Thursday, March 26, 2020

How You Can Profit During the Quarantine

With a captive audience, you can expect journalists to force some of their worst ideas and worst writing on you in the next coming days.  A lot of it is going to come in the form of advice columns...advice being peddled by know-nothing, inexperienced 25 year old liberal arts majors who think they know everything.  This schlock is not only going to be painful, but common sense, as anybody with any experience or logic will deduce these things for themselves (did you know to wash your hands, btw?).  And so taking up the leisure of reading during the quarantine will prove more like navigating a mine field instead of anything practical, instructional, or stimulating.

But never fear, Cappy is hear, and with some non-schlocky advice that will make your days under quarantine very productive.  And not only productive, but likely set your trajectory in life higher than what you were operating at before.  Because while America's finest journalism majors will be telling you to "start a puzzle," "have game night," and "wash your hands," Cappy has some ideas that will drastically improve your finances, legal security, and overall life that when this idiocy ends, you'll re-enter life much better equipped than when it started.

The general overall principle is one based on the fact that there are infrastructural things in one's life that are always in need of retooling, repair, or upgrading.  No different than a company whose assembly line could be upgraded, trucks repaired, or employees trained in a new program, the same goes for individuals as there is always this back office or overhead work that can and should be done.  But like businesses, there just isn't the time.  The day to day operations of the firm keep the assets and employees completely employed, with rarely the time to stop, take a breath, and rethink/retool how things are done to make the entity much more efficient overall.  But with the Great and Merciful Coronachan forcing this down time on us, we as individuals (and businesses) have an amazing opportunity that should not be squandered on "puzzles" or "having game night," but instead should be invested in popping the hood, getting underneath the engine, and improving our engine of life so that when it's time to go back out on the line, we are much better prepared, much more efficient, and much more profitable.


Perhaps the most neglected aspect of people's lives is their legal life.  This makes sense because you're not likely to die when you're young, so like investing, you postpone it until death is on your door.  But with nothing better to do now, you might as well tackle this beast and get it done and over with.

Living wills and regular wills are the obvious items on your legal to do list.  But what about prenuptial agreements?  Trusts?  LLC's? And other forms of asset protection?  You spend a lot of time making money, but how much time have you spent protecting the money from ex's, spouses, law suits, even the government?  It's worth the time to talk to your CPA and a lawyer about setting up these asset protecting entities so an jealous ex or Ocasio Cortez can't steal your life's work.


Closely related to legal issues, are financial issues.  In short, do you have your financial house in order?  And of course the answer is you do not.  I know that the majority of Americans are idiots and live paycheck to pay check.  We're not even in this quarantine 2 weeks and half the population is applying for unemployment as they have no emergency savings.  But my readers are - to be perfectly honest - superior than the normie, conformie, inferior slop that majors in dumb shit, goes $150,000 into debt for it, and then works retail demanding a student loan bail out.  So for my readers, you're better than this, start getting your financial house in order.

This primarily entails setting up AND CONTRIBUTING TO a retirement plan.  If you don't have a 401k/403b/457 plan at work, you'll need to set up an IRA account on your own (I recommend  This also means getting your personal budget in order so that there's enough money each month left over to fund a monthly contribution to this account.  And furthermore, the Great and Merciful Coronachan has cut stock prices by 1/3rd, and arguably into the foreseeable future, which is one of the brighter silver linings to this idiot-panic.

But there are other aspects of one's personal finances that should also be tended to while we have this downtime.  Specifically crypto-currency and precious metals.

Tedious and boring as these things may be, everybody should have some precious metals and a token amount of cryptocurrency as part of their overall financial portfolio.  I've always recommended 200 ounces of silver per person, but cyrptocurrency is so volatile I haven't been able to estimate an amount yet that I'd recommend for a portfolio (though, a couple thousand dollars is kind of the ball park I'm estimating at).  Regardless, buying silver is a chore (you can do so here), but buying cryptocurrency is a royal pain in the ass.  It not only takes an inordinate amount of time to buy it, but to study it and learn how to invest in it, takes time as well.  That is going to be at least a day's long chore, and one you should probably get to doing to shore up and insure your personal finances.

Capital Assets

While you're socking money away for retirement, there is another financial move that can prove to be just as helpful and financially profitable as investing for retirement - purchasing "capital assets" - aka - "big ticket items."

Re-doing the kitchen

Any large ticket item that usually accounts for the lion's share of your personal budget.

