Dear Baby Boomer Bosses,
This is now officially my new office.
I know you suffered the past 40 years of your career in a sunless cubicle, the destination of which you aimed for with countless hours in traffic during a stroke-inducing commute,
and then, after you were a good little boy/girl, foregoing your children, outsourcing them to daycare, so you could chase the almighty dollar, maybe, hopefully, after enough brown nosing, ass kissing and "networking" got promoted to the office WITH A DOOR (giggity!),
but technology has advanced enough that offices, cubicles, and massive office tower skyscrapers are officially obsolete.
Notice that rectangular looking thing to the right? That's what we "youngin's" call a "laptop." These "laptops" are also computers and serve the same function as those "desktop computers" you keep insisting me and my generation ball and chain ourselves to.
It has all of the functionality, but with the added benefit of PORTABILITY meaning we can work from anywhere.
Also notice it's seemingly not hooked up to anything?
Well, that's where the wonders of this thing called the "INTERNET" come in. You see, the "INTERNET" is this...well, you know what, it's too damn complicated for people who listened to too much Jim Morrison. The short version is that I can do work from anywhere. I'm able to send e-mails, make pointless MS Word and Excel documents that impress you, but do nothing to boost profitability for the firm. I can do EVERYTHING you want me to, but I don't have to be indoors AND I can e-mail those TPS reports to you just the same.
Oh, you noticed that snifter glass did you?
No, that's not water. That's Rumpleminze.
You see, I'm what's called an "adult." It's a foreign concept, so let me explain. You see, I can get my work done, I can do it in a very high quality manner, and I can do it, not only without you looking over my shoulder, but I can do it while imbibing a bit. I know, crazy, huh? You thought with your social security, medicare, multi-trillion dollar deficits, and the destruction of the world's greatest country, YOU were the only *COUGH COUGH WHEEZE WHEEZE PHLEGM PHLEGM HEAVY FREAKING QUOTES* "adults" in this country, but no, apparently not. Us youngin's can do what you did, but better, cheaper, faster, and at a fraction of the cost, while drunk, outdoors and part time.
I know, I know, you weren't able to enjoy this during your 40 years of work experience, and therefore, illogically, and quite vindictively of you, you think I and every other successive generation should suffer your same shitty fate, but, again, technology has allowed us to do our work, with quality, and if you would make the HUGE jump of faith to assume that I am an adult and can get my work done, regardless of how you THINK it should be done, then we're all going to get along much better.
But wait, now that I think about it. In order to work for you, I have to do all the same shit you did for the past 40 years. Kiss ass, brown nose, buck for promotion, "put in my dues." Hmmm....that seems to inefficient, corrupt, nepositist, cronyistic, and well...stupid.
You know what. I think instead, I'm just going to go and start my own business and market it through the internet. I don't need to go to college because your academian bretheren are charging too much, and well, they wouldn't teach me anything practical anyway. Certainly not with all those prerequisite classes and fees and bloated tuition classes all steeped in leftist indoctrination.
No, I think I have a much simpler idea and business model. I have a skill/product, I will market that skill/product over the internet, I will get paid over the internet, and my clients will pay me. And you know something, here's the real crazy bit. They won't care
how the work gets done
where the work gets done
or what I was doing when the work gets done
because (and this is the shocker)
the work got done.
I know RIGHT?
I mean, you boomers just "KNOW" unless you see people working, then they aren't working, right? I mean, you can't trust any generation other than yourselves to get shit done, right? Why take advantage of the internet to lower costs like eliminating rent and corporate office buildings and leases while people work from home because you need to have control over those good for nothing "loafers" who insist on working from home. I mean micro-managing and never delegating is the GREATEST way to ensure profitability, robust growth, higher employment, and prosperity for all, right?
You enjoy your visitless-nursing homes and the well-deserved reputation as the generation that destroyed the US.
I'm going to enjoy my new office and I'm going to enjoy the decline.