties to the internet while at it.

May the eat your eyeballs while you sleep. :-)

Anonymous said...

I dunno about this one, Captain. My personal observations (and a little reasonable speculation) leads me to believe that there is a fairly strong negative correlation between multiple cat ownership and having a boyfriend, which would imply that they are substitute goods on some level. Imperfect substitutes certainly, but substitutes nevertheless.

Captain Capitalism said...

See, I knew I would get guff for this one.

Ranty, you guys practically poured the vodka down my throat. I do actually owe you a new bottle of vodka.

Anon, Correct.

Ryan, again, you always have to get technical (albeit right) don't you. Yes, it would seem the correlation between the number of cats a woman owns and "boyfriendhood" is inversely related. That would make a GREAT chart. I should make shirts that say "imperfect substitutes" and sell them to all the male economists out there.

Anonymous said...

"Ryan, again, you always have to get technical (albeit right) don't you."

Hey, I'll go to any means necessary to be snarky. :)

CapitalBabs said...

I couldn't stop giggling for at least 5 minutes!! It's funny because it's true!

but actually.. I have a theory. Kitties are not a substitute for a boyfriend! They are a substitute for the children you can't have because you don't have the man. Just contributing that for food for thought.

**disclaimer** this from a girl with 3 cats and no boyfriend.

Ranty said...

Cap, I was talking about your Arizona friend and HER kitties!

Captain Capitalism said...

Hey hey hey. They're not my cats and therefore I respect them. Matter of fact I gave all three of them the washer...matter of fact I think they're still in wonder my allergies have decreased ;P

noodleman said...

Maybe no substitute for a boyfriend but, as a recently divorced gentleman (her mid-life crisis; not mine), a kitty cat offers some kind of substitute for a girlfriend. At least I know where Pussy is at no matter what time of day, or night, it is. LOL

(Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

Anonymous said...

I rather loved my cat. especially when he took baths in the toilet and tracked his feces covered paws(someone has a flushing problem in my house :D) across my hardwood floor..... which i promptly slipped in. yup, love him to DEATH.

Anonymous said...

It was surprising to me to discover how many women post pictures of their cats (dogs, too) on dating sites. I'm talking about pictures of the cats only. I think that it's a great idea. It keeps me from wasting time contacting any of them. Bruce Feierstein was right when he said that no man in his right mind will compete with an animal for affection.

Anonymous said...

Which is cause, and which is effect?

Do boyfriendless women get cats, or
do be-catted women not get boyfriends?

sean foley said...

I suspect cats help a girl get a boyfriend if they are solving a rat problem.

Anonymous said...

Too appreciate cats you need to be a bear hunter.

Bears like the stench and smell of crapulence and therefore make excellent bait...

They are hours of entertainment at home too. Put a smelly sock on their heads and they turn into a laff riot as they thrash about. Or put a piece of tape on their back foot and watch them flip out.

Anonymous said...

What's the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have owners and cats have staff. Potential boyfriends are put off because they want to be waited on and are jealous of the cat getting attention, right guys?

Anonymous said...

As long as you get in her cat once in a while, it's worth putting up with, no?

Anonymous said...

Heh, dogs rule cats drool!

Maybe cats are a test of the mans (read potential mate) cause if you think a litter box smells bad, wait until the diapers and vomit odors start filling up home. Not to mention how many young couples I've met where the 'pet' cat or dog have been their 'child' UNTIL the first baby arrives with full blown allergies to both.

Now for the 'past diapers stage' single gals, it's nuts to have cats! They are tempermental, stand offish or too clingy and they NEVER clean up after themselves, full of hair that comes out nonstop and sticks like Velcro to everything; at least a dog will lick up crumbs and spills of all kinds from the floor and be happy to do so for it's entire life! AND you can clip your dog's hair, many breeds can be done. Try clipping your kitty or even brushing a cat that doesn't want to be brushed for that matter. Warning!: wear protective gloves and eye ware, maybe even a full face mask would be needed.

Will a cat lick up spilled beer or other various food items such as veggies?
NO! IT HAS to be raw meat for the feline to move it's flabby butt off the couch.
Cat won't ever listen to commands of their supposed masters or mistresses. They will come in from the outdoors to use their litter box inside, like wtf is up with that?

Therefore dogs, by default, rule!
Our dog eats all that lands on the floor, even salad trimmings ('cept dog!)
Brussels sprouts ends, cucumbers, romaine lettuce, sweet bell peppers, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, avocado, broccoli stems, cabbage... Our dog can obtain up to 50 kph on a full out run (he's only 11 lbs), how many house cats can do that on their own four paws to please you, hmmm?

And just try taking a cat for a walk on a leash for exercise. You'll soon wish you'd just stuck it in the wash cycle for exercise!
Hehe :)
...just me!

JSpacePirate said...

This was a funny article, but, I have to disagree. Dogs are stupid and pee and poop on the carpet, where as cats pee and poop in a box. Dogs always smell way worse. When you walk into a dog owners house, you can always tell.

Now, if you know how to handle a cat, they can be the best pets. My cat Buster for instance. He is the most loyal pet I have ever had (and I also have a dog)...(that I hate), he even comes when you call his name.

And if a girl's apartment smells like cat piss, thats her own damn fault for being a shitty caretaker, not the cats fault at all. The place would smell just as bad, if not worse if she owns a dog. So the real question you need to be asking is, what type of girl is this who lets her apartment smell like 6 month old kitty litter.