My friend called me and said, "Hey, we're going to be near your neck of the woods and a band is playing at one of the local bars. Do you want to join us and attend?"
Naturally, because of the convenience I agreed and was looking forward to my friend and her friends visit.
However, upon walking into the bar I realized they decided to bivouac right in front of the monstrously loud band, in part because the birthday girl of the party rarely got out, and also in part because of this group's naivety about bars. They were of the married-with-children variety and so, of course, ANY bar with ANY music must be a better bar than one without. Still, this did not forgive the fact that the band was so loud and their proximity to it so close that it was literally impossible to have a conversation. It was so bad that for the first time in my life my friend and I were having a text conversation when we were no more than 1 foot away from each other. It LITERALLY was the best way to communicate.
Time warp back a mere two weeks ago and a similar such situation also occurred. I was at La Casa, one of my favorite cigar lounges in Las Vegas. It was Friday night so naturally it was mandatory the lounge hire a loud and amplified band to blare music into what was normally a quiet and serene cigar lounge during the day. The music was so loud that when I was trying to buy my cigar the connoisseur could not hear me and said, "what?" which prompted me to yell (with full intent to imply he fucktardedly hired a band that was too loud)
I WANT A V CUT AND A DIET COKE!!!!
He jumped back because I yelled so loud, but you could see in his eyes that maybe...
he got the fact that the band he hired was maybe...
a weeeeeee bit too loud since people one foot away from him had to blare out his ear drum so he could understand which type of cut his customers wanted on their freaking cigars.
Alas, it is time for a plea to all the bars, cigar lounges, night clubs, and venues in America for one simple thing.
Turn down the fucking music.
I know that as the 50's have faded so too has the quality, caliber, intelligence and wit of your average American. I know the baby boomers lacked the Cary Grant and Walter Matthau charm that was an acquired skill needed to woo and whittle people's fancies, so they introduced Woodstock, concerts, and bars as the usurper to ballroom dancing to meet one's mate. And I know that today your modern day Gen X'ers and Millennials lack any conversational skills whatsoever and are in desperate need of "noise" to cover this gaping inadequacy so they might futilely "grind" or stumble their way to a stable, divorce-proof nuclear family.
But in constantly making venues so loud, so cacophonous, you are denying Americans (and westerners) the much-needed training they need to hone, practice, and develop their charismatic and conversational skills. And by association, their ability to become charming, intellectual, wooing, engaging, interesting, and devastating adults. And that is a price society pays in spades.
I know, I know, it's easier for the mop-headed sheeple inferiors of society to just walk into a sports bar with blaring music to yell at a girl
"I THINK YOU'RE HAWT!!!!!"
"CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK!!???"
as they slightly tilt their flat-brimmed cap 3 degrees to the left.
And I know, I know the entire night club industry heavily relies on loud blaring music to make it impossible for a man to get to know a girl, but still enable him to buy her drinks.
But in the end, this bullshit will end. And here's the reason why.
In addition to buttfucking the snooty east coast New York publishing houses with self publishing
In addition to ass-raping the arrogant west cost recording labels with iTunes and MP3's
the internet has now usurped the dating/meat market from night clubs and bars to that of online dating, social media, and just general digital flirtation.
I've been out of the dating market for about 7 years, but if I ever had to go back I would NEVER set foot into
a night club
I'd be on the internet the entire time because....
And I can listen to jazz or the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack
all while trying to land me some play.
That is the impossible competition you idiot "noise pimps" are competing against today.
But at least in the 90's there was a low enough volume level that you could theoretically and practically speak to girls. I know many times at First Avenue (Prince's former club) it was not IMPOSSIBLE to speak with a woman using the English language. But at this latest bar and this latest cigar lounge, forget it. You noise whores have jacked up the volume SO MUCH there was ABSOLUTELY no way to not only woo a woman with charm, wit, and charisma, but I couldn't plain have a fucking conversation with my friends. And while you bar/cigar lounge/night club owners may be 100% right that today's single, inept, intellectually-retarded rejects lack the intellectual capacity for ANY intelligent conversation, blaring music so loud to assist them as a handicap merely drives every one of genuine value and worth away.
We'd simply like to hear what the person 12 FUCKING INCHES AWAY FROM US ARE SAYING, even though you think we're so lacking in intelligence we need your loud blaring noise to absolve us of the "chore" of conversation.
Regardless, it doesn't matter.
The generational migration is moving from the night club to online. This is where the VAST majority of millennials and Gen "Z-er's" interact socially (and romantically) and (since these are the younger, and thus hotter people) soon the stereotypical loud bar will be obsolete, and thus a thing of the past. It will be a museum memorial to the Gen X and Baby Boomer generations. It will be as pathetic as the "our time" baby boomer dating site or Oprah's and the women's magazine industry's attempt to convince 60 year old women they're still hot and "cougars." And the more and more you attempt to compensate for the fact people have no social skills, making the music so loud conversation is impossible, the more and more intelligent and competent people you will drive away.
Soon, just like Florida or Sturgis, you'll have nothing but wrinkly, pruny-boobed Gen X, intellectually-inferior gray hairs coming into your club hoping to get a taste of geriatric Z-Cavaricci ass as they reminisce about the 80's and get nostalgic about "Iron Maiden" and "The Scorpions." Which will be fine.
Because most will be deaf by that age anyway.
So please, turn up the music just a little bit more. I think I could actually hear that fount of intelligence my buddy 10 inches away from me said. And I wouldn't want to hear anything intelligent in a public social setting because that shitty ass band you hired is doing a shitty ass rendition of Kurt Cocaine's crappy ass 90's song so loud it's more important I waste some brain cells listening to that shit than merely hearing music in the background while at the same time....
BEING ABLE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION!!!!
Oh, I'm sorry...
BEING ABLE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION!!!