Though not as "sexy" as investing in a 401k (which isn't all that sexy to begin with), it can have just as much of a financial effect as prudent investing in that buying your most expensive items in life when they're on fire-sale because of a recession can save you hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Right now there are MILLIONS of posers, frauds, and fakes living paycheck to paycheck who can only afford their McMansions, SUV's, and luxury kitchens because they lease and rent these luxury items.  ALL of their paycheck goes to making wifey poo look (not be) LOOK rich, while Chuck-The Cuck-Hubster drives his $60,000 brand new truck to the office...well, that was until he was laid off.  These big ticket items have not hit the market yet, but they soon will once the bank repossesses them.  And when they do, they will be marked 40%, 50%, maybe even 70% off as either they or the banks who repossessed those assets are desperate to raise cash to make ends meet.

This means you can pick up a very nice McMansion house for potentially under $300,000.
A nice, practically new car, for under $10,000 (or reasonable lease rates).
Daddy's little princess might have to hock her iPhone 975 to pay for tuition (because Daddy got laid off)
And construction workers/home builders/contractors will be so desperate they not only will lower their price, but show up on time AND SOBER!

Even the ole Captain is keeping his eye out for collectibles that he otherwise would never afford himself (an old classic Mustang and a 1909 S VDB wheat penny is in his sites) as Boomer collectors have very nice cars, but not enough money in their retirement accounts to afford rent.  But all of this assumes you are part of the superior race of humans who spent less than they made, saved up some money, and didn't live pay check to pay check.

Repair and Upgrade Your Physical Assets

With this downtime it's about time to maintain, repair, and upgrade whatever capital assets you have.  Every home owner knows there's at least a handful of repairs and upgrades that can be done to their house.  And with the economy in recession, the materials of which to do their home projects are cheaper than they would be before.  Therefore you have no excuse to not run down to Home Depot and get to work on these projects as it maintains and enhances the value of your largest asset.

Cars are the same where with a little bit of fatherly instruction YouTube videos and a set of tools you can spend an afternoon making your car last several more years, saving thousands in the process.

Even upgrading or doing the basic maintenance on a computer can save you money, but also teach you a new skill.  Either saving you money in the future from having to take the computer to "Geek Squad," or perhaps putting you onto a new career in life that could prove more profitable than the one you have.

Overseas Reconnaissance

Though travel is more or less banned, when the quarantine is lifted, that doesn't mean the economy is going to come roaring back immediately and you'll be hired back at the office.  There will likely be a recovery period where employers slowly fire back up the engines and travel is allowed once again.  But that is the perfect time to start traveling and reconnoiter this world to at minimum visit foreign places, but also determine if there might be a place you'd like to move to.

Without going into a long and boring econo-poli argument, there might be some reasons you don't trust your government or it's socialist finances (or, say, they completely overreacted to a virus that turned out to be no worse than the flu - you never know!).  You may not think your assets are protected here and with increasing percentages of countries' populations turning more socialist/parasitic, you might want to find a country that doesn't hate you, doesn't steal your money, and is OK just leaving you be on a beach. 

But that takes time, effort, reconnaissance, and money.  Good thing tickets, hotels, and car rentals are dirt cheap.

But while you're out gallivanting about, also spend the time getting another passport from another country (a long and arduous process), finding a place to have an overseas bank account (the same), and familiarize yourself more with the customs and legalities of living in different countries than you do their beaches and bars.  Like silver or cryptocurrency, having an insurance policy against communism and parasitism is a good idea.  Have a life raft at the ready for your residency just the same.

Skill Up

Cooking is being forced upon everybody as we are no longer allowed to outsource that vital task to our much-missed chefs and cooks in America.  But there's nothing wrong with learning to cook, as there is nothing wrong with learning any other skills you might have had an interest in.

Here the world is your oyster as any skill can be self-taught using the internet.  Be it ballroom dancing, karate, cooking, sewing, even more practical skills such as programming or auto-repair, you can not only learn these skills, but you have the ability to master them quickly, where dividends would be paid out immediately, perhaps even you landing a job once this idiot-panic ends.

This is perhaps one of the best uses of this downtime because if you can teach yourself a new skill, get certified online with whatever certifications help in your profession, even attending accredited colleges online to earn a degree, you are investing in a life-long skill that will increase your life-time earning potential making the decades to come much, much easier.  So though you may *want* to learn to crochet, perhaps learning Python is a better use of your time.

