Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Parental Goals Should Target Your Child When They're 30, Not 13

This will be short.

Good parents realize that their goal, when raising children, is not to be "best friends" with them.

It is to raise them so they are independent, productive, law abiding, interesting, successful and mentally healthy adults.

Ergo, no matter how hard it may be to tell a child "no" or even have a falling out with them when they're young, that IS in the best long term interest of the child and IS truly loving your child because that IS what is going to make them successful as adults.  In other words, you don't manage the kid for "today" you manage the kid for when s/he is 30.

Of course, that is too hard for some parents, especially considering a lot of parents today have kids not because they want to bring another human being into this world, but because they view the child as a consumer item.  Like a Lexus or an IPad, "it" is an accessory.  And if "it" starts becoming difficult you placate "it" and try to calm "it" down.  You dare don't try to discipline "it" or teach it any kind of value structure.  And it's ideal if you can outsource the rearing and upbringing of the child to daycare or the public schools.  Then you don't have to really deal with "it."

But what's funny is the people I know and read about that have "its" and not "children," have "its" for very greedy reasons.  Specifically they want an "it" so they are not lonely.

You know all the flak me and the other men in The Vasectomy League caught for not wanting to have children?  What is the NUMBER ONE CRITIQUE they ALWAYS cite and threaten childless people with in vain hopes they'll scare us into joining their misery?


Oh yeah?  What do you think is going to happen when "it" realizes just what a piss poor job you did of bringing "it" up in terms of preparation for the real world?  What happens when they reach their 30's and discover just how much you shielded them from the real world and they cannot function socially, romantically, or in a career?  When "it" can't find a job because you didn't provide "it" with any kind of financial guidance?

I'll tell you what "it" is NOT going to do.

Visit you in a nursing home.  "It" will,  by about the time "it" is 35-40, realize just what an outstanding job you did as a parent and react accordingly.

Thankfully, however, there is good news.

You'll have me and the entire Vasectomy League of men as company in the nursing home.  And we are quite a motley crew!


Dave said...

Should one choose the "breeder" lifestyle, I (a married father of three) might offer a few tips:

* Don't marry a feminist. Pretty obvious. Look overseas if needed.

* Don't listen to the ZPG crowd -- have at least four kids. You'll lose the same amount of freedom (i.e. all of it) no matter what, so go big or go home.

* Give good financial advice. Don't borrow for anything, even education.

* Be poor and use government aid whenever possible. If you can't defeat socialism at the ballot box, bleed it out at the welfare office. Plus working part-time leaves more time to teach your kids the truth.

Anonymous said...

Reasonable comment. And maybe it does address the majority of families. But you can't go too far the other way.

Parents have to be clear, consistent and reasonable in their punishments.

I think my stepmom screwed me up mentally by being too harsh and inconsistent.

Basically every couple of days something would set her off and I'd be punished via her fists, or screaming or both. 99% of the time I'd have no idea what I had done, so her punishments didn't teach me much. Just taught me to feel sorry for myself, made me untrusting of people and made me risk averse. My strategy was to just do what I'd always done and I should be ok (although that still wasn't a foolproof strategy).

The result was someone who always got the top marks in school (education was a priority), but low self-esteem and poor social skills.

Anonymous said...

Raising your kid properly can be undermined by the schools, Captain. Or at least, that is the way it was for me.

In grade 3 my daughter brought home an angry note from the teacher for being a monkey in class. I let her off with a warning. When letter 2 came home I told her the wooden spoon would come out with letter 3. When letter 3 arrived the wooden spoon came out, she got her lickin' and the next day the teacher was threatening to call Family Services down on my ass for abusing my child. I dared her to do it or sod off. The old bitch sodded off.

Fast forward. My daughter graduated high school with honours, went into the sciences and I was proud as punch...until she quit. What happened? Well, she ran into a prof in Fine Arts. And, being a scholarly intellectual, he knew talent when he saw it and my daughter's hobby art showed incredible pontential and promise! At his urging she dumped the sciences and started persuing a degree in Fine Arts - after all, what would her stupid old father know about art? And this book called 'Worthless'? Cripes, her dumb Old Man could have written it! Her intellectual prof has a DOCTORATE in art! He MUST know what he is talking about, right? Why bust your hump with all that icky math, endless homework and hard work, right?


Today my kid flies a cash register, and owes close to six figures in student loans, and blames me for her problems and won't speak to me. All I can do at this point is wait for her to grow up. She's in her mid-20's.

You can be the best parent in the world..but bad schooling can trump you if you are not careful!

Don T Tread said...

Good post. I've discovered in the past few years, while choking down the red pill, just how woefully unprepared for the realities of life I was, mainly thanks to my narcissistic father not imparting upon me any valuable life lessons at all. When I really needed someone to tell it to me straight when I was making huge decisions (college major, career), my father was more interested in how he felt about it rather than what was best for me. He kept on encouraging me to get a Phd, which I didn't want to do because I saw it as useless, because HE wanted a son who was a doctor. My brother, who wasn't nearly as good at school as me, got caught in this trap, didn't get into grad school, and now is a manager at Target with a BA in History (I encouraged him to get his teaching certificate because the public schools will pay for your continuing education and give you a raise after). Parents will screw up their kids somehow, but the baby boomers really fucked up their kids. Screw the Boomers, I say.

Worthless said...

You were in a band at school. You'd love a career in music. You're allergic to Mozart. Considered a degree in modern music?


Pat Sullivan said...

I agree with some of the other comments regarding schools. The school system currently instills UN/Marxist ideology, into the school curriculum. You can expect your kid to know about global warming, before they have learned the times tables.

Now throw in the everybody wins a trophy syndrome. It is not easy to explain to an eight year old, what winning a trophy really should mean.

Hey Captain, regarding the "you should have kids comments". This seems to be common human feature. People want other people, to behave in the same manner as themselves.
In my early 20s, everyone at work asked me, when I was getting married. It should have been none of their business. Then when I was married, they told me I should have kids. It just never ends. People out there, always want to hand out unsolicited advice. This will never change.

Anonymous said...

I don't get your point. You seem to blame everyone but your self.