Saturday, February 28, 2009

Spit on the Face

I am 33 years old.

I have chest hair.

Ear hair.

Nose hair.

You name it, I have it. Soon those hairs will turn gray as I further my aging into middle age-hood.

Thus, one would think that given my age I am not some young man, or late teenager, certainly not a child, and definitely not a toddler.

Tell that to my girl.

We were eating sushi for my birthday. I had a little bit of wasabi or something on my face.

Now, does said girl say, "Captain, you have something on your face. You should wipe it off?"

Does said girl say, "Captain, go to the bathroom and clean up your face. You have some crap on it?"

Does said girl say, "Captain, hold still while I take this napkin and wipe the food from your face?"

No, what does she do?

She licks her thumb, plying a near gallon of saliva and spit on it and then circa my mother in 1978 starts to smudge off the grit on my face with her spit-laden thumb.

I stood there in utter shock because my brain was caught between being grossed out by having spit smushed on my cheek and coming to grips with the concept that a full grown woman was actually doing this to a 33 year old man (replete with nose, ears and elbow hair).

I just stood there, giving the girl a look of disbelief. I said, "Did you just do what I thought you did?"

She giggles and walks to her car.


Anonymous said...

Welcome to the world of "couplehood." Wait until you decide to grow a beard.

Cheers, Captain!

Anonymous said...

One more example of the futility of men attempting to understand women and their ways.

And it's hard to say which is more baffling - the wiping of the face or the giggling.

You can't change the behavior, it is beyond comprehension, it is the nature of the female.

Enjoy being baffled - it really doesn't hurt.

Anonymous said...


You're not 33. You're 34.

You were born February 19, 1975 - I was there. If you subtract 1975 from 2009 you get 34.

Tell me Captain - is there any relationship between economics and basic math?

Your loving father

Anonymous said...

I've had a carpet on my chest since high school so hair isn't a good way of indicating age. Except ear hair but that is associated more with geezers.
Saliva thumb is just gross. Even if it is a little kid with a mom who does it, it's still gross. If you're vindictive I say that a wet willy would make it even.

Captain Capitalism said...

I was 33 at the time of day she was buying me sushi!

I had to explain this to mom too!

Anonymous said...

News flash! Not all women see men as nothing more than oversized toddlers charmingly afflicted by delusions of intelligence and competence!!! (But way too many do, which gives the rest of us a bad rap.)

That said, I can't really tell from your story if that's what's going on, or if your girl has just watched too many chick flicks.

A guy and a girl at a restaurant, the guy gets some food on his face and girl rubs it off with spit likes he's a little boy, guy sits there with stunned expression and says "did you just do what I thought you did?" and end scene with girl giggling while she runs off to the car -- that really does sound like something out of a badly-written chick flick.

Captain, did you actually follow up with your girl and say "seriously, I'm a grown man and if I have food on my face, just tell me -- I'm not a kid and I don't like being treated like one" (or words to that effect)? Or did you just stew about it and then vent on your blog? Because women aren't mind readers and it's quite possible she has no idea how much that grossed you out and annoyed you.

Michael Ryan said...

She wants to have your babies. It was her way of showing you how she would tenderly care for your many, many children.

Anonymous said...

Try looking at it this way, don't you get her spit on you in other ways? Is it cause she used her thumb and not her tongue? (not making any assumptions here, so if you aren't, you're at least planning on it at some point in the relationship, right?) I hope you don't wipe your mouth after a kiss. At least as a woman, that's how I see it, fwiw. But I hope you let her know it bothered you, cause she probably has no idea it did.

Oh and Happy Birthday! :)

johngf said...

ah, reminds me of Seinfeld season 8, episode 3 ("The Bizarro Jerry").