Friday, February 13, 2009

French Maid, Naughty Nurse, Dirty Librarian/Teacher, Catholic School Girl, Corporate Exec, Beer Frau Outfits

It is good to clean.

And because I am without a day time job, I decided to embark on a huge cleaning project. And not one of them cleaning projects where you clean the house, I'm talking one of those massive and thorough cleaning projects where you open up all those old boxes that have never been opened over the past three moves and organize all the crap that's in them while you scan cards and photos on top of the dusting and the Windexing and the laundry. One of "those" cleanings.

But an often unrealized benefit to this massive cleaning is that when you unpack these boxes you see all the mementos and keepsakes from as far back as a decade ago. You get to see where you were back 10 years ago, and even more importantly perhaps, through letters and e-mails what you were thinking.

I uncovered one such letter. A letter I had literally forgotten about, but once I started reading it, I remember specifically why I had saved it. I wanted to keep proof or evidence as to my sanity when it came to my decision about dealing a young lass from about 5 years ago or so. For you see I, as I'm sure many of you are, am quite hard on myself and unless I save documents, letters, notes, my brain has a tendency to blame myself as history goes on. But knowing this, I specifically saved this letter so if my future self ever started doubting himself this would starkly remind him he was in the right.

I'm not going to post the whole letter here, just an excerpt, because I think as Valentine's Day is tomorrow an important lesson can be learned. And that is a lesson in how the golden rule applies to relationships. The excerpt is as follows;

Of course, right now, every guy is saying "Sounds like heaven to me!"

Child free.

Retired early.

Sipping martinis

Playing X-box

In a warm climate

Whilst being served by your gorgeous, scantily clad wife.

It really doesn't get any better than that.

However, as you notice, the lass who wrote this found this revolting, oppressive even.

Now here is where I think a fair amount of women (and a couple of guys too) can learn a lesson in love, though, no doubt some women out there already know where I'm going with this;

There is a man in a relationship. It ain't all about you. And that man is just as much part of the relationship as you are.

Of course we consciously or "factually" know this, but I wonder whether some women out there intuitively know this. Of course you're not going to be scantily clad 24/7. Of course you're not going to be serving martinis to your husband/boyfriend 24/7. But why wouldn't you want to do this occasionally, let alone find it repulsive and oppressive?

It is here the golden rule must be applied. Do unto others as you'd have them to you. And though I am just a lowly captain, it seems to me that the point of being in a relationship is to make that other person happy.

For example, your beloved Captain may be courting a young lass as we speak. The Captain does not like cleaning. The Captain does not like laundry. The Captain does not like going grocery shopping (this the Captain REALLY doesn't like because it takes so damn long to find tomatillos, and he could have just as easily gone to Chipolte in 1/10th the time to get food, but no she wanted tomatillos).


Because the Captain's lass is working during the day time, has a busy schedule and (pay attention now) BECAUSE THE CAPTAIN LIKES HER he does not find it degrading, oppressive or beneath him to do the laundry. Or to do the dishes. Or to clean for her. It makes him happy knowing he's eased her life a bit. The Captain also works out and stays in shape, not a particularly exciting thing running on a tread mill and lifting weights, but presumably the girl doesn't want to date some fat, slobby schlep.

Now while men cleaning is not the same as a woman in a French maid outfit, they are two sides of the same coin. It doesn't matter whether you "like" dressing up for your husband, it doesn't matter if you "like" to cook a good meal, it doesn't matter if you "like" the act of fixing him a drink, all that matters is if you like him. And if you like him these "chores" are just part of the relationship just as a man SHOULD be cleaning up occasionally or fixing you dinner (or in the case of an utter lack of cooking talent, taking you out for dinner).

Ergo, ladies, women, and economists of the female persuasion, lend me your ears!

Just buy the damn outfit.

It's Valentine's Day and as any happily married woman will tell you the outfits score BIG points.

Now since the dawn of time men have been debating which are the best outfits. And after many years of studying, research, calculations, and field tests we have conclusive proof which are indeed the best outfits. They are as follows and ranked accordingly;

1st - French Maid
2nd - Naughty Nurse
3rd - Dirty Librarian/Teacher
4th - Catholic School Girl
5th - Corporate Executive
6th - Beer Frau (preferably with beer)

If you don these outfits come tomorrow, it cannot but help your relationship forever.

However, there is one final benefit to sexy little outfits and making your man happy, and I've alluded to this before. You are actually doing some community service in that you are doing your part to help stimulate the economy. I don't care what Barack Obama says about his $900 stimulus package, a legion of American women in French Maid outfits would stimulate the economy 10 times more. And I mean that sincerely, I really am not joking, it would.

So yes, do it for your boyfriend. Do it for your husband. And do it for your relationship. But also, be a patriot. Do it for America!