Life's Works

Everybody wants to produce one great life "work" before they die.  It could be a painting, a book, a program, or an album.  But the truth is most people are lazy and at best approach their life's work like Brian in Family Guy did his book "Faster Than the Speed of Love."

Don't be like normal people.  Be superior.  You have this one time where you are FORCED to stay at home and do nothing.  If you channel all your efforts into whatever book, painting, or project you always wanted to do, it could be done in 2-3 months.  My 500 page book "Bachelor Pad Economics" was written in 3 months time as I was forced to sit 16 hours a day in a solitary room while working security.  You are metaphorically being forced to do the same.  Channel the time and boredom into an intense focus that will result in your magnum opus.


Related to life's work, if you had an idea for a business, now is the time to do it.  Not only are assets cheaper and you'll have the time, you might even be able to find funding from the government as we've decided we're going to print trillions of dollars that will *save us* from a virus.  It could be something as simple as a podcast or youtube channel you wanted to start.  Perhaps it's some software you wanted to program.  Maybe it's just setting up an accountancy online.  Whatever it is, you will NEVER have an opportunity like this ever again to pursue your entrepreneurial dreams.  Capitalize on it now, because soon you'll be back at the office, back at the factory, and back to wasting hours in a rush hour commute.


Though I don't personally understand it, there are some of you weirdos out there who like sitting in one physical spot for long periods of time doing nothing but...reading.

You not doubt have your list of books you'd like to read.  You are probably even excited to finally have the time to delve into and digest these great works of literature.  And I cannot understand for the life of me why you would read books like the Lord of the Rings or Atlas Shrugged when there are movies made of them.  But if you're going to read, can you at least read some books that are going to help your finances, investments, education, and overall life?  Specifically mine?

I know you want to read The Vagina Porn Show a la 50 Shades of Grey.  I know you want to read The Wizard Kids Who Hits Puberty a la Harry Potter.  But as the overall point of this article is to advocate you capitalize on this rare down-time opportunity and invest in your long term future, getting your financial house in order, improving your skill set, drastically increasing the wages you command, and aiming for early retirement as infinitely more valuable than reading "The Wizard Boy Hit Puberty" pentalogy.  Therefore, I strongly recommend the following books:

Poor Richard's Retirement
Bachelor Pad Economics
Reconnaissance Man

Besides, look how cool this cover is.

How CAN'T YOU BUY IT!!??  Besides, it's better than that 50-Shades-of-Chick-Porn you girls are shamelessly reading.  At least assuage some of that guilt by having an IRA account set up by the time this Corona stuff is over with.


And finally vasectomies.

You may have a brow raised, wondering why vasectomies would make the "to do list" during the quarantine, but vasectomies are incredibly important to improving one's life as it insures individual men against poverty and is the number one thing we can do to eliminate poverty society wide.

Politically impolite as it is to say this, the number one cause of poverty in the world is children people can't afford.  It immediately lowers the various "per capita" measure we use to measure wealth.  It adds an incredible liability to the parents who can't afford them. And it invariably saddles taxpayers with higher tax bills for children who made the mistake of having children.  And this says nothing about the time parents must now divert from achieving financial stability and a well-compensating career to children they can't afford, damning them all into life-long poverty.

But for the low-low price of around $2,000, a 15 minute procedure, and 3 days of minor discomfort, men can inoculate themselves, and the world, against poverty.  It's one of the simplest things men can do to drastically improve their finances, lower their risk of poverty, and improve society in general.  And (please talk to your urologist), you can still extra sperm to have children at future date, on your terms, on your time, when you're good and ready to have a kid.  Not when a condom inconveniently breaks or "oops" she forgot to take the pill. 

Setting up an IRA will certainly help.  Getting certified in Python programming will increase your lifetime earnings potential.  And reading my super-awesome amazing books will definitely improve your finances.  But there is not one single thing an individual man can do to improve his future life more than insuring he won't have any accidental children.  And the way you can tell this is true is by how much that statement offends and insults people.

Enjoy the decline.


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RJ said...

So you don't like reading. That explains a lot.

Roger Browne said...

Aaron, maybe now you'll FINALLY have time to watch "Dr Strangelove", which you've been promising to do for many years now.

John Wilder said...

Cars. Cars will be so very cheap in six months.

Josh. Landrum said...

I'm watching "offer-up" and "Facebook marketplace" and I am seeing price cuts. I am going to wait another 2-3 weeks. Hella discount 😈

Jennifer said...

It also explains why he's such a shitty writer and speaker.