Unknown said...

I fully agree with the Captian, but it can go both ways, some men jut dont understand the benifit of actually doing the dishes, drying them and putting them away once a week, I would do a lot more things for my husband instead of rolling my eye's at him, if this where to happen......!

Anonymous said...

Wow, that previous girlfriend sounded . . . kind of weird, honestly. Hope you have better luck in the future.

Anonymous said...

There is a man in a relationship. It ain't all about you.

How would a woman come to that conclusion? The culture says the opposite. I've seen dozens of books for men on how to be a better lover. Ever seen one for women? I've seen dozens of books for men on how to please the woman in his life, and many more saying that a woman is oppressed if she tries to please the man in her life. Relationships as our culture defines them are pretty much whatever women say they are, with very little or no acknowledgement that the man's side of the relationship is valid or important.

Anonymous said...

"I've seen dozens of books for men on how to be a better lover. Ever seen one for women?"

Next time you're waiting in a checkout line at a grocery store, look down and to either side.

No, not at the candy. Back up a little bit, and you're looking at a literal wall of that stuff. Not books, but magazines promising hundreds of mind-blowing sex secrets guaranteed to turn the amateur slut into a real professional. Hooray.

Apparently they've been selling the same things for years, but I'd be surprised if any of them had advice as good as, "Forget what this magazine says. Ask him what he likes and then do that."

Captain Capitalism said...

Now now now, Ryan.

That would be sexist.

A man telling a woman what he wants.

How dare you.

You aren't allowed to be pleased. It's all about what the women want.

Now tuck your tail between your legs like Ray Romano and get out there and earn the bacon.

Anonymous said...

I remember seeing one woman's magazine that had 10 ways to rekindle your romance. I found all 10 to be repulsive - they were obviously thought up by some dingbat woman. The one that pissed me off the most was 'Put a love note in his wallet.' Every man knows this is just plausible deniability to snoop for 'prohibited' items. If any woman put a note in my wallet, I'd break her jaw.

Don't ever let your woman watch Lifetime, Oxygen, or ABC Family. They are nothing but television programs for emotionally disturbed women. Every show is about abuse, lying, cheating and breakups. It's misanthrope at its worst.

Anonymous said...

"Don't ever let your woman watch Lifetime, Oxygen, or ABC Family. They are nothing but television programs for emotionally disturbed women. Every show is about abuse, lying, cheating and breakups. It's misanthrope at its worst."

Lifetime is the go-to network if you want to see a woman get smacked around. I guess it's a great network if you're a misanthropic woman who fantasizes about taking it to all those EVIL MEN, or it's also good if you're a raging misogynist who likes seeing women get slapped for no good reason.

Oh, it's also good if you like hearing someone scream, "What about THE BABY!?" every half hour or so.

So, yeah. Lifetime: television for bad people.

daniel_ream said...

Interesting timing. I just got back from seeing "He's just not that into you", and had to burn a half an hour in a bookstore waiting for the ticket line to thin out. I decided to check out the book the movie's based on, and discovered that there seems to be a seismic shift in the women's relationship book section. It's not so much Cosmo as much as it is books written by real men who say, in essence, "He's a guy. Stop being such a whiny b*tch and just deal with it."

The fact that these books exist at all tell me two things: 1) women are finally starting to ask (gasp!) men what it is that men are about, and 2) this is probably happening because of el Capitano's prediction that more and more single, eligible men are just checking out of the whole dating/relationship scene because the women in it aren't worth it.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, I think the word you're looking for is misandry. Misanthropy is a hatred of humankind, misandry is a hatred of men.

Yeah, Lifetime and Oxygen are horrid and unwatchable (except for Blood Ties, which was a decent show). For some reason I've never hit ABC Family in my channel surfing, so I'll trust the judgment of others on this.

Anonymous said...

Sooooo, you mean that folding your socks and remembering that you like red onions in your sandwiches, not yellow, doesn't show our men that we love them?

What about the extra care we take in buying the extra-good brand of dryer sheet so that their little dangly bits don't get chafed on stiff towels?

You mean men really just want sex on the washing machine? And lipstick on their pointy bits?

Well, I...I just had no idea. I don't know if the world makes sense anymore. I'm going to buy more dryer sheets.

Hot Sam said...


Thanks for looking up misandry for me. I knew there was a word for it, but I was on my cellphone when I commented and couldn't look it up myself. You saved me a Google or Wiki. :) I can't wait for the new Palm PDA which will have multitasking ability.

Misanthrope is a word I recalled from a book I read in high school, so I took a shortcut and used that word. But I considered it apropos. The men and women who foment misandry also hate themselves, so it is truly humanity they despise.

The foundation of liberalism is self-hatred.

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